Author Archives: calledtogether

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Emotions: Good, Bad or Indifferent?

Let’s face it; we all have feelings. For some, feelings control their actions more than others. 

Have you ever really thought about the process of how you and I arrive at our feelings? There actually is an underlying and explainable process. 

Feelings or emotions are a result of our thoughts. If I tell you a joke and you think it’s funny, your response will be to laugh. If you don’t think it’s funny, you will not laugh. While that’s simply stated, it is the reality. Feelings are more accurately defined as responses or reactions to our thoughts. 

When you have a feeling that you don’t understand try this exercise: stop and listen to your thoughts. Practice listening to yourself and you will identify what is instigating your feelings. If you’re feeling angry or agitated, what were you just thinking about? If you can capture that thought, you will have identified the source of your anger. 

For example, when people say, “You make me so angry!” That’s not really accurate. The truth is what the other person is doing or saying is interpreted by you and is creating certain thoughts. From those thoughts you choose the response of anger. That’s why there can be dozens of cars stuck in a traffic jam with multiple reactions. Some persons are out of their car trying to discover what’s wrong, others are beeping their horn or becoming agitated due to the holdup and yet others are taking the unwanted interruption to read a book. All different reactions to the very same problem because each of us generate different thoughts about how we’re interpreting our environment. 

Are feelings good? Generally speaking, yes. God created us with the capacity to feel. However, when feelings become more important than truth we can get ourselves into trouble. What do I mean?

If our thinking is not truth filled, we are then reacting to a lie or a near truth. Consequently, our feelings are not based on truth. When our feelings or reactions are not based on truth, our responses can be skewed. 

Is there a connection between positive and negative thoughts to our emotions? Yes, there is. No one is a positive thinker 100% of the time. But positive thoughts generate more positive feelings and that’s very real. That said, we can also lie to ourselves and manipulate those feelings. Having constant negative thoughts about ourself or others does create more negative responses. 

Thankfully, not every thought is processed through our feelings. For example, when approaching a stop sign my automated response is to stop because I see the sign, my brain knows the law and I begin the braking process. I do not ask myself if I feel like stopping. Stopping at a stop sign is not an emotion-generating process. However, if someone runs a red light and endangers my family, I will have an emotional response.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Feelings are reactions to our thoughts. Solomon wrote, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit than he who captures a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Conflict in our Marriages: Why We have Them

Conflict is easy; resolve is hard!

Most of us know how to do conflict, argue, disagree and/or fight, but few of us know how to resolve, come into agreement and heal conflict in our marriages. That’s what this blog is about. So, let’s start with a few facts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scripture, it also develops character (Romans 5:3-5; James 1: 2-4). In marriage, we are often “using” one another to help smooth out our character. Our conflicts can be (will be?) deeper because our love is deeper.
  1. James said to let perseverance finish its work so we can mature. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or bailing out, quitting. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through the trial the outcome will be perseverance doing its work. The problem is too many couples quit, give up and believe it cannot be resolved or they want others to resolve it for them. The truth is the more we persevere, the more victory we will eventually have. Ask any couple who fought through financial differences, persevered, stuck to a budget until they saw the reward and you will find a couple who is extremely strong in the financial realm.
  2. Whatever we sow, we reap. Sowing and reaping is at work in our marriages. If we sow the negative, we will reap it. Typically, we sow discontentment and criticism because we’re not getting what we want. The seed of criticism cannot produce the fruit we’re looking for. In the midst of disagreement think about what good seeds you can sow.
  3. Don’t give the enemy a foothold by not coming to resolve (Ephesians 4:26-27). A marriage that holds bitterness, sows negative seeds and criticism, etc. is not doing what Peter said when he told us to be considerate of our wives and treat them with respect so our prayers are not hindered. In other words, prayer will be powerless in the home of disrespect, discontentment and the lack of peace.
  4. Be aware of what Paul called selfish ambition (Philippians 2:1-2). Most of our conflict is over selfish preferences rather than desiring the best for one another. 
  5. As conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that sounds far off, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have experienced winning the battles. Believe God for win/wins.
  6. Lastly, we are to love deeply. I Peter 4:8 tells us “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love often means overlooking, forgetting and not pointing out failures. It’s a “keeps no record of wrong” position. 

God wants you to be able to resolve conflict and I believe He gives us the tools to do so. Obviously, we both need to stick to the plan He gives us and press forward believing by faith for His outcome to our marriage as hard as it is at times. Conflicts are not the problem, we all have them, but not resolving them sure is.

Here’s a possible assignment: Write down the common triggers in your relationship that tend to cause conflict and discuss why and how. Ask God to bring healing to those areas in your lives. Remember, your spouse is not your enemy but rather your life mate who loves you and desires the best for you.

The more healed we become individually, the more healing our marriage will experience. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, History, Issues of the Day, Prayer

Thanksgiving, A Time of Hope, Remembrance and Healing

How great is it to have a National Day of Thanksgiving in the USA and many other nations, approximately eleven other nations celebrate a day of giving thanks.

It is thought the first Thanksgiving was celebrated with the Plymouth colonists in 1621. The Native American Wampanoag people shared an autumn feast with the colonists. For the next two centuries, thanksgiving days were celebrated individually by differing colonies in multiple states. Pilgrims were known for days of fasting and prayer along with days of feasting and giving thanks to God.

In the midst of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national Thanksgiving Day to be held in November, but that day wasn’t easy to come by. 

The woman who wrote the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Sarah Josepha Hale, campaigned endlessly with governors, senators and presidents for 36 years. Lincoln headed her request in 1863 with the proclamation for all Americans to ask God to “commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife” and to “heal the wounds of the nation.”

Wow, a day of thanksgiving to heal the wounds of a nation. We live in nations filled with the wounded. We see multiple wars on the earth today wounding so many more. To stop and give God thanks in an effort to bring healing to the many “wounded” around us, well, that’s just amazing and seems only right.

Giving thanks is something God’s word admonishes us to do repeatedly. To have a thankful heart helps us to not dwell on what we feel is wrong, inhibits complaining, releases others from personal judgments, and simply is a healthy way to live our lives spiritually, mentally and physically. So, to help you, here are a few thanksgiving verses:

Psalm 106:1 – Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 69:30 – Then I will praise God’s name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving.

Psalm 92:1-2 – It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to the Most High. It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening.

Colossians 3:17 – And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. 

Colossians 4:2 – Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

                    Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!!

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun

Honey, It Lasts Forever and so Does Something Else

Were you aware that honey has an endless shelf life? There was a not-so-scientific test performed on honey that was found in a tomb supposedly 3,000 years old. Yikes! However, it was still good to be consumed and still tasted sweet. 

Apparently, honey has some simple self-preservation qualities. First, it has very minute amounts of water in it. Little moisture means bacteria and microorganisms can’t survive. It’s thickness also means oxygen cannot penetrate it – another obstruction to bacterial growth. Finally, it’s very acidic and contains a special enzyme from a bee’s stomach that is called glucose oxidase. When mixed with nectar, this enzyme produces gluconic acid and hydrogen peroxide, products that kill bacteria. The key to long term shelf life is storing honey in a properly sealed container.

There is something else I found myself thinking about when I read these facts about honey, simply because very few things last a lifetime or anywhere near 3,000 years. That something else is the endless, incomprehensible, ineffable love of God. 

Jeremiah scribed these words inspired by God, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (Jeremiah 31:3) And Deuteronomy records these precious words, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Two powerful forever verses speaking to us about God’s love and His continual presence in our lives as we walk with Him in obedience on a daily basis. Be assured of this love, this presence in your life and as you walk with this reassurance, this treasure, voice it to others. Everyone needs this hope today.

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Women

So Help Me God!

I am glad our nation celebrates a day every year to honor those who have served our nation through serving in one of the military branches. I can still remember taking that oath in May of 1972, “So help me God!” For me, those words were a prayerful and a bit scary confession. I needed God’s help and His call for the next four years of my life. 

The Bible is filled with stories of military warriors like David, Joshua, Deborah, and many, many more. 

David was a young and simple shepherd boy who ended up in a month-long standoff with a giant. His oath before God and Goliath was, “I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty!” He said that it wasn’t the sword or the spear that would save, but rather the fact that the battle is the Lord’s.

Joshua is well known for his leadership at the battle of Jericho. God told Joshua the battle was already won. God’s strategy? March around the city seven times and then “Shout! For the Lord has given you the city!” (Joshua 6:16)

Deborah was an exceptional warrior. She was a respected judge, prophetess and wife who urged her people to return to their God. In a battle that Barak led with Deborah by his side, the scriptures quote her as saying, “Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” (Judges 4:14) 

“Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” Another great confession from a woman of God recognized for her prophetic wisdom and skilled strategies. 

Lastly, let me add a New Testament example. Paul, in speaking to his spiritual son, Timothy, used some military style words when he wrote:

Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer. (II Timothy 2:3-4)

Soldiers give up their civilian life and learn about the military life through boot camp, through discipline, through suffering and by giving up certain rights and privileges. So, thank you to those out there who are serving and have served. Thank you for caring less about yourself and for caring more about others. Pray for our veterans today and be sure to tell them “Thank you.”

Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle; He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. (Psalm 144:1-2)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Missing Ingredients in Marriage

Can anyone out there identify with the following scenario?

Early on we really enjoyed our sexual intimacy, the frequency, knowing one another’s likes and dislikes, the freedom that comes from being committed to one person and having the bond of marriage between us. But in time, we lost something. The relationship outside the bedroom began to diminish in multiple ways. We lost the intimacy of conversation, prayer and worship together, and taking walks hand in hand. And yet, one of us still wanted the perk of sexual intimacy. I felt used and even became angry. I remember thinking, “You want me for this, but not for much else in life.” Resentment grew and feelings were hurt. 

I want it back. I want to be madly attracted to him again. I need the intimacy of conversation with each other and with God. I need him to hear my heart and touch my heart as I long to touch his. I want him to lead me and our family toward Christ’s mission for us.

What’s the impasse about? Where exactly does the silent frustration stem from? Is it purely a sexual need? 

What we want and desire most in marriage is connectedness, oneness toward our co-mission, and concern for one another’s spiritual care. How do I know this? Paul wrote in Colossians 1:28-29 that his biggest concern for his fellow believers and disciples was, “…to awaken hearts and bring every person into the full understanding of truth. It has become my inspiration and passion in ministry to labor with a tireless intensity, with his power flowing through me, to present to every believer the revelation of being his perfect one in Jesus Christ.” (TPT)

When we prioritize building Christ in our mate, we will connect in all the ways we as human beings, husbands and wives need and desire that connection to take place. From the yard to the bedroom, this connection hinges on our spiritual connections each and every day.

Are you praying and worshipping together? As you do, you will connect spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

The Power of Fear

I recently posted a quote from my book, Identity: The Distinctiveness of You, onto Facebook that went like this: “Fear can be very real because the consequences are very real.” Not all fear is bad, but not all fear in our lives is filled with truth either. Often a “truth” we carry is not the truth. 

Fear will enable us to carry thoughts, emotions and reactions to beliefs that feel very real, but are based on lies. For example, if we fear snakes, we will be on the lookout for them as we walk a narrow hiking trail in the mountains. When we come across a brown or black crooked object on the ground, we may think, “SNAKE” and run. But when we take a closer look we discover it’s a stick and our heart returns to our chest. Fear is programed in our minds from a past experience in order to keep us safe from the object we fear. 

But the truth is: most snakes are harmless. However, that doesn’t matter when we fear them. We’ll fear all snakes. 

The scriptures remind us that perfect love casts out fear. (I John 4:18, 19) So, the opposite of fear is love. Let’s consider some everyday fears versus the reaction of love.

Fear requires us to perform. When love is present, we desire to do well.

Fear will not maintain a healthy relationship, while love will be what holds a healthy relationship together. 

Fear will impede your responses. Love will bring you the freedom to respond.

Fear will keep you from taking risks or chances. Love allows the freedom to be a risk-taker. 

Fear will hold you back from maturity. Love is an encourager and promotes personal growth.

When in fear, you will hold back. When in love, you will give away more freely. 

Fear will cause you to lack confidence. Love grows confidence.

Fear can be full of self, while love is selfless. 

Yes, fear is real, but love is far more powerful. Ask God for more of His love so that fear is overwhelmed and has to retreat. “For God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1:7)

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In Defiance to God!

It was cold outside, but I was HOT! I briskly walked behind the barn on our ministry property and defiantly raised my fist to God. It was a valiant effort to somehow express my frustration with the place He had me, my personal defeat, anger and my very loud challenge spoken directly to God Himself. 

My expression went something like this, “I challenge You, God, to bring a job down this driveway for me. See if You can do THAT!” 

I was coming to the end of eight years of faith ministry, although I didn’t know it was the end. I had been asking God for a job outside the ministry facility so I could raise my family in a safe place; a place where I knew they could be provided for. Every prospective employer said “No, you’re under- or overqualified.”

Immediately feeling a bit foolish, mortal and embarrassed, almost straightaway I could hear that still small voice, a voice that is not brash or bold. It was that voice which never feels like, “You got to do it now whether you like it or not or die!” That voice I knew from previous encounters was a loving, understanding and slow to anger God. 

He whispered, “You are privileged.” And just what does that mean? “You are privileged to have gone through what you have gone through; not all My leaders can endure what you have.” You mean, I am privileged to have suffered here in this place? “Yes.” So, I am not the idiot leader who has to suffer greatly to understand what You’re saying? “No, you’re not an idiot leader.” I’m privileged, huh? “Yes, you have passed the test and I can move you on and, yes, I can bring a job down the driveway.”

To understand an actual job, possible employment, coming down the driveway you must know we lived in a very rural county with a population of only 12,000 total people. And, there were very few jobs as it was the mid 1980’s, not a wonderful time for job hunting. 

Within two weeks a social worker from Pittsburg, PA drove down the driveway and asked me to help him start a nonprofit child welfare agency in Harrisburg, PA. I looked at him like he was from outer space and said, “Do you see where I live? No, I am not moving to Harrisburg, PA.” He drove back out the driveway.

My wife kindly reminded me of my conversation and my challenge to God. I hung my head in shame, but rather than call him back, I boldly asked God to do it one more time. It was kind of like a fleece. After all, if He really wanted us there, He could send a second person down the same driveway. 

And He did. About two months later a second social worker from Pittsburg, PA showed up and proceeded to tell me the first person did not accomplish the task and he was replacing him. He said, “I am not going unless you go with me.”

I said, YES.

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

When Leaders Marriages Go Awry and Steps to Maintaining Health

It is a well-known fact that John Wesley married late when he married Molly. John was 47 and Molly Vazeille, a widow with four children, was 41. Their courtship was 16 days long.

Wesley preached sermons the day before and the day after his marriage. Within a week, on a Sunday morning, Wesley referred to his marriage as a “cross” that he had to reluctantly bear. 

Wesley believed his ministry came first and that Molly would simply have to adjust what she desired for his call to ministry. 

Repeatedly, Molly complained that John was insensitive, always traveling, never home and not paying her any attention. John then tried to take Molly with him. Molly didn’t care for traveling hundreds of miles on horseback in the rain or having threats made on their very lives. 

John attempted to repair things, but in the end gave up as ministry remained first in his life. They never divorced, but remained separated. Molly disrespected her husband for his treatment of her both publicly and in the home. 

Lessons to be learned

As a leader, your marriage comes before your ministry. Scripture is repeatedly clear about this. When qualifications are mentioned for church leaders, it is one’s character and one’s family relationships that are highly considered. (See Titus 1:6-9.)

When a leader fails at leadership in his or her home, it will not be long until their public ministry fails also. 

What to do

  1. Be accountable in your marriage relationship with an overseer.
  2. Seek first His kingdom and care first for your marriage and family.
  3. Pursue counsel when needed so your marriage stays on course for the test of time.
  4. Repent quickly of wrongdoing in your marriage.
  5. Forgive deeply.
  6. Attend marriage seminars for challenge and growth.
  7. Read marriage books.
  8. Talk to your spouse and ask them how you can better serve and love them.
  9. Talk to your children about how you can better love your spouse, their parent.
  10. Pray together as a couple. Prayer is the most intimate act within marriage.
  11. Have fun together and take time to laugh regularly.
  12. Vacate everything and everyone a few times a year and spend a weekend dedicated to caring for your marriage.
  13. Daily walk out Colossians 1:28 and Galatians 4:19 and “Build Christ in one another.”
  14. Hold no secrets from each other. 
  15. Seek resolve with every disagreement.
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Challenge, Encouragement, History, In the news

A Bible Sells for Thirty-Eight Million Dollars!

In a recent auction, the oldest Bible known to exist, 1,100 years old, handwritten on parchment paper, was sold at auction for 38 million dollars. The Sotheby’s auction specialist said about this Bible that it, “reflects the profound power, influence, and significance of the Hebrew Bible, which is an indispensable pillar of humanity.”

This Bible known as the Codex Sassoon, is believed to have been hand written and leather bound sometime between 880 and 960. It received its name in 1929 when it was purchased by David Solomon Sassoon, a son of an Iraqi Jewish business magnate. Since being sold, it will find itself on display at the ANU Museum of the Jewish People in Tel Aviv, Israel.

It was William Tyndale, an ordained minister from England, who first translated the Bible from the original languages into English. Almost three-fourths of the King James Version of the Bible is the work of Tyndale. It was printed in 1525 and it had to be smuggled into England. It became extremely popular even though church officials attempted to burn every copy they could get their hands on. 

William Tyndale’s reward for his amazing work was to be labeled a heretic, strangled and then burned at the stake. While in prison, awaiting his fate, he asked for two things: a candle and a Hebrew dictionary so he could continue his work. 

If you possess an English Bible today, you can thank William Tyndale who gave his life for the word of God to be given to the world. In the US the sale of Bibles has doubled since 1950 with 20 million Bibles sold per year. There are over 100 million Bibles printed every year. Every day 54,945 Bibles are sold. There are 66 wonderful books in the Bible, 39 in the Old Testament and 27 in the New Testament. Within those books are 31,173 life-giving verses.

According to Guinness World Records, the Bible is the best-selling book of all time with five billion copies sold. The next highest record of a book sale is a measly 500 million copies. The BIble is a book that out sells every book. Why? 

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edge sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12 ESV)

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