We often hear the phrase, “Time heals,” but does it? The short answer is “no” it does not. Time in and of itself provides no healing, only distance and/or separation. It gives us a distance between the hurt and our healing from the hurt. Time separates us from the actual incident, but it’s up to us to use that time for seeking personal healing.
Time allows us to seek forgiveness from the one we hurt or to offer forgiveness to the one who hurt us. Perhaps the depth of the hurt relates to how much time it takes for us to face our emotions or better said, our reactions to our thoughts about the incident. Time allows the intensity of the situation to subside a bit while it gives us a reprieve to think more clearly and to respond more accurately. Time also creates space for acceptance.
James 1:19 reminds us to be “…slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to become angry.” It’s an easy verse to read, but a difficult one to walk out, especially when you’re nursing a hurt.
Let’s be honest. We’re not hurt by things or stuff; we’re hurt by people. The closer we are to someone the greater the hurt can be. That’s why family wounds can hurt the most and also why we can carry them the longest.
Here is some really good news when it comes to carrying hurts:
Our heavenly Father is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He heals our hearts and He binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). Jesus told us that blessed are those who mourn, they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).
Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom.
Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?
Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance.
Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)
Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.
God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.
But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)
Disease is a word that describes an illness or impairment. The prefix of the word is actually “dys,” which means “not.” We could say that a disease occurs when the body or the soul is literally “not at ease.” Stress and worry create mental, emotional or physical tension. What occurs when this tension is generated many hours over a course of many days? While some medical practitioners believe our bodies attempt to absorb this tension, the body is simply not built to handle long-term stress and will eventually break down. Proverbs 12:25 rightly reveals that an anxious heart weighs a man down.
Let’s face it, there is very little peace in the world today. Tension is present in politics, families at odds, wars, the state of economies, and multiple personal stressors. This world is full of things to worry about.
Francis Chan in his book Crazy Love said, “When I am consumed by my problems—stressed about my life—I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Somehow the stuff in my life is exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.”
To simplify this thought, I like the words of Mark Batterson in the book The Circle Maker: “Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems?”
The psalmist David requested the Lord to check his heart for anxiety in Psalms 139:23 with the words, “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Why did he want God to do this? David must have known that anxiety and stress would limit his ability to trust God.
Seven causes of stress/anxiety
We might not realize it, but we cannot worry and pray at the same time. Worry makes a demand on us to try to change our circumstances. Prayer says, “I cannot change circumstances; only God can.” That’s why the Word of God is so clear in Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
A state of worry and a high need for control: In Luke chapter 10, Jesus looked at a woman who was serving Him and expressed, “Martha, Martha…you are worried and upset about many things.” If the Lord looks at you and says your name twice, you know you’re about to hear some “you better change your life” words. I think Jesus was saying, “Relax Martha. It’s okay to be who you are but trust me. I can provide; there is a time for everything.”
A lack of faith: We become anxious when we lack faith for our needs. (See Matthew 6:25-30.) Is faith the substance of things we are anxious for? No, it is the substance of things hoped for!
The loss of boundaries or loss of control that lead to insecurity: If children feel safe, they will venture out and explore. If children feel insecure, unsafe and worried, they will cling to their parents. Were you trained to be worried or fearful as a child? Were the boundaries unsure? Was your home a safe place or a place full of the unknown and unexpected? It is important to consider our childhood because one’s outlook on life and approach to handling stress could stem from these early experiences.
Not knowing the heart of God as our heavenly Father:Psalms 46:10 tells us, “Be still, and know that I am God.” When we do not know the Father’s heart toward us, we will never be able to be still. Until we discover the truth of what our Father is thinking of us, we could have every reason to be in a state of worry.
A lack of trusting God: Did you know there is a “Do not worry” command in the Bible? Psalms 37:1-8 commands us to not fret, but to trust, delight, commit, be still and refrain from anger. At the core of anxiety is a lack of trust. This could be learned from a lack of boundaries, lack of loving parents, or lack of revelation of God’s total love and approval. Worry and stress indicate the absence of trust.
A lack of protection and security: I was a child in the height of the Cold War when Americans feared the Communists would drop “the bomb” on us at any time. We not only had fire drills, but we also had bomb scare drills. During those drills in school, we learned to place our heads under our desks. If those desks were to protect us from bombs, they must have been mighty powerful! In life, we all need protection. Without it, we will naturally feel insecure. Laws that govern society protect us, and boundaries in the Word of God protect us. For example, when husbands fail to protect, wives will find themselves dealing with anxiety. If we as men are not walking in the governmental authority God has called us to walk in, we just might be a direct cause of anxiety within our family, just like Adam was in his. However, when husbands and fathers act in a scriptural manner of godly authority and covering, our wives and our children will be less anxious, more at peace and more secure. Psalms 112:7-8 reminds us, “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” Why? “His heart is secure; he will have no fear.”
Fear that overrides faith: Where fear is present, love is absent. Where love is present, fear is absent. The two do not dwell together in any sense of harmony. I John 4:18 reveals, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Listen to Job describe an actual physical manifestation of fear: “Fear and trembling seized me and made all my bones shake” (Job 4:14).
I am convinced the answer to stress and worry is found in one word: trust. Here are some ways to grow trust in your life.
Know and apply God’s Word: God’s Word has a calming effect. Discovering God’s thoughts through meditating on His Word will allow our spirit to transmit His thoughts to our minds. Read and meditate on the truth of God’s Word. It will calm you, reduce stress, and bring life. Scriptures you can meditate on include Jeremiah 17:7-8; Psalms 37:1-8; Psalms 46:1-10; Isaiah 41:10,13; Luke 21:14; Matthew 6:25-34; I Peter 5:7.
Realize that anxiety and worry undermine God’s supreme plan: God most assuredly is working out His divine purposes. His plans are higher than our plans. His story is the greater story; ours is the lesser. We tend to become worried when we do not have the finances for a bill that is due—the lesser story. God may be using that present lack of finance to build faith for the greater story of His provision. We might worry and become self-consumed when our car will not start; we begin to imagine that we’ll be late for work and our pay will be docked—the lesser story. But perhaps God is delaying us to protect us from an accident on the highway—the greater story.
Pursue obedience: Worry, stress and anxiety are simply disobedience. They are opposed to putting our trust in God. (Remember, worry says, “I trust myself” while faith and obedience say, “I trust God.”) We must come to this conclusion, or we’ll never be serious about overcoming worry.
Allow change to move from spirit to mind, not the other way around:Romans 8:5-9 reveals that lasting change is made as God speaks to our spirits, and our spirits reveal truth to our minds. When the truth is received in my spirit by His Holy Spirit, my belief system will begin to change. When my belief system changes, my actions will also change.
The Law of Attribution: This law is quite simple: anything we associate with being stressful, anxiety-filled or worrisome—will be! Anxiety is a present feeling or reaction resulting from anxious or untrue thoughts that in turn create anxiety and stress. I once encountered a counselee who was afraid to drive across a bridge. As a child, he and his grandfather had been at the very top of a long, high bridge when traffic came to a dead halt. There they sat in their car, feeling the bridge sway in the wind. Grandfather then said in a fearful tone, “Do you feel that? The bridge is going to collapse, and we’ll end up in the river.” Deep within this counselee’s memory, a fear was planted that bridges should be avoided at all costs. Was it true? No, but that didn’t matter; the anxiety was real. What fears in your life could be due to the law of attribution?
Learn to trust: We must settle Romans 8:15 in our hearts, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And we cry ‘Abba, Father.’” Faith draws us away from fear and anxiety and moves us toward our God, knowing He has everything under control and we can trust Him.
Anxiety is up to us. It is our choice. God desires for us to trust Him for our past, our present and our future. There are no anxious ways found within Him or His Kingdom. If He has everything under control and we are His, then at the end of the day we can pray, cast all our worries and anxious thoughts upon Him and go to sleep. I just can’t see God in heaven wringing His hands and mumbling, “Oh my word, what am I going to do now…how can I get through this mess?”
A crazy reality about stress and anxiety is that most stress-filled thoughts and worries never materialize. Allow God to give you His peace that passes all earthly understanding so you can walk away from stress even when it is trying to rage. Putting our trust in our all-powerful Lord, and resting in His love, is the greatest antidote for unwelcome stress.
We pay counselors $150.00 an hour to listen to us: more accurately, you receive 50 minutes. High schools and colleges offer “public speaking” courses. Have you ever been told about or offered a “public listening course?” I haven’t. But listening is a skill and it’s one taught in any counseling program.
Listening to someone is honoring. It says they are important enough to be listened to. It relates care and concern; and it shares value to the one being listened to. Listening is an expertise learned as one matures in their communication skills.
We all desire to talk and be heard, but marriage is an exercise in listening. We need to really hear what our spouse is communicating, and sometimes not just the words. Communication is first and foremost body language, then tone of voice and finally content.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening. For example:
“Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand.’” (Matthew 15:10)
“Therefore, consider carefully how you listen.” (Luke 8:18a)
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13)
Are you developing your listening skills? If so, your spouse and your children will appreciate it. Your boss at work or your customers will feel like you care. Your Father in heaven wants to speak with you as well.
Are you married 50, 60, or 75 percent? Or are you married 100 percent? Would you give your wife free access to your wallet? Wives, would you allow your husband to rummage through your purse?
Do you walk in 100% of trust with each other? Are there questions about total honesty in your marriage? When we have secrets in marriage, our journey of oneness is challenged. When there are secrets present, intimacy in marriage can go only so far. Secrets inhibit closeness and when closeness is inhibited our marriage will be affected by the loss of honesty and truth telling.
When we coverup, lie, or withhold truth in our marriage because we feel shame or we’re embarrassed, we will impair the intimacy we seek. The more we withhold from our spouse, the more disconnected we become. If we find ourselves using phrases like, “If my wife knew about this, she’d kill me” or “Don’t tell my husband what I am about to tell you,” we are damaging what God desires to build in our marriages and we harm the very reasons we are one.
Choose truth and become totally married–fully one! There is no room in marriage for deception or coverup. Go for broke to create a new level of forthrightness and openness while choosing to be fully honest with one another. The dividends are worth the pain and the humility it takes to be married 100 percent.
Faithfulness can be a bit subjective I suppose, but the book of Proverbs points us to a “faithful man.”
The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.
Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?
The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.(Proverbs 20:5-7 NIV)
Men are different from woman. They think differently, feel differently, process differently, and even communicate differently. Men’s priorities are often different from a woman’s. Men’s friends are less judgmental and critical, taking one another at face value. Men love solutions and fixing things, even their wife’s problems. Men often have a backup plan. A man sees work differently than his wife, provision differently, rest differently, and play differently. Men like to conquer, have purpose in their day, and bring resolve through a male-oriented solution.
I am not saying women are none of these things, I am simply trying to help define some of the God-given differences that we need in our relationships. It is why women need men and men need women; they provide the different sides of God to one other.
Men may define “faithful” differently than women. Men are faithful when they provide for their family. Men are faithful when they work overtime for a few extra dollars. Men are faithful when they put together that swing set in the back yard. Men are faithful when they change the oil in their car. You get the idea? Men see faithfulness in doing, not just in being. Further:
Faithful men do not lack purpose. Men without purpose get into trouble.
Faithful men do not invest romantic energy outside of their marriage.
Faithful men have their wife as their confidant, not same sex friendships.
Faithful men do not engage in secret habits.
Faithful men are dependable and true to their word.
Faithful men protect their most important relationships with boundaries.
Faithful men act in love and are present, active in the lives of their children.
If your faithful man falls into any of these categories then thank him, affirm him, and be grateful. If he is missing the mark in any area of faithfulness then pray for him, believe in him, and trust him to grow as his Father works in those areas.
“…a faithful man who can find?” God can.
“…righteous men lead a blameless life, blessed are his children after him.” Faithful men are leaving a legacy of blessing to their children.
Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.(Psalm 71:17-18)
While my life has been dedicated to writing, teaching, counseling and multiplying myself with others, speaking into the next generation has been one of my greatest joys. Because it is the next generation(s) that will carry on what you and I have begun.
When we’re young often the thought is, we will live forever and when we’re older, we will minister until our final day on earth. Why? Because the work of the kingdom of God that we pursue is never finished and we’re never too old to participate in it.
One morning in my devotional time I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. This is the chapter where Solomon writes about a time for everything. Having read these verses many times, I found the Lord placing a new emphasis upon them. Reading those verses a second time, I sensed God asked me to count them as “seasons.” There are 28. This thought caused me to reflect upon what season I was in and what season I might be entering.
If you’re like me, we often believe that while we’re in a certain season, we’ll remain there for years to come. But rarely is that true. Ministries change. Jobs change. Relationships change. Children grow up. If there are 28 seasons to life, what season are you presently in? What seasons have you enjoyed from the past and what seasons do you look forward to?
Are you embracing the season you now live in as from your Father? Will you embrace the next season God is preparing you for? God has new seasons ahead for each of us. Embrace them, grow through them, and complete each season faithfully. And remember, there are those who are following, watching, looking up to you, and will eventually take your place.
…We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done…so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. (Psalm 78:4, 6)
It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true.
All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.
I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely.
What helps us build trust? Consider the following:
Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted.
How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?
We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen.
Whoever walks in integritywalks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)
The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)
Sexual boundaries are a hot topic these days. How far can you go before lust and sin are involved? What’s appropriate for a dating couple? When do you cross a line?
I remember covering this topic with my son when he was almost dating age. I asked him to read with me these scriptures found in I Thessalonians 5: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (v 1- 2)” I then asked if he would hug his sister and he said if he was leaving on a trip for a long time. I asked if he would hold her hand. After a squeamish and hesitant look, he said he would if he were helping her across a dangerous intersection. I followed that up with would he kiss his sister. In his mind, now I had gone too far. Finally, after forcing a reply he said maybe on the cheek on a rare occasion. The final question? “How long would you kiss your sister?” His reply, “Dad!?!?…gross!!!”
“So, that’s how you would treat your sister?” “Yes” came their tentative reply. “So, let’s think about that when it comes to dating and God’s word.” The message was hitting home, and he would need to process what his boundaries would be while dating.
In our book, Called Together, a pre- and postmarital workbook*, we discuss this very subject in chapter one along with a progression of boundaries. The progression of boundaries goes something like this:
Holding hands
Arm around shoulder/waist
Embracing/hugs
Kissing on the cheek
Kissing on the lips
French kissing
Fondling sexual areas
Sexual intercourse
You can literally see the progression as you walk through numbers 1 through 8. This is not just a time wasting exercise, but rather a serious thought to the boundaries you will uphold while dating or during engagement. Why?
3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body[b] and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife,[c]for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before.7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (I Thessalonians 4:3-8 NLT)
When we sin sexually, this scripture relates that we are at the same time “rejecting God.” Sexual sin is also the sin which is against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18).
What will you accomplish by obeying God’s sexual boundaries in your relationships? Let’s consider a few of those benefits.
You will know the blessing of God for your obedience to Him.
You will build trust in your relationship.
You will be showing the worth and value of God’s daughter or son in your relationship.
You will be an example to your peers and one day to your children.
You will not have to deal with sexual and emotional hurts before or after you are married.
Your sexual commitment in marriage will be far more trust filled.
You will avoid pregnancy.
Your love and respect for each other will not become clouded with lust and guilt.
You will build love, respect, self-control, and patience.
What specific steps can you take to avoid sexual sin in your relationships? Set your boundaries beforehand. Ask God for an internal alarm when nearing that boundary. Develop a key word or phrase that can be spoken by one or both of you that indicates you are approaching your physical boundary. Ask your parents or others to hold you accountable in this area of your life.
God will honor your faith and obedience, and your marriage sex life will not be full of regret. And one final question: If you’ll allow yourself to be sexual before marriage, why not then also allow yourself to be sexual outside of your marriage?
*Called Together, Asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”
Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!
So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces. What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news!
The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?
But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!
I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Steve Prokopchak 