Category Archives: Children

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Is Your Marriage a Sacred Gift?

Marriage is a gift, not from government, not from culture, not from the church, but directly from God. Marriage is not wholly Christian, as religions all over the world practice marriage. Marriage is a creation act of God. 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24)” That’s it. That’s where it all started in Genesis, the book of beginnings. 

Marriage is sacred. A woman is a gift to a man from God. A man is a gift to a woman from God. It is the only way to understand this institution that our heavenly Father gave to mankind. From this gift, He would enable us to enter into creation ourselves and produce offspring. And that offspring will one day marry and have a family of their own. It is how families grow. It is how cultures grow. It is the backbone of our societies. There is no other design so true and so real.

Marriage is so important that the enemy of our souls has feverously worked to destroy and to counterfeit it. He has handed us separation to see if we should divorce to end it. He has handed us disagreement to bring continual conflict. The enemy has proposed extramarital affairs to break our vows. He has handed to many addictions and to others emotional instability. Still others can succumb to financial issues. The list goes on and it is all meant to destroy a union, a family.

When the destruction of a marriage occurs, there is loss…pain-filled loss. There is the loss of love, the loss of finances, the loss of possessions, the loss of family and friends. The children suffer loss. The parents of the couple suffer loss. Even the family pets have no idea where they’ll end up. 

There are reasons for divorce, but it is a last resort, not the first one. There are reasons for separation, but the goal is not divorce; it is either safety or finding healing and ways to try again. Every marriage is worth fighting for because every life is redeemable and every child needs an intact family. 

Marriage is sacred; two have become one. It is “until death do us part.” Fight for yours. Don’t become lethargic in your marriage. Date your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Plan a Valentine’s get-away weekend. Attend a marriage seminar. Do not listen to the enemy’s voice.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

Therefore they are no longer two, but one flesh…what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6).

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Women

Passing

The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the oxygen machine. Holding her hand, I receive a semi-opened eye of pure love. She says a word or two occasionally. The best of late were, “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

My mother is 96 years old and has been the Eveready Bunny most of my life. She could work circles around anyone. Lying in a bed in a hospice unit must be extremely difficult and tormenting to her normally active self. And for the number of years under her belt, she can recall most anything. Her mind has stayed uncannily sharp.

Even while in assisted living, a place my wife and I jokingly refer to as “unassisted living,” she caught five med errors. That’s something to boast about at her age!

With my father preceding her to heaven, one feels the oncoming loss of both parents. But these last days are not about me as a son; they’re about caring for a mother who loved me, fought for me, and lovingly raised me. She was protective, but not overly protective. She corrected me but never overcorrected. Most times, as a misbehaving son I could make her laugh and then she’d forget about why she was disciplining me. I’d quickly be off the hook.

Laughing came easy to her, but she did not tolerate what she called “stupid humor.” The movie Elf was in that category for her. One of her nurses also falls within that category and she just rolls her eyes at her. Honestly, I’d have to agree with her on that one. 

Last night we prayed and I released my mother to her heavenly home. It was sweet, but without response from her. I know she agreed. Billy Graham once said there are two days in a person’s life that they do not control–the day they are born and the day they die. Everything in between is a choice. My mother made good choices during those in-between years. 

How does one say goodbye? When the one passing is a lover of Jesus you do not; you say, “See you later.” It is that hope we hold as Christians. The reason? Jesus did not stay in the grave. After the third day He arose from that tomb the enemy thought would hold Him, while the Romans believing no one could roll a huge stone away. He gloriously became the resurrection and the life.

I love how Matthew describes the scene at the tomb Sunday morning. He writes, “The angel went to the tomb and rolled the stone away from the entrance. Then he sat on top of the stone.” (28:2-5) That was one tough and totally cool angel! He sat on top of the stone waiting for the first arrivals to the empty grave.

End of life with our parents is not an easy time, but it can be a good time when our relationship is whole and full of love. If you’re out of relationship with a loved one, do all you know to do to make it right, forgive, and humble yourself. You only get one set of parents in this life and none of them are perfect, not even you. 

My mother is still with us this Easter, but unfortunately, she won’t be able to join the rest of us around our celebration table. We’ll miss her at the meal, but then we’ll gather around her bed celebrating her life until she enters her eternal home.  Meanwhile, she is holding onto a soft bear companion that my granddaughter is sharing with her.

I love you, Mom! One of these days we’ll be saying, “See you later” and it will be okay.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

Showing Public Affection: PDA

PDA, is an acronym for “Public Display of Affection.” If you’re married, how comfortable are you with PDA? Does it embarrass you? Would you rather not see it, or would you find a smile on your face when you observe a couple embracing affectionately in public?

I had a friend who longed for his wife’s affection while out walking. He simply wanted to hold her hand. However, she was raised by a family to believe public affection was being forward, almost bragging about their marriage in a way that flaunted pride. He tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but she would not relent.

If you’re married, affection is for your benefit, your marriage. To demonstrate your love to one another by affection is a form of maintaining intimacy. Holding your spouse’s hand says, “I got you, you’re mine, you’re safe with me, and I love you!” When we take the hand of a child to cross the street, we’re communicating nonverbally that we’ll protect them, care for them, keep them safe and that they can trust us. Why wouldn’t we want to give that same message to our spouse and to those who happen to catch us in the act?

Help bring security, attachment, affection and love to your spouse with a healthy dose of PDA. Hold hands, kiss and embrace. Your children may make fun at first, but they’ll grow to love you for it!

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Children, Encouragement, History, In the news, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Parents

It’s Christmas!

Christmas is that wonderful time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ with our families and the world. This season is celebrated around the world in different forms and fashions, but the holiday is dedicated to remembering and rejoicing in the birth of our Savior and Redeemer, Christ.

Here are some fun facts about Christmas gathered for your family enjoyment:

  • The tallest Christmas tree ever displayed was in Seattle, Washington. It measured 221 feet tall.  
  • The top six Christmas tree producing states are Oregon, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Washington and Wisconsin.
  • Buying all the gifts from the “12 Days of Christmas” song would cost you a ton of money. The most expensive being “Swans a Swimming.”
  • When the candy cane was created in Germany, it was made into a “J” for Jesus. The red                 stripes symbolize His blood and the white His purity. 
  • It is a tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas. Orders must be placed two months in advance.
  • 1 in 3 men wait until Christmas Eve to do their shopping.
  • Christmas trees usually grow for close to 15 years before they can be sold. 
  • Bing Crosby’s version of “White Christmas” is the highest-selling single of all time.
  • Christmas lights were so expensive that they used to be rented rather than sold. An electrically lit tree was a status symbol in the early 1900’s.
  • The first Salvation Army collection kettle took place in San Francisco’s Oakland Ferry at the foot of Market St. It was a large crab pot with a sign that read “Keep the Pot Boiling.”  
  • In 2012 there were more than 15,000 holiday decorating injuries during November and December. The most common being falls, 34% of all injuries.  
  • The word “Merry” in Merry Christmas was not always accepted because being merry used to signify slight intemperance.  
  • The Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School in Midland, MI hosts 130 Santas each year where they gather and learn about the history of St. Nick, popular toys and Santa etiquette.  
  • In 1980, the highest selling Christmas toy was a Rubik’s cube for $1.99. It now retails for $10.
  • The abbreviation X in X-Mas is not an abbreviation. It stands for “Chi,” meaning Christ in Greek.  
  • The reason we give presents during Christmas is to symbolize the gifts given to Jesus by the three wise men.

There you have a few facts about Christmas, some rather strange. I pray that your Christmas season is full of fun, family, love, and of course CHRIST!

For a child is born to us,
    a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
    And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor,[a] Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 His government and its peace
    will never end.
He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David
    for all eternity.
The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
    will make this happen! (Isaiah 9:6, 7 NLT)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Parents, Training

Our Children and Their Tech Devices

I am using a tech device as I write this blog. I check my phone for messages multiple times in a day. My only telephone isn’t really a phone but rather a minicomputer. Screen time for many of us has steadily increased year after year. 

And so, we introduce technical devices to our kids. They’re using them in school, and they’re glued to them after school. We’re trying to get them off their devices to eat dinner or do their homework while we’re glued to a screen ourselves. What is the irony in telling a child their screen time is limited when our eyes are attached to our own screen?

A 2016 study by Common Sense Media found that one half of teenagers felt addicted to their mobile devices. And a 2021 study by Common Sense showed a 17% increase to that addiction. They also found teenagers are picking up their phones over 50 times per day!

Children are dying due to social media posts. In a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on child online safety, Meta founder Mark Zucherburg apologized to parents who say their children experienced bullying or died due to social media content. He said, “I’m sorry for everything you have all been through.” Unfortunately, that apology takes no responsibility for change. 

Social media heavily used by our kids is now connected to mental health issues. Evidence through multiple studies reveals that our children are suffering from cognitive function and compromised learning. Kids are suffering from insomnia, weight loss or gain, vision issues, headaches, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. *

Both South Korea and China now officially recognize “Internet Addiction” as a psychiatric disorder. The Korean government has started “internet rescue camps” for kids “detoxing” from their devices.

Dopamine fuels this addiction, and it is affecting the natural growth of a child’s brain. We are teaching our youth that when stressed, when depressed, or when anxious we can fuel that feeling with some of our own brain chemicals through screen time. Will this addiction lead our children to other addictions with alcohol and drugs, tobacco and food? The research is now showing this to be a strong possibility.

Parents, find activities for your children that are not device related. Get them into sports, science clubs, horseback riding, 4-H, fishing, reading books, hunting, bike riding and the like. Send them out to the woods, the creek and the park to play and to interact with real relationships. Give them your time in teaching them to maintain the yard, wash the dishes, make their bed, wash the car and change the oil. Take them hiking on Sunday afternoon or to a professional baseball game. Find a local church with children’s programs that includes boys’ and girls’ camping and other outdoor challenges while reinforcing godly values. 

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

*Dr Maria Azaret, 2.21.24

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Parents, Training

Parents Who Protect Too Much

We’ve all read about how my generation (the boomers) left their home to play with friends after breakfast, returned home for a quick lunch (maybe) and then left again until the dinner bell, whistle or car horn was blowing. It was especially true of summer life. However today, and often rightly so, we’re warned about bad persons, dangerous places, deep ponds, getting lost and dirty environments. We want to protect our kids form hurt and harm and help them avoid accidents. But are we helping them or us as parents?

I was reading a report about this very thing in an article from the journal Science. Interestingly it stated kids who grow up with less sanitary conditions and sanitized environments, being exposed to plants, dirt, trees, creeks, animals and microbes grow up with far less allergies. In other words, “eat some dirt, it might be good for you.” Going too far?

Most professionals in your children’s lives will tell you that they love parental involvement but despise “helicopter parents” or parents who are so involved they are actually “protecting” their children from adapting to the world around them. 

The self-esteem movement began in the 1970’s and by the 1980’s we were giving trophies to the losers of the game. Last place in a race was being rewarded for fear of harming our child’s esteem. We said that everyone was a winner. While self-esteem and self-confidence matter, rewarding failure produces entitlement in our kids. There becomes no incentive in a reward for just showing up and children will naturally and quickly lose interest. 

Kids need consequences and kids need to learn to take responsibility for their actions. What happens to our children if they’re constantly rescued? One day in college (where the parents can’t intervene) they’ll find a professor that gives them the grade they deserve, a failing one. Later they’ll face a boss who doesn’t coddle them and tell them they are special, and they can do anything they want and succeed. Eventually they will start hearing the truth, so why not speak it now while your kids are in their formative years?

Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Both options are a chance to speak truth and love to our children so they can handle both situations appropriately. Stop overprotecting your kids; they need risk, failure, pain, work, and dirt to grow up into well-balanced, non-whining adults. 

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:14,15)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Is Marriage First or Is Ministry First?

Church planting and/or pastoral ministry is a huge undertaking, and it is not a 9-5 job. Pastors serve congregants all hours of the day and night. There is a high expectation placed upon a pastor’s life and schedule.

There are births, deaths, weddings, counseling, hospital visits, family visits all beside sermon prep, teaching, preaching and oversight of multiple ministries within the local church. It certainly can be overwhelming and far more than normal fulltime employment. 

For most, pastoral ministry is a calling and a passion. 

However, pastors have a marriage and children who can often feel as though they come after the ministry. Learning to put marriage before ministry can be a daunting challenge. I Timothy 5: 8 reminds us of a biblical priority, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Here are some helps to keep pastoral ministry and marriage in their proper perspective:

Love your spouse more than your ministry. If you have a congregation of 100 persons, you will never please everyone. But you do need to please your spouse. If you are prioritizing the needs of your congregation above the needs of your family, you are already missing the mark biblically. Your first church is your marriage and your children.

    Attempting to gain the approval of 100 persons is impossible, but it is not impossible to gain the approval of your immediate family. And here’s something to commit to memory: another can pastor your congregation, but no one else is called to lead and care for your marriage and family. (See Ephesians 5: 25-28.)

    • Pursue intimacy from your marriage and not your ministry. Your ministry is not the one that you are called to romance. Many pastors’ marriages have fallen to pieces because ministry was their mistress. Your spouse is more important than any one congregant and she/he should feel that. If your spouse observes that you’ve been out too many nights, listen and ask what a better balance might be. Specifically talk about evening ministry versus daytime ministry. 

    Create a regular date night and take a weekly family day. When ministry does take the priority and interrupts your marital priorities there will be more understanding given to you from your family. 

    • Pastors have marriage issues just like anyone else. Do not sell yourself short in realizing that your marriage needs marriage retreats and seminars. Do not avoid counseling. If there is a need in your marriage, then lead by example and find appropriate input and help. 
    • Pastors frequently deal with conflicts arising within their church family and are often expected to help resolve issues. That said, you dare not enter the threshold of your home and sink into an easy chair avoiding your own family’s issues. If your family is dealing with a conflict, then you are part of the solution as well. Just because you have heavy situations within the church does not mean you receive a pass from directly dealing with home issues. 

    Dealing with conflict among others means you must develop the skill of listening. That skill is needed in your home also. Do not turn a deaf ear to the cries of your spouse.

    Making sure that your heart is in your home as well as your ministry will serve you well. More than likely your marriage was before your ministry. And your marriage will remain after your ministry, so keep it the highest priority. Your spouse and your children will love and respect you for it. 

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Women

    Does Going Through a Rough Patch in Our Marriage Disqualify Us from Ministry?

    Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.

    The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility? 

    The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.

    We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.

    You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!

    The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!

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    Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

    Do You Punish Your Children or Do You Correct Them?

    Honestly, one of the most difficult times while raising children was when I had to enforce a boundary as their father. Providing the appropriate discipline in the appropriate manner was often a challenge. You see, children have this uncanny ability to bring the worst out of you as the parent. At my worst, I might have over-corrected or when angry dished out punishment rather than correction. Is there a difference? Yes, there is.  (And by the way, seeing your “worst” is not such a bad thing.) 

    Punishment has to do with me preserving my right to be angry with my child and keeping my posture as the one in charge. It says that my child must pay for what he or she did wrong. Punishment is often done out of anger lacking any training toward change, put simply, a more powerful parent enforcing his or her will upon the weaker child. Punishment is more about inflicting shame and pain for wrongdoing. Further, fathers who are into punishment rather than correction of our sons and daughters might ultimately cause our kids to view God as a punishing God.

    Correction, on the other hand, is not just about reward and punishment; it is more about challenging actions and shaping a will in a life-giving method. It is training out of a spirit of love. It is more about guiding and forming the spirit of the child rather than reinforcing the will of the parent. It is less about anger and more about what’s best for the child. 

    Correction takes time to administer because it includes instruction toward a different and healthier life pattern and future. Punishment on the other hand is normally abrupt, more about reaction and often with little thought. Proverbs 29: 15 says that the rod of correction imparts life – correction imparts life!  Job 5:17 tells us, “Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.”

    Take the time to administer correction and instruction vs. abrupt punishment that might wound more than heal. Be sensitive to age levels. The older the child the more reasoning capacity they have, so keep your words to a minimum especially when they’re under age 10. You are not trying to convince them, manipulate them or even come to agreement. You are showing them a better way with better consequences. 

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