Category Archives: Children

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography

Children and Pornography – It’s Traumatizing Effects

According to the research, most children are exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed accidentally on the internet and many are exposed by coming into contact with their parents’ pornographic material. Those who are sexual predators specifically target young children via porn for the purpose of exploitation. 

A friend of mine told me he was only nine years of age when a friend shared his grandfather’s stash of porn with him found in their barn.

The Effects of Seeing Pornography as a Child

Children do not possess the emotional or cognitive capacity to assimilate pornography in any form. Children report feeling embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, overwhelming sadness and repulsion after being exposed to porn. Young children who view pornography are more likely to sexually assault their peers and siblings. 

According to the American College of Pediatrics, “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional and psychological…outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior…sexual promiscuity…and a distorted view of relationships between men and women. For adults, pornography addiction results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children.”

When my friend was around age 12 he and his friends hid pornographic magazines in their tree house. He said, “We would invite girls into our tree house so we could act out what we saw in the magazines.”

Pornography use as teenagers distorts their view of healthy sexuality and seriously affects, in multiple negative ways, personal relationships. Pornography use fosters the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is abnormal. Teenagers involved in pornography have difficulty forming lasting, healthy opposite sex relationships which results in higher rates of poor self-images. 

How is Pornography Harming Our Children?

Children viewing pornography are severely harming their brain development. Young, developing minds are hypersensitive to stimuli. That means children can form habits, both positive and negative, very quickly. 

A child’s view of sexuality as normative between husband and wife is ruined by pornography. Pornography presents anything but normality. For young boys, it makes girls an object. Children are taught that sexuality is all about them. It can be violent in nature and it teaches that sex should be expected in a relationship.

Pornography use creates a secretive lifestyle which promotes hiding, lying, and denial. Viewing pornography removes the child from necessary play activities. It can be sleep disruptive. It will reduce scholastic performance by stealing time from school work. 

Viewing pornography increases other unhealthy, abnormal behaviors like sexting. Children learn and grow by mimicking the behavior they see and experience. While children are naturally inclined to explore their bodies, pornography will take them far beyond any natural exploration. 

What You Can Do

  • Talk to your children about pornography. Ask lots of questions. Be persistent.
  • Place a program on your computer that aggressively withholds access to pornography. 
  • Remove data access on their smartphones.
  • Talk to your children about their peers and what they might be exposing your child to.
  • Be calm about discussing the topic and reassure your child of your love no matter what they say.
  • If your child confesses use to you, thank them for their honesty.
  • Work at not placing more shame or judgement upon them. 
  • Find resources to help you as the parent and your child. Talk to your pastor and your local church counselor. Ask for recommendations to help your child and yourself. 

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

  • United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women. 
  • Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
  • 40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
  • The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
  • Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1) 

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin. 

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue. 

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it. 

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Parents

The Ragman

by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

My wife and I stumbled upon this amazing story many years ago. We actually turned it into a skit with our foster children and performed it at our local church. I find it intriguing and hopeful and so appropriate for Easter. Enjoy!

I saw a strange sight. I stumbled upon a story most strange, like nothing in my life, my street sense, my sly tongue had ever prepared me for. Hush now, and I will tell it to you.

Even before the dawn one Friday morning, I noticed a young man, handsome and strong, walking the alleys of our city. He was pulling an old cart filled with clothes both bright and new, and he was calling in a clear tenor voice: “Rags!”

“Rags! New rags for old! I take your old, dirty, and tired rags! Rags!”

Now this is a wonder, I thought to myself, for the man stood six-feet-four, and his arms were like tree limbs, hard and muscular. His eyes flashed love and wonderment. Could he find no better job than this? To be a ragman in the inner city?

I followed him. My curiosity drove me. And I wasn’t disappointed. For what I was about to see was miraculous.

Soon the ragman saw a woman sitting on her back porch. She was sobbing into a handkerchief, sighing, and shedding a thousand tears. Her knees and elbows made a sad X. Her shoulders shook. Her heart was breaking.

The ragman stopped his cart. Quietly, he walked to the woman, stepping round tin cans, dead toys, and baby diapers.

“Give me your rag,” he said gently, “and I’ll give you another.”

He slipped the handkerchief from her eyes. She looked up, and he laid across her palm a linen cloth so clean and new that it shined. She blinked from the gift to the giver.

Then, as he began to pull his cart again, the ragman did a strange thing: he put her stained handkerchief to his own face and he began to weep, to sob as grievously as she had done. His shoulders were shaking vigorously. Yet she was left without a tear.

This is a wonder, I breathed to myself, and I followed the sobbing ragman like a child who cannot turn away from a mystery.

‘Rags! Rags! New rags for old!”

In a little while, when the sky showed grey behind the rooftops and I could see the shredded curtains hanging out black windows, the ragman came upon a girl whose head was wrapped in a bandage, whose eyes were empty. Blood soaked her bandage. A single line of blood ran down her cheek.

Now the ragman full of compassion looked upon this child with pity, as he drew a lovely yellow bonnet from his cart.

“Give me your rag,” he said, tracing his own line on her cheek, “and I’ll give you mine.”

The child could only gaze at him while he loosened the bandage, removed it, and tied it to his own head, while placing the bonnet upon her. I gasped at what I saw: for with the bandage went the wound! Against his brow it ran a darker, more substantial blood – his own!

“Rags! Rags! I take old rags!” cried the sobbing, bleeding, strong ragman.

The sun hurt both the sky now, and my eyes; the ragman seemed more and more in a hurry.

“Are you going to work?” he asked a man who leaned against a telephone pole. The man shook his head. The ragman pressed him: “Do you have a job?”

“Are you crazy?” sneered the man. He pulled away from the pole, revealing the right sleeve of his jacket – flat, the cuff stuffed into the pocket. He had no arm.

“So,” said the ragman. “Give me your jacket, and I’ll give you mine.”

The one-armed man took off his jacket as did the ragman. I trembled at what I was now seeing: the ragman’s arm stayed in its sleeve, and when the other put the ragman’s jacket on, he now had two good arms, thick as tree limbs.

“Go to work,” said the now one-armed ragman.

Stumbling upon a drunk, the ragman found lying unconscious beneath an army blanket an old man hunched in a fetal position. He took that blanket and wrapped it round himself, but for the drunk he left new clothes.

And now I had to run to keep up with the ragman. Though he was weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding freely at the forehead, pulling his cart with one arm, stumbling for drunkenness, falling again and again, exhausted, looking older, and sick, yet he moved with a steady pace. He eventually came to the city limits, and then he rushed beyond.

I wept to see the change in this man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And yet I needed to see where he was going in such haste, perhaps to know what drove him onward.

The ragman came to a landfill; the garbage pits. I wanted to help him in what he was attempting to do but I hung back, hiding. He climbed a hill. With tormented labor he cleared a little space on that hill. Then, he layed down and pillowed his head on a handkerchief and a jacket. He covered his bones with an army blanket and then he died.

How I cried to witness that death! I slumped over and wailed as one who has no hope. I had come to admire the ragman. I sobbed myself to sleep.

I did not know, how could I know? I slept through Friday night and Saturday night too.

But then, on Sunday morning, I was wakened by a violently supernatural bright light.

Light – pure, bright, demanding light slammed against my face. I blinked and I looked and I saw the ragman, folding his blanket most carefully, a scar on his forehead, but alive! There was no sign of sorrow or age and all the rags he had gathered shined, cleansed and bright.

I walked up to the ragman. I told him my name. I felt compeled to remove my clothes. I said to him with longing in my voice: “Dress me.”

He dressed me. My Lord, he put new rags on me, and I am a wonder beside him. The ragman, the ragman, the Christ!

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Leave and Cleave; Have You Left Your Parents?

I distinctly remember when each of our children left their family home for good. It is never a matter of will they leave, but rather a matter of when and how they will leave. Be assured, they will one day leave and the test of all that you taught them will begin. 

God instructed the newlywed to “leave and cleave.” It was a pretty clear command to leave father and mother. But it was not a command to lose relationship in the process. More so, it was a command to switch one’s loyalty from their parents to their spouse. 

Have you “left” your parents? And, what boundaries have you set in place? Here are some boundaries that my wife and I agreed to early in our marriage. 

  • We would never mention the “D” word–divorce.
  • We would not return to our parent’s home and leave or separate from our spouse.
  • We would not maintain a dependency upon our parents in anyway, i.e., financially or emotionally.
  • We would never speak disrespectfully about our spouse to our parents.
  • We would not allow our parents or extended family to speak negatively about our spouse. 
  • We would not share our spouses weaknesses with anyone unless we empower that person to help us with that weakness.
  • We would establish our own traditions and traditional visits to family.
  • We would not expect any kind of inheritance from our families.
  • We would not borrow money from our parents unless our parents approached us, we agreed with them and agreed to the terms and conditions.
  • We would not allow the influence of a parent to outweigh the influence of our spouse.
  • We would always honor our parents, but our first loyalty would be to one another.
  • We would always maintain a spirit of respect toward our parents even if we disagreed with them.
  • We would listen to their counsel and apply it as we agreed together to do.
  • We would care for them together as they aged.

There could certainly be a lot more areas to agree upon, but I think you get the idea. Obviously clear, open and honest communication is necessary to maintain an attitude of honor and affirmation toward your parents while at the same time finding your way as a “leaving and cleaving” couple.

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Challenge, Children, History, Issues of the Day, Parents

Family Relationships vs. Activity

Growing up in the 1960’s seemed like such a slower pace than we endure these days. As kids, we had long summer days at the creek, riding our bikes for miles on lonely country roads or creating forts in the woods behind our house. 

Sometimes we’d get the neighborhood kids together and play football, baseball or go sledding down numerous hills we could claim within walking distance from home.

Entertainment was a handheld AM transistor radio playing the latest tunes or a few black and white TV programs in the evening. We went to bed early after convincing Mom we had a bath two nights ago and didn’t need one that night. 

We caught fireflies in the summer and made campfires in the winter or anxiously waited for the creek to freeze so we could ice skate or play hockey. Ice hockey was preferred using the perfect dogged leg stick and a smashed tin can as a puck. 

We constantly used our imagination. Was there boredom? Yes, but that gave time for whittling a new slingshot, repairing a bike or accomplishing our chores. Oh yeah, chores. We had jobs to do and that often came before school work. 

There were expectations in those days. Families ate together, sat on the front porch together watching the cars go by and swatted flies. The adults read the newspaper and the kids read the funnies. Families talked about life, cousins or uncles in the military, house rules, right and wrong. There was talking, listening, and once in a while, laughter. Even the TV shows of the day were a picture of the same. 

The pace of life today is not the same. Families are going from activity to activity. Kids are having to wolf down Happy Meals or “value meals” over and over in order to make it to the next practice on time. We’re all too often missing the conversations around the dinner table and time together on the deck just talking and laughing. This fast paced life is valuing activity over relationship and it’s hurting family life. 

Will our children look back at their childhood and see mostly activity or remember relationship building as a family value? 

We live in a diffferent world today, but work hard at giving your children something to remember: RELATIONSHIP.

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Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles

DINK’S – Have you Heard About Them?

It’s our culture’s latest attempt at trying to minimize what has historically been the norm when it comes to marriage. With couples marrying older and having fewer children, DINK’S have now become a thing.

What is a D.I.N.K? It’s an acronym: Double Income No Children.

Yep, more and more couples are opting for “wealth” and “freedom” over bearing and raising children. Is it selfishly motivated? Maybe. 

(Note: This is not a blog for those who long for children and who have been unable to conceive or where there are physical complications. For you, we grieve.) 

It sounds nice, even inviting to have more financial resources to travel, to buy nice things, to have money left over at the end of the month and to max out that 401K. But, what are they missing?

DINKS are missing out on a monumental part of life – bearing and raising children. The joy of children; the parental self-maturing of raising children; the personal pain and emotional ups and downs of child raising. Perhaps in your 30’s you’ll never miss out on children, but when you’re in your 50’s, I guarantee you it will be a different story. 

How will you look back on your life without the legacy of raising kids to adults? Further, you’ll never know or experience grandparenting.

Finally, what happens when you come to the end of your life? Who will be there? Where will all of the “stuff” you’ve collected go? Who will care for you and visit you if you need to be in a retirement home, while all of your friends and extended family are themselves passing? 

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Providing Security for Your Children

What is the number one security need of a child? The answer is an intact family. Expressed or not, children whose parents remain together are more secure children. A close-knit family, regardless of personal family income or status, will give their children a sense that all is good in the world. 

As parents express affection in front of the children on a daily basis, it just might cause some initial reactions of “gross,” but on the inside they’ll be smirking with delight. 

Are you holding hands in front of your children, kissing or expressing love to one another? Are you praying together, going out on dates and verbalizing out loud to one another how important you each are? Do your children witness your uncompromising love, commitment and personal connection? Do your children hear you thank and appreciate one another for all you do to make this family work?

These are expressions of security to your children. Incorporate them on a daily basis and watch their reactions. They may tell you to “Go get a room,” but their security meter will be on the rise.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

I Love Growing Old(er)

I hear people complain all the time about growing older – aging. My 87-year-old aunt repeatedly said, “Don’t grow old; it’s the pits.” 

But I don’t think it’s the pits; it’s rather entertaining at times. I recently ate at a restaurant and asked the waitress if they had a “senior’s discount.” She told me she already gave it to me. I found myself laughing at her honesty and her observation of me.

Older people can get away with things because…well, we’re old. We have an excuse for being forgetful. We have an excuse for tripping over nothing and we have an excuse for just being slower. I actually read a social media meme recently that said, “I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart…I forgot where I was going with this, but I do know that I love bacon.”

It’s a fact that our hip bones get bigger and our pupils get smaller actually decreasing in size as we age. So, there’s two more excuses. One for gaining weight and one for not seeing everything.  

As I age, I find I have to make my coffee stronger. Is that failing taste buds? And as I age, I have discovered that sometimes senior citizens receive a free pass when it comes to doing something not so bright. People say things like, “Ah, he’s old; let him alone.”

As I age, my signature keeps getting shorter and shorter. Writing out my last name just takes too long. Now it’s Pro————- (illegible).

But honestly, the best thing about getting older? Every day I am closer to my eternal home. Every day I find myself thinking more and more about who I will become reacquainted with, who will approach me and say, “We never met on earth, but I read ________ and it changed my life.” With each passing day there is no fear of tomorrow, no fear of dying and no fear of loss. 

Do I want to leave earth unexpectedly? No. I am not requesting an “early out.” I do want to be able to say “See you later” to everyone. I want to bless my children and my children’s children. I want to be assured of seeing them later. I want to spend every minute that I can with my wife and my loved ones. I want to tell my grandchildren one more time, “Papaw loves you.” Because…

I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of his people. Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants. (Psalm 116:14,15)

PS I hope that you have enjoyed my 700th blog. I sure have enjoyed writing them and hearing your comments. :)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Parents, Training

Raising Your Children in Church is no Guarantee

Parents mean well, but make mistakes. I know; I am one. Children make mistakes too. So, when I hear the comment, “Raise up a child in the way he should go, he’ll not depart from it…” spoken in a religious, pride-filled, I-got-a-guarantee way, I cringe. 

But, truth be told, we do not raise our children in a church so they can be perfect Christian specimens or simply do not sin and/or make wrong choices, because they do. Kids raised in a local church with their parents have the capacity to follow God or not; parents cannot force that. 

Your local church should be reinforcing your values as a parent, providing a healthy youth group and reinforcing through other like believers what you as a parent are teaching them at home. 

Our desire as parents in showing them the way of faith is to be preventative as much as it is to build eternity in their hearts. We want to give them the purpose and meaning of life so they walk in that purpose for themselves, maintaining the boundaries that God has written in His word. 

As well, when our children do mess up they have an advocate with the Father, His Son. They will know forgiveness and truth that sets them free. When our children fall short of God’s glorious ideal, just as we do as parents, they’ll know Who they can go to. They’ll know His love and His approval along with His love-filled correction. They’ll discover that even when they do wrong their heavenly Father never leaves them or forsakes them. In fact, when being honest with God, He’ll embrace them even more. 

Parents have the choice to offer unconditional love to their children on a daily basis. While the child may know this and take it for granted, it’s only when they mess up that they realize the grace and forgiveness found within true unconditional love. 

The fact remains, nothing can separate us from the love of God. And God’s discipline is a part of that love. When we as parents correctly, respectfully and without anger bring correction to our children, we are modeling the love of God to them. 

As a parent of three 30-40 somethings and four grandchildren, I will never apologize for training my children to love God first so that all good things from God can follow. I will never apologize for taking them faithfully to a local church, to church camp or encouraging them to travel with me around the world to minister to others. I will never apologize for taking the time to have family devotions, teaching my children the practical application of the word of God in their lives. All of these things are collectively fulfilling Colossians 1:28 and Galatians 4:19:

 He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

    My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you.

As parents, our goal is not to build “us” in our children, but rather, to actively and by example build Christ in them.

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Women

Allowing Those Around Me to Define Me

Attempting to be who or what others feel we ought to be is dangerous. We have all dealt with thoughts like these or imagined expressions from others. I just recently experienced a 93-year-old person tell me they could no longer go to church because they now need to use a walker. I assured this person that no one would judge them or look down on them for using a walker. In fact, I told her no one would even care, they would be so glad to see her. She looked at me and said, “I would care; I would be embarrassed.” 

Wow, even at that age we care about what others may think of us or how we perceive they may be perceiving us?

Let’s define what I am describing as, “I don’t know who I am, so I’ll allow another to define me.” When we do this either consciously or unconsciously, we are allowing another to define who we are and that definition may not be anywhere near accurate for who we’ve been created to be. 

When we fall prey to this level of self-thought, we are actually inhibiting God from expressing to us how He sees us. We’re missing the mark by giving in to either peer pressure or a negative view of who we are. 

You and I were not created to bear the image of anyone else other than who the Father says we are. Henry Nouwen said it this way, “Spiritual identity means we are not what we do or what people say about us…we are not what we have. We are the beloved daughters and sons of God.”

In the book, Identity: The Distinctiveness of You I wrote, “It is not an option to be an image bearer, but it is an option as to whose image we bear. To bear the image of the One who created us can never be accomplished by mere human thought, balance, personal effort, blood, sweat or tears. It is received. An unworthy human vessel is baptized in the love of God, the truth of God, the Spirit of God and the character of God in order to reveal the image of God.”

We are image bearers. Whose image do you desire to bear?

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