Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Singles, Women

Playing God by Not Forgiving

Have you ever wondered why forgiveness comes easy when bumping into a stranger and far more difficult when needing to respond to a close relationship? Here’s why: You have far more invested in a close relationship than with a stranger.

When hurt by someone you’re close to or maybe even love, you can become significantly angrier, bent out of shape, defensive, and even prideful. When we refuse to forgive, the anger remains as does the broken relationship. We can fake it for only so long and then things begin to break down. We stop communicating or we simply “unfriend” them. When we withhold forgiveness what are we doing?

We are voicing our objections. We are saying the hurt is bigger than the need for reconciliation. We are saying that even though God can forgive, we cannot, making the cross insufficient for this situation. We are literally saying that the price Christ made for our forgiveness was not enough for our hurt.

When this happens, we are in violation of the scripture. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Does this person deserve your forgiveness? Maybe not, but there is a higher law at stake and it’s higher than your feelings. Feelings should not rule our heart–truth should. 

Forgive as you have been forgiven. Don’t let pride get in your way. Your inner peace and your own forgiveness is at stake.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

How Do You Define Your Spouse?

My wife and I recently completed another six sessions of premarital counseling with a couple. They’re excited about their future. They have a gleam in their eyes. They are full of anticipation for what’s ahead. And there’s one other special thing we notice frequently. 

This couple tends to define each other with passionate praise. For example, “He’s so observant of my needs.” Or “She compliments me often.” We admire this trait and encourage it.

Meeting with couples in counseling or at marriage seminars we lead, we notice those expressions or definitions seem to change. After some marriage years under their belts, we hear things like, “I have to pick up after him all the time,” or “He doesn’t do this…” The men use language like, “Where did those compliments go?” or “I just wish she would appreciate me for who I am and not who she thinks I should be.”

Where did those attractions, compliments, and praises go? Why does the focus seem to change once we’re married? Are we called to the construction crew of marriage or the destruction crew? Yes, we have faults, idiosyncrasies, unhelpful habits, but we are also maturing, growing, learning about ourselves, and becoming who God calls us to become. This process is lifelong, not immediate.

Perhaps we could begin to pray for our mate while they are in this process. Perhaps we could be reminded that we are also in that same process of change and maturation. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, desired, and anticipated. (Hebrews 11:1) By faith we see our mate as God sees them. By faith we ask our heavenly Father to see our love, appreciation, and praise increase toward our life mate. 

By faith focus more on what we can do and say rather than allowing our minds to be consumed with what we’re not seeing in our spouse. 

Discover that praise motivates far more than criticism.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Politics, Training

Presidents of the U.S. in Your Lifetime

Recently I was in Chicago working and my hosts took me to see the Obama Center. It is quite the elaborate structure and grounds. As we were leaving, I was thinking to myself, “Did this president accomplish what God had assigned for him during his presidency?” 

That question comes from the scripture we find in Romans 13. “…For there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgement on themselves.” (Romans 13:1-2)

God has a plan, a purpose for that authority whether you like them or not. He asked us to honor that authority; to not rebel against them or we will bring judgment against ourselves. He did not consider our feelings in the matter. 

Further, He asks us to pray for the authorities in our lives. I Timothy 2:1-2 urges us to pray for all authority in order to live a peacful and godly life.

Then this thought/question came to me, “Have you (Steve) obeyed and accomplished that which I (God) have assigned to you in your authority? Are you reflecting my will and purpose for your life to others?” 

There is a single goal in life that we can adhere to: Love and obey the voice of your Father in the short time you have here on this earth. (Matthew 22:37-40)

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Women

Your Marriage Connection After a Long and Exhausting Day

It’s been a long and grueling workday for him. So many expectations from the boss and those workmates. Some days are way too long even though they’re all nine hours plus a commute. The final straw was the traffic encountered on the drive home and the red lights; why so many red lights?

She’s been wrestling with three toddlers all day long. Could the day become any longer, especially when the youngest simply refused nap time and now can not stop fussing? The young mom can’t wait for “relief” to come through the door. Perhaps then she’ll find the time to get the wash done and clean up the kitchen while at the same time thinking about dinner for everyone.

When she hears the garage door go up, who or what will she see coming through the back door. When he arrives home, that place of solace, will he find peace? Both of you are exhausted and both of you are looking for a breather. The two of you are expecting a hug, a listening ear or maybe even a kiss. You both could use a break, but instead you find a drained life mate simply wanting to lay on the couch and catch their breath.

Rather than being the person everyone would love to come home to, you find yourselves arguing once again. And it’s always over the smallest, most insignificant stuff. What is wrong with us?

You have forgotten how to ready yourself for one another. You have lost that spirit of anticipation. You have allowed yourself and your problems to become bigger than the two of you. Rather than thinking about the love of your life returning home, you’re thinking about how many times you’ve been spit up on and how many messes you have cleaned up through the day. His head is still at work rehearsing the demands of his job and how will he get through another day before the weekend break.

Can you recall when you were engaged and getting ready for a date night? The anticipation was building by the moment. There was no distraction that was going to keep you from one another’s arms. The stuff of life did not get in the way of the two of you. You worked on looking your best, thinking your best, and being your best. Where did all that go and who says it has to leave?

The two of you can get it back. Work at anticipating and being the person your spouse desires, no, longs to come home to. Rather than the typical argument of who is the most tired or how long your day was, be the one who drops as much as possible in order to greet your spouse with a kiss, a facial expression of “I missed you,” and an embrace of “It’s good to have you home!” 

As you work together through the evening, be sure to save time for yourselves. Find an hour to talk and to pray through your day. Create some “us” time so you can hear each other’s heart. Be good to one another and anticipate a daily time of connecting.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

Does Time Heal?

We often hear the phrase, “Time heals,” but does it? The short answer is “no” it does not. Time in and of itself provides no healing, only distance and/or separation. It gives us a distance between the hurt and our healing from the hurt. Time separates us from the actual incident, but it’s up to us to use that time for seeking personal healing. 

Time allows us to seek forgiveness from the one we hurt or to offer forgiveness to the one who hurt us. Perhaps the depth of the hurt relates to how much time it takes for us to face our emotions or better said, our reactions to our thoughts about the incident. Time allows the intensity of the situation to subside a bit while it gives us a reprieve to think more clearly and to respond more accurately.  Time also creates space for acceptance.

James 1:19 reminds us to be “…slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to become angry.” It’s an easy verse to read, but a difficult one to walk out, especially when you’re nursing a hurt. 

Let’s be honest. We’re not hurt by things or stuff; we’re hurt by people. The closer we are to someone the greater the hurt can be. That’s why family wounds can hurt the most and also why we can carry them the longest. 

Here is some really good news when it comes to carrying hurts:

Our heavenly Father is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He heals our hearts and He binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). Jesus told us that blessed are those who mourn, they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Our Marriage Has a Few “Rules”

Well, maybe not rules, but guidelines, commitments, agreements? Anyway, we have agreed upon certain actions that we feel keep us close, connected, and communicating. We want to share those with you. They’re not law, but we do hold a high value on these as a priority to our marriage health. Here are all ten of them:

  1. We pray together every morning and evening. If one of us is traveling, we’ll try to call.
  2. We find one another when leaving the house, kiss and say goodbye. We find one another when returning home, kiss and greet with any necessary communication.
  3. We do not spend more than $50.00 without consulting each other on the purchase. 
  4. The money we earn is not hers or his; it is ours. 
  5. We have written a marriage mission statement and we abide by it.
  6. No yelling or name-calling is tolerated during disagreements. One guideline we maintain is to praise in public and to construct in private.
  7. Conflict must be resolved (or worked toward a resolve) in a reasonable amount of time.
  8. We take necessary time to do a face-to-face communication and catch-up daily.
  9. We share a common faith in every area of life and keep it at the center of who we are as a couple.
  10. When we said “yes” to each other, we said “no” to all others

We’re not a perfect couple by any means, but these “rules” have helped to keep us safe, secure, and connected in the nearly 51 years we have been married. The marriage relationship is built on trust, and trust is maintained through integrity in all areas of our marriage. We love our marriage and we remain committed to walk in love, forgiveness, and honesty. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Prayer, Training

Every Prayer I Have Ever Prayed: Answered

Would it surprise you if I said that God has answered every prayer I have ever prayed since I surrendered my heart to Him in 1971? I was a 17-year-old teen, brand new to faith, but enthusiastic to begin this new and exciting walk. I was being mentored by a group of teenage men who took an interest in my newfound faith. They taught me about my heavenly Father who sent His Son for my salvation, my healing, and the One who would hear and answer my prayers. 

It seemed in those early days I saw immediate answers to my prayers. It was as if God was building faith in this young heart for an exciting future. It felt like all I had to do was pull the request lever and from heaven out came the answer. 

Gradually the speed of those answers began to change because the requests became bigger and bolder. Was God holding out? Was He being slow to answer on purpose? 

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? (Luke 18:7,8)

He was still answering, but not in my time. The answers were and would come in His time. Fifty-five years have passed since I first came to know Him, trusted Him, and made Him Lord of my life. I can truthfully and confidently claim that He has answered every one of my prayers. 

So many of those answered prayers have been “yes, wait, maybe, or no,” but all are answered. All my petitions have been heard and recorded. Each one categorized, filed, and acted upon. In my maturation process I have learned that the best timing for answered prayer is His timing, not mine. I have learned that every request is already provided for. I have discovered that He desires those answers even more than I do. 

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

How Good Are You in Bed?

Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom. 

Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?

Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance. 

Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)

Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.

God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.

But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, History, In the news, Issues of the Day, Politics, Training

Why Is Mainstream Media So Biased?

Walter Cronkrite was the most trusted name in television news for several decades. I can still remember seeing his evening news broadcast on our black and white TV. At that time, the networks had standards to follow. Those standards were given to them by the Federal Communication Commission. If those strict standards were not followed, there was a very present fear of losing one’s broadcasting license. 

Slowly, with 24/7 news coverage like CNN and FNC, TV news started to become profitable. At one time, the news was driven by standards of truth. Soon, with multiple FCC changes and lower standards, the news would become driven by advertisers and Nielsen ratings.  News broadcaster Ted Koppel once said, “News organizations went from delivering the news you need, even if you don’t want it, to the news you want even if you don’t need it.”

In 1949 the Fairness Doctrine was created to keep news broadcasters from advocating from only one position. Yes, both positions had to be shared according to the Fairness Doctrine. In other words, any news shared must be balanced by the opposing views and voices.

On August 4, 1987, the commission voted to repeal the Fairness Doctrine and ever since we have had to endure partisan media. So much of the news media has lost its way and has forgotten why they even exist. They no longer serve the public with fair and balanced truth; they serve the public with one-sided opinion. Now we have both underreported and overreported broadcasts in which the truth means little. 

Proverbs 12:22 – Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are his delight.

Proverbs 14:15 – The simple believes every word, but the prudent considers well his steps.

I Thessalonians 5:21 – But test everything; hold fast to what is good.

Now you know the rest of the story… I am so thankful there is a truth to hold onto. Jesus prayed:

Sanctify them in your truth; your word is truth. (John 17:17)

Standard
Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

 Is Polygamy Encouraged in the Bible?

If you’ve read your Bible at all, you have noticed something called polygamy or multiple spouses. Have you ever wondered, like me, why that rarely seems to also include multiple husbands -polyandry? Maybe that’s a rabbit trail.

Was polygamy simply cultural? Was it expected among God’s children? Was it regulated? After all, King Solomon had 700 wives, not to mention concubines.

What follows are scriptural answers to this question (if it ever comes up with your zealous neighbors, family members or workmates:).

  • God’s word never hides things as it gives the raw truth of both the positive and the negative. I do not see the OT scriptures endorsing polygamy, but from the beginning (a creation act of God) revealed that marriage was between one man and one woman. (Genesis 2:4) God commanded kings to not marry multiple wives. (Deuteronomy 17:17) It was not endorsed by God or His scripture, but rather a hardness of man’s own heart and perhaps more of a cultural concession. Monogamy is God’s command from creation for the marriage union.
  • God gave Adam one wife.
  • The overall result of polygamy in Israel was rivalry (e.g., Sarah and Hagar), dysfunction, and a drawing away from God toward foreign idols. See I Kings 11:3, 4.
  • In citing OT scriptures to justify polygamy, one must ignore the NT, Jesus’ words, and literally say that the OT overrides the NT definition of marriage as monogamous. 
  • Monogamy was Jesus’ prescription for marriage as well. See Matthew 19:4-6.
  • Paul told us that leaders/elders are to be the faithful husband of one wife. (Titus 1:6; I Tim 3:2)
  • Marriage reflects Christ and His bride, a relationship with one bride. (Ephesians 5:31, 32)

Practically in a counseling format

  • The practice of polygamy is illegal in the United States.
  • To marry another is to break covenant with your first wife.
  • To marry another is to disregard and disobey your wedding vows.
  • To marry a second wife is to say to your present wife, “You are not enough.”
  • You are removing your wife’s security in marriage oneness from her.
  • You are bringing/inviting a spirit of confusion and dysfunction into your marriage and to your children.

So, the next time the subject of polygamy comes up, or you see some weird advertisement for another senseless “reality” show, you’ll have some biblical responses to counteract the lies with.

Rejoice in the wife of your youth… (Proverbs 5:18)

Standard