Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Demanding Change from Our Spouse

Can you demand change of your marriage partner if the issue is not a sin? 

One of you flies by the seat of your pants and the other takes their time in a methodical manner. One of you stays up late watching TV and the other is in bed reading. One of you needs the details and the other wants the bottom line. 

In our premarital material, we ask couples before marriage how they are different. They actually have to record those differences. It’s funny to see how those differences play out when we get together for our postmarital sessions. Often the differences grow in number. 

These dissimilarities, small and large, can cause frustrations and underlying tensions that build over time in our marriage. But should they? And what would God have to say about these differences that are not sin-related?

Proverbs 19:11 states, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” And Proverbs 10:12 reminds us that love covers over wrongs. 

Demanding change from our spouse is tricky because we must decide whether this is something we can overlook, is it something that love can cover;,or is it sin? If it’s not sin, one can request change but not demand change. 

What’s the secret? Coming to terms with those differences is the place to start. Accepting that we each bring a unique piece to the marriage and both pieces are necessary. Becoming frustrated is my problem and I must own it. Stop insisting on change; you’ll be miserable. Ask God for the necessary change in your life and in your mate’s life (James 4:1- 3). Finally, realize that some things will not change.

One final and favorite scripture that speaks to relationships and change is Romans 15:7: 

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Women

Need a Sabbatical?

Recently I was requested by a local church to speak about sabbaticals. Why should we have them or not have them? Some churches have instituted them and some avoid them like a disease. Why are there such different beliefs about sabbaticals? 

When I first began to study sabbaticals and talk to leaders about them, I seemed to receive two opposing responses: 1. We don’t need them. We’re to work six days and then rest on one. Take your vacation and your day off and you’ll be fine. 2. I know what burnout is and apparently God knew the potential as well. He created the weekly sabbath and the 7-year break; it must be important to Him. 

Who’s correct? Well, both in different ways. Yes, take your day off and yes, take your vacations; keep your work, rest, play, worship in balance and you’ll be fine. The problem is most ministry leaders do not incorporate this level of balance in their life. In fact, MarketWatch reports that 51% of those who earn annual vacations don’t even take them. To those who have taken a sabbatical, they are convinced this is a plan from God for mankind. 

Busyness is not necessarily godliness. Busyness can rob us of what is truly important: relationship with God and man. We can be so busy that we become disconnected. The most valuable resource you have is time. Don’t waste it!

Sabbaticals are not for those who are totally burned out; they need intervention. Sabbaticals are an offensive tool designed to provide a time out. We see the concept of a time out on the athletic field; why not in the ministry field? Why do churches allow their leaders to burn out trying to heal everyone? It’s an old mentality that says, “Get all we can from them because we hired them to take care of us.” That is a “hireling” mentality.

We are not called to be hirelings, but rather equippers of the saints. Ephesians 4:12-13 reveals we are to prepare God’s people for the work of service to the body of Christ to become mature. We teach, we train, we counsel to bring those we serve to maturity so they can go and do likewise. 

Before you push back and tell me the sabbath is an Old Testament principle only, let me remind you that Jesus also discussed the sabbath. He said in Mark 2 that the sabbath was made for man, not man made for the sabbath and then He said that He was Lord of the sabbath. The sabbath is no longer a burden of rules and regulations, but rather rest, refreshment, and a blessing for mankind. Jesus said, we were to come to Him in our weariness because His burden is light and He’ll give us rest. (See Matthew 11:28-30.) 

He’ll give us rest. I love that reminder! 

Would you like to read a book on taking a sabbatical. Here is one I would recommend. :)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

Are You Comparing Your Spouse?

Have you ever hung out with a group of women or men who boisterously share about the amazing things their spouse does for them? And then you think, “I wish my husband/wife would do that for me.” It’s difficult to hear a friend bragging about something you would desire from your spouse. That’s called comparison. 

It doesn’t really matter what your comparing: spouses, cars, jobs, your kids school grades, or the home you live in. All comparison is, the Bible says, unwise and not showing good sense. We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another, and compare themselves with one another, they do not show good sense. (I Corinthians 10:12 RSV)

How is it unwise? When we compare ourselves there are only two outcomes: pride (we’re better) or insignificance (we’re not measuring up). Neither of these conclusions are good for the human soul. 

If your husband doesn’t know the difference between a wrench and a socket but your neighbor can fix anything, does it bother you? Does his wife bake fresh bread, and your spouse only knows how to run to the bake shop to purchase bread? That stab of jealousy about what your neighbor can do, and your spouse cannot, sets you up for disappointment and the loss of thankfulness for your spouse. 

No one has a perfect partner because none of us are perfect. Comparison will blind you from seeing what and who your spouse is and, at the same time, steal your thankfulness for the partner God gave you!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Singles, Women

Are You Married to a Faithful Man?

Faithfulness can be a bit subjective I suppose, but the book of Proverbs points us to a “faithful man.” 

The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,
    but a man of understanding draws them out.

 Many a man claims to have unfailing love,
    but a faithful man who can find?

The righteous man leads a blameless life;
    blessed are his children after him. (Proverbs 20:5-7 NIV)

Men are different from woman. They think differently, feel differently, process differently, and even communicate differently. Men’s priorities are often different from a woman’s. Men’s friends are less judgmental and critical, taking one another at face value. Men love solutions and fixing things, even their wife’s problems. Men often have a backup plan. A man sees work differently than his wife, provision differently, rest differently, and play differently. Men like to conquer, have purpose in their day, and bring resolve through a male-oriented solution.

I am not saying women are none of these things, I am simply trying to help define some of the God-given differences that we need in our relationships. It is why women need men and men need women; they provide the different sides of God to one other. 

Men may define “faithful” differently than women. Men are faithful when they provide for their family. Men are faithful when they work overtime for a few extra dollars. Men are faithful when they put together that swing set in the back yard. Men are faithful when they change the oil in their car. You get the idea? Men see faithfulness in doing, not just in being. Further:

Faithful men do not lack purpose. Men without purpose get into trouble. 

Faithful men do not invest romantic energy outside of their marriage.

Faithful men have their wife as their confidant, not same sex friendships.

Faithful men do not engage in secret habits.

Faithful men are dependable and true to their word.

Faithful men protect their most important relationships with boundaries.

Faithful men act in love and are present, active in the lives of their children.

If your faithful man falls into any of these categories then thank him, affirm him, and be grateful. If he is missing the mark in any area of faithfulness then pray for him, believe in him, and trust him to grow as his Father works in those areas.

“…a faithful man who can find?” God can.

“…righteous men lead a blameless life, blessed are his children after him.” Faithful men are leaving a legacy of blessing to their children.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Women

 New Seasons; New Opportunities

When God began speaking to me about “semi-retirement” I questioned His timing, until He showed me this verse found in II Samuel 5:

David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years. (v. 4)

I would turn 70 in several years, just as King David. While that timing is different for everyone, I knew it wasn’t quitting time, but rather time to raise up the next generation and to open seats at multiple leadership tables. And then these verses spoke to me specifically about this new season I would enter:

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.(Psalm 71:17-18) 

William Vanderbloemen in his book, Next, states that from the day we take a new position we should be looking for our successor. For me, it wasn’t until we began the succession process for our international director.

While my life has been dedicated to teaching, helping and multiplying myself to others, it hasn’t been my first priority to think about my replacements. When you’re young the thought is, you’ll live forever and when you’re older, you’ll minister long term.. Why? Because the work we do is never finished and we’re never too old to do it. 

One morning in my devotional time I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. This is the chapter where Solomon writes about a time for everything. Having read these verses many times, God was placing a new emphasis upon them. Reading them a second time, I sensed God asked me to count them as “seasons.” There are 28. This reflection caused me to think about which season I was in and which season I was entering. 

How about you? Do you know the season you now live in? Do you know and embrace the next season God is preparing you for? God has new wine and fresh oil for you and it’s available to everyone of us!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Is Your Marriage a Sacred Gift?

Marriage is a gift, not from government, not from culture, not from the church, but directly from God. Marriage is not wholly Christian, as religions all over the world practice marriage. Marriage is a creation act of God. 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24)” That’s it. That’s where it all started in Genesis, the book of beginnings. 

Marriage is sacred. A woman is a gift to a man from God. A man is a gift to a woman from God. It is the only way to understand this institution that our heavenly Father gave to mankind. From this gift, He would enable us to enter into creation ourselves and produce offspring. And that offspring will one day marry and have a family of their own. It is how families grow. It is how cultures grow. It is the backbone of our societies. There is no other design so true and so real.

Marriage is so important that the enemy of our souls has feverously worked to destroy and to counterfeit it. He has handed us separation to see if we should divorce to end it. He has handed us disagreement to bring continual conflict. The enemy has proposed extramarital affairs to break our vows. He has handed to many addictions and to others emotional instability. Still others can succumb to financial issues. The list goes on and it is all meant to destroy a union, a family.

When the destruction of a marriage occurs, there is loss…pain-filled loss. There is the loss of love, the loss of finances, the loss of possessions, the loss of family and friends. The children suffer loss. The parents of the couple suffer loss. Even the family pets have no idea where they’ll end up. 

There are reasons for divorce, but it is a last resort, not the first one. There are reasons for separation, but the goal is not divorce; it is either safety or finding healing and ways to try again. Every marriage is worth fighting for because every life is redeemable and every child needs an intact family. 

Marriage is sacred; two have become one. It is “until death do us part.” Fight for yours. Don’t become lethargic in your marriage. Date your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Plan a Valentine’s get-away weekend. Attend a marriage seminar. Do not listen to the enemy’s voice.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

Therefore they are no longer two, but one flesh…what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6).

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Singles, Training, Women

 New Seasons; Next Generations

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.(Psalm 71:17-18) 

While my life has been dedicated to writing, teaching, counseling and multiplying myself with others, speaking into the next generation has been one of my greatest joys. Because it is the next generation(s) that will carry on what you and I have begun. 

When we’re young often the thought is, we will live forever and when we’re older, we will minister until our final day on earth. Why? Because the work of the kingdom of God that we pursue is never finished and we’re never too old to participate in it.

One morning in my devotional time I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. This is the chapter where Solomon writes about a time for everything. Having read these verses many times, I found the Lord placing a new emphasis upon them. Reading those verses a second time, I sensed God asked me to count them as “seasons.” There are 28. This thought caused me to reflect upon what season I was in and what season I might be entering. 

If you’re like me, we often believe that while we’re in a certain season, we’ll remain there for years to come. But rarely is that true. Ministries change. Jobs change. Relationships change. Children grow up. If there are 28 seasons to life, what season are you presently in? What seasons have you enjoyed from the past and what seasons do you look forward to?

Are you embracing the season you now live in as from your Father? Will you embrace the next season God is preparing you for? God has new seasons ahead for each of us. Embrace them, grow through them, and complete each season faithfully. And remember, there are those who are following, watching, looking up to you, and will eventually take your place.

…We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done…so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. (Psalm 78:4, 6)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Women

Passing

The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the oxygen machine. Holding her hand, I receive a semi-opened eye of pure love. She says a word or two occasionally. The best of late were, “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

My mother is 96 years old and has been the Eveready Bunny most of my life. She could work circles around anyone. Lying in a bed in a hospice unit must be extremely difficult and tormenting to her normally active self. And for the number of years under her belt, she can recall most anything. Her mind has stayed uncannily sharp.

Even while in assisted living, a place my wife and I jokingly refer to as “unassisted living,” she caught five med errors. That’s something to boast about at her age!

With my father preceding her to heaven, one feels the oncoming loss of both parents. But these last days are not about me as a son; they’re about caring for a mother who loved me, fought for me, and lovingly raised me. She was protective, but not overly protective. She corrected me but never overcorrected. Most times, as a misbehaving son I could make her laugh and then she’d forget about why she was disciplining me. I’d quickly be off the hook.

Laughing came easy to her, but she did not tolerate what she called “stupid humor.” The movie Elf was in that category for her. One of her nurses also falls within that category and she just rolls her eyes at her. Honestly, I’d have to agree with her on that one. 

Last night we prayed and I released my mother to her heavenly home. It was sweet, but without response from her. I know she agreed. Billy Graham once said there are two days in a person’s life that they do not control–the day they are born and the day they die. Everything in between is a choice. My mother made good choices during those in-between years. 

How does one say goodbye? When the one passing is a lover of Jesus you do not; you say, “See you later.” It is that hope we hold as Christians. The reason? Jesus did not stay in the grave. After the third day He arose from that tomb the enemy thought would hold Him, while the Romans believing no one could roll a huge stone away. He gloriously became the resurrection and the life.

I love how Matthew describes the scene at the tomb Sunday morning. He writes, “The angel went to the tomb and rolled the stone away from the entrance. Then he sat on top of the stone.” (28:2-5) That was one tough and totally cool angel! He sat on top of the stone waiting for the first arrivals to the empty grave.

End of life with our parents is not an easy time, but it can be a good time when our relationship is whole and full of love. If you’re out of relationship with a loved one, do all you know to do to make it right, forgive, and humble yourself. You only get one set of parents in this life and none of them are perfect, not even you. 

My mother is still with us this Easter, but unfortunately, she won’t be able to join the rest of us around our celebration table. We’ll miss her at the meal, but then we’ll gather around her bed celebrating her life until she enters her eternal home.  Meanwhile, she is holding onto a soft bear companion that my granddaughter is sharing with her.

I love you, Mom! One of these days we’ll be saying, “See you later” and it will be okay.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Small Groups, Women

Building Trust

It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true. 

All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.

I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely. 

What helps us build trust? Consider the following:

  • Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
  • Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
  • Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted. 

How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?

We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen. 

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
    but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

The integrity of the upright guides them,
    but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)

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