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Identifying Healthy Sons and Daughters of Faith

Building leadership in others has been a long-term goal of mine. It is the only effective way of multiplying ourselves and growing future generations of leaders that hold to similar values. Like values does not necessarily denote like methods, but they do hold to similar core beliefs.

Thinking through the process, certain aspects come to mind. I have experienced those who truly desire to be sons and daughters by not only words, but actions and I have experienced those who say they want to be trained or accountable, but their actions did not line up with their request. So, how do you know when someone is serious about becoming a leader in training? How do you recognize those persons who are serious about following you and observing your leadership? Here are a few guidelines that will help you in your discernment:

Identifying Sons and Daughters:  

  • Those who are willing to be corrected.
  • Those who are willing to be disciplined.
  • Those who are willing to stick it out and not “run away” prematurely, especially as time progresses.
  • Those who understand and absorb the vision and are in alignment with that vision.
  • Those who agree with your core beliefs.
  • Those who hold the same or similar values.
  • Those who hear and/or know your heart. They know who you are, similar to Jesus’ question of His disciples, “Who do men say that I am?”
  • They know they are not your peer and therefore do not compete, or if a peer they understand your fatherhood position in their life.
  • They know you have the “words of life,” but at the same time there is no unhealthy control taking place in the relationship.
  • They are accountable.
  • They are open to your questions and they ask lots of questions.
  • A son/daughter realizes a father’s/a mother’s love enough to know you have their best interest in mind.
  • They trust your judgement, but not blindly.
  • They are not without opinion and conviction but walk in humility and submission.
  • They are free to disagree, respond or react with emotion, while maintaining a position and ongoing posture of respect.
  • Sons and daughters find ways to acknowledge, show appreciation, express gratitude, and honor spiritual mothers and fathers.

Perhaps these observations are not all inclusive, but you get the idea. Just as we walk in submission to our heavenly Father, we are His sons and daughters. 

“‘I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters,’ says the Lord Almighty.” (II Corinthians 6:18)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Some In-depth Questions Creating a Deeper Dialogue with Your Spouse

I love to ask my wife questions on a date or riding in the car. You have a captive audience and time to process. Not the usual, “How are you doing?” or “Where are we at with our finances?” These are questions that require some time and deeper thought. Questions that provoke a looking back or ahead, at the very least, a more meaningful conversation. 

Here are a few examples:

  • If you could change one thing from our history, what would it be?
  • What has been an unexpected, but good surprise in our relationship? 
  • What slight adjustment might make a big improvement in our marriage?
  • What would growing our love for one another look like to you?
  • What season of our marriage are you glad is over? What season would you love to repeat?
  • In what ways has growing older together strengthened us?
  • Share something that you have learned from me that caused growth in you.
  • If our relationship were to grow spiritually, what would that look like to you?
  • If we could have a dream realized in our future, what would that dream be?

As you hear each other’s responses, try not to jump to any negative conclusion or to assume something is wrong with you or your marriage. Allow time for healthy disussion and then take a minute to pray over your answer. You will touch something important in your relationship and at the same time increase your emotional connection.

And here’s a bonus: I know my love has grown for you because _____________.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Sanctuary of Marriage

Marriage was not some culture’s good idea or the government’s; it was God’s idea. God created this thing we call holy matrimony. From the beginning He said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

If God gives us a gift, it is astounding, inexpressibly perfect and sanctified. Marriage is a generous and holy gift from God. Marriage is a sanctuary of God’s goodness to you and to me. Nothing else in life can match it. It produces family, another gift from God and the backbone of every culture on earth. It produces love and at the same time it produces a mirror to show us ourselves. 

Daily we come face to face with our selfishness, our lack of humility, our need for control, and our uncontrolled emotions. And that’s why marriage helps to sanctify and purify our hearts. It is a process of maturation and it highlights the real us!

At the same time, it’s a safe place. When love is at the center of this union judgment is not, critical spirits are not, and mean-spirited words diminish. Marriage is a place of growth because iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). Marriage is a place of no secrets and nothing hidden so that truth and honesty become our integral position of oneness. 

Change is challenging, but when God is at the center and our mate is praying with us and supporting us in that change, we find comfort. Marriage is transformational to our lives, our families and our futures. Most persons in our lives will not be truthful enough to confront our self-righteousness, but God gave us a spouse to reflect His truth, His love and His healing. 

Marriage helps us to admit we are wrong and that we need forgiveness. Marriage teaches us kindness, patience, gentleness and how to love sacrificially. It provokes a servant’s heart and forces communication to resolve issues. Marriage is a sanctifier that God uses to make us more like Him.

Marriage is a daily opportunity to become more like the Creator of marriage, but it’s our decision to take up that challenge!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Singles, Women

Playing God by Not Forgiving

Have you ever wondered why forgiveness comes easy when bumping into a stranger and far more difficult when needing to respond to a close relationship? Here’s why: You have far more invested in a close relationship than with a stranger.

When hurt by someone you’re close to or maybe even love, you can become significantly angrier, bent out of shape, defensive, and even prideful. When we refuse to forgive, the anger remains as does the broken relationship. We can fake it for only so long and then things begin to break down. We stop communicating or we simply “unfriend” them. When we withhold forgiveness what are we doing?

We are voicing our objections. We are saying the hurt is bigger than the need for reconciliation. We are saying that even though God can forgive, we cannot, making the cross insufficient for this situation. We are literally saying that the price Christ made for our forgiveness was not enough for our hurt.

When this happens, we are in violation of the scripture. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Does this person deserve your forgiveness? Maybe not, but there is a higher law at stake and it’s higher than your feelings. Feelings should not rule our heart–truth should. 

Forgive as you have been forgiven. Don’t let pride get in your way. Your inner peace and your own forgiveness is at stake.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

How Do You Define Your Spouse?

My wife and I recently completed another six sessions of premarital counseling with a couple. They’re excited about their future. They have a gleam in their eyes. They are full of anticipation for what’s ahead. And there’s one other special thing we notice frequently. 

This couple tends to define each other with passionate praise. For example, “He’s so observant of my needs.” Or “She compliments me often.” We admire this trait and encourage it.

Meeting with couples in counseling or at marriage seminars we lead, we notice those expressions or definitions seem to change. After some marriage years under their belts, we hear things like, “I have to pick up after him all the time,” or “He doesn’t do this…” The men use language like, “Where did those compliments go?” or “I just wish she would appreciate me for who I am and not who she thinks I should be.”

Where did those attractions, compliments, and praises go? Why does the focus seem to change once we’re married? Are we called to the construction crew of marriage or the destruction crew? Yes, we have faults, idiosyncrasies, unhelpful habits, but we are also maturing, growing, learning about ourselves, and becoming who God calls us to become. This process is lifelong, not immediate.

Perhaps we could begin to pray for our mate while they are in this process. Perhaps we could be reminded that we are also in that same process of change and maturation. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, desired, and anticipated. (Hebrews 11:1) By faith we see our mate as God sees them. By faith we ask our heavenly Father to see our love, appreciation, and praise increase toward our life mate. 

By faith focus more on what we can do and say rather than allowing our minds to be consumed with what we’re not seeing in our spouse. 

Discover that praise motivates far more than criticism.

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Politics, Training

Presidents of the U.S. in Your Lifetime

Recently I was in Chicago working and my hosts took me to see the Obama Center. It is quite the elaborate structure and grounds. As we were leaving, I was thinking to myself, “Did this president accomplish what God had assigned for him during his presidency?” 

That question comes from the scripture we find in Romans 13. “…For there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgement on themselves.” (Romans 13:1-2)

God has a plan, a purpose for that authority whether you like them or not. He asked us to honor that authority; to not rebel against them or we will bring judgment against ourselves. He did not consider our feelings in the matter. 

Further, He asks us to pray for the authorities in our lives. I Timothy 2:1-2 urges us to pray for all authority in order to live a peacful and godly life.

Then this thought/question came to me, “Have you (Steve) obeyed and accomplished that which I (God) have assigned to you in your authority? Are you reflecting my will and purpose for your life to others?” 

There is a single goal in life that we can adhere to: Love and obey the voice of your Father in the short time you have here on this earth. (Matthew 22:37-40)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Women

Your Marriage Connection After a Long and Exhausting Day

It’s been a long and grueling workday for him. So many expectations from the boss and those workmates. Some days are way too long even though they’re all nine hours plus a commute. The final straw was the traffic encountered on the drive home and the red lights; why so many red lights?

She’s been wrestling with three toddlers all day long. Could the day become any longer, especially when the youngest simply refused nap time and now can not stop fussing? The young mom can’t wait for “relief” to come through the door. Perhaps then she’ll find the time to get the wash done and clean up the kitchen while at the same time thinking about dinner for everyone.

When she hears the garage door go up, who or what will she see coming through the back door. When he arrives home, that place of solace, will he find peace? Both of you are exhausted and both of you are looking for a breather. The two of you are expecting a hug, a listening ear or maybe even a kiss. You both could use a break, but instead you find a drained life mate simply wanting to lay on the couch and catch their breath.

Rather than being the person everyone would love to come home to, you find yourselves arguing once again. And it’s always over the smallest, most insignificant stuff. What is wrong with us?

You have forgotten how to ready yourself for one another. You have lost that spirit of anticipation. You have allowed yourself and your problems to become bigger than the two of you. Rather than thinking about the love of your life returning home, you’re thinking about how many times you’ve been spit up on and how many messes you have cleaned up through the day. His head is still at work rehearsing the demands of his job and how will he get through another day before the weekend break.

Can you recall when you were engaged and getting ready for a date night? The anticipation was building by the moment. There was no distraction that was going to keep you from one another’s arms. The stuff of life did not get in the way of the two of you. You worked on looking your best, thinking your best, and being your best. Where did all that go and who says it has to leave?

The two of you can get it back. Work at anticipating and being the person your spouse desires, no, longs to come home to. Rather than the typical argument of who is the most tired or how long your day was, be the one who drops as much as possible in order to greet your spouse with a kiss, a facial expression of “I missed you,” and an embrace of “It’s good to have you home!” 

As you work together through the evening, be sure to save time for yourselves. Find an hour to talk and to pray through your day. Create some “us” time so you can hear each other’s heart. Be good to one another and anticipate a daily time of connecting.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Training, Women

Does Time Heal?

We often hear the phrase, “Time heals,” but does it? The short answer is “no” it does not. Time in and of itself provides no healing, only distance and/or separation. It gives us a distance between the hurt and our healing from the hurt. Time separates us from the actual incident, but it’s up to us to use that time for seeking personal healing. 

Time allows us to seek forgiveness from the one we hurt or to offer forgiveness to the one who hurt us. Perhaps the depth of the hurt relates to how much time it takes for us to face our emotions or better said, our reactions to our thoughts about the incident. Time allows the intensity of the situation to subside a bit while it gives us a reprieve to think more clearly and to respond more accurately.  Time also creates space for acceptance.

James 1:19 reminds us to be “…slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to become angry.” It’s an easy verse to read, but a difficult one to walk out, especially when you’re nursing a hurt. 

Let’s be honest. We’re not hurt by things or stuff; we’re hurt by people. The closer we are to someone the greater the hurt can be. That’s why family wounds can hurt the most and also why we can carry them the longest. 

Here is some really good news when it comes to carrying hurts:

Our heavenly Father is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He heals our hearts and He binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). Jesus told us that blessed are those who mourn, they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Our Marriage Has a Few “Rules”

Well, maybe not rules, but guidelines, commitments, agreements? Anyway, we have agreed upon certain actions that we feel keep us close, connected, and communicating. We want to share those with you. They’re not law, but we do hold a high value on these as a priority to our marriage health. Here are all ten of them:

  1. We pray together every morning and evening. If one of us is traveling, we’ll try to call.
  2. We find one another when leaving the house, kiss and say goodbye. We find one another when returning home, kiss and greet with any necessary communication.
  3. We do not spend more than $50.00 without consulting each other on the purchase. 
  4. The money we earn is not hers or his; it is ours. 
  5. We have written a marriage mission statement and we abide by it.
  6. No yelling or name-calling is tolerated during disagreements. One guideline we maintain is to praise in public and to construct in private.
  7. Conflict must be resolved (or worked toward a resolve) in a reasonable amount of time.
  8. We take necessary time to do a face-to-face communication and catch-up daily.
  9. We share a common faith in every area of life and keep it at the center of who we are as a couple.
  10. When we said “yes” to each other, we said “no” to all others

We’re not a perfect couple by any means, but these “rules” have helped to keep us safe, secure, and connected in the nearly 51 years we have been married. The marriage relationship is built on trust, and trust is maintained through integrity in all areas of our marriage. We love our marriage and we remain committed to walk in love, forgiveness, and honesty. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Prayer, Training

Every Prayer I Have Ever Prayed: Answered

Would it surprise you if I said that God has answered every prayer I have ever prayed since I surrendered my heart to Him in 1971? I was a 17-year-old teen, brand new to faith, but enthusiastic to begin this new and exciting walk. I was being mentored by a group of teenage men who took an interest in my newfound faith. They taught me about my heavenly Father who sent His Son for my salvation, my healing, and the One who would hear and answer my prayers. 

It seemed in those early days I saw immediate answers to my prayers. It was as if God was building faith in this young heart for an exciting future. It felt like all I had to do was pull the request lever and from heaven out came the answer. 

Gradually the speed of those answers began to change because the requests became bigger and bolder. Was God holding out? Was He being slow to answer on purpose? 

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? (Luke 18:7,8)

He was still answering, but not in my time. The answers were and would come in His time. Fifty-five years have passed since I first came to know Him, trusted Him, and made Him Lord of my life. I can truthfully and confidently claim that He has answered every one of my prayers. 

So many of those answered prayers have been “yes, wait, maybe, or no,” but all are answered. All my petitions have been heard and recorded. Each one categorized, filed, and acted upon. In my maturation process I have learned that the best timing for answered prayer is His timing, not mine. I have learned that every request is already provided for. I have discovered that He desires those answers even more than I do. 

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

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