Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Secrets Have Consequences in Marriage: Confess

Secrets among marriage partners can be devastating. Secrets also have a way of surfacing at just the wrong time and place. 

I was in a meeting some years ago when a husband confessed to an affair in front of others who really did not have a need to know his secret. The wife was embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, completely taken off guard and noticeably angry, but what was she going to say in front of the others? Apparently, her husband thought it to be a safe place in which her response had to be navigated carefully. She was wounded in more ways than one. 

When our spouse approaches us cautiously and says the words, “I have a confession to make” you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be difficult to hear. While confession is important, so is the timing of it. Confession in marriage is necessary and important because we continue to deal with our fallen natures and we make plenty of mistakes. But the timing of those confessions and the word choice used is of utmost importance.

Our confession might already be harmful, so there is no need to compound it with an inopportune time and place. When you do confess, add a full disclosure with complete honesty. Be sure to ask for forgiveness as you apologize and NEVER excuse your behavior. It is not, “I’m sorry, but if you…” When we take full responsibility for our behavior and tell the truth we just might keep trust in the relationship. When we make excuses for our behavior or lie about it, we will most assuredly do damage to the trust we have built. 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

Standard
Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Small Groups, Women

Listening is a Skill

We pay counselors $150.00 an hour to listen to us: more accurately, you receive 50 minutes. High schools and colleges offer “public speaking” courses. Have you ever been told about or offered a “public listening course?” I haven’t. But listening is a skill and it’s one taught in any counseling program. 

Listening to someone is honoring. It says they are important enough to be listened to. It relates care and concern; and it shares value to the one being listened to. Listening is an expertise learned as one matures in their communication skills.

We all desire to talk and be heard, but marriage is an exercise in listening. We need to really hear what our spouse is communicating, and sometimes not just the words. Communication is first and foremost body language, then tone of voice and finally content. 

The Bible has a lot to say about listening. For example:

“Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand.’” (Matthew 15:10)

“Therefore, consider carefully how you listen.” (Luke 8:18a)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) 

Are you developing your listening skills? If so, your spouse and your children will appreciate it. Your boss at work or your customers will feel like you care. Your Father in heaven wants to speak with you as well. 

We must stop talking long enough to listen.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

How Married are You?

Are you married 50, 60, or 75 percent? Or are you married 100 percent? Would you give your wife free access to your wallet? Wives, would you allow your husband to rummage through your purse?

Do you walk in 100% of trust with each other? Are there questions about total honesty in your marriage? When we have secrets in marriage, our journey of oneness is challenged. When there are secrets present, intimacy in marriage can go only so far. Secrets inhibit closeness and when closeness is inhibited our marriage will be affected by the loss of honesty and truth telling.

When we coverup, lie, or withhold truth in our marriage because we feel shame or we’re embarrassed, we will impair the intimacy we seek. The more we withhold from our spouse, the more disconnected we become. If we find ourselves using phrases like, “If my wife knew about this, she’d kill me” or “Don’t tell my husband what I am about to tell you,” we are damaging what God desires to build in our marriages and we harm the very reasons we are one.

Choose truth and become totally married–fully one! There is no room in marriage for deception or coverup. Go for broke to create a new level of forthrightness and openness while choosing to be fully honest with one another. The dividends are worth the pain and the humility it takes to be married 100 percent.

Standard
Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

The Number One Way to Provide Security to Your Children

Many of us grew up in homes that lacked parenting skills, lacked financial resources, or lacked spiritual input. Perhaps our parents did a lot of things that were wrong or mistake-filled in their parenting, but if they incorporated this one thing, this one key ingredient, security would be present in their children’s lives. 

First, let’s consider what is not that ingredient. It is not a new phone, the latest hair style, attending every sports game, providing a college education, amazing family vacations to exotic places, or more stuff. Nope. Kids need something far more than parents can purchase or even save toward.

Parents who love, honor, serve, cherish, are affectionate, and kind with one another will bring the first and foremost form of security to their children. Yes, they’ll say “yuck” when they see you hug or kiss and yes, they’ll push back when you go on a date together, but as they watch and observe their parents loving each other, they will sigh a huge relief and inwardly know that their home is safe and secure.

Loving our spouse freely and openly also brings happiness to our in-laws, our parents, our neighbors and our co-workers. We will be an anomaly among our peers and create a positive, perhaps a motivational jealousy. When others hear you honoring your spouse, it puts a smile on their face and hope in their heart that marriage can work. 

More stuff in a child’s life brings short term gratification, but the most security is generated when mom and dad love them and one another.  

Standard
Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Just for fun, Politics

He Whistles

As a kid I noticed someone stick two fingers in their mouth, blow, and out came the loudest whistle I ever heard. I immediately knew I had to gain that skill! For months I tried and tried while the only accomplishment was a lot of slobber all over myself. 

One day while goofing around and continuing to practice my whistle attempt, the slightest screech emerged. Continuing to practice, finally that same loud whistle emerged. 

I had no idea how handy that whistle would become in my future. When at the ocean my three small children knew it was either lunch time or time to depart when they heard the whistle. At home while my children were playing in the woods beside our home, that whistle would beckon them to return. At sporting events my cheer was the whistle, and they knew their dad was watching them.

Today that whistle still comes in handy. My grandson recently told me, “Papaw, I knew you were watching me when I heard your whistle.” Recently, while another grandson was playing baseball, his teammates kept asking me to whistle for them. It’s a noticeable cheer, an affirmation, and a distinct response. Who knew that tenacious effort would one day serve my family well. 

While reading in the book of Isaiah, I came across something that surprised me. Isaiah declared that God whistles. He wrote, “He lifts up a banner for the distant nations, he whistles for those at the ends of the earth. Here they come, swiftly and speedily.” (Isaiah 5:26) He, God, whistles for you and I to come swiftly. 

Can you hear your Father’s whistle?

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Demanding Change from Our Spouse

Can you demand change of your marriage partner if the issue is not a sin? 

One of you flies by the seat of your pants and the other takes their time in a methodical manner. One of you stays up late watching TV and the other is in bed reading. One of you needs the details and the other wants the bottom line. 

In our premarital material, we ask couples before marriage how they are different. They actually have to record those differences. It’s funny to see how those differences play out when we get together for our postmarital sessions. Often the differences grow in number. 

These dissimilarities, small and large, can cause frustrations and underlying tensions that build over time in our marriage. But should they? And what would God have to say about these differences that are not sin-related?

Proverbs 19:11 states, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” And Proverbs 10:12 reminds us that love covers over wrongs. 

Demanding change from our spouse is tricky because we must decide whether this is something we can overlook, is it something that love can cover;,or is it sin? If it’s not sin, one can request change but not demand change. 

What’s the secret? Coming to terms with those differences is the place to start. Accepting that we each bring a unique piece to the marriage and both pieces are necessary. Becoming frustrated is my problem and I must own it. Stop insisting on change; you’ll be miserable. Ask God for the necessary change in your life and in your mate’s life (James 4:1- 3). Finally, realize that some things will not change.

One final and favorite scripture that speaks to relationships and change is Romans 15:7: 

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Women

Need a Sabbatical?

Recently I was requested by a local church to speak about sabbaticals. Why should we have them or not have them? Some churches have instituted them and some avoid them like a disease. Why are there such different beliefs about sabbaticals? 

When I first began to study sabbaticals and talk to leaders about them, I seemed to receive two opposing responses: 1. We don’t need them. We’re to work six days and then rest on one. Take your vacation and your day off and you’ll be fine. 2. I know what burnout is and apparently God knew the potential as well. He created the weekly sabbath and the 7-year break; it must be important to Him. 

Who’s correct? Well, both in different ways. Yes, take your day off and yes, take your vacations; keep your work, rest, play, worship in balance and you’ll be fine. The problem is most ministry leaders do not incorporate this level of balance in their life. In fact, MarketWatch reports that 51% of those who earn annual vacations don’t even take them. To those who have taken a sabbatical, they are convinced this is a plan from God for mankind. 

Busyness is not necessarily godliness. Busyness can rob us of what is truly important: relationship with God and man. We can be so busy that we become disconnected. The most valuable resource you have is time. Don’t waste it!

Sabbaticals are not for those who are totally burned out; they need intervention. Sabbaticals are an offensive tool designed to provide a time out. We see the concept of a time out on the athletic field; why not in the ministry field? Why do churches allow their leaders to burn out trying to heal everyone? It’s an old mentality that says, “Get all we can from them because we hired them to take care of us.” That is a “hireling” mentality.

We are not called to be hirelings, but rather equippers of the saints. Ephesians 4:12-13 reveals we are to prepare God’s people for the work of service to the body of Christ to become mature. We teach, we train, we counsel to bring those we serve to maturity so they can go and do likewise. 

Before you push back and tell me the sabbath is an Old Testament principle only, let me remind you that Jesus also discussed the sabbath. He said in Mark 2 that the sabbath was made for man, not man made for the sabbath and then He said that He was Lord of the sabbath. The sabbath is no longer a burden of rules and regulations, but rather rest, refreshment, and a blessing for mankind. Jesus said, we were to come to Him in our weariness because His burden is light and He’ll give us rest. (See Matthew 11:28-30.) 

He’ll give us rest. I love that reminder! 

Would you like to read a book on taking a sabbatical. Here is one I would recommend. :)

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

Are You Comparing Your Spouse?

Have you ever hung out with a group of women or men who boisterously share about the amazing things their spouse does for them? And then you think, “I wish my husband/wife would do that for me.” It’s difficult to hear a friend bragging about something you would desire from your spouse. That’s called comparison. 

It doesn’t really matter what your comparing: spouses, cars, jobs, your kids school grades, or the home you live in. All comparison is, the Bible says, unwise and not showing good sense. We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another, and compare themselves with one another, they do not show good sense. (I Corinthians 10:12 RSV)

How is it unwise? When we compare ourselves there are only two outcomes: pride (we’re better) or insignificance (we’re not measuring up). Neither of these conclusions are good for the human soul. 

If your husband doesn’t know the difference between a wrench and a socket but your neighbor can fix anything, does it bother you? Does his wife bake fresh bread, and your spouse only knows how to run to the bake shop to purchase bread? That stab of jealousy about what your neighbor can do, and your spouse cannot, sets you up for disappointment and the loss of thankfulness for your spouse. 

No one has a perfect partner because none of us are perfect. Comparison will blind you from seeing what and who your spouse is and, at the same time, steal your thankfulness for the partner God gave you!

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Singles, Women

Are You Married to a Faithful Man?

Faithfulness can be a bit subjective I suppose, but the book of Proverbs points us to a “faithful man.” 

The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,
    but a man of understanding draws them out.

 Many a man claims to have unfailing love,
    but a faithful man who can find?

The righteous man leads a blameless life;
    blessed are his children after him. (Proverbs 20:5-7 NIV)

Men are different from woman. They think differently, feel differently, process differently, and even communicate differently. Men’s priorities are often different from a woman’s. Men’s friends are less judgmental and critical, taking one another at face value. Men love solutions and fixing things, even their wife’s problems. Men often have a backup plan. A man sees work differently than his wife, provision differently, rest differently, and play differently. Men like to conquer, have purpose in their day, and bring resolve through a male-oriented solution.

I am not saying women are none of these things, I am simply trying to help define some of the God-given differences that we need in our relationships. It is why women need men and men need women; they provide the different sides of God to one other. 

Men may define “faithful” differently than women. Men are faithful when they provide for their family. Men are faithful when they work overtime for a few extra dollars. Men are faithful when they put together that swing set in the back yard. Men are faithful when they change the oil in their car. You get the idea? Men see faithfulness in doing, not just in being. Further:

Faithful men do not lack purpose. Men without purpose get into trouble. 

Faithful men do not invest romantic energy outside of their marriage.

Faithful men have their wife as their confidant, not same sex friendships.

Faithful men do not engage in secret habits.

Faithful men are dependable and true to their word.

Faithful men protect their most important relationships with boundaries.

Faithful men act in love and are present, active in the lives of their children.

If your faithful man falls into any of these categories then thank him, affirm him, and be grateful. If he is missing the mark in any area of faithfulness then pray for him, believe in him, and trust him to grow as his Father works in those areas.

“…a faithful man who can find?” God can.

“…righteous men lead a blameless life, blessed are his children after him.” Faithful men are leaving a legacy of blessing to their children.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Women

 New Seasons; New Opportunities

When God began speaking to me about “semi-retirement” I questioned His timing, until He showed me this verse found in II Samuel 5:

David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years. (v. 4)

I would turn 70 in several years, just as King David. While that timing is different for everyone, I knew it wasn’t quitting time, but rather time to raise up the next generation and to open seats at multiple leadership tables. And then these verses spoke to me specifically about this new season I would enter:

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.(Psalm 71:17-18) 

William Vanderbloemen in his book, Next, states that from the day we take a new position we should be looking for our successor. For me, it wasn’t until we began the succession process for our international director.

While my life has been dedicated to teaching, helping and multiplying myself to others, it hasn’t been my first priority to think about my replacements. When you’re young the thought is, you’ll live forever and when you’re older, you’ll minister long term.. Why? Because the work we do is never finished and we’re never too old to do it. 

One morning in my devotional time I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. This is the chapter where Solomon writes about a time for everything. Having read these verses many times, God was placing a new emphasis upon them. Reading them a second time, I sensed God asked me to count them as “seasons.” There are 28. This reflection caused me to think about which season I was in and which season I was entering. 

How about you? Do you know the season you now live in? Do you know and embrace the next season God is preparing you for? God has new wine and fresh oil for you and it’s available to everyone of us!

Standard