Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Passing

The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the oxygen machine. Holding her hand, I receive a semi-opened eye of pure love. She says a word or two occasionally. The best of late were, “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

My mother is 96 years old and has been the Eveready Bunny most of my life. She could work circles around anyone. Lying in a bed in a hospice unit must be extremely difficult and tormenting to her normally active self. And for the number of years under her belt, she can recall most anything. Her mind has stayed uncannily sharp.

Even while in assisted living, a place my wife and I jokingly refer to as “unassisted living,” she caught five med errors. That’s something to boast about at her age!

With my father preceding her to heaven, one feels the oncoming loss of both parents. But these last days are not about me as a son; they’re about caring for a mother who loved me, fought for me, and lovingly raised me. She was protective, but not overly protective. She corrected me but never overcorrected. Most times, as a misbehaving son I could make her laugh and then she’d forget about why she was disciplining me. I’d quickly be off the hook.

Laughing came easy to her, but she did not tolerate what she called “stupid humor.” The movie Elf was in that category for her. One of her nurses also falls within that category and she just rolls her eyes at her. Honestly, I’d have to agree with her on that one. 

Last night we prayed and I released my mother to her heavenly home. It was sweet, but without response from her. I know she agreed. Billy Graham once said there are two days in a person’s life that they do not control–the day they are born and the day they die. Everything in between is a choice. My mother made good choices during those in-between years. 

How does one say goodbye? When the one passing is a lover of Jesus you do not; you say, “See you later.” It is that hope we hold as Christians. The reason? Jesus did not stay in the grave. After the third day He arose from that tomb the enemy thought would hold Him, while the Romans believing no one could roll a huge stone away. He gloriously became the resurrection and the life.

I love how Matthew describes the scene at the tomb Sunday morning. He writes, “The angel went to the tomb and rolled the stone away from the entrance. Then he sat on top of the stone.” (28:2-5) That was one tough and totally cool angel! He sat on top of the stone waiting for the first arrivals to the empty grave.

End of life with our parents is not an easy time, but it can be a good time when our relationship is whole and full of love. If you’re out of relationship with a loved one, do all you know to do to make it right, forgive, and humble yourself. You only get one set of parents in this life and none of them are perfect, not even you. 

My mother is still with us this Easter, but unfortunately, she won’t be able to join the rest of us around our celebration table. We’ll miss her at the meal, but then we’ll gather around her bed celebrating her life until she enters her eternal home.  Meanwhile, she is holding onto a soft bear companion that my granddaughter is sharing with her.

I love you, Mom! One of these days we’ll be saying, “See you later” and it will be okay.

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Building Trust

It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true. 

All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.

I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely. 

What helps us build trust? Consider the following:

  • Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
  • Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
  • Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted. 

How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?

We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen. 

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
    but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

The integrity of the upright guides them,
    but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)

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The Humor in Reaching Your 70’s

Guessing I never really could visualize what being in my 70’s looked like; I didn’t think about it much. I could observe my parents, but then they were parents and parents are supposed to be “old”. I remember Ralph from when I was in my 30’s, a butcher friend of mine, who was in his 70’s at the time. He seemed really old to me. Ralph often had a runny nose. You know, that clear liquid dripping off the tip and into the sausage he was grinding. I can also recall my step grandfather, who seemed old, smoking a pipe. I remember thinking, “Maybe when I am old like him, I’ll smoke a pipe.”

I don’t think you’re old when you’re in your 30’s or 40’s. But when you reach 50, most people will at least view you as old-er. Sixties though, that’s a different story. Those senior discounts kick in. I recall asking a waitress if her restaurant provided a senior discount and she said, “I already gave you the discount.” I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or sad. 

The medical profession says colonoscopies should begin in your 50’s. I have no idea where this revelation came from, but I have now had enough of those to know what I’m talking about. Today they even have medical centers strictly dedicated to these tests. I picked up my prep bag at the front desk and was asked, by the YOUNG girl behind the desk, what flavor I like for the “exit” fluid they give you. You know, the fluid that causes everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours to exit. I looked in the bag and asked her if there was a seatbelt issued. She looked back at me dumbfounded and then it hit her what I was talking about. I could still hear her laughing as I exited the building. 

When you’re in your 70’s all kinds of foods are taken off the list. I’m told that red meat is to be significantly reduced or eliminated. Is bacon red meat? I eat more bacon these days because I can afford to buy it now. I do believe bacon comes from “the other white meat.” At least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m told to eat more vegetables, especially dark green ones. I love vegetables–any color. That’s not a problem. But I’m not to have fried food, processed food, dairy products, sugar, high cholesterol foods, saturated fats, or salt. What’s left beside bran flakes?

I used to laugh at how many pills older people in my life would take. I now have my own fist full. My wife, a retired nurse, makes sure I take my daily vitamin, a pill for my joints, one for keeping my hair and nails, one for my blood to pass more easily through my heart, one for my prostate, one for arthritis, some kind of nasty fish oil, and I am sure I’m missing one or two. 

Bathrooms. I can recollect telling my kids to “Get in the car and forever hold it; we’re not stopping.” It’s good my kids don’t ride with me these days because we make that stop all too regularly. 

When you’re in your 70’s all the professionals in your life are younger than you and many are younger than your own children. My dentist is so young that when he told me I needed a crown and asked if I have had one, I replied, “Yes, I have had one, have you ever done one?” My youthful medical doctor told me my A1C was “high normal.” I asked him to repeat that second word. In my book, “normal” is normal. He’s too young to realize some other physician smarter than him changed the numbers so more meds could be sold to unsuspecting “old” people.

Reaching this milestone has its benefits though. You can say things that you couldn’t say when you were younger because most people might have been offended. I told my dentist once that he had his fingers in my mouth and my wallet all at the same time. He agreed. When you’re in your 70’s they just look at you, give you a pass by concluding, “He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” 

I asked a teenager recently how she got those holes in her jeans. She said she bought them that way. I told her I earned the holes in my jeans by working. I’m not about to buy jeans with holes already in them.

Being gray-haired is honorable in the scriptures. The Bible relates it to wisdom. “Gray hair is a crown of glory… (Proverbs 16:31.” And “… the splendor [or wisdom] of old men is their gray hair (Proverbs 20:29).” There are years of experience to life under that gray haired belt. We’ve been around the block, maybe a little slower these days, but still getting around.

“They [the righteous] will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalms 92:14).” It’s not a time to quit. It’s time to gain new vision and direction, keeping in mind that the next generation needs what you can give to them. If the next generation will honor that hoary head, there is much to learn from us.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. (Psalms 71:18)

Instead of anxiously running around that old-er person the next time they’re holding you up, try asking them if they need your help or if they have any wisdom to pass on to you. I’m pretty sure you’ll be better for it and then, perhaps, find yourself in your 70’s one day. 

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Polluted Oil Creek

Twenty-nine-year-old Hamilton McClintock, a farmer, owned some land along a creek in rural PA.  He later negotiated to purchase 100 more acres of ground at the astonishing price of $5,000.00.  It was astonishing because the locals called this land “worthless” where “Walkers always had to actually clean a messy deposit, a gooey substance off of their boots from that vicinity.”  

The local tribe of Seneca Native Americans would skim the surface of this creek for a sticky deposit on top of the water or at the water’s edge.  The creek was deemed unusable and without any benefit as it was polluted with the oil-like substance.  It was appropriately named Oil Creek due the stretch of water that ran from Titusville, PA to Oil City, PA being coated with this contaminating oily film.

Hamilton also found the substance seeping out from under a rock in the middle of the stream and there he built a log trap with baffles to collect more of it.  He could catch 20-30 barrels of oil in a season.

Some residents used this substance for lubrication of machinery and others used it for medicinal purposes.  Early on it was called Seneca Oil, but to most it was one big pain in the neck, especially to the salt drillers.

At the time, the most precious substance drilled for was brine, used to preserve meat.  All too often in this region of PA, this black, sticky substance would surface.  It was not the least bit desirable.  

America’s first oil company

In the year 1854 George Bissel, a New York businessman, formed Rock Oil Company.  It would be the first petroleum company in the world.  The word petroleum was from two words, Petra meaning rock and “oleum,” meaning oil.  

In 1858 a man named “Colonel Drake” was sent from Connecticut to Pennsylvania to begin to drill for the sticky substance.  The “Colonel” part of Edwin Drake’s name was meaningless, as his financiers merely invented the title to make him sound more plausible.  Most of the residents simply laughed at the man and called the whole venture, “Drake’s Folly” or when leveled personally at him, “Crazy Drake.”  However, on August 27, 1859, Edwin Drake would strike oil near Titusville, PA.  

The borehole was a mere 69 feet deep, and this first well would produce 20 barrels of crude a day.  It was great timing because Drake was now operating on borrowed money and time.

A mad rush was set off, not unlike the gold rush.  Towns were springing up in the area, along with the railroad for transport.  Some small farm owners were now making up to $9,000.00 a day leasing their land for oil exploration.  That’s comparable to $130,000 today.  

Hamilton McClintock himself drilled a well in 1861 named McClintock Well # 1.  To this day that well still produces oil and is the longest running, oil producing well on record at over 150 years.  Today the well is part of the Pennsylvania Historical Museum Commission, acquired in the year 2000.  The well, just two miles north of Oil City, PA is pumped quarterly and the proceeds from the oil sales are restricted to repairs and upkeep.

Steam engines were everywhere in the once quiet rural PA mountains.  People were showing up by the thousands looking for their fortunes.  How important was all of this to America?  Pennsylvania was at that time providing one half of the world’s production of oil and not until 1901 when East Texas discovered their oil did it change.

What was it used for?

America was using coal oil for light.  The demand for what was then known as “rock oil” skyrocketed when scientist discovered that oil could also be distilled to manufacture and create kerosene.  In the early days of America, when the sun went down there was candlelight.  To make the day longer, huge industries were born including whaling for whale oil, attempting to find some form of oil to burn for lighting up the darkness.  

Machines needed oil for lubrication and so did people.  Medicines were created when a man named Samuel Kier first discovered distilled oil helped his wife with her tuberculosis. He called it: “Kier’s Petroleum,” and it would sell for 50 cents a pint bottle.  

Then there was this annoying waxy substance that clogged the wellheads.  A man named Robert Chesebrough patented a method of creating a balm out of this byproduct substance and called it, “petroleum jelly.”  Today we know this balm as Vaseline petroleum jelly.

Drake’s life

Even though Edwin Drake was tremendously used and is known today as the father of the petroleum industry, he became a pauper and died in Bethlehem, PA, November 9, 1880.  Statues have been erected to commemorate this man and what he brought to America.  Today this geographical area is dedicated inside state owned grounds called Oil Creek State Park.  

The product that Drake brought up from underneath the earth’s surface has literally changed the face of the world in its development of illumination, power and transportation, not to mention industry.  Today there are over four million oil and natural gas wells in the US.  The recent discovery of deep wells, known as Marcellus Shale, has provided new and far more plentiful sources of gas and oil.  Some believe this natural gas find to possibly be the largest in the world.

The next time you find a gooey, sticky substance sticking to your boots, do not believe that ground to be worthless or good for nothing. You just might want to purchase it and become an oil tycoon! (See Numbers 13: 26 – 32.)

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Sexual Boundaries When Dating

Sexual boundaries are a hot topic these days. How far can you go before lust and sin are involved? What’s appropriate for a dating couple? When do you cross a line?

I remember covering this topic with my son when he was almost dating age. I asked him to read with me these scriptures found in I Thessalonians 5: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (v 1- 2)” I then asked if he would hug his sister and he said if he was leaving on a trip for a long time. I asked if he would hold her hand. After a squeamish and hesitant look, he said he would if he were helping her across a dangerous intersection. I followed that up with would he kiss his sister. In his mind, now I had gone too far. Finally, after forcing a reply he said maybe on the cheek on a rare occasion. The final question? “How long would you kiss your sister?” His reply, “Dad!?!?…gross!!!”

“So, that’s how you would treat your sister?” “Yes” came their tentative reply. “So, let’s think about that when it comes to dating and God’s word.” The message was hitting home, and he would need to process what his boundaries would be while dating. 

In our book, Called Together, a pre- and postmarital workbook*, we discuss this very subject in chapter one along with a progression of boundaries. The progression of boundaries goes something like this:

  1. Holding hands
  2. Arm around shoulder/waist
  3. Embracing/hugs
  4. Kissing on the cheek
  5. Kissing on the lips
  6. French kissing
  7. Fondling sexual areas
  8. Sexual intercourse

You can literally see the progression as you walk through numbers 1 through 8. This is not just a time wasting exercise, but rather a serious thought to the boundaries you will uphold while dating or during engagement. Why?

3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body[b] and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife,[c]for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before.7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (I Thessalonians 4:3-8 NLT)

When we sin sexually, this scripture relates that we are at the same time “rejecting God.” Sexual sin is also the sin which is against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18). 

What will you accomplish by obeying God’s sexual boundaries in your relationships? Let’s consider a few of those benefits.

  • You will know the blessing of God for your obedience to Him.
  • You will build trust in your relationship.
  • You will be showing the worth and value of God’s daughter or son in your relationship.
  • You will be an example to your peers and one day to your children.
  • You will not have to deal with sexual and emotional hurts before or after you are married.
  • Your sexual commitment in marriage will be far more trust filled.
  • You will avoid pregnancy.
  • Your love and respect for each other will not become clouded with lust and guilt.
  • You will build love, respect, self-control, and patience.

What specific steps can you take to avoid sexual sin in your relationships? Set your boundaries beforehand. Ask God for an internal alarm when nearing that boundary. Develop a key word or phrase that can be spoken by one or both of you that indicates you are approaching your physical boundary. Ask your parents or others to hold you accountable in this area of your life. 

God will honor your faith and obedience, and your marriage sex life will not be full of regret. And one final question: If you’ll allow yourself to be sexual before marriage, why not then also allow yourself to be sexual outside of your marriage?

*Called Together, Asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”

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Getting Married is Easy…

Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort. 

Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime. 

We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!

So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces.  What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news! 

The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?

But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!

I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

(I Corinthians 13:7)

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Show Me My Heart

King David prayed a specific prayer several times. He recorded his appeal in the book of Psalms. It was a dangerous prayer. It was a challenging prayer. It was not one to be taken lightly. 

But before we get to that prayer, I want to share another detail with you. Found only in the gospel of Mark chapter 11 is a picture of Christ at the temple. In the days prior He was honored, hailed, and revered with “Hosanna’s” as He rode the donkey into Jerusalem. Come evening, He wandered into the temple without His disciples accompanying Him. Mark records this scene in verse 11. 

“Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve.”

Did you catch that He went into the temple where preparations were being made for the Sabbath? Mark writes that He looked around and then left to go and be with His disciples. 

He must have seen the money changers preparing for sales. He had to hear, see, and smell the animals that were going to be sold from the temple courts. But all He did was “look around.” Further in chapter 11 Mark records the acts of Jesus on the following day, “On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves,16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts.”

I found myself thinking, “Wow, you had all night to settle your heart. All night to share your burden over the misuse of the temple with your Father.” But the next day He would overturn the tables. 

Back to King David’s recorded prayers. In Psalm 139 David prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” In Psalm 26 he wrote, “Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind.” And again, in Psalm 7 we read, “Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High.”

Those are the most dangerous, most vulnerable, and most revealing prayers. In short, David was requesting God to show him himself, his own heart. Yikes! Have you ever prayed that prayer? It is a good one, but you better be prepared for truth to follow from your Father if you’re serious. 

After reading about Jesus, alone and looking around in the temple, I asked God what I was to gain from those verses. This is exactly what I heard: “Ask Me to look around your temple.” In other words, search me God, look around my heart and reveal to me my true self, my offensive ways, any lack of integrity, and any failure of righteousness. 

Do we stay so busy that we avoid asking God to show us our heart? He wants to. He’ll be gentle; He’ll be loving, but He’ll be truthful.

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Showing Public Affection: PDA

PDA, is an acronym for “Public Display of Affection.” If you’re married, how comfortable are you with PDA? Does it embarrass you? Would you rather not see it, or would you find a smile on your face when you observe a couple embracing affectionately in public?

I had a friend who longed for his wife’s affection while out walking. He simply wanted to hold her hand. However, she was raised by a family to believe public affection was being forward, almost bragging about their marriage in a way that flaunted pride. He tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but she would not relent.

If you’re married, affection is for your benefit, your marriage. To demonstrate your love to one another by affection is a form of maintaining intimacy. Holding your spouse’s hand says, “I got you, you’re mine, you’re safe with me, and I love you!” When we take the hand of a child to cross the street, we’re communicating nonverbally that we’ll protect them, care for them, keep them safe and that they can trust us. Why wouldn’t we want to give that same message to our spouse and to those who happen to catch us in the act?

Help bring security, attachment, affection and love to your spouse with a healthy dose of PDA. Hold hands, kiss and embrace. Your children may make fun at first, but they’ll grow to love you for it!

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Integrity: It’s Up to Us

As a child, walking around an old “five and dime” store, I watched a gentleman remove the price tag from one sweatshirt and place it on another for a lessor price at the cash register. That occurred almost 60 years ago, but I remember the incident like it happened today. It made such an impact on my young mind. 

Integrity is a strict adherence to morality and ethnical value. It is walking in healing and wholeness. Integrity by definition is being “honest” and walking in, “soundness of moral character.” If we lack wholeness in an area of our lives, we can certainly lack integrity within that area as well.

Is integrity perfect?

Can we maintain integrity even while we are on a mistake-filled journey here on earth? I believe we can, as godly character is grown over time and mistakes are a part of that growth. If we live under strict codes, then all failures are placed upon our permanent record. But in living under grace, we find forgiveness for our failures and an Advocate who comes alongside us to reinforce the right responses for future application and personal growth. The journey, while not an excuse for sin, is about growth in the process, not perfection.  

I was driving over Memorial Day weekend and within several hours I counted no less than one dozen police officers sitting along the highway in their patrol vehicles. It was a constant reminder to obey the law, or I would suffer the consequences. If I disobeyed, fear would be my response.  If I obeyed the law, assurance of no wrongdoing was my confidence. That’s how the law operates. The law is written down or expressed by the lawgiver with certain consequences expressed for breaking that law. Infractions are taken seriously and often our motivation for following the law is fear. However, I don’t believe fear will ever stop us from breaking the law or the rules. 

For example, when smoking cigarettes there is a natural, physiological law that is put into effect in which one could eventually suffer from cancer. It’s even written on the cigarette pack themselves, but that law of possibly dying from cancer does not keep most people from smoking. Romans 4 tells us that the law points out the sin when it says, “Where there is no law there is no transgression.”

God’s grace in the process does not operate that way, because perfect love casts out fear. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (I John 4:18).” Romans 10:4 reveals that Christ is the end or the culmination of the law. God’s grace is not law-filled; it’s love-filled!

Love accepts that integrity is not perfect. Love embraces the journey. Love forgives the wrongdoing and love promotes more love, not fear. Obviously, we’re continually in need of a repentant heart in the growth process. There are plenty of faults to find in the psalmist David’s life, but in Psalm 41 he wrote, “In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.” 

Integrity avoids moral failure

Life can be full of regrets, but integrity and high moral character will never leave one feeling remorseful. Job’s wife once said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”  However, the Bible reveals that even after all of Job’s loss, he did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing.  What amazing character this man walked in. If you’re like me, you are tempted but if you long to be more like Jesus, you also realize perfection will never be reached. Lifelong integrity can be your testimony and that testimony begins today.

The following examples are numerous areas of life which you would benefit from as you walk in integrity (26 observations). These are expressions of honor toward God and possible personal life consequences if we fail to walk in integrity. 

When walking in integrity you would:

  • Maintain your personal testimony and walk before God
  • Maintain an uninhibited marriage of oneness (spiritually, sexually, emotionally) Obviously, the lack of integrity can greatly affect a marriage!
  • Not have to work at winning a spouse’s trust back
  • Maintain family by not embarrassing them and not losing their respect and trust
  • Depending on your level of leadership, not have to walk away from a job or ministry position
  • Not have to relocate 
  • Not have to face news articles, publicly printed communication and social media posts about personal failure
  • Not have to face rumors, gossip and lies
  • Not have to face untold and far-reaching negative consequences either based on truth and fact or hearsay and lies
  • Not have to face the law or possible lawsuits
  • Not lose or forfeit many friendships and local church relationships
  • Live without wounds and scars
  • Not feel as though everyone is watching 
  • Not suffer from overwhelming thoughts of failure
  • Not continually relive the past, coming up with regret and loss
  • Live without continual condemnation and guilt or false guilt
  • Be able to sleep at night
  • Wake up in the morning looking forward to a new day, rather than dreading a new day
  • Not have to be concerned about who you may face in the day
  • Not suffer the loss of vision
  • Not have to go through biblical discipline and a restoration process
  • Be able to look at your family and all others in the eye
  • Be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling like a failure
  • Have a clear conscience; walking through life without a cloud over oneself
  • Not lose your peace and joy    
  • Not suffer the loss and grief of broken relationship with God

That said, integrity goes beyond sexual morality

Integrity does not just touch moral areas of character, but also our character when it comes to finances and truth telling. Jesus talked a lot about money and how we walk out financial integrity, speaking loudly about our character. Our use of money, debt, credit, tithe and giving reveal who owns our finances. When we walk in financial integrity, we will demonstrate a deeper sense of integrity to ourselves and others.

Integrity is full of truth

Truth-telling is a matter of integrity as well. Are we 100% truthful and if not, do we correct our near truths? Proverbs remind us, “The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs 12:22).” I long to be a delight to my Lord and truthful lips will be a part of that relationship. 

It’s up to us. We can choose integrity in some things or all things. 

Ten observations about pursuing integrity 

  1. Integrity is God’s choice for me.  (I Kings 9:4)

God told David to walk before him with integrity of heart and uprightness.

2. Job said he would not deny his integrity and his conscience would not reproach him. 

David wrote, “Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity.”

3. Integrity starts in my heart.  (I Chronicles 29:17)

God tests our heart and is pleased when He finds integrity.

4. It is easier to not be a man or woman of integrity.  (Job 2:9)

Job’s wife asked Job if he was going to hold on to integrity, curse God and die.

5. Integrity is something I grow in.  (Psalm 103:8 – 14)

God will remove our transgressions, have compassion, realizing we are but dust.

6. Be an example; show integrity.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought; use sober judgement. (Romans 12:3)

7. It means not being able to defend ourselves before others at times.  (Psalm 25:21; 41:12) 

Our integrity protects us. Because of integrity God upholds us.

8. Jesus maintained integrity before men who constantly judged him.  (Mark 12:13, 14; Hebrews 5:8, 9; Proverbs 29:10)

Even the Pharisees told Jesus they knew He was a man of integrity.

9. The closer I come to Jesus, the more integral I become.  (Proverbs 2:21; 11:3)

When we walk in integrity, we walk securely; integrity will guide us.

10. Proverbs 13:6 tell us, “Righteousness guards the person of integrity.”

The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9 NLT)

If we choose to not walk in integrity, we will eventually need intervention.  Intervention will then bring about the need for restoration.

The two sides of integrity

Integrity has two sides: that which you will not do and that which you will do. The latter is often forgotten when it comes to integrity.  Integrity is adhering to principles that you or your ethical and moral side hold as truth and of value to follow.  

All too often we know what we’re not desiring to do, e.g., be unfaithful to our marriage, cheat our employer, lie on our taxes, or pursue dishonest gains.  Even our faith can dictate what we will not participate in. But what about the part of integrity that calls for what we will do?  

Romans chapter twelve gives insight into this issue when it says, “Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” (Verse 9) Do you see the two sides?  What are you “clinging” to?  In other words, if gossip is wrong and not integral, then what should we cling to?  We could begin with telling the truth and then we can add what we really like about a certain person–an encouragement. 

 If we are tempted to call a politician a derogatory name and slander them, we could refuse to enter into that side of politics and speak life-giving words instead.  The scripture is very clear about this area of integrity.  To participate in words of slander is clearly not biblical or integral, “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips (Colossians 3:8).” (See also Ephesians 4:31; Titus 3:1-5; I Peter 2:1; Jude 1:9,10.)

If stealing is wrong, not integral, we can work hard, earn extra and give more away to others. (See Ephesians 4:28.) Integrity is not just connected to what we don’t do, it is also connected to what we will do and how we will act toward others. 

Practical steps

The medical field can be filled with mistakes because humans make mistakes. But I have watched how the medical field polices itself. Self-reporting is required. If my wife, as a nurse, makes a medication mistake, she has an immediate process to follow, to chart and to make others aware. It is an integral process of self-reporting. 

If she chooses to tell no one, not chart her mistake, but it is eventually discovered and the error is exposed, she will face immediate disciplinarian action. If she self-reports, the consequences are far less severe.

Churches and church leaders do not often self-report because of the fear of being fired. There are cases of leaders just confessing temptation and/or sin facing no correction or accountability. 

Steps we can take:

  1. Become a self-reporter.
  2. Assume what you say and do in private will be made public.
  3. Do not say something, post something or forward something on social media that you would not say publicly to the audience you lead.
  4. Stay humble, stay real, be accountable, and work on any area(s) in which you may lack integrity. The scripture states to have an honest estimation of yourself. 
  5. Be honest and be trustworthy. Your follow-through is part of your word. Your word and your walk are your integrity in action. 

Two warnings: 1. Be forewarned; the lack of integrity has a way of surfacing. 2. It takes a lifetime of building integrity and only minutes to lose it! If you really want to know the integrity of an individual, talk with their spouse.

Embrace integrity today; it’s the only life-building, life-giving way to live on this earth. Ask God to show you any area of your life that lacks integrity. He will show you and He will also make a way of escape in order to change and grow in that area of your life.

Lastly, never assume the “anointed” are full of integrity. Remember that anointing is not necessarily full of integrity or character. Anointing and giftedness may not be removed even as we fail to live in integrity. 

In Jim Baker’s book, I Was Wrong, his confession of error was that he placed people on a platform because of their gift and their anointing, even though he knew their integrity was lacking. 

“Help us, Lord, to not make the same mistake.”

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