Category Archives: Parents

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Is Your Marriage a Sacred Gift?

Marriage is a gift, not from government, not from culture, not from the church, but directly from God. Marriage is not wholly Christian, as religions all over the world practice marriage. Marriage is a creation act of God. 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24)” That’s it. That’s where it all started in Genesis, the book of beginnings. 

Marriage is sacred. A woman is a gift to a man from God. A man is a gift to a woman from God. It is the only way to understand this institution that our heavenly Father gave to mankind. From this gift, He would enable us to enter into creation ourselves and produce offspring. And that offspring will one day marry and have a family of their own. It is how families grow. It is how cultures grow. It is the backbone of our societies. There is no other design so true and so real.

Marriage is so important that the enemy of our souls has feverously worked to destroy and to counterfeit it. He has handed us separation to see if we should divorce to end it. He has handed us disagreement to bring continual conflict. The enemy has proposed extramarital affairs to break our vows. He has handed to many addictions and to others emotional instability. Still others can succumb to financial issues. The list goes on and it is all meant to destroy a union, a family.

When the destruction of a marriage occurs, there is loss…pain-filled loss. There is the loss of love, the loss of finances, the loss of possessions, the loss of family and friends. The children suffer loss. The parents of the couple suffer loss. Even the family pets have no idea where they’ll end up. 

There are reasons for divorce, but it is a last resort, not the first one. There are reasons for separation, but the goal is not divorce; it is either safety or finding healing and ways to try again. Every marriage is worth fighting for because every life is redeemable and every child needs an intact family. 

Marriage is sacred; two have become one. It is “until death do us part.” Fight for yours. Don’t become lethargic in your marriage. Date your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Plan a Valentine’s get-away weekend. Attend a marriage seminar. Do not listen to the enemy’s voice.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

Therefore they are no longer two, but one flesh…what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6).

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Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Women

Passing

The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the oxygen machine. Holding her hand, I receive a semi-opened eye of pure love. She says a word or two occasionally. The best of late were, “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

My mother is 96 years old and has been the Eveready Bunny most of my life. She could work circles around anyone. Lying in a bed in a hospice unit must be extremely difficult and tormenting to her normally active self. And for the number of years under her belt, she can recall most anything. Her mind has stayed uncannily sharp.

Even while in assisted living, a place my wife and I jokingly refer to as “unassisted living,” she caught five med errors. That’s something to boast about at her age!

With my father preceding her to heaven, one feels the oncoming loss of both parents. But these last days are not about me as a son; they’re about caring for a mother who loved me, fought for me, and lovingly raised me. She was protective, but not overly protective. She corrected me but never overcorrected. Most times, as a misbehaving son I could make her laugh and then she’d forget about why she was disciplining me. I’d quickly be off the hook.

Laughing came easy to her, but she did not tolerate what she called “stupid humor.” The movie Elf was in that category for her. One of her nurses also falls within that category and she just rolls her eyes at her. Honestly, I’d have to agree with her on that one. 

Last night we prayed and I released my mother to her heavenly home. It was sweet, but without response from her. I know she agreed. Billy Graham once said there are two days in a person’s life that they do not control–the day they are born and the day they die. Everything in between is a choice. My mother made good choices during those in-between years. 

How does one say goodbye? When the one passing is a lover of Jesus you do not; you say, “See you later.” It is that hope we hold as Christians. The reason? Jesus did not stay in the grave. After the third day He arose from that tomb the enemy thought would hold Him, while the Romans believing no one could roll a huge stone away. He gloriously became the resurrection and the life.

I love how Matthew describes the scene at the tomb Sunday morning. He writes, “The angel went to the tomb and rolled the stone away from the entrance. Then he sat on top of the stone.” (28:2-5) That was one tough and totally cool angel! He sat on top of the stone waiting for the first arrivals to the empty grave.

End of life with our parents is not an easy time, but it can be a good time when our relationship is whole and full of love. If you’re out of relationship with a loved one, do all you know to do to make it right, forgive, and humble yourself. You only get one set of parents in this life and none of them are perfect, not even you. 

My mother is still with us this Easter, but unfortunately, she won’t be able to join the rest of us around our celebration table. We’ll miss her at the meal, but then we’ll gather around her bed celebrating her life until she enters her eternal home.  Meanwhile, she is holding onto a soft bear companion that my granddaughter is sharing with her.

I love you, Mom! One of these days we’ll be saying, “See you later” and it will be okay.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Small Groups, Women

Building Trust

It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true. 

All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.

I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely. 

What helps us build trust? Consider the following:

  • Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
  • Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
  • Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted. 

How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?

We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen. 

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
    but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

The integrity of the upright guides them,
    but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)

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The Humor in Reaching Your 70’s

Guessing I never really could visualize what being in my 70’s looked like; I didn’t think about it much. I could observe my parents, but then they were parents and parents are supposed to be “old”. I remember Ralph from when I was in my 30’s, a butcher friend of mine, who was in his 70’s at the time. He seemed really old to me. Ralph often had a runny nose. You know, that clear liquid dripping off the tip and into the sausage he was grinding. I can also recall my step grandfather, who seemed old, smoking a pipe. I remember thinking, “Maybe when I am old like him, I’ll smoke a pipe.”

I don’t think you’re old when you’re in your 30’s or 40’s. But when you reach 50, most people will at least view you as old-er. Sixties though, that’s a different story. Those senior discounts kick in. I recall asking a waitress if her restaurant provided a senior discount and she said, “I already gave you the discount.” I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or sad. 

The medical profession says colonoscopies should begin in your 50’s. I have no idea where this revelation came from, but I have now had enough of those to know what I’m talking about. Today they even have medical centers strictly dedicated to these tests. I picked up my prep bag at the front desk and was asked, by the YOUNG girl behind the desk, what flavor I like for the “exit” fluid they give you. You know, the fluid that causes everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours to exit. I looked in the bag and asked her if there was a seatbelt issued. She looked back at me dumbfounded and then it hit her what I was talking about. I could still hear her laughing as I exited the building. 

When you’re in your 70’s all kinds of foods are taken off the list. I’m told that red meat is to be significantly reduced or eliminated. Is bacon red meat? I eat more bacon these days because I can afford to buy it now. I do believe bacon comes from “the other white meat.” At least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m told to eat more vegetables, especially dark green ones. I love vegetables–any color. That’s not a problem. But I’m not to have fried food, processed food, dairy products, sugar, high cholesterol foods, saturated fats, or salt. What’s left beside bran flakes?

I used to laugh at how many pills older people in my life would take. I now have my own fist full. My wife, a retired nurse, makes sure I take my daily vitamin, a pill for my joints, one for keeping my hair and nails, one for my blood to pass more easily through my heart, one for my prostate, one for arthritis, some kind of nasty fish oil, and I am sure I’m missing one or two. 

Bathrooms. I can recollect telling my kids to “Get in the car and forever hold it; we’re not stopping.” It’s good my kids don’t ride with me these days because we make that stop all too regularly. 

When you’re in your 70’s all the professionals in your life are younger than you and many are younger than your own children. My dentist is so young that when he told me I needed a crown and asked if I have had one, I replied, “Yes, I have had one, have you ever done one?” My youthful medical doctor told me my A1C was “high normal.” I asked him to repeat that second word. In my book, “normal” is normal. He’s too young to realize some other physician smarter than him changed the numbers so more meds could be sold to unsuspecting “old” people.

Reaching this milestone has its benefits though. You can say things that you couldn’t say when you were younger because most people might have been offended. I told my dentist once that he had his fingers in my mouth and my wallet all at the same time. He agreed. When you’re in your 70’s they just look at you, give you a pass by concluding, “He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” 

I asked a teenager recently how she got those holes in her jeans. She said she bought them that way. I told her I earned the holes in my jeans by working. I’m not about to buy jeans with holes already in them.

Being gray-haired is honorable in the scriptures. The Bible relates it to wisdom. “Gray hair is a crown of glory… (Proverbs 16:31.” And “… the splendor [or wisdom] of old men is their gray hair (Proverbs 20:29).” There are years of experience to life under that gray haired belt. We’ve been around the block, maybe a little slower these days, but still getting around.

“They [the righteous] will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalms 92:14).” It’s not a time to quit. It’s time to gain new vision and direction, keeping in mind that the next generation needs what you can give to them. If the next generation will honor that hoary head, there is much to learn from us.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. (Psalms 71:18)

Instead of anxiously running around that old-er person the next time they’re holding you up, try asking them if they need your help or if they have any wisdom to pass on to you. I’m pretty sure you’ll be better for it and then, perhaps, find yourself in your 70’s one day. 

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Getting Married is Easy…

Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort. 

Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime. 

We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!

So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces.  What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news! 

The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?

But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!

I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

(I Corinthians 13:7)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Training, Women

Showing Public Affection: PDA

PDA, is an acronym for “Public Display of Affection.” If you’re married, how comfortable are you with PDA? Does it embarrass you? Would you rather not see it, or would you find a smile on your face when you observe a couple embracing affectionately in public?

I had a friend who longed for his wife’s affection while out walking. He simply wanted to hold her hand. However, she was raised by a family to believe public affection was being forward, almost bragging about their marriage in a way that flaunted pride. He tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but she would not relent.

If you’re married, affection is for your benefit, your marriage. To demonstrate your love to one another by affection is a form of maintaining intimacy. Holding your spouse’s hand says, “I got you, you’re mine, you’re safe with me, and I love you!” When we take the hand of a child to cross the street, we’re communicating nonverbally that we’ll protect them, care for them, keep them safe and that they can trust us. Why wouldn’t we want to give that same message to our spouse and to those who happen to catch us in the act?

Help bring security, attachment, affection and love to your spouse with a healthy dose of PDA. Hold hands, kiss and embrace. Your children may make fun at first, but they’ll grow to love you for it!

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Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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Children, Encouragement, History, In the news, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Parents

It’s Christmas!

Christmas is that wonderful time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ with our families and the world. This season is celebrated around the world in different forms and fashions, but the holiday is dedicated to remembering and rejoicing in the birth of our Savior and Redeemer, Christ.

Here are some fun facts about Christmas gathered for your family enjoyment:

  • The tallest Christmas tree ever displayed was in Seattle, Washington. It measured 221 feet tall.  
  • The top six Christmas tree producing states are Oregon, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Washington and Wisconsin.
  • Buying all the gifts from the “12 Days of Christmas” song would cost you a ton of money. The most expensive being “Swans a Swimming.”
  • When the candy cane was created in Germany, it was made into a “J” for Jesus. The red                 stripes symbolize His blood and the white His purity. 
  • It is a tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas. Orders must be placed two months in advance.
  • 1 in 3 men wait until Christmas Eve to do their shopping.
  • Christmas trees usually grow for close to 15 years before they can be sold. 
  • Bing Crosby’s version of “White Christmas” is the highest-selling single of all time.
  • Christmas lights were so expensive that they used to be rented rather than sold. An electrically lit tree was a status symbol in the early 1900’s.
  • The first Salvation Army collection kettle took place in San Francisco’s Oakland Ferry at the foot of Market St. It was a large crab pot with a sign that read “Keep the Pot Boiling.”  
  • In 2012 there were more than 15,000 holiday decorating injuries during November and December. The most common being falls, 34% of all injuries.  
  • The word “Merry” in Merry Christmas was not always accepted because being merry used to signify slight intemperance.  
  • The Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School in Midland, MI hosts 130 Santas each year where they gather and learn about the history of St. Nick, popular toys and Santa etiquette.  
  • In 1980, the highest selling Christmas toy was a Rubik’s cube for $1.99. It now retails for $10.
  • The abbreviation X in X-Mas is not an abbreviation. It stands for “Chi,” meaning Christ in Greek.  
  • The reason we give presents during Christmas is to symbolize the gifts given to Jesus by the three wise men.

There you have a few facts about Christmas, some rather strange. I pray that your Christmas season is full of fun, family, love, and of course CHRIST!

For a child is born to us,
    a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
    And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor,[a] Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 His government and its peace
    will never end.
He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David
    for all eternity.
The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
    will make this happen! (Isaiah 9:6, 7 NLT)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Men, Parents, Prayer, Training, Women

Finding Your Happy Pace

It is said that not everyone is a goal setter. There are those who live day-by-day; what will come will come and somehow get away with it. They specialize in not having a plan, being primarily spontaneous, and perhaps generally lacking or maybe even avoiding order. 

Then there are those who not only have a plan and goals, but they also have a list–a daily list. They love their list and especially enjoy crossing off those tasks completed. They feel productive and useful. And when they complete their list, only then can they rest. 

I personally fall into the latter group. I have lists for daily jobs, blogs I want to write, work I want to accomplish, and sermon messages I want to share. Checking off an accomplishment from my list gives me certain satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I’m not missing things I should not miss. My lists are a reminder. While I am not driven by them, they help me find my pace.

If I don’t get through my list, then the items simply go to another day–no worries. I do not fret over my list if not every line item is accomplished. But I have a secret that I am going to let you in on. 

I start every day with God. I do not begin any list before I spend time with my Friend, my Savior, my Boss, and my Pace Setter. I want my list to honor Him first. And I want Him to be honored before my list. My priority is to “seek first the kingdom of God” and then knowing He will help me accomplish my list. 

The only way to really know someone is to spend time with them. The only way to have true direction is to hear your Father’s voice. He’s waiting to spend time with you, to speak to you, to love you and to share His thoughts so that your daily pace is directed by Him. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a time for everything.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

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