Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Premarital, Postmarital, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Men, Challenge, Women

How Do You Define Your Spouse?

My wife and I recently completed another six sessions of premarital counseling with a couple. They’re excited about their future. They have a gleam in their eyes. They are full of anticipation for what’s ahead. And there’s one other special thing we notice frequently. 

This couple tends to define each other with passionate praise. For example, “He’s so observant of my needs.” Or “She compliments me often.” We admire this trait and encourage it.

Meeting with couples in counseling or at marriage seminars we lead, we notice those expressions or definitions seem to change. After some marriage years under their belts, we hear things like, “I have to pick up after him all the time,” or “He doesn’t do this…” The men use language like, “Where did those compliments go?” or “I just wish she would appreciate me for who I am and not who she thinks I should be.”

Where did those attractions, compliments, and praises go? Why does the focus seem to change once we’re married? Are we called to the construction crew of marriage or the destruction crew? Yes, we have faults, idiosyncrasies, unhelpful habits, but we are also maturing, growing, learning about ourselves, and becoming who God calls us to become. This process is lifelong, not immediate.

Perhaps we could begin to pray for our mate while they are in this process. Perhaps we could be reminded that we are also in that same process of change and maturation. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, desired, and anticipated. (Hebrews 11:1) By faith we see our mate as God sees them. By faith we ask our heavenly Father to see our love, appreciation, and praise increase toward our life mate. 

By faith focus more on what we can do and say rather than allowing our minds to be consumed with what we’re not seeing in our spouse. 

Discover that praise motivates far more than criticism.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Women

Your Marriage Connection After a Long and Exhausting Day

It’s been a long and grueling workday for him. So many expectations from the boss and those workmates. Some days are way too long even though they’re all nine hours plus a commute. The final straw was the traffic encountered on the drive home and the red lights; why so many red lights?

She’s been wrestling with three toddlers all day long. Could the day become any longer, especially when the youngest simply refused nap time and now can not stop fussing? The young mom can’t wait for “relief” to come through the door. Perhaps then she’ll find the time to get the wash done and clean up the kitchen while at the same time thinking about dinner for everyone.

When she hears the garage door go up, who or what will she see coming through the back door. When he arrives home, that place of solace, will he find peace? Both of you are exhausted and both of you are looking for a breather. The two of you are expecting a hug, a listening ear or maybe even a kiss. You both could use a break, but instead you find a drained life mate simply wanting to lay on the couch and catch their breath.

Rather than being the person everyone would love to come home to, you find yourselves arguing once again. And it’s always over the smallest, most insignificant stuff. What is wrong with us?

You have forgotten how to ready yourself for one another. You have lost that spirit of anticipation. You have allowed yourself and your problems to become bigger than the two of you. Rather than thinking about the love of your life returning home, you’re thinking about how many times you’ve been spit up on and how many messes you have cleaned up through the day. His head is still at work rehearsing the demands of his job and how will he get through another day before the weekend break.

Can you recall when you were engaged and getting ready for a date night? The anticipation was building by the moment. There was no distraction that was going to keep you from one another’s arms. The stuff of life did not get in the way of the two of you. You worked on looking your best, thinking your best, and being your best. Where did all that go and who says it has to leave?

The two of you can get it back. Work at anticipating and being the person your spouse desires, no, longs to come home to. Rather than the typical argument of who is the most tired or how long your day was, be the one who drops as much as possible in order to greet your spouse with a kiss, a facial expression of “I missed you,” and an embrace of “It’s good to have you home!” 

As you work together through the evening, be sure to save time for yourselves. Find an hour to talk and to pray through your day. Create some “us” time so you can hear each other’s heart. Be good to one another and anticipate a daily time of connecting.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Our Marriage Has a Few “Rules”

Well, maybe not rules, but guidelines, commitments, agreements? Anyway, we have agreed upon certain actions that we feel keep us close, connected, and communicating. We want to share those with you. They’re not law, but we do hold a high value on these as a priority to our marriage health. Here are all ten of them:

  1. We pray together every morning and evening. If one of us is traveling, we’ll try to call.
  2. We find one another when leaving the house, kiss and say goodbye. We find one another when returning home, kiss and greet with any necessary communication.
  3. We do not spend more than $50.00 without consulting each other on the purchase. 
  4. The money we earn is not hers or his; it is ours. 
  5. We have written a marriage mission statement and we abide by it.
  6. No yelling or name-calling is tolerated during disagreements. One guideline we maintain is to praise in public and to construct in private.
  7. Conflict must be resolved (or worked toward a resolve) in a reasonable amount of time.
  8. We take necessary time to do a face-to-face communication and catch-up daily.
  9. We share a common faith in every area of life and keep it at the center of who we are as a couple.
  10. When we said “yes” to each other, we said “no” to all others

We’re not a perfect couple by any means, but these “rules” have helped to keep us safe, secure, and connected in the nearly 51 years we have been married. The marriage relationship is built on trust, and trust is maintained through integrity in all areas of our marriage. We love our marriage and we remain committed to walk in love, forgiveness, and honesty. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

How Good Are You in Bed?

Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom. 

Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?

Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance. 

Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)

Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.

God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.

But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Secrets Have Consequences in Marriage: Confess

Secrets among marriage partners can be devastating. Secrets also have a way of surfacing at just the wrong time and place. 

I was in a meeting some years ago when a husband confessed to an affair in front of others who really did not have a need to know his secret. The wife was embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, completely taken off guard and noticeably angry, but what was she going to say in front of the others? Apparently, her husband thought it to be a safe place in which her response had to be navigated carefully. She was wounded in more ways than one. 

When our spouse approaches us cautiously and says the words, “I have a confession to make” you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be difficult to hear. While confession is important, so is the timing of it. Confession in marriage is necessary and important because we continue to deal with our fallen natures and we make plenty of mistakes. But the timing of those confessions and the word choice used is of utmost importance.

Our confession might already be harmful, so there is no need to compound it with an inopportune time and place. When you do confess, add a full disclosure with complete honesty. Be sure to ask for forgiveness as you apologize and NEVER excuse your behavior. It is not, “I’m sorry, but if you…” When we take full responsibility for our behavior and tell the truth we just might keep trust in the relationship. When we make excuses for our behavior or lie about it, we will most assuredly do damage to the trust we have built. 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Small Groups, Women

Listening is a Skill

We pay counselors $150.00 an hour to listen to us: more accurately, you receive 50 minutes. High schools and colleges offer “public speaking” courses. Have you ever been told about or offered a “public listening course?” I haven’t. But listening is a skill and it’s one taught in any counseling program. 

Listening to someone is honoring. It says they are important enough to be listened to. It relates care and concern; and it shares value to the one being listened to. Listening is an expertise learned as one matures in their communication skills.

We all desire to talk and be heard, but marriage is an exercise in listening. We need to really hear what our spouse is communicating, and sometimes not just the words. Communication is first and foremost body language, then tone of voice and finally content. 

The Bible has a lot to say about listening. For example:

“Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand.’” (Matthew 15:10)

“Therefore, consider carefully how you listen.” (Luke 8:18a)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) 

Are you developing your listening skills? If so, your spouse and your children will appreciate it. Your boss at work or your customers will feel like you care. Your Father in heaven wants to speak with you as well. 

We must stop talking long enough to listen.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

How Married are You?

Are you married 50, 60, or 75 percent? Or are you married 100 percent? Would you give your wife free access to your wallet? Wives, would you allow your husband to rummage through your purse?

Do you walk in 100% of trust with each other? Are there questions about total honesty in your marriage? When we have secrets in marriage, our journey of oneness is challenged. When there are secrets present, intimacy in marriage can go only so far. Secrets inhibit closeness and when closeness is inhibited our marriage will be affected by the loss of honesty and truth telling.

When we coverup, lie, or withhold truth in our marriage because we feel shame or we’re embarrassed, we will impair the intimacy we seek. The more we withhold from our spouse, the more disconnected we become. If we find ourselves using phrases like, “If my wife knew about this, she’d kill me” or “Don’t tell my husband what I am about to tell you,” we are damaging what God desires to build in our marriages and we harm the very reasons we are one.

Choose truth and become totally married–fully one! There is no room in marriage for deception or coverup. Go for broke to create a new level of forthrightness and openness while choosing to be fully honest with one another. The dividends are worth the pain and the humility it takes to be married 100 percent.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Demanding Change from Our Spouse

Can you demand change of your marriage partner if the issue is not a sin? 

One of you flies by the seat of your pants and the other takes their time in a methodical manner. One of you stays up late watching TV and the other is in bed reading. One of you needs the details and the other wants the bottom line. 

In our premarital material, we ask couples before marriage how they are different. They actually have to record those differences. It’s funny to see how those differences play out when we get together for our postmarital sessions. Often the differences grow in number. 

These dissimilarities, small and large, can cause frustrations and underlying tensions that build over time in our marriage. But should they? And what would God have to say about these differences that are not sin-related?

Proverbs 19:11 states, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” And Proverbs 10:12 reminds us that love covers over wrongs. 

Demanding change from our spouse is tricky because we must decide whether this is something we can overlook, is it something that love can cover;,or is it sin? If it’s not sin, one can request change but not demand change. 

What’s the secret? Coming to terms with those differences is the place to start. Accepting that we each bring a unique piece to the marriage and both pieces are necessary. Becoming frustrated is my problem and I must own it. Stop insisting on change; you’ll be miserable. Ask God for the necessary change in your life and in your mate’s life (James 4:1- 3). Finally, realize that some things will not change.

One final and favorite scripture that speaks to relationships and change is Romans 15:7: 

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

Are You Comparing Your Spouse?

Have you ever hung out with a group of women or men who boisterously share about the amazing things their spouse does for them? And then you think, “I wish my husband/wife would do that for me.” It’s difficult to hear a friend bragging about something you would desire from your spouse. That’s called comparison. 

It doesn’t really matter what your comparing: spouses, cars, jobs, your kids school grades, or the home you live in. All comparison is, the Bible says, unwise and not showing good sense. We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another, and compare themselves with one another, they do not show good sense. (I Corinthians 10:12 RSV)

How is it unwise? When we compare ourselves there are only two outcomes: pride (we’re better) or insignificance (we’re not measuring up). Neither of these conclusions are good for the human soul. 

If your husband doesn’t know the difference between a wrench and a socket but your neighbor can fix anything, does it bother you? Does his wife bake fresh bread, and your spouse only knows how to run to the bake shop to purchase bread? That stab of jealousy about what your neighbor can do, and your spouse cannot, sets you up for disappointment and the loss of thankfulness for your spouse. 

No one has a perfect partner because none of us are perfect. Comparison will blind you from seeing what and who your spouse is and, at the same time, steal your thankfulness for the partner God gave you!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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