Category Archives: Postmarital

Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Some In-depth Questions Creating a Deeper Dialogue with Your Spouse

I love to ask my wife questions on a date or riding in the car. You have a captive audience and time to process. Not the usual, “How are you doing?” or “Where are we at with our finances?” These are questions that require some time and deeper thought. Questions that provoke a looking back or ahead, at the very least, a more meaningful conversation. 

Here are a few examples:

  • If you could change one thing from our history, what would it be?
  • What has been an unexpected, but good surprise in our relationship? 
  • What slight adjustment might make a big improvement in our marriage?
  • What would growing our love for one another look like to you?
  • What season of our marriage are you glad is over? What season would you love to repeat?
  • In what ways has growing older together strengthened us?
  • Share something that you have learned from me that caused growth in you.
  • If our relationship were to grow spiritually, what would that look like to you?
  • If we could have a dream realized in our future, what would that dream be?

As you hear each other’s responses, try not to jump to any negative conclusion or to assume something is wrong with you or your marriage. Allow time for healthy disussion and then take a minute to pray over your answer. You will touch something important in your relationship and at the same time increase your emotional connection.

And here’s a bonus: I know my love has grown for you because _____________.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Sanctuary of Marriage

Marriage was not some culture’s good idea or the government’s; it was God’s idea. God created this thing we call holy matrimony. From the beginning He said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

If God gives us a gift, it is astounding, inexpressibly perfect and sanctified. Marriage is a generous and holy gift from God. Marriage is a sanctuary of God’s goodness to you and to me. Nothing else in life can match it. It produces family, another gift from God and the backbone of every culture on earth. It produces love and at the same time it produces a mirror to show us ourselves. 

Daily we come face to face with our selfishness, our lack of humility, our need for control, and our uncontrolled emotions. And that’s why marriage helps to sanctify and purify our hearts. It is a process of maturation and it highlights the real us!

At the same time, it’s a safe place. When love is at the center of this union judgment is not, critical spirits are not, and mean-spirited words diminish. Marriage is a place of growth because iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). Marriage is a place of no secrets and nothing hidden so that truth and honesty become our integral position of oneness. 

Change is challenging, but when God is at the center and our mate is praying with us and supporting us in that change, we find comfort. Marriage is transformational to our lives, our families and our futures. Most persons in our lives will not be truthful enough to confront our self-righteousness, but God gave us a spouse to reflect His truth, His love and His healing. 

Marriage helps us to admit we are wrong and that we need forgiveness. Marriage teaches us kindness, patience, gentleness and how to love sacrificially. It provokes a servant’s heart and forces communication to resolve issues. Marriage is a sanctifier that God uses to make us more like Him.

Marriage is a daily opportunity to become more like the Creator of marriage, but it’s our decision to take up that challenge!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

How Do You Define Your Spouse?

My wife and I recently completed another six sessions of premarital counseling with a couple. They’re excited about their future. They have a gleam in their eyes. They are full of anticipation for what’s ahead. And there’s one other special thing we notice frequently. 

This couple tends to define each other with passionate praise. For example, “He’s so observant of my needs.” Or “She compliments me often.” We admire this trait and encourage it.

Meeting with couples in counseling or at marriage seminars we lead, we notice those expressions or definitions seem to change. After some marriage years under their belts, we hear things like, “I have to pick up after him all the time,” or “He doesn’t do this…” The men use language like, “Where did those compliments go?” or “I just wish she would appreciate me for who I am and not who she thinks I should be.”

Where did those attractions, compliments, and praises go? Why does the focus seem to change once we’re married? Are we called to the construction crew of marriage or the destruction crew? Yes, we have faults, idiosyncrasies, unhelpful habits, but we are also maturing, growing, learning about ourselves, and becoming who God calls us to become. This process is lifelong, not immediate.

Perhaps we could begin to pray for our mate while they are in this process. Perhaps we could be reminded that we are also in that same process of change and maturation. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, desired, and anticipated. (Hebrews 11:1) By faith we see our mate as God sees them. By faith we ask our heavenly Father to see our love, appreciation, and praise increase toward our life mate. 

By faith focus more on what we can do and say rather than allowing our minds to be consumed with what we’re not seeing in our spouse. 

Discover that praise motivates far more than criticism.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Prayer, Women

Your Marriage Connection After a Long and Exhausting Day

It’s been a long and grueling workday for him. So many expectations from the boss and those workmates. Some days are way too long even though they’re all nine hours plus a commute. The final straw was the traffic encountered on the drive home and the red lights; why so many red lights?

She’s been wrestling with three toddlers all day long. Could the day become any longer, especially when the youngest simply refused nap time and now can not stop fussing? The young mom can’t wait for “relief” to come through the door. Perhaps then she’ll find the time to get the wash done and clean up the kitchen while at the same time thinking about dinner for everyone.

When she hears the garage door go up, who or what will she see coming through the back door. When he arrives home, that place of solace, will he find peace? Both of you are exhausted and both of you are looking for a breather. The two of you are expecting a hug, a listening ear or maybe even a kiss. You both could use a break, but instead you find a drained life mate simply wanting to lay on the couch and catch their breath.

Rather than being the person everyone would love to come home to, you find yourselves arguing once again. And it’s always over the smallest, most insignificant stuff. What is wrong with us?

You have forgotten how to ready yourself for one another. You have lost that spirit of anticipation. You have allowed yourself and your problems to become bigger than the two of you. Rather than thinking about the love of your life returning home, you’re thinking about how many times you’ve been spit up on and how many messes you have cleaned up through the day. His head is still at work rehearsing the demands of his job and how will he get through another day before the weekend break.

Can you recall when you were engaged and getting ready for a date night? The anticipation was building by the moment. There was no distraction that was going to keep you from one another’s arms. The stuff of life did not get in the way of the two of you. You worked on looking your best, thinking your best, and being your best. Where did all that go and who says it has to leave?

The two of you can get it back. Work at anticipating and being the person your spouse desires, no, longs to come home to. Rather than the typical argument of who is the most tired or how long your day was, be the one who drops as much as possible in order to greet your spouse with a kiss, a facial expression of “I missed you,” and an embrace of “It’s good to have you home!” 

As you work together through the evening, be sure to save time for yourselves. Find an hour to talk and to pray through your day. Create some “us” time so you can hear each other’s heart. Be good to one another and anticipate a daily time of connecting.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Our Marriage Has a Few “Rules”

Well, maybe not rules, but guidelines, commitments, agreements? Anyway, we have agreed upon certain actions that we feel keep us close, connected, and communicating. We want to share those with you. They’re not law, but we do hold a high value on these as a priority to our marriage health. Here are all ten of them:

  1. We pray together every morning and evening. If one of us is traveling, we’ll try to call.
  2. We find one another when leaving the house, kiss and say goodbye. We find one another when returning home, kiss and greet with any necessary communication.
  3. We do not spend more than $50.00 without consulting each other on the purchase. 
  4. The money we earn is not hers or his; it is ours. 
  5. We have written a marriage mission statement and we abide by it.
  6. No yelling or name-calling is tolerated during disagreements. One guideline we maintain is to praise in public and to construct in private.
  7. Conflict must be resolved (or worked toward a resolve) in a reasonable amount of time.
  8. We take necessary time to do a face-to-face communication and catch-up daily.
  9. We share a common faith in every area of life and keep it at the center of who we are as a couple.
  10. When we said “yes” to each other, we said “no” to all others

We’re not a perfect couple by any means, but these “rules” have helped to keep us safe, secure, and connected in the nearly 51 years we have been married. The marriage relationship is built on trust, and trust is maintained through integrity in all areas of our marriage. We love our marriage and we remain committed to walk in love, forgiveness, and honesty. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

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How Good Are You in Bed?

Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom. 

Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?

Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance. 

Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)

Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.

God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.

But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Secrets Have Consequences in Marriage: Confess

Secrets among marriage partners can be devastating. Secrets also have a way of surfacing at just the wrong time and place. 

I was in a meeting some years ago when a husband confessed to an affair in front of others who really did not have a need to know his secret. The wife was embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, completely taken off guard and noticeably angry, but what was she going to say in front of the others? Apparently, her husband thought it to be a safe place in which her response had to be navigated carefully. She was wounded in more ways than one. 

When our spouse approaches us cautiously and says the words, “I have a confession to make” you know the next words out of their mouth are going to be difficult to hear. While confession is important, so is the timing of it. Confession in marriage is necessary and important because we continue to deal with our fallen natures and we make plenty of mistakes. But the timing of those confessions and the word choice used is of utmost importance.

Our confession might already be harmful, so there is no need to compound it with an inopportune time and place. When you do confess, add a full disclosure with complete honesty. Be sure to ask for forgiveness as you apologize and NEVER excuse your behavior. It is not, “I’m sorry, but if you…” When we take full responsibility for our behavior and tell the truth we just might keep trust in the relationship. When we make excuses for our behavior or lie about it, we will most assuredly do damage to the trust we have built. 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

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Listening is a Skill

We pay counselors $150.00 an hour to listen to us: more accurately, you receive 50 minutes. High schools and colleges offer “public speaking” courses. Have you ever been told about or offered a “public listening course?” I haven’t. But listening is a skill and it’s one taught in any counseling program. 

Listening to someone is honoring. It says they are important enough to be listened to. It relates care and concern; and it shares value to the one being listened to. Listening is an expertise learned as one matures in their communication skills.

We all desire to talk and be heard, but marriage is an exercise in listening. We need to really hear what our spouse is communicating, and sometimes not just the words. Communication is first and foremost body language, then tone of voice and finally content. 

The Bible has a lot to say about listening. For example:

“Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand.’” (Matthew 15:10)

“Therefore, consider carefully how you listen.” (Luke 8:18a)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) 

Are you developing your listening skills? If so, your spouse and your children will appreciate it. Your boss at work or your customers will feel like you care. Your Father in heaven wants to speak with you as well. 

We must stop talking long enough to listen.

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How Married are You?

Are you married 50, 60, or 75 percent? Or are you married 100 percent? Would you give your wife free access to your wallet? Wives, would you allow your husband to rummage through your purse?

Do you walk in 100% of trust with each other? Are there questions about total honesty in your marriage? When we have secrets in marriage, our journey of oneness is challenged. When there are secrets present, intimacy in marriage can go only so far. Secrets inhibit closeness and when closeness is inhibited our marriage will be affected by the loss of honesty and truth telling.

When we coverup, lie, or withhold truth in our marriage because we feel shame or we’re embarrassed, we will impair the intimacy we seek. The more we withhold from our spouse, the more disconnected we become. If we find ourselves using phrases like, “If my wife knew about this, she’d kill me” or “Don’t tell my husband what I am about to tell you,” we are damaging what God desires to build in our marriages and we harm the very reasons we are one.

Choose truth and become totally married–fully one! There is no room in marriage for deception or coverup. Go for broke to create a new level of forthrightness and openness while choosing to be fully honest with one another. The dividends are worth the pain and the humility it takes to be married 100 percent.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Demanding Change from Our Spouse

Can you demand change of your marriage partner if the issue is not a sin? 

One of you flies by the seat of your pants and the other takes their time in a methodical manner. One of you stays up late watching TV and the other is in bed reading. One of you needs the details and the other wants the bottom line. 

In our premarital material, we ask couples before marriage how they are different. They actually have to record those differences. It’s funny to see how those differences play out when we get together for our postmarital sessions. Often the differences grow in number. 

These dissimilarities, small and large, can cause frustrations and underlying tensions that build over time in our marriage. But should they? And what would God have to say about these differences that are not sin-related?

Proverbs 19:11 states, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” And Proverbs 10:12 reminds us that love covers over wrongs. 

Demanding change from our spouse is tricky because we must decide whether this is something we can overlook, is it something that love can cover;,or is it sin? If it’s not sin, one can request change but not demand change. 

What’s the secret? Coming to terms with those differences is the place to start. Accepting that we each bring a unique piece to the marriage and both pieces are necessary. Becoming frustrated is my problem and I must own it. Stop insisting on change; you’ll be miserable. Ask God for the necessary change in your life and in your mate’s life (James 4:1- 3). Finally, realize that some things will not change.

One final and favorite scripture that speaks to relationships and change is Romans 15:7: 

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

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