God’s plan has always been that sex remains within the boundaries of marriage. Many years ago, I heard someone say that God’s creative plan also has a counterfeit: sex before the commitment of marriage and no sex afterward.
So, who actually enjoys the best sex and the most sexual frequency? There was an interesting book some years ago called, The Case for Marriage. The authors (Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher) stated, “Married people have both more and better sex than [sexually active] singles do. They not only have sex more often, but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally.”
If that’s true, why is it true? They state four reasons: proximity – a long-term contact with greater investment – exclusivity, a mutually agreeable sex life and emotional bonding – caring for one another outside the bedroom. I would add to that list: knowing each other – likes dislikes and how to serve one another in the bedroom along with the fact that it is the safest sex. Sexual encounters are dangerous encounters. They may be full of excitement initially, but they can be full of worry and anxiety thereafter.
What are some reasons as to why sexual intimacy is inhibited? Well, here are a few:
- Over scheduling and self-depletion
- Lack of communication
- Selfishness, not serving one another
- The lack of non-sexual touch
- Not planning intimacy
- Poor hygiene
- Unresolved conflict
- Not connecting spiritually
- Not respecting each other
- Not maintaining your attractiveness
- The lack of affirming and complementing each other
- A history with “intimacy anorexia”*
What will actually build intimacy?
- Praying together
- Sharing the workload at home
- Date nights
- Weekends away
- Reading helpful books
- Seeking counsel
- Nonsexual touch
- Communicating the desire
- Scheduling sex
Scheduling sex? Yep! We schedule every other life event; why not develop a schedule for intimacy? A schedule helps us to prepare mentally. It helps us to not have our intimacy stolen from us. It helps us to connect and to keep at bay those small arguments that can turn into something larger. Sex is a gift from our Creator and it’s given by Him only to the husband and wife to enjoy.
*A term Dr. Doug Weiss coined. It is defined as the active withholding of intimacy to one’s spouse.