Category Archives: Premarital

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How Good Are You in Bed?

Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom. 

Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?

Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance. 

Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)

Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.

God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.

But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)

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Listening is a Skill

We pay counselors $150.00 an hour to listen to us: more accurately, you receive 50 minutes. High schools and colleges offer “public speaking” courses. Have you ever been told about or offered a “public listening course?” I haven’t. But listening is a skill and it’s one taught in any counseling program. 

Listening to someone is honoring. It says they are important enough to be listened to. It relates care and concern; and it shares value to the one being listened to. Listening is an expertise learned as one matures in their communication skills.

We all desire to talk and be heard, but marriage is an exercise in listening. We need to really hear what our spouse is communicating, and sometimes not just the words. Communication is first and foremost body language, then tone of voice and finally content. 

The Bible has a lot to say about listening. For example:

“Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand.’” (Matthew 15:10)

“Therefore, consider carefully how you listen.” (Luke 8:18a)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) 

Are you developing your listening skills? If so, your spouse and your children will appreciate it. Your boss at work or your customers will feel like you care. Your Father in heaven wants to speak with you as well. 

We must stop talking long enough to listen.

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How Married are You?

Are you married 50, 60, or 75 percent? Or are you married 100 percent? Would you give your wife free access to your wallet? Wives, would you allow your husband to rummage through your purse?

Do you walk in 100% of trust with each other? Are there questions about total honesty in your marriage? When we have secrets in marriage, our journey of oneness is challenged. When there are secrets present, intimacy in marriage can go only so far. Secrets inhibit closeness and when closeness is inhibited our marriage will be affected by the loss of honesty and truth telling.

When we coverup, lie, or withhold truth in our marriage because we feel shame or we’re embarrassed, we will impair the intimacy we seek. The more we withhold from our spouse, the more disconnected we become. If we find ourselves using phrases like, “If my wife knew about this, she’d kill me” or “Don’t tell my husband what I am about to tell you,” we are damaging what God desires to build in our marriages and we harm the very reasons we are one.

Choose truth and become totally married–fully one! There is no room in marriage for deception or coverup. Go for broke to create a new level of forthrightness and openness while choosing to be fully honest with one another. The dividends are worth the pain and the humility it takes to be married 100 percent.

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Demanding Change from Our Spouse

Can you demand change of your marriage partner if the issue is not a sin? 

One of you flies by the seat of your pants and the other takes their time in a methodical manner. One of you stays up late watching TV and the other is in bed reading. One of you needs the details and the other wants the bottom line. 

In our premarital material, we ask couples before marriage how they are different. They actually have to record those differences. It’s funny to see how those differences play out when we get together for our postmarital sessions. Often the differences grow in number. 

These dissimilarities, small and large, can cause frustrations and underlying tensions that build over time in our marriage. But should they? And what would God have to say about these differences that are not sin-related?

Proverbs 19:11 states, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” And Proverbs 10:12 reminds us that love covers over wrongs. 

Demanding change from our spouse is tricky because we must decide whether this is something we can overlook, is it something that love can cover;,or is it sin? If it’s not sin, one can request change but not demand change. 

What’s the secret? Coming to terms with those differences is the place to start. Accepting that we each bring a unique piece to the marriage and both pieces are necessary. Becoming frustrated is my problem and I must own it. Stop insisting on change; you’ll be miserable. Ask God for the necessary change in your life and in your mate’s life (James 4:1- 3). Finally, realize that some things will not change.

One final and favorite scripture that speaks to relationships and change is Romans 15:7: 

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

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Is Your Marriage a Sacred Gift?

Marriage is a gift, not from government, not from culture, not from the church, but directly from God. Marriage is not wholly Christian, as religions all over the world practice marriage. Marriage is a creation act of God. 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24)” That’s it. That’s where it all started in Genesis, the book of beginnings. 

Marriage is sacred. A woman is a gift to a man from God. A man is a gift to a woman from God. It is the only way to understand this institution that our heavenly Father gave to mankind. From this gift, He would enable us to enter into creation ourselves and produce offspring. And that offspring will one day marry and have a family of their own. It is how families grow. It is how cultures grow. It is the backbone of our societies. There is no other design so true and so real.

Marriage is so important that the enemy of our souls has feverously worked to destroy and to counterfeit it. He has handed us separation to see if we should divorce to end it. He has handed us disagreement to bring continual conflict. The enemy has proposed extramarital affairs to break our vows. He has handed to many addictions and to others emotional instability. Still others can succumb to financial issues. The list goes on and it is all meant to destroy a union, a family.

When the destruction of a marriage occurs, there is loss…pain-filled loss. There is the loss of love, the loss of finances, the loss of possessions, the loss of family and friends. The children suffer loss. The parents of the couple suffer loss. Even the family pets have no idea where they’ll end up. 

There are reasons for divorce, but it is a last resort, not the first one. There are reasons for separation, but the goal is not divorce; it is either safety or finding healing and ways to try again. Every marriage is worth fighting for because every life is redeemable and every child needs an intact family. 

Marriage is sacred; two have become one. It is “until death do us part.” Fight for yours. Don’t become lethargic in your marriage. Date your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Plan a Valentine’s get-away weekend. Attend a marriage seminar. Do not listen to the enemy’s voice.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

Therefore they are no longer two, but one flesh…what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6).

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Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Building Trust

It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true. 

All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.

I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely. 

What helps us build trust? Consider the following:

  • Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
  • Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
  • Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted. 

How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?

We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen. 

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
    but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

The integrity of the upright guides them,
    but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)

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Sexual Boundaries When Dating

Sexual boundaries are a hot topic these days. How far can you go before lust and sin are involved? What’s appropriate for a dating couple? When do you cross a line?

I remember covering this topic with my son when he was almost dating age. I asked him to read with me these scriptures found in I Thessalonians 5: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (v 1- 2)” I then asked if he would hug his sister and he said if he was leaving on a trip for a long time. I asked if he would hold her hand. After a squeamish and hesitant look, he said he would if he were helping her across a dangerous intersection. I followed that up with would he kiss his sister. In his mind, now I had gone too far. Finally, after forcing a reply he said maybe on the cheek on a rare occasion. The final question? “How long would you kiss your sister?” His reply, “Dad!?!?…gross!!!”

“So, that’s how you would treat your sister?” “Yes” came their tentative reply. “So, let’s think about that when it comes to dating and God’s word.” The message was hitting home, and he would need to process what his boundaries would be while dating. 

In our book, Called Together, a pre- and postmarital workbook*, we discuss this very subject in chapter one along with a progression of boundaries. The progression of boundaries goes something like this:

  1. Holding hands
  2. Arm around shoulder/waist
  3. Embracing/hugs
  4. Kissing on the cheek
  5. Kissing on the lips
  6. French kissing
  7. Fondling sexual areas
  8. Sexual intercourse

You can literally see the progression as you walk through numbers 1 through 8. This is not just a time wasting exercise, but rather a serious thought to the boundaries you will uphold while dating or during engagement. Why?

3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body[b] and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife,[c]for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before.7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (I Thessalonians 4:3-8 NLT)

When we sin sexually, this scripture relates that we are at the same time “rejecting God.” Sexual sin is also the sin which is against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18). 

What will you accomplish by obeying God’s sexual boundaries in your relationships? Let’s consider a few of those benefits.

  • You will know the blessing of God for your obedience to Him.
  • You will build trust in your relationship.
  • You will be showing the worth and value of God’s daughter or son in your relationship.
  • You will be an example to your peers and one day to your children.
  • You will not have to deal with sexual and emotional hurts before or after you are married.
  • Your sexual commitment in marriage will be far more trust filled.
  • You will avoid pregnancy.
  • Your love and respect for each other will not become clouded with lust and guilt.
  • You will build love, respect, self-control, and patience.

What specific steps can you take to avoid sexual sin in your relationships? Set your boundaries beforehand. Ask God for an internal alarm when nearing that boundary. Develop a key word or phrase that can be spoken by one or both of you that indicates you are approaching your physical boundary. Ask your parents or others to hold you accountable in this area of your life. 

God will honor your faith and obedience, and your marriage sex life will not be full of regret. And one final question: If you’ll allow yourself to be sexual before marriage, why not then also allow yourself to be sexual outside of your marriage?

*Called Together, Asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”

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Getting Married is Easy…

Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort. 

Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime. 

We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!

So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces.  What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news! 

The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?

But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!

I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

(I Corinthians 13:7)

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Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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