Category Archives: Marriage

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Is Your Marriage a Sacred Gift?

Marriage is a gift, not from government, not from culture, not from the church, but directly from God. Marriage is not wholly Christian, as religions all over the world practice marriage. Marriage is a creation act of God. 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24)” That’s it. That’s where it all started in Genesis, the book of beginnings. 

Marriage is sacred. A woman is a gift to a man from God. A man is a gift to a woman from God. It is the only way to understand this institution that our heavenly Father gave to mankind. From this gift, He would enable us to enter into creation ourselves and produce offspring. And that offspring will one day marry and have a family of their own. It is how families grow. It is how cultures grow. It is the backbone of our societies. There is no other design so true and so real.

Marriage is so important that the enemy of our souls has feverously worked to destroy and to counterfeit it. He has handed us separation to see if we should divorce to end it. He has handed us disagreement to bring continual conflict. The enemy has proposed extramarital affairs to break our vows. He has handed to many addictions and to others emotional instability. Still others can succumb to financial issues. The list goes on and it is all meant to destroy a union, a family.

When the destruction of a marriage occurs, there is loss…pain-filled loss. There is the loss of love, the loss of finances, the loss of possessions, the loss of family and friends. The children suffer loss. The parents of the couple suffer loss. Even the family pets have no idea where they’ll end up. 

There are reasons for divorce, but it is a last resort, not the first one. There are reasons for separation, but the goal is not divorce; it is either safety or finding healing and ways to try again. Every marriage is worth fighting for because every life is redeemable and every child needs an intact family. 

Marriage is sacred; two have become one. It is “until death do us part.” Fight for yours. Don’t become lethargic in your marriage. Date your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Plan a Valentine’s get-away weekend. Attend a marriage seminar. Do not listen to the enemy’s voice.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

Therefore they are no longer two, but one flesh…what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6).

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Those Small, Ongoing Irritants in Marriage

We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.

Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”

His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.” 

We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change. 

Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?

First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter? 

There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide. 

I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out. 

And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage. 

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Building Trust

It is said that trust is built on a thin thread. I have no idea where that belief comes from, but for many of us I am sure it is true. 

All relationships are built on trust; it is foundational. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. It takes significant time to build trust, but it takes very little time to lose it.

I have heard people say, “I trust no one.” That must be a difficult way to live. To trust only yourself must be entirely lonely. 

What helps us build trust? Consider the following:

  • Integrity – who we are when no one is looking. Integrity is holding onto a consistent life of honesty in any environment with all our relationships.
  • Honesty – being truthful in all things. Building trust requires, no, demands being truthful.
  • Reliability – are you consistent and reliable? Trust is built when we follow through with our commitments and promises. The more inconsistent we are the less we will be trusted. 

How are you doing in these three areas? Is your marriage full of complete trust? Are you integral in all things and ways? Do you tell the truth even when it hurts to do so? Can others rely upon you and do you hold to consistency?

We all desire to be trusted, to be believed in. That means our intentions are trustworthy and we are transparent when we miss the mark in our relationships. As we earn trust, our relationships will deepen. 

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
    but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)

The integrity of the upright guides them,
    but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3)

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Sexual Boundaries When Dating

Sexual boundaries are a hot topic these days. How far can you go before lust and sin are involved? What’s appropriate for a dating couple? When do you cross a line?

I remember covering this topic with my son when he was almost dating age. I asked him to read with me these scriptures found in I Thessalonians 5: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (v 1- 2)” I then asked if he would hug his sister and he said if he was leaving on a trip for a long time. I asked if he would hold her hand. After a squeamish and hesitant look, he said he would if he were helping her across a dangerous intersection. I followed that up with would he kiss his sister. In his mind, now I had gone too far. Finally, after forcing a reply he said maybe on the cheek on a rare occasion. The final question? “How long would you kiss your sister?” His reply, “Dad!?!?…gross!!!”

“So, that’s how you would treat your sister?” “Yes” came their tentative reply. “So, let’s think about that when it comes to dating and God’s word.” The message was hitting home, and he would need to process what his boundaries would be while dating. 

In our book, Called Together, a pre- and postmarital workbook*, we discuss this very subject in chapter one along with a progression of boundaries. The progression of boundaries goes something like this:

  1. Holding hands
  2. Arm around shoulder/waist
  3. Embracing/hugs
  4. Kissing on the cheek
  5. Kissing on the lips
  6. French kissing
  7. Fondling sexual areas
  8. Sexual intercourse

You can literally see the progression as you walk through numbers 1 through 8. This is not just a time wasting exercise, but rather a serious thought to the boundaries you will uphold while dating or during engagement. Why?

3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body[b] and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife,[c]for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before.7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (I Thessalonians 4:3-8 NLT)

When we sin sexually, this scripture relates that we are at the same time “rejecting God.” Sexual sin is also the sin which is against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18). 

What will you accomplish by obeying God’s sexual boundaries in your relationships? Let’s consider a few of those benefits.

  • You will know the blessing of God for your obedience to Him.
  • You will build trust in your relationship.
  • You will be showing the worth and value of God’s daughter or son in your relationship.
  • You will be an example to your peers and one day to your children.
  • You will not have to deal with sexual and emotional hurts before or after you are married.
  • Your sexual commitment in marriage will be far more trust filled.
  • You will avoid pregnancy.
  • Your love and respect for each other will not become clouded with lust and guilt.
  • You will build love, respect, self-control, and patience.

What specific steps can you take to avoid sexual sin in your relationships? Set your boundaries beforehand. Ask God for an internal alarm when nearing that boundary. Develop a key word or phrase that can be spoken by one or both of you that indicates you are approaching your physical boundary. Ask your parents or others to hold you accountable in this area of your life. 

God will honor your faith and obedience, and your marriage sex life will not be full of regret. And one final question: If you’ll allow yourself to be sexual before marriage, why not then also allow yourself to be sexual outside of your marriage?

*Called Together, Asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”

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Getting Married is Easy…

Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort. 

Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime. 

We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!

So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces.  What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news! 

The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?

But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!

I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

(I Corinthians 13:7)

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Showing Public Affection: PDA

PDA, is an acronym for “Public Display of Affection.” If you’re married, how comfortable are you with PDA? Does it embarrass you? Would you rather not see it, or would you find a smile on your face when you observe a couple embracing affectionately in public?

I had a friend who longed for his wife’s affection while out walking. He simply wanted to hold her hand. However, she was raised by a family to believe public affection was being forward, almost bragging about their marriage in a way that flaunted pride. He tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but she would not relent.

If you’re married, affection is for your benefit, your marriage. To demonstrate your love to one another by affection is a form of maintaining intimacy. Holding your spouse’s hand says, “I got you, you’re mine, you’re safe with me, and I love you!” When we take the hand of a child to cross the street, we’re communicating nonverbally that we’ll protect them, care for them, keep them safe and that they can trust us. Why wouldn’t we want to give that same message to our spouse and to those who happen to catch us in the act?

Help bring security, attachment, affection and love to your spouse with a healthy dose of PDA. Hold hands, kiss and embrace. Your children may make fun at first, but they’ll grow to love you for it!

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Do I Need to Listen More?

Have you ever bristled at those dreaded words, “We need to talk!”? It seems inevitable that something (most times something negative) in our relationship has been given a chance to grow and now we need to take the time to talk it through. 

Only imagine if one of us countered, “I need to listen”?  I have repeatedly shared that colleges offer effective communication courses and public speaking classes, but have you ever noticed them offering a public listening course? I haven’t, and yet people pay counselors $150.00 plus per hour–fifty minutes actually–and feel better just because someone took the time to listen to them. 

How are your listening skills progressing in your marriage? Listening expresses to the person you are listening to importance and worth. It shows willingness to take in another’s perspective. It reduces aggression in a conversation by not being defensive. It shows respect and honor. It helps to create an atmosphere of understanding. 

Listening is a skill and it’s one that will go a long way in marriage. If our mate feels heard, not necessarily agreed with, they will feel valued. Showing value is priceless in a relationship. What we value we will give our time to.

The scripture wisely adds this: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” (James 1: 19-20)

Quick to listen, slow to speak.…

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Ten Essentials to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

As my wife and I celebrate our fiftieth year of marriage, we have learned there are seasons to this union—those that are celebratory, those that seem boring, and those that are gasping for air. From our perspective, here are ten essentials to keep your marriage on track and thriving. I call them the Ten Commandments of marriage.

1. Love God above All Else

To love your spouse, your children, or yourself above God is simply incorrect. Jesus said we are to love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul and then love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:37). We could say that your “closest neighbor” is actually your spouse. Note, however, that loving our neighbor comes after— “and then…”—loving God.

Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? To be able to love another deeply, we must first know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, that we are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse.

Paul says it this way: “No one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). You cannot hate yourself while at the same time claim to love your mate. You and your spouse are one.

2. Do Not Be Self-Consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition leads one to focus on his or her own interests, needs, and desires, often at the expense of others. It reflects immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than almost anything else. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your own greater good, being interested only in yourself, being filled with vain conceit, and not walking in humility.

To the contrary, we are strictly commanded to be like Christ, who became a servant. Even though He was God, He did not chase after that equality but gave up His divine privileges by taking the human nature and giving of Himself to the point of death on the cross (Philippians 2:3-8).

Are you looking for ways to serve your spouse every day? Marriage is not a fifty-fifty deal. It requires a 100% devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we are. This reality has the potential to destroy our relationship but also exposes our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

3. Love Her or Him and Make Your Partner Holy

Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? It is explained right there in the Bible. 1 Corinthians chapter 7 says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one.

You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify, and edify his or her believing spouse. When we become our spouse’s cheerleader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic. This destroys their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate; love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner and ensure that our speech is full of grace (Ephesians 4:15).

Because of the Proverbs 31 woman and who she was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder of his city. As you reflect God to one another, you will build holiness in one another.

4. Play Together

Can you remember all the fun things you did while dating? Are you still laughing together—really laughing? Marriage must be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it.

What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness, and monotony to set in.

Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s workplace, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese food or playing a game that is not too competitive. Watch one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for local happenings that you can attend together—just for fun. Recently, Mary and I attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”

Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them; you will never regret it. Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority (Proverbs 17:22).

5. Honor One Another

Honor one another… now that’s a tough one! Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give him or her your time. That requires giving your spouse priority over yourself, your work, and your children.

Honor is saying that, next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with actions and respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor. If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground, meaningless.

In honor, we pray for and with our spouse regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will build more honor, admiration, and affirmation into your relationship.

6. Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for women. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves as excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor… well, it is just sex. And sex without relationship is lust.

God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has turned sexual intimacy into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment?

Maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

7. Change Yourself First 

Very few people like the word “change.” It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up, or surrender to the will of another. Our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change, and that is what I really want to see.”

I can assure you, it does not work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. In the end, we will resent the one who has required change from us.

Growing up, growing closer as a couple, and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change for the better.

8. Ask God Rather Than Fight 

Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it is connected to prayer.

All too frequently, especially when we are in the early years of marriage, we “know” that we are right. And, if we are right, it automatically follows that our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong, we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one.

If we are one in spirit, then it’s no longer “you” against “me.” In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are already losing. James asks the question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (James 4:1). Fortunately, James also provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2).

Yes, it is really that simple. The choice is ours: fighting and arguing or praying and walking in agreement.

9. Engage in Co-Mission Together

How is God’s wisdom seen in the bringing of you and your spouse together? What are the redemptive purposes for your marriage relationship? What is your “why?”

These questions should lead you to discover what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely, your workplace or local church place has a clearly stated mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created—marriage—also have a mission?

Knowing your co-mission is not difficult. Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group, or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams, and visions for the future. This co-mission statement might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

A marriage mission statement provides the why of your marriage. It is the glue of your calling as a couple and provides commitment to a long-term marriage promise.

10. Use the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage

The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit. They require us to release our ego and admit wrong.

The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal effect. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over, and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them, and speak them to one another, they will be a lifeline of healing and wisdom.

What are these nine most important words in marriage?

I am sorry; I was wrong. Please forgive me.

An apology, admitting we are wrong, and asking for forgiveness is an act of humility. It involves taking responsibility for mistakes. Forgiveness is s gift of God we desperately need to participate in frequently. There is too much at stake in a marriage relationship to not seek and offer genuine, heart-felt forgiveness.

There you have it: ten commandments to a lasting, prosperous, forgiving, loving, honoring, and fun-filled marriage. What a great gift God has given you in your spouse! Thank God and thank your spouse for that gift of love daily.

Learn More about Marriage: a lifelong affair

What’s next for your marriage? Staying Together is a unique book that’s been written by authors Steve and Mary Prokopchak. Whether it’s communication, trust, or sex; money, loss, or mission; kids, jobs, or insecurities, Staying Together has insight on how to navigate waters when they’re rough and better enjoy them when they’re smooth. Now is the time to make sure you’re in a marriage that’s not just surviving, but thriving.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Training, Women

The Power of a Kiss

You’re married and I’m optimistic that you’re still kissing and hugging. If you’re not, can you remember back when that’s all you desried to do while dating or engagement? How frequently are you connecting with an embrace and a kiss?

The Gottman Institute conducted a study on how long it takes the brain to release the chemical oxytocin initiated by a kiss or a hug. Here are the results:

A kiss – held six seconds

A hug – held twenty seconds

That’s it. Now try it. Yes, give it a whirl. Go ahead; give it a try and test the study!

That’s a long kiss and a lengthy hug, but something happens. Perhaps you laughed. Maybe you smiled inside or initially found it uncomfortable. Whatever the feeling, this study proved that couples who continue to kiss, hug and be affectionate live four years longer than those who do not. What follows are some additional facts from their study.

What the six second kiss can do for you

  • It can build a ritual of connection. 
  • It can be a physical connection.
  • If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning toward your partner.
  • It boosts fondness and appreciation.
  • It builds appreciation between you.

And it can:

  • add to your emotional bank account.
  • boost your positives ratio’s.
  • lead to sexual attraction.
  • be self-soothing.
  • reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).

Sometimes words fail us. At other times, we’re just missing each other. The six second kiss and the longer hug will reconnect us. It says, “I still love you, am attracted to you and need you.” You can say more to one another in six seconds of silent kissing, than you can in hour of argument.

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From the First Date to Marriage!

Imagine I tell you that I met the woman of my dreams and on our first date we spent a full day together. We went for coffee, and we talked as we strolled the park. Then we found the perfect lunch spot along the canal front. By late afternoon we had talked constantly and are now holding hands. As a result, over dinner we decided to get married, tie the knot, get hitched!

What are you thinking of me and my first date? What is your immediate reaction, “You’re crazy?” To which I respond, “But you weren’t there; you have no idea of the love we feel.”

Obviously human bonding, relationships toward marriage, cannot occur from one date. It takes time to build a relationship that leads to a lifetime marital commitment.

Now suppose I tell you that I have been dating a young lady for five and a half years without any engagement or promise to marry. What are you thinking? I know I would be wondering if there is any reality for the future of this couple or are they wasting their precious time?

Just because something feels good does not mean it is good. That’s like gambling or playing the lottery. It takes time to build a sustainable relationship toward marriage, in the workplace with a boss or with your neighbor. How do you know that relationship has been built? Trust is at its core.

Without trust, relationships will always feel suspect, tentative or iffy. I cannot say how long it takes to build a trustworthy relationship, but I do know it is longer than a one-day date. We must discover core values, similar or complementary missions and dreams. 

If you’re wondering about your future and marriage, we have a resource to recommend to you. It will walk you through multiple questions to consider, a budget, co-mission, and much, much more. You can find that resource here.

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