Category Archives: Marriage

Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage; We All Have Them

My wife and I often joke that we had a conflict once in our marriage of 47 years so we wrote a book about it. Not exactly true. We’ve had many conflicts, but conflicts do not have to be harsh or out of control. After all, we face conflicts daily in life and we tend to handle them better with complete strangers than we do with our spouse or our children.

Why is that? We have nothing invested in the stranger, but we have everything invested in our marriage and family. 

Conflicts often originate from blocked goals; we are wanting something and not getting it. We may even want something good, but the goal or the need is blocked by something, by someone. What we do at this point is totally up to us. We can bust our way through with anger or we can go silent and walk out. We can pretend we’re not having a conflict and not deal with it or we can become abusive in our response all in an effort to get what we want and when we want it. 

Here are seven suggestions that can help us when it comes to marriage conflicts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scriptures, it also develops character (See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4.). Remember that in marriage our conflict is deeper because our love is deeper.
  2. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or a desire to just bail. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through, the trial and the outcome will be perseverance doing its work (See James 1:4.). Don’t quit and give up; believe for a resolve because the more we learn to persevere through the conflict, the more victories we will experience. 
  3. Keep in mind that whatever we sow, we reap. If we sow anger, we’ll reap anger. If we sow the negative we will be sure to reap the negative. The seed of criticism and name calling cannot produce the fruit of peace or righteousness.
  4. Do not hold onto negative words, bitterness, criticism, or anger because these things will bite you in the end. Peter told us to be considerate in our marriages and to treat one another with respect (I Peter 3:1-9). Jesus never treats us in disrespect, anger or abuse. 
  5. In each and every conflict, be aware of selfish ambition because many of our conflicts arise from a felt need or desire regardless of how another feels. In Philippians 2 Paul reminds us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others [my spouse] better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others [my spouse].”
  6. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8) Love often means overlooking an offense, forgetting, not pointing out failures, not reminding one another of past mistakes, forgiving and keeping no record of wrongs.
  7. Lastly, as conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that might sound far off right now, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have successfully won the battles with.

The number one reason marriages do not make it today is the inability of two adults to respectfully and honorably resolve conflict with each other. Put into practice the points above and you’ll be on your way to resolving conflict. Conflict is not wrong in a relationship, but unresolved conflict certainly is.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Prayer, Women

Wedding Anniversaries – Celebrating our 48th

Our love started out like most couples: young, inexperienced, and some naivety. We spoke our vows and threw ourselves into young love. What we didn’t totally understand was that some of the loving feelings and emotions fade and then love as a lifelong commitment begins. 

That was 48 years ago this month! It’s hard to believe that much time has passed. I had brown hair at one time and Mary, well, she still has brown hair, compliments of Clairol. 

We thought we knew all about love, but we were only beginning to discover how that love would be tested and tried over and over. Honestly, as we look back, it was pretty shallow, but we didn’t give up and love definately deepened over time. 

There were romantic getaways, not so romantic trials, date nights and stretches during child raising years in which we felt like we barely hung on to our shared vision. 

We’re now married long enough to have experienced sickness and health, lack and prosperity, pain and triumph. We have weathered many storms with children, with the loss of parents, and with disappointment from prayers not answered in our imagined outcome. We can look back and give thanks for it is those things that make our love what it is today. Forty-eight years of repeated “I do’s,” 48 years of fun and laughter, 48 years of traveling around the world and ministering the love of Jesus together, and 48 years of praying together. 

Don’t give up on your marriage. Remember your vows spoken to one another, to God and to those who attended your wedding. Remember why God called you together. Remember your mission as a couple and remember young love growing deeper every day into “older/deeper love.”

Jesus said it this way: 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Parents

Courageous Parenting

Godly parenting takes courage–plain and simple. If you were to ask someone what is the most courageous thing they have ever done you would most likely receive various answers, but if you ask me that question I would say godly parenting.

Courageous deeds are often associated with heroes; however, if your heart’s desire is to raise godly children in an ungodly and worldly environment, then you are heroic.

When we establish boundaries about certain TV shows, certain music or certain books, we are taking courageous steps.

When we establish biblically guided rules for our children about what’s right and what’s wrong, then we are taking courageous steps.

When we establish rules concerning standards and the opposite sex relationships of our children, we are being courageous. 

When we teach sexual identity and sexual purity that is in stark contrast to what our culture is speaking, we are being courageous.

When we do not conform to the values of other parents, sticking with our specific family values, we are being courageous.

When we as parents are not viewing pornography and then holding our young children accountable to do the same, we are being courageous parents.

When we teach our children what is acceptable dress, acceptable dating relationships, acceptable Internet use, and give them curfews, we are being courageous parents.

The list could go on, but I challenge you today to be a courageous parent because if you want to see a generation of young people who can withstand peer pressure, who can say no to the wrong they will face, and who can say yes to God, it all begins with courageous parenting.

When we take the easy route or the lazy route to parenting, the battle for our children will be lost. 

They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. (Jeremiah 32:39)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Longevity in Marriage is a Plus

When we see an advertisement that includes, “Serving the city for more than 25 years” or “Celebrating over 50 years of business” we take notice. While so many businesses are looking for hyped up advertising, those with longevity need only their reputation which has been earned over time. 

Are you committed to your partner for the long haul? Are you sowing seeds into your marriage that will breathe life into it for decades to come? As you faithfully invest you will bear fruit in your marriage that can be noticed by others throughout your lifetime. 

Coming back into the U.S. on an international trip, the customs officer asked what was Mary’s relationship to me. She said, “I am his wife of 47 years.” The customs officer raised his eyebrows, looked at the two of us and said, “Wow, you’re REALLY married!” 

Humorous? Yes. Unusual? Yes. Our longevity caught him by surprise, but at the same time he wished us well and many more years as we moved through the line. 

For by me your days will be multiplied, and years will be added to your life. (Proverbs 9:11) 

And if you will walk in my ways, keeping my statues and my commandments, as your father David walked, then I will lengthen your days. (I Kings 3:14)

If you’re a young couple reading this, please know that every choice you make matters for today and tomorrow. If you’re an older couple, do not rest on what was, but continue to pursue life and health for your marriage. The more our marriages mature, the more fruitful they are to become. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Women

Growing Wealth for Your Future

“She considers a field and buys it…” So says the Proverb about the wife of noble character.

We sat in our warm car with freezing cold temperatures outside just after I ran around looking at some mountain ground acreage. I told my wife we couldn’t afford it. She looked at me and said, “This is it. I say we go for it.” Surprised, I thought of the above scripture so relevant to this very situation.

We did buy it and it did stretch us financially (for years), just as it did with the two properties prior to this one.

We were in the middle of eight years of mission work with no guaranteed income. I felt that I heard God clearly say, “Buy land.” Then I came to MY senses and realized with little to no income how does one buy land? We found fourteen acres near us and discovered the owner was willing to take a chance on us and personally mortgage the property. We needed to believe for $114.01 per month in order to make the payment. We never missed or were late with this faith-filled step.

We sold that land at a profit to purchase a second property. Years later we sold that land, realizing a substantial increase, to help us build our present home. Once again, many years later, we purchased the land mentioned above. While there is no guarantee to see increase, God is not making any more land and we have only seen increase in the three investments we made.

Increase comes with wise investments in assets. It may be years before that increase is realized, but there is another Proverb which states, “For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:6)

God is the best banker, lawyer and real estate agent there is. And with Him, we possess an advantage in our investments.

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Challenge, Children, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Having Small Children and Finding Intimacy as a Couple

Oh those little ones with insatiable needs. Let’s face it; you are tired when you finally get them down and find your bed for yourself. Your last thought is intimacy with your spouse. It’s a given.

God gave us sexual intimacy to have children; don’t let that same gift steal romance from within your marriage relationship. 

Mothers have to battle the temptation to allow their small children to steal their loyalty away from their husband. Those long days of responsibility in caring for children or working fulltime outside the home can cause a slow drifting away from the needs of her spouse. In fact, most moms will prioritize the needs of their children over the needs of their spouse–right or wrong. After all, her children can be helpless and her husband is an adult.

Here is the problem. Women can be totally fulfilled in being a mother, nurturing her children. It’s satisfying and it can create a sense of fulfillment experiencing the overpowering gratification of mothering. Moms are made for these moments.

But there is something missing from this formula. While God created you to care for and love your children, He also created you to care for and love your husband in all ways. He can’t be left with feeling like he is competing with the kids. He must know he is a priority to you. A priority as in someday the children will leave home. In fact, they are given to you to leave. Your husband is not given to you to leave, but to stay. He is your life mate, life lover, life partner and life friend.

So, return to nurturing each other once again. Yes, the children will always have needs, but so will your spouse. Nurturing one another is not any less important than caring for your children. 

What are some ways that you as a couple can keep romance alive, even while the children are small and have neverending needs?

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Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Building a Marriage That is Thriving and Lifelong

A special treat today is to give you the opportunity to listen to our most recent podcast with the Larry Kreider Leadership podcast show. On this podcast we discuss marriage issues from our book, Staying Together, Marriage: A Lifetime Affair.

We love doing this kind of thing together and we hope that you can derive many insights from this podcast. It is our pleasure to share it with you. Happy listening and be sure to give us your feedback.

Steve & Mary Prokopchak on Building a Thriving and Lifelong Marriage
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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Women

Love for a Lifetime

They were married for 53 years when his wife passed. 

But this coach had a lot more numbers to his name. He coached the UCLA Bruins to ten NCAA basketball titles – seven of those ten consecutively. He won 88 games in a row, almost double any other coach at his level. He had four undefeated seasons. He had nineteen conference championships. His career spanned over 40 years. And in that time, he had one wife.

Sports Illustrated magazine featured this coach’s exploits, but something about his marriage intrigued me. Even though he lost his life mate in 1985, Coach John Wooden sat down every month on the twenty-first and would write his wife, Nellie, a love letter. He would tell her how much he missed her and how much her love meant to him. When he finished writing he would fold up his piece of paper and add it to the stack, a mounting collection tied together by a yellow ribbon gently placed on her pillow.

So there’s one other statistic to add to John Wooden’s stats, “devoted husband.”

What will it take for you to reach 40 to 50 years of marriage to the same woman or the same man?

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Training, Women

Couples, Financial Differences and Discovering Why We Differ and Argue

It is said that the number one and most frequent argument in marriage is about money. My wife and I struggled early on with our differences when it came to the use, the saving and the spending of our finances. But, after eight years of mission work we discovered that we could fight and argue about money or pray and agree for our needs. Both methods are powerful. 

However, it took us even longer to get to the root of our differences. It is in this vein that I would like to share how those differences are important, can be valued and embraced to make better financial decisions along the path of finding financial agreement. 

See if you see yourselves in any of the points made below.

  • Financial differences are about differing expectations (good and not so good) and our insecurities around money. Does money provide security to us and in what ways? Are our expectations and the use of money different than our spouses? Work toward making those differences a plus and not a negative. We need to ask ourselves how do our financial differences strengthen us as a team? For example, my wife was more of a giver than a spender. We needed to ask ourselves how giving helps our overall financial picture.
  • Differing values – one wants to save and one wants to purchase.When is just saving negative? When is just purchasing negative? Saving for savings sake loses its focused goal of saving for a car or a house down payment. When we agree to save toward a goal, we find unity in that decision even with differing financial values. Purchasing simply for spending can be habitual or even addictive with huge losses realized down the road.
  • False beliefs must be confronted. For example: “If you possess a lot of money, you do not argue about money.” Is it money itself or is it differing beliefs about money that we’re arguing about?
  • “Spenders” are also investing, not just “savers.” They are often investing in family fun, the marriage, their children, or toward vacation. Imagine a vacationless, not-so-fun family. And, as mentioned above, sometimes spenders are really givers. They love to bless others with gifts because it’s a part of their love language.
  • Learn to value choices with money that moves your heart in giving, in sowing, in investing. Allow your partner to invest in what moves them and, at the same time, takes finances.
  • Work toward honoring what the other person cares about. Give one another an allocation to spend, give, save and invest toward their thing, their passion. It’s why you agree on an amount and an allowance for each other. This is not without accountability, but allows for far more freedom for each partner.
  • When you have a financial difference, be sure to enact James 4:1-3, pray and ask God in sincerity together!

As you grow through the financial differences, honor one another, and come into agreement by embracing what your marriage partner brings to the table, the arguments will decrease and you will discover more and more agreement in how you save and what you purchase. Further, the older you become, the less you need and the more focused you will be on giving to others!

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

 Marrying Young and the Surprising Changes in the Beliefs and Boundaries of Marriage Today

In my many years of studying, researching, writing, interviewing and counseling in the pre- and postmarital realm, I had little hope I would see secular research come to agree with so many of my findings and beliefs. But the proof just keeps showing up in article after article.

My belief, without waver, is that premarital experiences directly relate to our marriages and that pre-marriage sexual experiences harm the marital experiences of life as a married couple. In the recent past the typical sequence to marriage went something like this: dating, sex, cohabitation, maybe children and then marriage.

Sex and cohabitation before marriage

Psychologist Galena Rhoades PhD and Scott Stanley in an online article titled Before “I Do,” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults, now questions this contemporary view of how family life begins in our society. She believes that every serious relationship has certain milestones, like the first kiss to actually coming to a definition of where the relationship is going. She unequivocally states that about 90% of couples are sexual before marriage according to one study (Diner, 2007). She also states that most couples live together before marriage (Copen, Daniels, and Mosher, 2013).

But then she writes this, “Many of them have sex with multiple partners before finding the person they will eventually marry. Do premarital sexual relationships relate to later marital quality? Yes and no. It depends on who you are having sex with. Men and women who only slept with their (future) spouse prior to marriage reported higher marital quality than those who had other sexual partners as well. This doesn’t mean that sex before marriage will doom a marriage, but sex with many different partners may be risky if you’re looking for a high-quality marriage.” 

Dr. Rhoades makes this eye-opening conclusion, “We generally think that having more experience is better [in life] but what we find for relationships is just the opposite.”

Multiple experiences with multiple partners sexually is now actually linked to marriages that are worse off and that having a long history with cohabitating may actually cause you to devalue your spouse. 

Marrying young

Brad Wilcox, a director of the National Marriage Project and Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article on how marrying young (by young I mean early 20’s) and without cohabitating “seems merited.” He wrote, “Our analyses indicate that religious men and women who married in their twenties without cohabitating first–have the lowest odds of divorce in America today.” Read that last sentence again, please.

What is it that the author of this study suspected as to why the success rate? “We suspect one advantage the religious singles in their twenties have over the secular peers is that they are more likely to have access to a pool of men and women who are ready to tie the knot and share their vision of a family-focused life.”

It has been believed and practiced for decades that a college education with a lot of dating, partying, fun, one-night stands and living together and then finally career all came first before settling down with a commitment to marriage. The statistic of living together (70%) before marriage is scary high. But Professor Wilcox wrote this, “But the conventional wisdom here is wrong: Americans who cohabit before marriage are less likely to be happily married and more likely to break up.” In fact, he says that couples who do cohabitate have a 15% more likely chance of divorce than those who do not.

Milestones in dating and pre-marriage days in a couple’s life means something because decisions mean something. We can remember when our spouse first spoke the words, “I love you.” We can recall where we were when we became engaged. We either loved or endured premarital counseling, but it was another milestone, a decision we made for us and our success in marriage. 

Forty-Seven years of marriage 

Over 47 years ago my wife and I abstained sexually out of total love, commitment and respect for one another–keeping for marriage what belongs only to marriage. We did not cohabitate because we knew this one act reduces the chances of a healthy lifelong marriage. We had a large wedding because we wanted others to celebrate with us, hold us accountable and enter into our joy of oneness. We went on a two-week honeymoon dropping out of life as we knew it to simply work on becoming one. We did not know one another intimately (sexually) prior to marriage, but we discovered the joy of purity meeting purity night after night.

It was not a college education, financial security, sexual experiences or age that helped to create these milestones, it was love for God and a desire to obey His truth. We were married in our early twenties and we continue to celebrate milestones in our marriage. We look forward to celebrating the milestone of half a century of marriage in the not-too-distant future.

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