Category Archives: Training

Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Training

Dealing with the Dys-ease of Stress

                                         

It is seemingly unprecedented and unimaginable that the whole world could be experiencing an inordinate amount of stress today. While stress affects each of us differently, the article that follows is an attempt to address this everyday human emotion in a reasonable and biblical way.

Disease is a word we often use to describe an illness, an impairment of some kind.  The prefix of the word is actually “dys,” which means “not.”  We could say that a disease is when the body or the soul is literally “not at ease.”  Stress and worry create mental, emotional or physical tension.  What occurs when this tension is ongoing and is generated many hours over a course of many days?  Some medical practitioners believe our bodies attempt to absorb this tension; however, the body is not built to handle long-term stress and will eventually begin to break down. 

Proverbs 12:25 rightly reveals that an anxious heart weighs a man down. A good question to start with could be, “What are the areas of my life that I normally find myself becoming worried, stressed or anxious about?”

Francis Chan in his book, Crazy Love said, When I am consumed by my problems – stressed about my life – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Somehow the stuff in my life is exceptional.  Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.

To simplify this thought, Mark Batterson in the book The Circle Maker asks, “Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems?”  

The Psalmist David actually requested of the Lord to check his heart for anxiety in Psalms 139:23 where he asked God to, “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Why did he want God to do this?  David knew that anxiety and stress puts a limit on our belief and our ability to trust God.

Seven causes of stress 

  1. A state of worry and a high need for control: In Luke chapter 10, Jesus looked at one serving Him and expressed, “Martha, Martha…you are worried and upset about many things.”  If the Lord looks at you and says your name twice, you know you’re about to hear some “better change your life” words.  I think Jesus was saying, “Relax, Martha, be who you are, but trust me.  I can provide; there is a time for everything.”
  2. A lack of faith:  We can become anxious when we lack faith for our needs. (See Matthew 6:25-30.)     
  3. The loss of boundaries (also connected to the loss of control) provoking insecurity:  If children feel safe, they will venture away and explore.  If children are feeling insecure, unsafe and worried, they will cling to their parents. How were you trained as a child?  Were you trained to be worried, to be in fear or to be friends with anxiety?  Were the boundaries unsure, leaving you to find your own boundaries?  Was your home and your family a safe place or a place full of the unknown and unexpected? 
  4. Not knowing the heart of God as your heavenly Father:  Psalms 46:10 tells us, “Be still, and know that I am God.” When we do not know the Father’s heart toward us, we will never be able to be still.  Until we discover the truth of what our Father is thinking of us, we have every reason, perhaps, to be in a state of worry. 
  5. A lack of trusting God:  Did you know there is a “Do not worry” command in the Bible? Psalms 37:1-8 commands us to not fret, but trust, delight, commit, be still and refrain from anger. At the core of anxiety is a lack of trust, perhaps learned from the lack of boundaries; the lack of loving parents; not knowing the truth of faith or not walking in the revelation of the love, acceptance and approval of God.  Scripturally, to walk in fret, worry and stress is to walk in the absence of trust.
  6. A lack of protection and security:  When I was a child, we not only had fire drills; we had bomb scare drills.  It was the height of the cold war and Americans feared the Communists would drop “the bomb” on us at any time.  In primary school, we were prepared for this as the teachers instructed us to place our heads under our desks.  Those were some pretty powerful desks!  As adults, we still need protection, thus we have laws to govern our societies and boundaries in the word of God enforced by loving leaders of faith – spiritual moms and dads. When husbands fail to protect and understand the principle of protection, wives will find themselves dealing with anxiety. If we as men are not walking in the governmental authority the Father has called us to walk in, we might be standing by and becoming a direct cause of anxiety within our family.  When we as husbands and fathers hear from God and act in a scriptural manner of godly authority and covering, our wives and our children will be less anxious, more at peace and more secure. 
  7. When fear overrides faith: Where fear is present, love is absent.  Where there is a presence of love, fear is absent.  The two do not dwell together in any sense of harmony.  Listen to Job 4:14,” Fear and trembling seized me and made all my bones shake.” An actual physical manifestation of fear was present. I John 4:18 reveals, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  

How can we define anxiety? It is a state of uneasiness; worry; an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. Here is an excellent biblical definition: Deuteronomy 28: 64-67 says, “And the Lord will scatter you among all peoples, from one end of the earth to the other, and there you shall serve other gods of wood and stone, which neither you nor your fathers have known. And among these nations you shall find no respite, and there shall be no resting place for the sole of your foot, but the Lord will give you there a trembling heart and failing eyes and a languishing soul. Your life shall hang in doubt before you. Night and day you shall be in dread and have no assurance of your life. In the morning you shall say, ‘If only it were evening!’ and at evening you shall say, ‘If only it were morning!’ because of the dread that your heart shall feel, and the sights that your eyes shall see. This scripture gives us a pretty descript picture of anxiety.  As well, Proverbs 12:25 reveals that an anxious heart weighs a man down.

Considering some answers to stress and worry

I am convinced the answer to stress and worry is found in one word: trust. Here are some ways to grow trust in your life.

Worry takes the place of prayer:  We cannot worry and pray at the same time.  Worry says I have to do something about the circumstances while prayer says I cannot change circumstances, but God can.  That’s why the scripture is so clear to us in Philippians 4: 6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  And what does God say He will do?

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (we won’t understand how we can have peace in the midst of a storm – just as Jesus slept through one), will guard your heart (that area David wanted tested) and your minds (the area where worry lodges itself to take the place of trusting God) in Christ Jesus.” (v.7)  There is no peace in a state of worry.

Trust – How to build and grow trust vs. growing anxiety

  1. Know God’s word and implement it into your life – (Implement = meditate, memorize, put on 3×5 cards, post it on your mirrors, write it down over and over and pray the scripture into your spirit) Sample scriptures:  Jeremiah 17: 7,8; Psalm 37: 1-8; Psalm 46: 1,7,10; Isaiah 41: 10,13; Luke 10: 42; Luke 21: 14; Matthew 6: 25-34; I Peter 5: 7 – “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” Knowing God’s word has a calming effect.  To discover God’s thoughts through meditating on His word will allow our spirit to speak His thoughts to our mind.  If we go to a scary movie we’ll observe people screaming and lowering themselves in their seats.  If we go to a violent movie people can become agitated.  If we listen to music we label as irritating, we will find ourself becoming irritated. Anxiety breeds anxiety; wrong thinking breeds wrong thinking.  Read and meditate on the truth of God’s word and it will calm us, reduce stress, bring life and build Christ. 
  2. Anxiety and worry are basically built on the lesser story while God might be working on the greater story.  We tend to get all worried when we do not have the finances for a bill that is due – lesser story.  God may be using that present lack of finances to build faith for the greater story of His provision.  We tend to worry and become self-consumed when our car will not start and we begin to tell ourselves that if our car won’t start, we’ll be late for work and if we’re late for work we will have our pay docked or our boss will be upset – lesser story.  God purposely has our car delayed in starting because He is protecting us from an accident on the highway – greater story.  What does it boil down to?  Trust. Do we trust Him in all areas of our lives even when life is unpredictable? 
  3. Obedience to God’s Spirit of Truth – Is it disobedience to be filled with anxiety and not trust God?  (Remember worry says, “I trust me” while faith and obedience say, “I trust God.”)  We must come to this conclusion or we’ll never be serious about change. John 14: 15 reveals that He knows how much we love Him by how much we are willing to obey Him.  
  4. We change from our spirit to our mind and not our mind to our spirit – Romans 8: 5-9 tells us we are spirit, soul and body.  Lasting change is made by God speaking to our spirit and then our spirit revealing to our mind the necessary changes.  It is not our mind to our spirit.  We need God’s Spirit in our spirit controlling our minds and not our minds controlling our thoughts, emotions or actions. Information and knowledge will grow our minds.  Nutritional food and exercise will grow and keep our bodies in good health.  But when the truth is received in our spirit by His Holy Spirit, our belief system begins to change.  How does that happen? 
  5. From changed belief to changed behavior – Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Feelings (reactions) -> Actions. This unique formula describes what Romans 12:2 teaches us, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Are we telling ourselves the truth?  Often anxiety is built on a lie. That lie housed within a memory has been with us so long that we can actually begin to perceive it as truth. How does it work? It works through the law of attribution.

The law of attribution is simply that which we attribute to be stressful, anxiety-filled will be!  Sometimes this is built on truth, but more often it is built on a lie. I once met with a counselee who was fearful to drive over bridges, afraid the bridge would collapse. Was this fear built on truth?  No, but deep within his memory bank it was a truth to him from a negative personal life experience. Anxiety is a present feeling or reaction because we tell ourselves anxious thoughts or believe lies that create anxiety. Let me add that not all stress is negative.  Sometimes we feel stress and it motivates us to complete a task or to not look at a pornographic picture. It is a signal and what we do with it is up to us.

6. From fear to faith and trust – We must settle Romans 8:15 in our hearts, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And we cry Abba, Father.”  A spirit of fear is not from God. (See II Timothy 1:7.) One day Jesus and His disciples got into a boat to cross a lake. A storm came and began to sink the boat while Jesus slept. The disciples cry out for the Lord to help them and He calms the storm and then says,” Where is your faith?” In other words, why fear, have faith.

Psalm 112:7 reveals, “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  Why?  Verse eight tells us, “His heart is secure; he will have no fear…”  

Anxiety is up to us.  It is our choice.  There are levels of anxiety – some more severe than others.  We can go to a doctor’s office for medication.  Medication will treat the physical and mental manifestations, but it will not treat the core beliefs, the memories or the lies. 

Someone once said that, anxiety is not trusting God for your future and depression is not trusting God for your past.  Obviously, it’s not that simple, but God desires to teach and reassure us so that we can trust Him for our past, our present and our future.  There are no anxious ways within Him or His kingdom.  If he has everything under control and we are His, then at the end of the day we can pray, cast all our worries and anxious thoughts upon Him and go to sleep. (See Psalm 4:8.) I just don’t see God in heaven wringing His hands in total anxiety while mumbling, “Oh my word, what am I going to do now…are you kidding me…how can I get through this mess?” 

Armed with a bit of truth and perhaps more faith, look back over your list. Are our anxieties comprised of areas in our lives that have not occurred as yet? Most anxieties that we walk in never materialize. Can we pray over this list and give it all to our heavenly Father? 

Standard
Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Parents, Training

What Are Your Goals in Parenting?

Do your children have the best, most stylish clothing? Are your children playing a sport twelve months out of the year? Are they attending the best schools? Are they applying to the best universities or working at well-paying, highly respectable jobs? 

I think we lose our vision for having children sometimes as they compare themselves among their peers and as parents do the same. Too many parents are living their lives vicariously through their children today. Too many parents think that things and stuff or more activity is what their children need. Too often parents feel that giving their children what they didn’t have somehow justifies always saying yes. 

But listen to what Deuteronomy 6:2 says, “That you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands…” Where is the best place for our children to learn this? In our homes, around our dinner table, or when putting them to bed at night. Your home is to reflect something so much bigger, so much more important than the things mentioned above. Children who receive and then who walk in a godly legacy will be the best hope for the world around them. 

Parenting is a sacred calling, a full-time job, a place honored and created by God. It’s a place to advance God’s kingdom. There is a biblical precedent to walk in this calling to the very best of our ability. It is not how much money a family has; how large their house is or how many toys and electronics kids have but rather how much of God is present in the home. 

If we fail to train our children to love and serve God, then our children will live life without God and that’s a scary place to be for anyone.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Training, Women

Couples, Financial Differences and Discovering Why We Differ and Argue

It is said that the number one and most frequent argument in marriage is about money. My wife and I struggled early on with our differences when it came to the use, the saving and the spending of our finances. But, after eight years of mission work we discovered that we could fight and argue about money or pray and agree for our needs. Both methods are powerful. 

However, it took us even longer to get to the root of our differences. It is in this vein that I would like to share how those differences are important, can be valued and embraced to make better financial decisions along the path of finding financial agreement. 

See if you see yourselves in any of the points made below.

  • Financial differences are about differing expectations (good and not so good) and our insecurities around money. Does money provide security to us and in what ways? Are our expectations and the use of money different than our spouses? Work toward making those differences a plus and not a negative. We need to ask ourselves how do our financial differences strengthen us as a team? For example, my wife was more of a giver than a spender. We needed to ask ourselves how giving helps our overall financial picture.
  • Differing values – one wants to save and one wants to purchase.When is just saving negative? When is just purchasing negative? Saving for savings sake loses its focused goal of saving for a car or a house down payment. When we agree to save toward a goal, we find unity in that decision even with differing financial values. Purchasing simply for spending can be habitual or even addictive with huge losses realized down the road.
  • False beliefs must be confronted. For example: “If you possess a lot of money, you do not argue about money.” Is it money itself or is it differing beliefs about money that we’re arguing about?
  • “Spenders” are also investing, not just “savers.” They are often investing in family fun, the marriage, their children, or toward vacation. Imagine a vacationless, not-so-fun family. And, as mentioned above, sometimes spenders are really givers. They love to bless others with gifts because it’s a part of their love language.
  • Learn to value choices with money that moves your heart in giving, in sowing, in investing. Allow your partner to invest in what moves them and, at the same time, takes finances.
  • Work toward honoring what the other person cares about. Give one another an allocation to spend, give, save and invest toward their thing, their passion. It’s why you agree on an amount and an allowance for each other. This is not without accountability, but allows for far more freedom for each partner.
  • When you have a financial difference, be sure to enact James 4:1-3, pray and ask God in sincerity together!

As you grow through the financial differences, honor one another, and come into agreement by embracing what your marriage partner brings to the table, the arguments will decrease and you will discover more and more agreement in how you save and what you purchase. Further, the older you become, the less you need and the more focused you will be on giving to others!

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

Seven Key Leadership Lessons Learned

Early in our marriage, my wife and I served as missionaries for eight years. Looking back, here are a few lessons we learned that may also be applicable to your life today.

1. Calling vs. a ministry or a job. When God calls us to something, we

do not leave when it gets tough. Hirelings leave when the road becomes

too rocky for their comfort, but “called-out” ones do not leave until that

same Voice that called them speaks again in order to move them on to the new. (Isaiah 50:4)

2. Faith is at the core of all you do and think. Without faith it is impossible to please God or anyone else for that matter. Faith makes a way for your

leadership. Your faith will be tested. (James 1: 2, 3)

3. Critics will always be present if it’s a true calling. Your critics will assure

you that you are on the right path. They will come from outside you and

from within. You must listen to them, consider their words, pray and move

on about the Father’s business. Critics will come from the community when

you are attempting to do something for God in your community. Critics will

force you to hear God and refine the vision. (Luke 6: 9)

4. Never stop looking forward. If you keep looking back, focusing on your

mistakes you will inhibit your gain. Never stop imagining, dreaming and

praying toward that end. Do not lose your thankfulness or you will begin to

focus on what you feel God is not doing rather than what He is doing. (Isaiah

43: 18, 19)

5. Your insecurities will surface under pressure. When the pressure is on

your insecurities, your immaturities and your self-preservation will surface.

Recognize this fact, face them and ask the Lord to heal, restore and rebuild

you from the inside out. Pressure produces good things if we allow it to.

Pressure is not wrong; it’s how we deal with the pressure and what we tell

ourselves about the pressure. (Mark 8: 34, 35)

6. Trust is greater than understanding. You will not understand all that

happens in leadership and you do not need to, but you will need to trust your

Father in the process. Trust in God and knowing that He knows everything

that is going on is essential. He makes no mistakes and He is totally aware of

all you are experiencing and feeling. (Proverbs 3: 3-6)

7. Relationship testing will always be present. Often it is not who you are

serving, but rather who you are co-laboring with. Healthy relationships are

a key to any work to succeed. Those relationships will be tested, put through

the fire and some, no matter your effort, will be lost. It is those lost

relationships that hurt and wound the most. (II Peter 1: 5-9)

There you have it, seven keys. Which one or ones are you presently working on in your leadership call?

Standard
Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Parents, Training

Rebellion in Our Hearts

Rebellion in our hearts or in the heart of a young person is never attractive. It is born out of resistance. And while there may be good causes for acts of resistance, a rebellious heart is often closed to change, closed to reason and closed to correction. (See Proverbs 13:1, 18; 15:10.) 

Rebellion has a main ingredient that travels with it: pride. A pride-filled heart will lead us into rebellion, because at its core it is the act of defending ourselves, our thoughts and our actions, be they right or wrong.

Having been a rebellious teenager and having a rebellious teenager does not make one an expert, but it does afford certain observations. (See Proverbs 17:25.) If we are astute enough to recognize our own heart or the heart of a child, rebellion can be addressed. 

Consider these four causes of rebellion:

  1. When rules and regulations are strictly enforced through a spirit of legalism, often rebellion is an end result. Love is absent in these types of relationships or at the least, not spoken and/or not felt.
  2. Rebellion can be an attempt to separate through resistance from family members like parents, siblings or bosses.
  3. When one engages and relates with other rebellious persons, the influence will be difficult to overcome. It will force an alignment with the group’s rebellious words and actions.
  4. Wanting all authority to lead one’s own life without the ability to take on all responsibility will foster rebellion. Often teenagers desire all authority to make their own decisions but since they cannot take all responsibility, that authority cannot and should not be fully given.

Since Genesis chapter three, rebellion is found in the human heart and detected even at very early ages. It was mankind’s desire to do it his way. We were created to live in the perfection of a Genesis one and two world by God, but when we chose to rebel we found ourselves in a fallen, Genesis three, sin-filled world.

It was God’s heart to place mankind in a perfect garden, a perfect world with perfect relationship and by Genesis chapter three, God giving us choice, we chose to disobey. That disobedience caused a separation from our Creator and now thousands of years later we still suffer the consequences of wanting our own way, outside of God’s way. (See Proverbs 21:30.)

If we are rebelling against God or His written word, we are emphatically saying our way is a better way or, we think we know better than God knows. Those thoughts reek of pride. (See Proverbs 18:12.) We are saying to God, “I want all authority over my life.” And here is the strange thing about that: God will let you have it. There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death (Proverbs 14:12).

And you will be one miserable human being, quickly coming to the end of yourself. That’s the thing about rebellion: it is building a wall of separation, a wall that closes oneself off to input and a wall that stunts personal growth. It’s your wall, you’re in charge of it and you’re in control. It’s dangerous and it will become disastrous. (See Proverbs 16:25.)

If we sense any rebellion in our heart, we need to give up. Surrender. Leave selfish desires. Leave selfish ambitions and give our thoughts and actions to God, asking Him to shape our heart toward His. 

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Training

Are You a Thief? You Might be Surprised

I was sitting in a training meeting recently and found myself thinking about robbing God, of all things. I was considering ways that I might be involved in theft and may not even be considering it as a theft. By theft I mean stealing from God or others for my own selfish desires/gaines vs a loving adherence to God’s word and His desires. Further, I was asking myself if I am in any kind of self-deception, i.e., not seeing what God sees. I’ll let you work through the following scenarios in order to ask yourself the same questions.

You might be stealing if…

  • You’re not giving your employer 100% for what you’ve been hired for and are supported for.

(See Colossians 3:23, 24.)

  • You are not claiming on your tax return the “under the table” income you receive.

(See Proverbs 10:2.)

  • You’re withholding from your spouse financially, emotionally, romantically, sexually or spiritually.

(See Ephesians 5:25-28 and I Corinthians 7:5-7.)

  • You are not giving away and/or equipping others in what God has gifted to you.

(See Ephesians 4:11-13.)

  • You are withholding your tithe and offerings and not sowing seed financially.

(See Malachi 3:8, 9.)

  • You’re living with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

(See Galatians 5:19; I Corinthians 6:18.)

  • You’re avoiding fellowship and commitment to a local church, robbing yourself and others from fellowship with you.

(See Hebrews 10:25.) 

  • You’re not lovingly sharing your testimony with others so they can hear the good news of Jesus.

(See I Peter 3:15.)

  • You walked away from the store with too much change and did not return it.

(See Mark 10:19.)

  • You are failing to spend daily, quality time with your Savior and His word, the Bible.

(See Matthew 13:1; 14:23; Mark 1:35.)

Maybe there are areas you can think of which are acts of theft either passive or more obvious. Integrity certainly connects to what we’re doing when no one is looking, checking up on us or following through with accountability. God has so much more for us. Living life in any of the above ways is living a life that is far beneath what God has for every one of us on this earth. 

Please take the time to look up and read the above scripture verses. Let me end with this verse: He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with is own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.  (Ephesians 4:28)

Standard
Challenge, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Training

Learning Psychoanalytic Therapy

Going through the books on my book shelf in my office I came across an old college book with writing assignments still stuffed neatly inside. I tossed the book, but kept the assignments to peruse them–interesting reading from the 1980’s.

There were all the different counseling approaches studied with practice assignments placing you with a counselee while using that particular psychoanalytic method. Professors threw at us as students tons of stuff to wade through like early childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, sexual impulses, unconscious factors, transference, disassociation, etc. It was like baking a cake with differing recipes and then trying to find the one you really liked and wanted to serve to others. 

Professors underlined words, placed checkmarks and wrote “OK” or “Good” at the end of the assignment. I was a dedicated Christian and my approach wasn’t always welcomed, even though professors pushed equality, diversity of thought and openness, nonjudgmental attitudes and acceptance. But as a believer, I rarely felt the same from them. I was not free to express my Biblical perspective.

I wasn’t offended, but seeing and feeling so much inequality, all the while equality is being taught seemed disingenuous at the least, feeling attacked at most. In one paper I wrote, “My values would be those closely related to the Christian ethic. Being a Christian will influence me in that it is impossible for me to hide those values or exclude them from a helping relationship. I know I will expose those values without imposing those values on my clients.” The doctor of psychology professor did not agree with me. 

But that was years ago. My degree was completed, followed by 25 plus years of counseling. It was an era of my life that I enjoyed and embraced. Psychology simply means the study of the mind, but who is the One that can truly understand the mind? Who has the answers to each and every issue in life and who brings healing like no other counselor? There is this One who predates psychology by a few years.

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulder. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

How to Provide Critical Input and Feedback

I’d venture to guess that most of us like talking more than we like listening. Counselors are paid to listen, but for the majority of us, we’d rather express our opinion versus listening to another’s. 

Having written a number of books and plenty of articles and published well over 600 blogs, I have, without trying, widely opened the door for feedback, push back, criticism and opinion. When I write something like a book I embrace the input of others, their corrective feedback and their helpful, critical eye. Using what I call pre- readers makes for a better book. Having hand-selected persons who I know will read the material and will also be willing to give me honest and fair input is invaluable.

By the time a book goes through editing and then proofing, being scoured for theological correctness and cultural sensitivity, etc., the author is ready to be done with it. This process can take several years and can be somewhat grueling.

Our first widely published book, Called Together, was featured in a magazine article about methods of premarital counseling. It was great to see it featured and to read the positive article about its effectiveness. One month later came the letters to the editor. While most were positive, one was extremely negative. It was obvious the writer of the letter never read the book, but those toxic and inaccurate words were already out there and I could not retrieve them or add a rebuttal. 

The same is true with online reviews where books are sold. While many are positive, there are those who criticize your work and give you one-star ratings for the most trivial things. Once again, authors cannot provide a rebuttal or even go on the offensive to somehow set the record straight. You have to learn to take the good with the bad and not lose sleep over it. 

Articles and blogs are somewhat unusual because it’s much easier to be critical of these than it is a book, primarily because of their shorter length. My experience with this type of writing is a bit different. Let me explain.

Negative responses from your audience might begin with a question. You, the author, do your best to provide an answer. This then provokes another question or two which are often not related to your response to their first question. You once again attempt to not be defensive, take the question as sincere and provide an answer. Now the tone begins to change and you begin to pick up that the questions were leading and a ruse for what is to come.

The next expression is pushback and criticism of your written piece. If you as the author continue to try and respond, the critic can easily become venomous, strongly opinionated and letting you know rather loudly that they are right and you are clearly wrong. The whole thing begins to break down and starts to feel really bad.

The worst part is this is normally not a person who when reading your many blogs or articles ever writes back with a positive comment or word of encouragement. This type of person is waiting for you to slip up and wander off into one of their sacred cows. And this criticism from the critic whose only goal is to prove you wrong by their expertise or life experience, is really to ridicule you and tell you how wrong you are. It is typically pretty unfair, undesired and often unprovoked. 

Most likely there will be nothing productive from the conversation and it will become more and more toxic along with the possibility of it also becoming anger-filled. 

How should we respond and give critical input to an author?

There are respectful and acceptable steps we can take that do not create further offense, hurt and anger. Let me share a few helpful steps with you. These are steps that I have incorporated into my life as well.

  1. Know your boundaries. Stay within your field of ministry or expertise. (See II Corinthians 10:12-18.)
  2. Earn the right to speak into another’s life and what they write. If at all possible, make sure of the health of the relationship first. This builds trust which allows truth to be spoken without taking offense.
  3. Thoroughly read what is written. Do not allow a word in the piece to cause you to emotionally react. Try to be sure the author is saying what you think they are saying and do your best to not only read words but to hear their heart.
  4. Find the positive. What can you agree with and then include this in your comments.
  5. If you don’t understand something, then humbly ask the author for further clarity. Perhaps you are misreading the piece.
  6. Questions to the author that are leading in nature will be picked up by the author and you will be setting yourself up for a defensive response. Stay away from leading questions. These are questions with an agenda attached to them, e.g., “You don’t really mean what you are saying about ______, do you?”
  7. Give your input through your experience or knowledge humbly. The author will receive it when it is felt that it’s coming from a genuine experience and a genuine heart of humility.
  8. Do not keep the dialogue going beyond one or two responses. It just gets defensive after that. If there is disagreement, let it go.

You can do all these steps without being defensive or argumentative. A know-it-all response will come across as not legitimate, but rather arrogant.

When responding, keep these verses in mind:

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col. 3:12-14)

 6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Col. 4:6)

I hope this will help to give improved and more gentle responses in a sincere effort to be a builder in conversation keeping the admonishments in mind from the above listed scriptures.

Standard
Challenge, History, Issues of the Day, Training

General George Washington Learns About Forgiveness

During the days of the Revolutionary war, Rev. Peter Miller served as the pastor of Bethany Reformed Church in Ephrata, PA. Later he left the German Reformed church to become a Seven Day Baptist minister. This move provoked the ire of one man, Michael Widman.

Miller was a talented and highly educated man. Thomas Jefferson actually requested that Miller translate the Declaration of Independence into seven different languages.

The Ephrata Cloisters

Michael Widman was also a resident of the town of Ephrata and he developed a hatred for Rev. Miller. Widman was a deacon at the Reformed Church and Rev. Peter’s withdrawal caused a notorious and frequently noticed hatred toward Rev. Miller. Widman’s abuse included punching him and spitting on him. Miller never spoke an evil word against his enemy.

Mr Widman owned a tavern in Ephrata and one evening was loudly boasting of his loyalty to the British cause. Little did he know there were two American spies in the tavern that night who heard his treasonous words. The men attempted an arrest and Widman escaped out a back door.

Widman ran to the British army looking for protection and offered to spy for them. Later Widman was caught, court-martialed and convicted of treason against the colonies and sentenced to die by hanging.

Rev. Miller was personally acquainted with General George Washington, as Washington had first met him at the Ephrata Cloisters. After Miller had heard about the sentencing of his personal antagonist, he arose early in the morning and walked seventy miles through the snow to find General Washington at Valley Forge, PA. After Washington heard Miller’s request for a pardon for Widman his response was a firm no for his “friend.” “My friend!” said Miller. “I have not a worse enemy living than that man.”

“What?” exclaimed Washington. “You have walked seventy miles to save the life of your enemy? That, in my judgement, puts the matter in a different light. I will grant you his pardon.”

From the scaffold Widman remarked, “There is old Peter Miller who has walked from Ephrata to have his revenge gratified today seeing me hung.”  

Rev. Miller raised the pardon in the air and commanded the execution to halt. Miller and Widman walked together back to Ephrata as friends and neighbors.

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  –Jesus

Happy Father’s Day to every one of you who are fathers! May we “raise the pardon in the air” to all thse around us who are in need of forgivenss and our love.

Standard
Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Training

Have You Surrendered?

Surrender. It’s an interesting word. In western culture, it can be a negative word because it means to give up rights, to yield, to relinquish control or comfort. These are all things we hold onto tightly, often for self-preservation.

To give up control for some is terrifying. We cling onto power and control in order to have some sense of oneself having legal standing, political standing, religious standing or just human rights standing. 

To be in total control of our lives literally means to perceive oneself as knowing better than God. To walk through life in this way is to worship the idol of self. The Commandments told us to worship no other gods but the Lord God and yet we often persist in demanding our rights, e.g., it’s my body, it’s my life, what I do behind closed doors is my business, etc. To be in total control of one’s life is a scary place to reside. How so?

  1. You can only trust you. 
  2. You dare not surrender your rights to anyone for anything.
  3. You are pressed to ultimately decide your own fate.
  4. You must hold back emotions so as to not be out of control.
  5. You must be suspect of any input.
  6. You must control or avoid any life-changing decisions and the persons initiating or provoking those changes.

In an avoidance of surrender, you must control all input, all process and all output from your life. It is an exhausting way to live. Mentally you are forced to stay ahead of everyone, you are continually second guessing those around you, perfection becomes your go-to process in order to avoid the loss of control and your rights must, at all cost, remain front and center. We see this exemplified all around us in our culture today. 

Enter Jesus. Jesus, the Savior who asks you to give up control. Jesus, the One who says to relinquish control to Him–all control. It’s no longer your money, your will, your sexuality, your political side or your self-gratification. Jesus requires surrender. 

For me to say, “I give up my rights to __________” goes against everything my flesh desires. But isn’t that what Jesus did on the cross for you and me? He gave up every right as the Son of God, Creator of heaven and earth, Creator of you and me in order to surrender His life willingly. He didn’t surrender to get something, He surrendered to give something–salvation to all of mankind. We surrender our lives to Him in order to give our lives to His kingdom. 

When we surrender our passions, our careers, our bank accounts, our pain, our lust, our children, our marriage, our employment and our sin to our Savior we are not losing control, we are gaining freedom from control. 

Do you desire true faith? Surrender.

Do you desire liberty? Surrender.

Do you desire freedom from sin? Surrender.

Do you desire freedom from yourself and your own control? Surrender.

When we surrender to Jesus, not just as our Savior, but as our Lord, we are saying that we are done with all of our self-efforts of power and control. We are finished with self-preservation. We are through with addictive behaviors leading us. We are done becoming angry over those who we perceive as annoyingly different from us. When we surrender control, we can let go of controlling and manipulating others to be who we thought we needed them to be. 

When we fully surrender control, we will find an intimacy with the Father like never before. The more we surrender, the more freedom we’ll experience. 

Marriages in which both partners stop trying to control the other are happy and fulfilling marriages. Relationships minus control are liberating and peace-filled. 

Are you willing to die to control so that you can experience the freedom that comes from trusting God?

Standard