Category Archives: Encouragement

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

5 Ways to Identify Growth In Your Marriage

Occasionally it’s good to evaluate our marriage progression. Today I want to share five ways in which we can identify marriage growth and maturity. Don’t be discouraged if you feel overdue in any of these areas; just realize maturity does take time and personal revelation for change.

 

1. Seeing the need of your spouse as more important than your own need. Number one is a sure-fire indicator of a maturing self-concept. To move toward the need of another before your own provides a clear sense of good will, pure heart, wisdom and, not the least, servanthood.

 

  1. Celebrating, embracing and enjoying your differences. When you stop fighting over your differences and start realizing your need of one another’s gift mix, a significant hurdle in a marriage relationship is realized. Embracing the difference for the good of the whole is an amazing and freeing team concept. We all married someone different from ourselves and when we learn to embrace those differences as a positive, we will experience tremendous growth in our marriage relationship.

 

  1. Seeing the need to work on personal wholeness rather than wishing or demanding your spouse change first. It is often said that you cannot change anyone but yourself. Marriage brings truth to that statement like no other relationship. When you realize it’s you that needs to grow, to change, to mature, you reach a healthy state of mind.

 

  1. Realizing you are best friends. You are in that place of desiring to serve and help one another. You are one another’s safe place. You trust each other explicitly. You share the honor and respect you both desire and deserve.

 

  1. Asking God first. You have come to the place of releasing demands and expectations of each other as you have learned to simply ask God – pray first. You have come together in prayer, knowing there is Someone to whom you are accountable and are in desperate need of for continuing marital growth.
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Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Parents

Growing a Childs Self-esteem

Maggie has never had a problem with her self-image.  She loves life and makes the best of every minute. She loves people and believes that they all love and accept her unconditionally.  Maggie has never stared into a mirror and felt hopeless. She’s never even desired to look at herself in a mirror and make any kind of judgment.  She is perfectly content with who she is, what she wears, the shape of her body, the color of her eyes, the size of her nose, and the shape of her ears.  Maggie blindly trusts in her Creator.  She is content to be who she is. You see, Maggie is our yellow Labrador Retriever.

There is a lesson in Maggie’s self-acceptance. Maggie is loved and accepted for who she is as a part of our family. She doesn’t need to perform for us. Does she always obey and not get into trouble? No. But her disobedience has never changed the fact that we love her, and she knows it. Neither has it changed how she sees herself. Maggie does not compare herself to the other dogs that wander into our yard. She’s never put herself on a diet because of a fear of losing her wonderful figure. She’s not even concerned about belching or the breath that comes from never brushing her teeth. Maggie is secure in just being a dog and knows her significance to our family.

Early in life children are quite similar. They can look in a mirror and see only good.  Children believe what they’re told.  If I tell my daughter 3 + 3 = 6, she’ll say, “Okay Daddy, 3 + 3 = 6.”

If her older brother tells her the next day that the sum of 4 + 2 = 6, she’ll disagree, because the day before she was told that 3 + 3 = 6. Your pre-school children think in a one-dimensional manner. They do not think abstractly. They cannot decipher truth. They only know what you tell them.

A child receives his self-image through how he perceives the adults in his life perceiving him. When I tell my daughter that she’s beautiful, she will believe that she is beautiful. You see, someone who is very important to her, someone she can trust, someone who is bigger, older, wiser and stronger told her something about herself, and she has no reason to not believe it.

Obviously, the opposite is true. If I, as a parent, tell my children they’re stupid, dumb, bad, worthless, or they have no value, they’ll believe those things and act accordingly. Today we would call this emotional abuse. Years ago it was simply punishment through shame or keeping children “in their place.”

The first stage of a child discovering his worth is through the eyes of those who are important to him. The second is similar but has more to do with performance.

It is not long until we as parents expect things from our children.  We expect them to do their chores, keep their rooms clean, and finish their homework. When they do, we may reward them. When they don’t, we’re sure to let them know about it. Expectations are not wrong; chores are not wrong; rewards are not wrong; and words of correction are not wrong. What is wrong is if you develop within your child this formula:  accomplishment + performance = approval/reward.

God has expectations of His children, but it is not our performances or our accomplishments that gain His approval. God is perfect, yet He is not into perfectionism. In our mere existence, He approves of us.

Let me illustrate. When you brought your newborn son or daughter home from the hospital, did you expect anything of him or her? Did you say, “Here’s the refrigerator; when you’re hungry go ahead and grab a bite to eat”? Of course you didn’t. You expected to do everything for this child without return. It was lots of hard work and sleepless nights. In this baby’s mere existence, you approved of him or her. You had no expectation of performance. That baby, without earning it, had your approval.  Likewise, in your mere existence before God, you have His approval.

When your child begins to relate his or her performance to your approval, he begins to equate what he does as more important than who he is. Ask anyone who felt that he could not perform well enough to meet his parents’ standard, and he’ll tell you that he did not feel good about himself.

If we as parents are relating self-esteem to what our child accomplishes, we are wrong. God is not a harsh taskmaster who only gives His approval when we accomplish something for Him. Before Jesus began His earthly ministry, before performing one miracle, or sharing His first sermon, His Father said to Him, “…this is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” What was He pleased with? What had Jesus accomplished?  Even before Christ began His public ministry, His Father affirmed Him and spoke His unconditional love and acceptance to Him.

The answer to a child’s self-esteem is not a high-esteem. The answer is a God-esteem. Your love, acceptance, and approval of your child must eventually translate for him into knowing his heavenly Father’s love, acceptance, and approval.

How is this accomplished? I must correct and reward my children. It’s a part of life. However, I must differentiate that while reward and correction have to do with behavior, it is never a question that I love and accept their personhood. In their mere existence, they are important to me. I always approve of them as individuals. They can never do anything to not be my children. A verse in Colossians, chapter one, will help to explain this principle. Verse 21 tells us that we were at one time alienated from God—even in our minds, because of our evil behavior. “But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation…”

Can you grasp that you are “holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation”? Can you instill these words of truth in your child? This is an esteem not based upon performance or accomplishment but based upon what Christ has done.  It’s a God-esteem!

Note: If you would like this article in tract form you can order it here.

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day

Contentment Is Now, Not When

Maybe you already know this, but I’m in my sixties. Seems a bit weird to even write that line, but I love this stage of life; it has a certain…appeal to it. You get to hear the statement, “I already gave you the senior discount.” I also hear this comment all too frequently, “Your wife looks younger than you.” To which I normally reply, “Yes, she does, but she’s actually older than me.”

 

So, yes, I’m old(er), but I also have to tell you, I am content and the benefits of contentment far outweigh discontentment. Discontentment brings with it distrust, unhappiness and the lack of feeling settled. There is this overall sentiment of…someday. Someday I’ll have what I need. Someday I‘ll be comfortable. Someday I’ll get to travel. Or, someday I’ll have that dream job.

 

To be in a perpetual state of discontentment is like fishing everyday and never catching a fish; there’s just something missing. You read the book, bought a rod and a reel, have the correct bait, but nothing seems to be working. It’s a proverbial irritation, a low-lying discomfort.

 

Discontentment is fueled by comparison as you continually find yourself coming up short or feeling insignificant. In discontentment you have a closet full of clothing, but it’s always one suit short. Discontentment means you’re never driving the car you really want to drive (I mean that literally and metaphorically).

 

Decades of life do not bring contentment; they bring experience and wisdom, if you’re pursuing maturity. There’s this realization that things, all things, take a back seat to satisfaction and acceptance. Contentment knows when enough is enough and less is more. Contentment cares less about the gift and more about the giver. Contentment is the importance of a personal note in your Hallmark card or the text message that simply reads, “I love you.”

 

“Contentment is now, not when.” That is the word of revelation God spoke to me one evening while driving home from my office many years ago. I choose contentment today over discontentment. My Father has given me everything I need and I can trust Him for everything needed in the future. Contentment is the state of my heart.

You too can choose to live in contentment in 2018. It’s a brand new year with brand new opportunities.

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Children, Encouragement, Parents

A Special Christmas Video For You

For my Christmas blog I decided to share with you my grandson’s favorite Christmas video.  I hope you enjoy it as much as he does, because he insists on watching it over and over and over.  Maybe you won’t watch it repeatedly, but I trust you’ll enjoy the Christmas message it brings.

Thank you for a wonderful year of responses to what I have written on a weekly basis.  I do enjoy your feedback and look forward to a brand new year of sharing with you. Have a very merry Christmas with you and yours.  Enjoy the celebration of the birth of our Savior!

 

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership

How Important Is It To Take a Sabbatical?

Should we wait until our leaders are experiencing physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion in their lives before we develop a sabbatical policy for our local church or ministry? In a New York Times article titled, “Taking a Break from the Lord’s Work” (Aug. 1, 2010), Paul Vitello wrote, “Members of the clergy now suffer from obesity, hypertension and depression at rates higher than most Americans. In the last decade, their use of antidepressants has risen, while their life expectancy has fallen.”

Leaders are failing and quitting at alarming rates. Do they need proper financial support? Yes. Do they need vacations? Yes. Do they need time with their families? Yes. But, is this enough? Could these failures be a direct result of depleted spirits, drained emotions and not enough rest? Could the lack of healthy recharging today have something to do with those untimely failures affecting so many lives?

Leaders burn out and leaders need intervention. Leaders get into unhealthy life patterns in order to serve others and miss out or set aside certain godly disciplines that will help to maintain their personal health. A two to three-month sabbatical can change that when the right plan is attached.

For Biblical insights into a plan, how to take a sabbatical and the four-step process of a healthy sabbatical, see or recommend the book, The Value Of A Sabbatical, Refocusing Your Life for a Healthy Future. You can order it here.

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day

What God Delights In

Quite a number of years ago I fell in love with a couple of verses found in the Old Testament from the prophet Jeremiah. This man of God heard the Holy Spirit whisper in his ear these words:

This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on the earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.

 This verse often surfaced in counseling sessions. It often came to mind when I thought I accomplished something. And it made an appearance from my spirit when personal priorities seemed a bit awry. I am unsure how these verses hit you, but our boast cannot be in our wisdom, our strength or our riches. These are areas that this world looks to first and in a desperate attempt, hopes to develop a psychology of acceptance, approval and identity.

While God gives us certain gifts and abilities, what He truly desires from His creation is that we know and understand who He is. He is the One who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness in each and every one of our lives.

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Prayer

Remember in the Dark What You Learned in the Light

Over decades of suffering from the disease of glaucoma, my 94-year-old father is now completely blind. Of course, it is a life challenge, but I have learned something through his blindness that applies to my spiritual life.

Having had sight, he was familiar with his surroundings and that’s helpful now that he is blind. He doesn’t see, but he knows where everything is in his house. He is familiar with the setting and remembers how to “see” and get around even though his world is dark. He knows where every wall is, where every chair is located and how to get to the refrigerator or use the bathroom. He knows these things from having walked in the light.

When life feels dark or prayer seems to go unanswered, remember what you learned in the light – remember where and how to walk. Don’t let the darkness you feel fool you; it’s only temporary. Keep moving and “see” in the spirit because we walk by faith and not by sight.

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

Helping You Help Others

I’ve dedicated and spent most of my adult life in some form of counseling profession, e.g., foster parent, group home leader, social worker, marriage and family counselor and overseer. My foundational basis of counsel has always been the word of God. The truths found in this book have radically changed my life from the inside out, so why wouldn’t these same truths change the lives of others? And it is on that basis that a number of years ago I put together a book that lists those scriptures and connects them to specific areas of need.

We called it, Counseling Basics, Helping You Help Others. In it we look at the roots of issues in our lives. We consider the counseling process – the process of change. Then we cover specific areas like: depression, stress, co-dependency, anger and emotional wounds. Chapter after chapter lists scriptural responses to more than a dozen areas that affect most of our lives or the lives of those we love and care about.

The truths of the scriptures never grow old, never loses their power and are never outdated. You can trust these truths for yourself and in helping others. I love God’s word and I trust that you do as well. It is more current than tomorrow’s newspaper. After all, The Counselor authored these words of counsel.

You can find and order this book here.

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Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Leadership

Is Judge Roy Moore Guilty?

Is Judge Roy Moore guilty? Yes, he is. But then, so are you and I because we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God. I do not know about any current accusations against him, but I pray he tells the truth for his sake and for the sake of the women who are accusing him.

I bring this topic up because this blog is less about the currently accused and more about how we are living our daily lives. There are accusations being leveled against so many presently in the US and it seems that almost daily a new story spreads to the nation through the press. It’s difficult to imagine, but in each report the accusations could be decades old.

Time doesn’t change sin or misconduct, it only delays the inevitable — it will surface. So here is the first warning: How we live our life today will affect our integrity tomorrow. Someone once said that it takes years to build a reputation of integrity and only minutes to destroy it. Sin always has a way of surfacing. “The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.” (Proverbs 10:9)

Secondly, know that the ungodly in this world do not like your integrity and will desire to destroy it. Why? Your righteousness reminds them they may not be walking in truth and righteousness. Proverbs 29 says this, “Bloodthirsty men hate a man of integrity and seek to kill the upright.” (V. 10)

One more Proverb worth mentioning, “ The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.“ (Proverbs 11:3)

It seems wrong to be guilty until proven innocent, but innocence is a very rare commodity today.

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Children, Encouragement, Parents

That’s You; That’s Me in His Sight

I was recently able to spend the greater part of a week with my newest grandson, Phoenix. Yep, my baby girl had a baby boy and she is a GREAT mother to him.

Young Phoenix is helpless and that’s how God gives new life to us as parents. God places these precious ones into our hands and we have to teach them in every conceivable way, helping them to thrive. The only thing Phoenix really knows to do and do well is to cry. He has discovered that crying gets attention and attention is what a newborn desperately needs.

I couldn’t help but watch my daughter’s love and joy around this little guy, mothering him, happily doing everything for him even when it’s 4:00 AM. She told me in conversation, “All he does is sleep and eat, poop and cry and we LOVE him.”

I remember those days…perhaps you do as well. To love someone so much and yet the only return you get, you desire, is that they breathe the breath of life. Your acceptance of them is based not on their performance, but on their mere existence.

That’s you; that’s me in the Father’s sight, before we accomplish anything He loves us, approves of us and treasures us. We are His “treasured possession.” (See Deuteronomy 7:6)

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