Category Archives: Issues of the Day

History, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Premarital, Women

Those Many Wedding Traditions and Why We Do Them

Weddings can be similar around the world, but why is it traditional to have wedding bands, to throw rice at the newly married couple or for the bride to wear something old and something new? These are a few of the wedding traditions we accept, but most likely have no idea of their origination. 

Here are eight of the most popular traditions with an explanation of why they exist.

  1. The couple stays apart the night before and the day of the wedding until the ceremony.

Marrying for love is a relatively new concept. Many marriages of yesteryear were prearranged by the families. Not seeing each other prior to stating their wedding vows was a precaution for one of the two getting “cold feet.”

2. Something old and something new.

In the mid-19th century, the objects shared from others were to bring the bride good luck and also served as a hope for early pregnancy. 

3. White wedding dresses.

It was Queen Victoria who wore a white gown at her wedding in 1840 when most gowns at that time were red. Soon white became the color for brides because white was considered virginal and pure and an emblem of innocence. 

4. Groomsmen and bridesmaids in a wedding party.

It has become a way to honor your friends and family members. But in Roman culture, these persons became the couple’s witnesses, bodyguards, and preventing intruders from intervening in the wedding ceremony

5. “Speak up now or forever hold your peace.”

Have you ever wondered where this phrase originated from? It was a standard question at one time in order to prevent bigamy. Some churches even required the forthcoming wedding plans to be announced three times to be sure that neither bride or groom to be were already married.

6. Sharing wedding rings.

Historically, most couples did not exchange rings so this practice is fairly new. It was more of a custom for the woman to have an engagement ring so that all would know she is “under contract” or betrothed. Jewelers began to popularize men’s rings and by the 1940’s it became socially acceptable that men would wear a wedding band.

7. Tossing rice or birdseed at the newlywed couple. 

The Romans thought it best to toss wheat at the couple as a sign of fertility. In Europe it was thought that rice was that sign. Other cultures use oats, peas and other grains. But contrary to popular belief, throwing rice which is eventually picked up by the birds will not injure the bird. 

And one more…wedding cake.

8. Saving the top layer of your wedding cake.

It wasn’t about celebrating on your first anniversary; it was more about the birth of your first child. Happy couples who were able to be successful at starting a family were to celebrate by using the remaining wedding cake for their first child’s christening. 

There you have it: eight traditions that can be found at most modern weddings and the why of those traditions. So the next time you’re at a wedding, you can share your knowledge around the reception table with people you don’t know!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Why Pre- and Postmarital Counseling?

You’re engaged and on your way to “Happy ever after.” 

Now begins the work of planning a wedding day, a reception and a honeymoon. It is thought that wedding days take up to 200 hours of preparation or more. Think about all that goes into that day: venues, photographer, videographer, flowers, invitations, music, ceremony planning, reception, clothes, and list after list.

Funny thing though, none of these things help to create a better marriage or a more solid foundation. That comes from participating in couple-to-couple premarital counseling. Premarital takes place before you say “I do.” It is foundation building for topics like: communication, conflict, finances, sex, extended family, facing different scenarios, creating tools that help you preventatively.

Marriage is a covenant to a lifetime commitment. We need to receive every possible aspect of prevention that we can. Any investment into your relationship, any seeds sown for personal growth and counsel will be reaped in the years ahead. 

Will you have children, how many, and how will they be educated? Where will you live and will you be able to visit your parents? What are your anxieties concerning marriage? Have you crossed sexual boundaries before marriage and what can we do about that? 

Premarital counseling helps to build a solid foundation and postmarital counseling offers the reality check-ups, reviews, help with present struggles and questions. It should be provocative by nature so that growth occurs and marriage can be embraced in a greater measure. 

Through counseling your love can grow to new heights as you objectively face issues in your relationship. It is an opportunity to be honest, open and vulnerable as you have help offered through your pre- and postmarital counselors.

Finally, if you’re looking for a resource that provokes conversations and gives practical, life-building exercises chapter after chapter, here is our book, Called Together. It asks you the challenging questions before and after you say, “I do.”

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Women

Allowing Those Around Me to Define Me

Attempting to be who or what others feel we ought to be is dangerous. We have all dealt with thoughts like these or imagined expressions from others. I just recently experienced a 93-year-old person tell me they could no longer go to church because they now need to use a walker. I assured this person that no one would judge them or look down on them for using a walker. In fact, I told her no one would even care, they would be so glad to see her. She looked at me and said, “I would care; I would be embarrassed.” 

Wow, even at that age we care about what others may think of us or how we perceive they may be perceiving us?

Let’s define what I am describing as, “I don’t know who I am, so I’ll allow another to define me.” When we do this either consciously or unconsciously, we are allowing another to define who we are and that definition may not be anywhere near accurate for who we’ve been created to be. 

When we fall prey to this level of self-thought, we are actually inhibiting God from expressing to us how He sees us. We’re missing the mark by giving in to either peer pressure or a negative view of who we are. 

You and I were not created to bear the image of anyone else other than who the Father says we are. Henry Nouwen said it this way, “Spiritual identity means we are not what we do or what people say about us…we are not what we have. We are the beloved daughters and sons of God.”

In the book, Identity: The Distinctiveness of You I wrote, “It is not an option to be an image bearer, but it is an option as to whose image we bear. To bear the image of the One who created us can never be accomplished by mere human thought, balance, personal effort, blood, sweat or tears. It is received. An unworthy human vessel is baptized in the love of God, the truth of God, the Spirit of God and the character of God in order to reveal the image of God.”

We are image bearers. Whose image do you desire to bear?

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Issues of the Day

Why America Celebrates the Fourth of July

It was a battle for liberty and individual freedom. There was a conviction that government was from God and there was a deep desire for freedom from the largest earthly power of its time, Great Britain. 

The new settlers believed that the Law of Nature and the law of revelation were greater than any human law. The theologian William Blackstone wrote about the establishment of the Law of Nature as, “The doctrines thus delivered we call revealed of divine law, and they are to be found only in the Holy Scriptures…no human law (or government) should be suffered to contradict these.” 

The Colonists agreed and saw that the new laws and restrictions being forced on them by Britain as a hinderance to God’s plan for America. The fight against Great Britain was their belief that America was God’s divine plan and a seven-year war was in belief of an independent America.

Noah Webster said, “The religion which has introduced civil liberty is the religion of Christ and His apostles, which enjoins humility, piety, and benevolence; which acknowledges in every person a brother or a sister, and a citizen with equal rights. This is genuine Christianity, and to this we owe our free Constitutions of Government.”

The 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence suffered greatly. Five signers were captured by the British and tortured before their death. Twelves signers had their homes burned. Several lost sons in the revolutionary war. Nine of them fought and died from wounds in the war. They were lawyers, farmers and merchants dedicated to an independent America.

These men had a new life in a new land with security and wealth, but they valued their liberty. Together and with one voice they pledged, “For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.”

Thank you, God, for a republic. I pray we can keep it.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Is Marriage the Answer to Pornography Use?

Many young men and women often believe marriage will be their answer to a porn use problem. If you viewed porn as a teenager, porn use will not stop in marriage. While there may be times of reprieve, it will remain a temptation. 

Having sex in marriage as it was designed by our Creator, provides no guarantee that when you are stressed, when you need a quick fix or when married life is not working out as expected that you will not return to pornography. It’s addictive; highly addictive and it’s a false counterfeit to the real. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women often feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can negatively affect her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.  

Let me say something personal to the casual or the constant viewer. By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are learning to see and treat women as a sex object. You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself. And then you excuse it and rationalize it. You tell yourself it’s not that bad, just a quick look, it’s a natural desire and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God. 

It is not ok with God because it is a counterfeit of what God lovingly gave to you. It is false intimacy and it will steal from you real intimacy. Check out these verses: Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.  As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. ( I Peter 1:13-15) 

It is said that 50% of young girls are viewing porn also. All of the above is true for you too. It will have a negative effect upon your marriage and your loving husband. Not only that, but for husbands and wives who struggle you are passing down this sin to your children. 

Repent and confess porn use to God, to your pastor today, be accountable and find resources, counselors and groups that will support you toward freedom.

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History, Issues of the Day, Prayer

Atheism and the Most Hated Woman

It was 1963 and the U.S. Supreme court would vote in an 8 – 1 ruling that it was unconstitutional for public schools to require Bible reading. At the time, there were many states which mandated daily Bible reading and prayer. The infamous Murray vs. Curlett case involved what would become a high-profile woman by the name of Madalyn Murray O’Hair. 

O’Hare’s claim was that her son, William, was “bullied” because he did not want to participate in the daily Bible reading in his school. Having won the case elevated O’Hare to be profiled in Life magazine and then begin TV interviews. She was vocal to criticize any public reading of the scripture like the Apollo 8 astronauts on Christmas Eve in 1968. 

O’Hare stood for sexual freedom for adults and children. She was the head of the American Atheists. As the leader she said she welcomed being the “most hated woman in America.” But that’s far from the end of the story.

O’Hare’s son, William, became a Christian believer. His mother said she would have him committed to an insane asylum for doing so. William told his story in his book, My Life Without God. In that book he described how his mother hated her father and wanted to poison him to death. How she had multiple affairs. How she inflated the member numbers of the American Atheists and many other unscrupulous dealings. 

In 1995 O’Hare disappeared. Her body was later discovered in Texas having been caught up in a financial scam and in an attempt to flee the IRS. It wasn’t a happy ending of a life dedicated to winning converts to atheism and changing U.S. laws to align with her beliefs. 

We will always bear the consequences of the seeds we sow as believers or as nonbelievers. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature from that nature will reap destruction… (Galatians 6:7,8)

I am reminded on a daily basis of what I say, what I teach, what I write is subject to scrutiny from others, but mostly I am concerned and accountable to God for what I sow, desiring to reap from good seed.

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography, Singles

God, You Love Me and My Sexuality

Every one of us are far more than our sexual desires dreams and feelings. These areas of life do not define us. I have heard plenty of horror stories after twenty plus years of personal counseling. Let me share one of those with you.

I can recall Lisa’s story that resulted in severe anorexia. While her story and her pain were true, she was acting out self-destructive behavior, starving herself to death. If I would have merely affirmed every feeling that Lisa had, it would have been cruel. Further, if I would have commented that her self-perception of being obese was right in an effort to validate her feelings, I would have been both unprofessional and dishonest. 

When our sexuality becomes who we are or how we express our identity, we will be disappointed. It is an expectation that sexuality cannot deliver because our sexuality is only part of our whole being. 

To pursue an identity in our sexuality for the purpose of obtaining self-esteem will also ultimately disappoint. Having the attention of someone sexually may empower for a movement, but that moment will end quickly. It is as well detrimental to look for our identity in the sexual realm because it’s the popular thing to do. Often high school and college age students are pursuing sexuality in this way in an effort to feel popular. 

Every day we choose to either obey God in our sexuality or to not obey Him. It can be a temptation as great as being unfaithful to our wedding vows or a temptation to view pornography. We each have a choice to make. Either God’s grace is sufficient or we determine it not to be. Deciding to pursue our sexuality God’s way and within His boundaries might mean a cross to bear for some, but it will lead us into an eternity of God’s pleasure because of our obedience vs our pursuit of a temporary pleasure.

(For a more thorough look into this topic see the book Identity, The Distinctiveness of You here.)

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Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun

A Lifetime “Limited” Warranty

I bought a high-end swinging door to access my deck after the last one made of wood rotted. (Apparently, they don’t make wood like they use to.) I mean I pulled out all the stops to purchase the best door money could buy, guaranteed to never need replacement. And to top it off, the new door came with a “Lifetime Limited Warranty.”

I don’t know about you, but “lifetime” seems like a loooooong time to me. Within less than twelve years my new door began to separate and lost its ability to seal out the cold. No worries–I actually saved the receipt and the warranty statement found on the door when purchased new.

I confidently called the so and so company to order my brand new replacement door. She said she would send a representative to look at the damaged door and give me “an estimate on replacement.” This is when I began to feel a bit nervous. Questioning her further I discovered that I completely understood the definition of the word “lifetime” and the word “warranty,” but really had no idea about the meaning of that other little word thrown in there: “limited.”

The nice factory rep lady informed me that “lifetime limited” was ten years. I said, “Saywhaaa? Ten years?” And then in a snarky manner asked her, “Aren’t you happy your lifetime is longer than ten years?” 

Ladies and gentlemen, be careful of that little word “limited.” It’s a disappointment for sure. Most things in this world are limited. In fact, I can recall my son being asked to leave an “all you can eat” breakfast restaurant. Apparently that restaurant found out what I already knew from closely observing my grocery bill.

Here is a wonderful thing: God’s love, His grace and His forgiveness are totally, unconditionally, without a limit clause in fine print, UNLIMITED. And that’s a guarantee into eternity, signed and sealed by the cross.

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day

Narratives and Lies

There are narratives that are being promoted these days which are truly “of this world.” The narrative of “what I do privately affects no one” is an example. However, if I choose to be sexually active outside of marriage it can have direct consequences like pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, anxiety, depression, and deep hurts. Every one of these results affect someone other than myself. The narrative that I act alone, it only affects me, is a completely false narrative. All of our actions are in some way or another connected to others. 

But that’s not really my point. False narratives are pushed in our culture today as if they are truth. When pushed long enough, hard enough, marketed, placed in TV and movie lines, written about by the “professionals” as accepted truth, our culture can eventually shift and begin to believe they are actually true. 

A more recent narrative being promoted as compassionate is “love is love.” If love is love then love must include all kinds of self-centered aberrations and still be defined as love. If love is love is a positive message, then call anything love and it passes, even while it hurts one’s self or others. 

There is a truth narrative from God’s word that is completely trustworthy, dependable and of value to believe. Here are some biblical narratives you can trust into eternity:

I Corinthians 1:25 – 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

I Corinthians 3:19 – 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness.”

John 15:18,19 – “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” 

John 18:36 – 36 Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.”

Titus 2:11,12 – 11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

I John 2:15-17 – 15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father[a] is not in them. 16 For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Matthew 5:14-16 – 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

John 8:12 – 12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Jesus’ narrative and God’s word have a very different take on the world’s narrative. There is no peace, no satisfaction, no agreement and no right way of living within the world’s narrative. It all too often ends in destruction. It poses as ultimate good, but culminates in disappointment and all too often, personal ruin. 

Believe and promote God’s narratives. They lead to life.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Parents

Courageous Parenting

Godly parenting takes courage–plain and simple. If you were to ask someone what is the most courageous thing they have ever done you would most likely receive various answers, but if you ask me that question I would say godly parenting.

Courageous deeds are often associated with heroes; however, if your heart’s desire is to raise godly children in an ungodly and worldly environment, then you are heroic.

When we establish boundaries about certain TV shows, certain music or certain books, we are taking courageous steps.

When we establish biblically guided rules for our children about what’s right and what’s wrong, then we are taking courageous steps.

When we establish rules concerning standards and the opposite sex relationships of our children, we are being courageous. 

When we teach sexual identity and sexual purity that is in stark contrast to what our culture is speaking, we are being courageous.

When we do not conform to the values of other parents, sticking with our specific family values, we are being courageous.

When we as parents are not viewing pornography and then holding our young children accountable to do the same, we are being courageous parents.

When we teach our children what is acceptable dress, acceptable dating relationships, acceptable Internet use, and give them curfews, we are being courageous parents.

The list could go on, but I challenge you today to be a courageous parent because if you want to see a generation of young people who can withstand peer pressure, who can say no to the wrong they will face, and who can say yes to God, it all begins with courageous parenting.

When we take the easy route or the lazy route to parenting, the battle for our children will be lost. 

They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. (Jeremiah 32:39)

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