History, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Premarital, Women

Those Many Wedding Traditions and Why We Do Them

Weddings can be similar around the world, but why is it traditional to have wedding bands, to throw rice at the newly married couple or for the bride to wear something old and something new? These are a few of the wedding traditions we accept, but most likely have no idea of their origination. 

Here are eight of the most popular traditions with an explanation of why they exist.

  1. The couple stays apart the night before and the day of the wedding until the ceremony.

Marrying for love is a relatively new concept. Many marriages of yesteryear were prearranged by the families. Not seeing each other prior to stating their wedding vows was a precaution for one of the two getting “cold feet.”

2. Something old and something new.

In the mid-19th century, the objects shared from others were to bring the bride good luck and also served as a hope for early pregnancy. 

3. White wedding dresses.

It was Queen Victoria who wore a white gown at her wedding in 1840 when most gowns at that time were red. Soon white became the color for brides because white was considered virginal and pure and an emblem of innocence. 

4. Groomsmen and bridesmaids in a wedding party.

It has become a way to honor your friends and family members. But in Roman culture, these persons became the couple’s witnesses, bodyguards, and preventing intruders from intervening in the wedding ceremony

5. “Speak up now or forever hold your peace.”

Have you ever wondered where this phrase originated from? It was a standard question at one time in order to prevent bigamy. Some churches even required the forthcoming wedding plans to be announced three times to be sure that neither bride or groom to be were already married.

6. Sharing wedding rings.

Historically, most couples did not exchange rings so this practice is fairly new. It was more of a custom for the woman to have an engagement ring so that all would know she is “under contract” or betrothed. Jewelers began to popularize men’s rings and by the 1940’s it became socially acceptable that men would wear a wedding band.

7. Tossing rice or birdseed at the newlywed couple. 

The Romans thought it best to toss wheat at the couple as a sign of fertility. In Europe it was thought that rice was that sign. Other cultures use oats, peas and other grains. But contrary to popular belief, throwing rice which is eventually picked up by the birds will not injure the bird. 

And one more…wedding cake.

8. Saving the top layer of your wedding cake.

It wasn’t about celebrating on your first anniversary; it was more about the birth of your first child. Happy couples who were able to be successful at starting a family were to celebrate by using the remaining wedding cake for their first child’s christening. 

There you have it: eight traditions that can be found at most modern weddings and the why of those traditions. So the next time you’re at a wedding, you can share your knowledge around the reception table with people you don’t know!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Why Pre- and Postmarital Counseling?

You’re engaged and on your way to “Happy ever after.” 

Now begins the work of planning a wedding day, a reception and a honeymoon. It is thought that wedding days take up to 200 hours of preparation or more. Think about all that goes into that day: venues, photographer, videographer, flowers, invitations, music, ceremony planning, reception, clothes, and list after list.

Funny thing though, none of these things help to create a better marriage or a more solid foundation. That comes from participating in couple-to-couple premarital counseling. Premarital takes place before you say “I do.” It is foundation building for topics like: communication, conflict, finances, sex, extended family, facing different scenarios, creating tools that help you preventatively.

Marriage is a covenant to a lifetime commitment. We need to receive every possible aspect of prevention that we can. Any investment into your relationship, any seeds sown for personal growth and counsel will be reaped in the years ahead. 

Will you have children, how many, and how will they be educated? Where will you live and will you be able to visit your parents? What are your anxieties concerning marriage? Have you crossed sexual boundaries before marriage and what can we do about that? 

Premarital counseling helps to build a solid foundation and postmarital counseling offers the reality check-ups, reviews, help with present struggles and questions. It should be provocative by nature so that growth occurs and marriage can be embraced in a greater measure. 

Through counseling your love can grow to new heights as you objectively face issues in your relationship. It is an opportunity to be honest, open and vulnerable as you have help offered through your pre- and postmarital counselors.

Finally, if you’re looking for a resource that provokes conversations and gives practical, life-building exercises chapter after chapter, here is our book, Called Together. It asks you the challenging questions before and after you say, “I do.”

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Singles, Women

Allowing Those Around Me to Define Me

Attempting to be who or what others feel we ought to be is dangerous. We have all dealt with thoughts like these or imagined expressions from others. I just recently experienced a 93-year-old person tell me they could no longer go to church because they now need to use a walker. I assured this person that no one would judge them or look down on them for using a walker. In fact, I told her no one would even care, they would be so glad to see her. She looked at me and said, “I would care; I would be embarrassed.” 

Wow, even at that age we care about what others may think of us or how we perceive they may be perceiving us?

Let’s define what I am describing as, “I don’t know who I am, so I’ll allow another to define me.” When we do this either consciously or unconsciously, we are allowing another to define who we are and that definition may not be anywhere near accurate for who we’ve been created to be. 

When we fall prey to this level of self-thought, we are actually inhibiting God from expressing to us how He sees us. We’re missing the mark by giving in to either peer pressure or a negative view of who we are. 

You and I were not created to bear the image of anyone else other than who the Father says we are. Henry Nouwen said it this way, “Spiritual identity means we are not what we do or what people say about us…we are not what we have. We are the beloved daughters and sons of God.”

In the book, Identity: The Distinctiveness of You I wrote, “It is not an option to be an image bearer, but it is an option as to whose image we bear. To bear the image of the One who created us can never be accomplished by mere human thought, balance, personal effort, blood, sweat or tears. It is received. An unworthy human vessel is baptized in the love of God, the truth of God, the Spirit of God and the character of God in order to reveal the image of God.”

We are image bearers. Whose image do you desire to bear?

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Issues of the Day

Why America Celebrates the Fourth of July

It was a battle for liberty and individual freedom. There was a conviction that government was from God and there was a deep desire for freedom from the largest earthly power of its time, Great Britain. 

The new settlers believed that the Law of Nature and the law of revelation were greater than any human law. The theologian William Blackstone wrote about the establishment of the Law of Nature as, “The doctrines thus delivered we call revealed of divine law, and they are to be found only in the Holy Scriptures…no human law (or government) should be suffered to contradict these.” 

The Colonists agreed and saw that the new laws and restrictions being forced on them by Britain as a hinderance to God’s plan for America. The fight against Great Britain was their belief that America was God’s divine plan and a seven-year war was in belief of an independent America.

Noah Webster said, “The religion which has introduced civil liberty is the religion of Christ and His apostles, which enjoins humility, piety, and benevolence; which acknowledges in every person a brother or a sister, and a citizen with equal rights. This is genuine Christianity, and to this we owe our free Constitutions of Government.”

The 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence suffered greatly. Five signers were captured by the British and tortured before their death. Twelves signers had their homes burned. Several lost sons in the revolutionary war. Nine of them fought and died from wounds in the war. They were lawyers, farmers and merchants dedicated to an independent America.

These men had a new life in a new land with security and wealth, but they valued their liberty. Together and with one voice they pledged, “For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.”

Thank you, God, for a republic. I pray we can keep it.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Is Marriage the Answer to Pornography Use?

Many young men and women often believe marriage will be their answer to a porn use problem. If you viewed porn as a teenager, porn use will not stop in marriage. While there may be times of reprieve, it will remain a temptation. 

Having sex in marriage as it was designed by our Creator, provides no guarantee that when you are stressed, when you need a quick fix or when married life is not working out as expected that you will not return to pornography. It’s addictive; highly addictive and it’s a false counterfeit to the real. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women often feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can negatively affect her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.  

Let me say something personal to the casual or the constant viewer. By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are learning to see and treat women as a sex object. You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself. And then you excuse it and rationalize it. You tell yourself it’s not that bad, just a quick look, it’s a natural desire and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God. 

It is not ok with God because it is a counterfeit of what God lovingly gave to you. It is false intimacy and it will steal from you real intimacy. Check out these verses: Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.  As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. ( I Peter 1:13-15) 

It is said that 50% of young girls are viewing porn also. All of the above is true for you too. It will have a negative effect upon your marriage and your loving husband. Not only that, but for husbands and wives who struggle you are passing down this sin to your children. 

Repent and confess porn use to God, to your pastor today, be accountable and find resources, counselors and groups that will support you toward freedom.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Men, Parents

Father’s Day; For Fathers and Men

I received a Father’s Day card from my son that read, “Someday, you’ll thank me – Dad.” Then it followed with these words, “Thank you, Dad! – me.” I love cards for what they say, but mostly for what people write in them. And it’s that written part that often expresses more than the card itself. 

My son went on to add his own words, “Thanks for being a great father and role model. Thanks for teaching me “man” stuff but also how to be a real man – loving my children and wife, working hard and valuing the right things. I am always grateful for you.”

That straight-to-the-heart message of pure gratefulness meant more to me than any card writer at Hallmark could ever come up with. Those were words from someone you spent your life caring for, teaching, training, loving and, yes, even disciplining. You spent thousands of dollars on them with no expectation of return. You stood on the sidelines while they played sports and you sat at concerts while they attempted to play an instrument. You took them on dates to their favorite ice-cream place and you went to a music concert of “musicians” who you didn’t really appreciate. Fathers pray for their children’s safe return late at night and by their bed when they’re asleep.

Fathers believe in their children because too many persons out there in this world do not. Fathers bravely defend their children and frankly would give their lives for their son or daughter. Fathers do not count the cost when it comes to what their children need, and when they can’t provide for that need, they seek out those who can. Fathers sacrifice, work multiple jobs, do what it takes to make family life work. 

But perhaps more than anything, fathers lead the way to faith. If that faith is not working in their life, then fathers know it’s rather difficult to pass on. Children need the love of a father, the provision of a father and the direction of a father. For it is that love, that security and that provision which ultimately helps those children to then trust their heavenly Father.

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History, Issues of the Day, Prayer

Atheism and the Most Hated Woman

It was 1963 and the U.S. Supreme court would vote in an 8 – 1 ruling that it was unconstitutional for public schools to require Bible reading. At the time, there were many states which mandated daily Bible reading and prayer. The infamous Murray vs. Curlett case involved what would become a high-profile woman by the name of Madalyn Murray O’Hair. 

O’Hare’s claim was that her son, William, was “bullied” because he did not want to participate in the daily Bible reading in his school. Having won the case elevated O’Hare to be profiled in Life magazine and then begin TV interviews. She was vocal to criticize any public reading of the scripture like the Apollo 8 astronauts on Christmas Eve in 1968. 

O’Hare stood for sexual freedom for adults and children. She was the head of the American Atheists. As the leader she said she welcomed being the “most hated woman in America.” But that’s far from the end of the story.

O’Hare’s son, William, became a Christian believer. His mother said she would have him committed to an insane asylum for doing so. William told his story in his book, My Life Without God. In that book he described how his mother hated her father and wanted to poison him to death. How she had multiple affairs. How she inflated the member numbers of the American Atheists and many other unscrupulous dealings. 

In 1995 O’Hare disappeared. Her body was later discovered in Texas having been caught up in a financial scam and in an attempt to flee the IRS. It wasn’t a happy ending of a life dedicated to winning converts to atheism and changing U.S. laws to align with her beliefs. 

We will always bear the consequences of the seeds we sow as believers or as nonbelievers. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature from that nature will reap destruction… (Galatians 6:7,8)

I am reminded on a daily basis of what I say, what I teach, what I write is subject to scrutiny from others, but mostly I am concerned and accountable to God for what I sow, desiring to reap from good seed.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage; We All Have Them

My wife and I often joke that we had a conflict once in our marriage of 47 years so we wrote a book about it. Not exactly true. We’ve had many conflicts, but conflicts do not have to be harsh or out of control. After all, we face conflicts daily in life and we tend to handle them better with complete strangers than we do with our spouse or our children.

Why is that? We have nothing invested in the stranger, but we have everything invested in our marriage and family. 

Conflicts often originate from blocked goals; we are wanting something and not getting it. We may even want something good, but the goal or the need is blocked by something, by someone. What we do at this point is totally up to us. We can bust our way through with anger or we can go silent and walk out. We can pretend we’re not having a conflict and not deal with it or we can become abusive in our response all in an effort to get what we want and when we want it. 

Here are seven suggestions that can help us when it comes to marriage conflicts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scriptures, it also develops character (See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4.). Remember that in marriage our conflict is deeper because our love is deeper.
  2. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or a desire to just bail. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through, the trial and the outcome will be perseverance doing its work (See James 1:4.). Don’t quit and give up; believe for a resolve because the more we learn to persevere through the conflict, the more victories we will experience. 
  3. Keep in mind that whatever we sow, we reap. If we sow anger, we’ll reap anger. If we sow the negative we will be sure to reap the negative. The seed of criticism and name calling cannot produce the fruit of peace or righteousness.
  4. Do not hold onto negative words, bitterness, criticism, or anger because these things will bite you in the end. Peter told us to be considerate in our marriages and to treat one another with respect (I Peter 3:1-9). Jesus never treats us in disrespect, anger or abuse. 
  5. In each and every conflict, be aware of selfish ambition because many of our conflicts arise from a felt need or desire regardless of how another feels. In Philippians 2 Paul reminds us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others [my spouse] better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others [my spouse].”
  6. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8) Love often means overlooking an offense, forgetting, not pointing out failures, not reminding one another of past mistakes, forgiving and keeping no record of wrongs.
  7. Lastly, as conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that might sound far off right now, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have successfully won the battles with.

The number one reason marriages do not make it today is the inability of two adults to respectfully and honorably resolve conflict with each other. Put into practice the points above and you’ll be on your way to resolving conflict. Conflict is not wrong in a relationship, but unresolved conflict certainly is.

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography, Singles

God, You Love Me and My Sexuality

Every one of us are far more than our sexual desires dreams and feelings. These areas of life do not define us. I have heard plenty of horror stories after twenty plus years of personal counseling. Let me share one of those with you.

I can recall Lisa’s story that resulted in severe anorexia. While her story and her pain were true, she was acting out self-destructive behavior, starving herself to death. If I would have merely affirmed every feeling that Lisa had, it would have been cruel. Further, if I would have commented that her self-perception of being obese was right in an effort to validate her feelings, I would have been both unprofessional and dishonest. 

When our sexuality becomes who we are or how we express our identity, we will be disappointed. It is an expectation that sexuality cannot deliver because our sexuality is only part of our whole being. 

To pursue an identity in our sexuality for the purpose of obtaining self-esteem will also ultimately disappoint. Having the attention of someone sexually may empower for a movement, but that moment will end quickly. It is as well detrimental to look for our identity in the sexual realm because it’s the popular thing to do. Often high school and college age students are pursuing sexuality in this way in an effort to feel popular. 

Every day we choose to either obey God in our sexuality or to not obey Him. It can be a temptation as great as being unfaithful to our wedding vows or a temptation to view pornography. We each have a choice to make. Either God’s grace is sufficient or we determine it not to be. Deciding to pursue our sexuality God’s way and within His boundaries might mean a cross to bear for some, but it will lead us into an eternity of God’s pleasure because of our obedience vs our pursuit of a temporary pleasure.

(For a more thorough look into this topic see the book Identity, The Distinctiveness of You here.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Prayer, Women

Wedding Anniversaries – Celebrating our 48th

Our love started out like most couples: young, inexperienced, and some naivety. We spoke our vows and threw ourselves into young love. What we didn’t totally understand was that some of the loving feelings and emotions fade and then love as a lifelong commitment begins. 

That was 48 years ago this month! It’s hard to believe that much time has passed. I had brown hair at one time and Mary, well, she still has brown hair, compliments of Clairol. 

We thought we knew all about love, but we were only beginning to discover how that love would be tested and tried over and over. Honestly, as we look back, it was pretty shallow, but we didn’t give up and love definately deepened over time. 

There were romantic getaways, not so romantic trials, date nights and stretches during child raising years in which we felt like we barely hung on to our shared vision. 

We’re now married long enough to have experienced sickness and health, lack and prosperity, pain and triumph. We have weathered many storms with children, with the loss of parents, and with disappointment from prayers not answered in our imagined outcome. We can look back and give thanks for it is those things that make our love what it is today. Forty-eight years of repeated “I do’s,” 48 years of fun and laughter, 48 years of traveling around the world and ministering the love of Jesus together, and 48 years of praying together. 

Don’t give up on your marriage. Remember your vows spoken to one another, to God and to those who attended your wedding. Remember why God called you together. Remember your mission as a couple and remember young love growing deeper every day into “older/deeper love.”

Jesus said it this way: 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

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