Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Women

Dating During Separation or Divorce – Yes or No?

Assuming marriage for you has been a rough go or your partner left you or worse yet, committed adultery and you find yourself separated or in the middle of a divorce. Your emotions left the marriage perhaps months or even years ago for multiple reasons, but you tried repeatedly to make it work. You’re tired and you lack answers. You’re in a tough place. 

Do you date? Why not? Your friends are trying to set you up, telling you to move on and/or saying that you need to think about yourself. 

It’s problematic

Dating during separation or divorce can be problematic on several levels. The first to consider is that you are still legally married; therefore, you are not available. Separation, even a legal one–you’re still married. Divorce pending–still married. Legally and spiritually, your vows are still intact. To start a relationship on this foundation would not only be unrighteous, but unwise seeds planted into the next relationship.

You are most likely not ready for a new partner; therefore, you should not be dating. Dating is an act of looking for love and companionship again and a marriage partner. Are you emotionally free, financially free, mentally and spiritually free? In other words, have you been on a healing trek during this time of separation and/or divorce? Most experts say this process takes at least two years.

What responsibility do you take for the failed marriage? Everyone bears responsibility and there are many things to learn and grow through about partners (right and wrong ones), about ourselves, and about a lasting marriage. Do not rob God or yourself of sufficient healing time.

If there are children, then you and your ex are both still intricately relating. If you are pursuing divorce and dating, court judges may look negatively on the responsibility level of your parenting. Further, your kids are hurting and they need you fully there for them.

Are you escaping bad feelings and a relationship that ultimately didn’t work? Are you trading bad feelings for new, exciting ones? While this new relationship might be exciting and create new, feel-good emotions (mainly wanting to escape the old ones), then you might be forfeiting the deep work that could be taking place in your life. Worse yet, most relationships started during separation or divorce do not last. Now you have further complicated the issues for you and your family.

Another soul connection

Adding another soul connection via a new relationship further complicates the process. Maybe it starts as a friendly meal together. Then it progresses to deeper talks as the friendship grows. Then there is an attraction. As the attraction grows, the pair become more and more open, more and more vulnerable. Eventually feelings of love can be the result, causing a deepening soul connection and then one can begin thinking, “This is the person for me.”

If the relationship continues, it can become physical with hugs, hand holding and kisses. This touch leads to more touch and a soul-to-soul connection. Further, if the physical, emotional and, yes, even spiritual relationship continues to be justified, it can ultimately cross boundaries and become sexual. 

Each decision we make has consequences

So, let’s back up the truck. When did this relationship we’re writing about cross the line and become sinful? The lesson for men and women who are separated or pursuing divorce is to not start the process of dating until the vows are legally broken and sufficient healing has taken place. 

If you are separated, seek with all of your heart and soul to remain faithful to your vows, obeying the scripture and your spoken word. Relentlessly pursue personal healing with everything in you. Lay your feelings at the altar and ask Jesus to walk with you. Seek the Spirit of God’s advice and direction. Ask Him to be Lord of all your decision making. 

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