Sexual boundaries are a hot topic these days. How far can you go before lust and sin are involved? What’s appropriate for a dating couple? When do you cross a line?
I remember covering this topic with my son when he was almost dating age. I asked him to read with me these scriptures found in I Thessalonians 5: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (v 1- 2)” I then asked if he would hug his sister and he said if he was leaving on a trip for a long time. I asked if he would hold her hand. After a squeamish and hesitant look, he said he would if he were helping her across a dangerous intersection. I followed that up with would he kiss his sister. In his mind, now I had gone too far. Finally, after forcing a reply he said maybe on the cheek on a rare occasion. The final question? “How long would you kiss your sister?” His reply, “Dad!?!?…gross!!!”
“So, that’s how you would treat your sister?” “Yes” came their tentative reply. “So, let’s think about that when it comes to dating and God’s word.” The message was hitting home, and he would need to process what his boundaries would be while dating.
In our book, Called Together, a pre- and postmarital workbook*, we discuss this very subject in chapter one along with a progression of boundaries. The progression of boundaries goes something like this:
- Holding hands
- Arm around shoulder/waist
- Embracing/hugs
- Kissing on the cheek
- Kissing on the lips
- French kissing
- Fondling sexual areas
- Sexual intercourse
You can literally see the progression as you walk through numbers 1 through 8. This is not just a time wasting exercise, but rather a serious thought to the boundaries you will uphold while dating or during engagement. Why?
3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. 4 Then each of you will control his own body[b] and live in holiness and honor— 5 not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.6 Never harm or cheat a fellow believer in this matter by violating his wife,[c]for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before.7 God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. 8 Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (I Thessalonians 4:3-8 NLT)
When we sin sexually, this scripture relates that we are at the same time “rejecting God.” Sexual sin is also the sin which is against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18).
What will you accomplish by obeying God’s sexual boundaries in your relationships? Let’s consider a few of those benefits.
- You will know the blessing of God for your obedience to Him.
- You will build trust in your relationship.
- You will be showing the worth and value of God’s daughter or son in your relationship.
- You will be an example to your peers and one day to your children.
- You will not have to deal with sexual and emotional hurts before or after you are married.
- Your sexual commitment in marriage will be far more trust filled.
- You will avoid pregnancy.
- Your love and respect for each other will not become clouded with lust and guilt.
- You will build love, respect, self-control, and patience.
What specific steps can you take to avoid sexual sin in your relationships? Set your boundaries beforehand. Ask God for an internal alarm when nearing that boundary. Develop a key word or phrase that can be spoken by one or both of you that indicates you are approaching your physical boundary. Ask your parents or others to hold you accountable in this area of your life.
God will honor your faith and obedience, and your marriage sex life will not be full of regret. And one final question: If you’ll allow yourself to be sexual before marriage, why not then also allow yourself to be sexual outside of your marriage?
*Called Together, Asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”
Steve Prokopchak 