Category Archives: Healing

Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Insecurity

Healing Damaged Emotions

When we suffer a deep physical wound, we are rushed off to the emergency room to have that wound receive necessary and immediate attention. It gets anesthetized, then cleaned and finally sown up from the inside out so the healing process can begin. We are administered antibiotics to ward off infection and told to go home to rest and take our pain medicine as prescribed.

But what happens when we receive an emotional wound? Rarely do we treat it with the same attention. We tell ourselves that it will be ok, it’s not too deep and in time it will go away. But what if it doesn’t? What do we do then? I have yet to see an ER for an emotional wound, but I believe God knows just how to administer healing to the wounded soul and spirit.

When discussing healing of emotional wounds, the first question to be asked is, “What are we desiring to heal?” Dr. David Seamands in his book, Healing for Damaged Emotions, states, “As trees have rings hidden under the bark of the tree which help to reveal its history, so we as humans have concealed pain under our protective skin.” Inside we have recorded “rings of our lives.” Dr. Seamands goes on to point out that these rings “…deeply affect our concepts, our feelings, our relationships. They affect the way we look at life and God, at others and ourselves.”

What are some of these damaged emotions? One of the most common is rejection – a feeling of unworthiness and inferiority. Other damages occurred when our security and significance were threatened. A perfectionistic parent can place unattainable expectations upon a child or fears may be handed down from a fear-filled parent or other authority figures.

Healing these areas means we must be willing to crawl down into the trenches of our lives.

There are two scriptures that come to mind concerning this level of healing:

I Thessalonians 5:2: “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

Romans 8:5-11 (v. 5-6): “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”

God’s Spirit through our spirit longs to heal our minds and emotions. He desires our whole being to be in health. 

There are three very important steps we can take to enter into this level of healing:

1.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of deception and denounce them.

2.  Ask for Jesus’ cleansing through an honest and sincere confession to have Him purify them of all unrighteousness.

3.  Maintain humility, hide nothing and confess everything.

All of us have memories—memories of things that happened to us. Memories are real and often factual, but at the core of human pain is often a lie—something that is not true. Memory is a wonderful thing unless there is a lie connected to the memory.

The Lord does not wipe clean our memory banks, but He will bring the truth to any lies we are telling ourselves which perpetuate the wounds. Often people know the truth, but do not apply it to the lie. The pain is not coming from the memory, but the lie within the memory. The significance of believing a lie is that it may as well be the truth: the consequences are the same. 

I can recall a counselee who perceived herself to be overweight. She certainly was not overweight but was now struggling with anorexia, starving herself in order to “be thin and accepted.” Where did this originate from? She had a memory of a boyfriend who frequently reminded her of her weight, telling her that any girlfriend of his had to be thin. Housed within that memory was a lie she accepted that went something like this: “If I am to be loved by him, attractive to him, I need to lose weight and be thin.”

Paul told the Ephesian church they were to “put off” their old and the corrupted desires while “putting on” a new attitude of the mind in order to reflect righteousness in becoming like God. Our Counselor, Jesus, must reveal to us our old self and the lies that support those wounds. He then chooses to be the Truth so that we can put on the new self of His creation, reflecting the likeness and character of our Savior.

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Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Refining Our Souls; Pursuing Sexual Wholeness

Our smartphones today are no longer phones, but more so mini computers. Adults are now spending 20 hours per week on digital media. This means most persons will be faced with the option of viewing pornography. 

Similarweb reported that in 2021 the top three porn sites outranked Amazon, Twitch, Zoom and Netflix combined in monthly visitors. 

A nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries).  But, the most shocking was that 11–17-year-old boys reported being the greatest users – 85% and nearly 50% of young girls (From the web site Fight the New Drug).  Pornography in our country is a 4-billion-dollar industry.  More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year.  Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood.  The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.  

Speaking of present generation, this is the generation that is actively fighting sex trafficking more than any other generation; however, this generation is also consuming porn faster than any other generation.

Too often we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue.  So, telling men to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his/her drug – the brain is conditioned.

Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals; it is the glue to human bonding. When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality.  Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways.  Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really.  Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing.  It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world.  It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem.  She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.  

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying.  One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied.  Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others. 

By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world.  You are adding to the sin of human trafficking.  You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death.  You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself.  And then you excuse it and rationalize it.  You tell yourself it’s not that bad; just a quick look; it’s a natural desire; and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God.  Maybe even right now you have messages going to your brain saying, “But that’s not me.”

Here are a few things that the porn industry does not tell you:

Viewing pornography is addictive.

Viewing pornography will help to bring destruction to your closest relationships.

Viewing pornography brings feelings of shame.

Viewing pornography can lead to cheating on your spouse.

Viewing pornography can become very expensive.

I Corinthians 6:13 reveals, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” and verse 18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  Ephesians 5:3 also adds, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

Jesus did not come to condemn you, but rather through grace and forgiveness to remove sexual shame from you. In John chapter eight He told a woman who was caught in adultery that He did not condemn her, but then told her to leave her life of sexual sin. 

Our heavenly Father is in love with you, understands you and has a course of purity for you to walk in. Confess your sin to Him, receive His forgiveness and then find accountability and steps of healing. Here is an organization that can help: http://www.Soulrefiner.com.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Is Marriage the Answer to Pornography Use?

Many young men and women often believe marriage will be their answer to a porn use problem. If you viewed porn as a teenager, porn use will not stop in marriage. While there may be times of reprieve, it will remain a temptation. 

Having sex in marriage as it was designed by our Creator, provides no guarantee that when you are stressed, when you need a quick fix or when married life is not working out as expected that you will not return to pornography. It’s addictive; highly addictive and it’s a false counterfeit to the real. 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women often feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can negatively affect her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover.  She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.  

Let me say something personal to the casual or the constant viewer. By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying yes to a multi-billion-dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are learning to see and treat women as a sex object. You are destroying those trapped in this industry (which today includes more teenage girls than ever), your marriage, your own family and yourself. And then you excuse it and rationalize it. You tell yourself it’s not that bad, just a quick look, it’s a natural desire and some of you even change your theology to tell yourself…no, try to convince yourself that it’s actually ok with God. 

It is not ok with God because it is a counterfeit of what God lovingly gave to you. It is false intimacy and it will steal from you real intimacy. Check out these verses: Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.  As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. ( I Peter 1:13-15) 

It is said that 50% of young girls are viewing porn also. All of the above is true for you too. It will have a negative effect upon your marriage and your loving husband. Not only that, but for husbands and wives who struggle you are passing down this sin to your children. 

Repent and confess porn use to God, to your pastor today, be accountable and find resources, counselors and groups that will support you toward freedom.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage; We All Have Them

My wife and I often joke that we had a conflict once in our marriage of 47 years so we wrote a book about it. Not exactly true. We’ve had many conflicts, but conflicts do not have to be harsh or out of control. After all, we face conflicts daily in life and we tend to handle them better with complete strangers than we do with our spouse or our children.

Why is that? We have nothing invested in the stranger, but we have everything invested in our marriage and family. 

Conflicts often originate from blocked goals; we are wanting something and not getting it. We may even want something good, but the goal or the need is blocked by something, by someone. What we do at this point is totally up to us. We can bust our way through with anger or we can go silent and walk out. We can pretend we’re not having a conflict and not deal with it or we can become abusive in our response all in an effort to get what we want and when we want it. 

Here are seven suggestions that can help us when it comes to marriage conflicts:

  1. Even in conflict we need to maintain a right attitude toward one another. Conflict is not always detrimental in marriage, but it does test our faith, our patience and our personal level of grace. According to the scriptures, it also develops character (See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:2-4.). Remember that in marriage our conflict is deeper because our love is deeper.
  2. The natural response to conflict is more conflict, a desire to win or a desire to just bail. But when we push through, pray through and persevere through, the trial and the outcome will be perseverance doing its work (See James 1:4.). Don’t quit and give up; believe for a resolve because the more we learn to persevere through the conflict, the more victories we will experience. 
  3. Keep in mind that whatever we sow, we reap. If we sow anger, we’ll reap anger. If we sow the negative we will be sure to reap the negative. The seed of criticism and name calling cannot produce the fruit of peace or righteousness.
  4. Do not hold onto negative words, bitterness, criticism, or anger because these things will bite you in the end. Peter told us to be considerate in our marriages and to treat one another with respect (I Peter 3:1-9). Jesus never treats us in disrespect, anger or abuse. 
  5. In each and every conflict, be aware of selfish ambition because many of our conflicts arise from a felt need or desire regardless of how another feels. In Philippians 2 Paul reminds us to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others [my spouse] better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others [my spouse].”
  6. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8) Love often means overlooking an offense, forgetting, not pointing out failures, not reminding one another of past mistakes, forgiving and keeping no record of wrongs.
  7. Lastly, as conflicts are resolved, God uses those areas in our lives to help others. I know that might sound far off right now, but it’s true. We will have authority to speak into that which we have had to grow through and have successfully won the battles with.

The number one reason marriages do not make it today is the inability of two adults to respectfully and honorably resolve conflict with each other. Put into practice the points above and you’ll be on your way to resolving conflict. Conflict is not wrong in a relationship, but unresolved conflict certainly is.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Training

Dealing with the Dys-ease of Stress

                                         

It is seemingly unprecedented and unimaginable that the whole world could be experiencing an inordinate amount of stress today. While stress affects each of us differently, the article that follows is an attempt to address this everyday human emotion in a reasonable and biblical way.

Disease is a word we often use to describe an illness, an impairment of some kind.  The prefix of the word is actually “dys,” which means “not.”  We could say that a disease is when the body or the soul is literally “not at ease.”  Stress and worry create mental, emotional or physical tension.  What occurs when this tension is ongoing and is generated many hours over a course of many days?  Some medical practitioners believe our bodies attempt to absorb this tension; however, the body is not built to handle long-term stress and will eventually begin to break down. 

Proverbs 12:25 rightly reveals that an anxious heart weighs a man down. A good question to start with could be, “What are the areas of my life that I normally find myself becoming worried, stressed or anxious about?”

Francis Chan in his book, Crazy Love said, When I am consumed by my problems – stressed about my life – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Somehow the stuff in my life is exceptional.  Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.

To simplify this thought, Mark Batterson in the book The Circle Maker asks, “Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems?”  

The Psalmist David actually requested of the Lord to check his heart for anxiety in Psalms 139:23 where he asked God to, “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  Why did he want God to do this?  David knew that anxiety and stress puts a limit on our belief and our ability to trust God.

Seven causes of stress 

  1. A state of worry and a high need for control: In Luke chapter 10, Jesus looked at one serving Him and expressed, “Martha, Martha…you are worried and upset about many things.”  If the Lord looks at you and says your name twice, you know you’re about to hear some “better change your life” words.  I think Jesus was saying, “Relax, Martha, be who you are, but trust me.  I can provide; there is a time for everything.”
  2. A lack of faith:  We can become anxious when we lack faith for our needs. (See Matthew 6:25-30.)     
  3. The loss of boundaries (also connected to the loss of control) provoking insecurity:  If children feel safe, they will venture away and explore.  If children are feeling insecure, unsafe and worried, they will cling to their parents. How were you trained as a child?  Were you trained to be worried, to be in fear or to be friends with anxiety?  Were the boundaries unsure, leaving you to find your own boundaries?  Was your home and your family a safe place or a place full of the unknown and unexpected? 
  4. Not knowing the heart of God as your heavenly Father:  Psalms 46:10 tells us, “Be still, and know that I am God.” When we do not know the Father’s heart toward us, we will never be able to be still.  Until we discover the truth of what our Father is thinking of us, we have every reason, perhaps, to be in a state of worry. 
  5. A lack of trusting God:  Did you know there is a “Do not worry” command in the Bible? Psalms 37:1-8 commands us to not fret, but trust, delight, commit, be still and refrain from anger. At the core of anxiety is a lack of trust, perhaps learned from the lack of boundaries; the lack of loving parents; not knowing the truth of faith or not walking in the revelation of the love, acceptance and approval of God.  Scripturally, to walk in fret, worry and stress is to walk in the absence of trust.
  6. A lack of protection and security:  When I was a child, we not only had fire drills; we had bomb scare drills.  It was the height of the cold war and Americans feared the Communists would drop “the bomb” on us at any time.  In primary school, we were prepared for this as the teachers instructed us to place our heads under our desks.  Those were some pretty powerful desks!  As adults, we still need protection, thus we have laws to govern our societies and boundaries in the word of God enforced by loving leaders of faith – spiritual moms and dads. When husbands fail to protect and understand the principle of protection, wives will find themselves dealing with anxiety. If we as men are not walking in the governmental authority the Father has called us to walk in, we might be standing by and becoming a direct cause of anxiety within our family.  When we as husbands and fathers hear from God and act in a scriptural manner of godly authority and covering, our wives and our children will be less anxious, more at peace and more secure. 
  7. When fear overrides faith: Where fear is present, love is absent.  Where there is a presence of love, fear is absent.  The two do not dwell together in any sense of harmony.  Listen to Job 4:14,” Fear and trembling seized me and made all my bones shake.” An actual physical manifestation of fear was present. I John 4:18 reveals, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  

How can we define anxiety? It is a state of uneasiness; worry; an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. Here is an excellent biblical definition: Deuteronomy 28: 64-67 says, “And the Lord will scatter you among all peoples, from one end of the earth to the other, and there you shall serve other gods of wood and stone, which neither you nor your fathers have known. And among these nations you shall find no respite, and there shall be no resting place for the sole of your foot, but the Lord will give you there a trembling heart and failing eyes and a languishing soul. Your life shall hang in doubt before you. Night and day you shall be in dread and have no assurance of your life. In the morning you shall say, ‘If only it were evening!’ and at evening you shall say, ‘If only it were morning!’ because of the dread that your heart shall feel, and the sights that your eyes shall see. This scripture gives us a pretty descript picture of anxiety.  As well, Proverbs 12:25 reveals that an anxious heart weighs a man down.

Considering some answers to stress and worry

I am convinced the answer to stress and worry is found in one word: trust. Here are some ways to grow trust in your life.

Worry takes the place of prayer:  We cannot worry and pray at the same time.  Worry says I have to do something about the circumstances while prayer says I cannot change circumstances, but God can.  That’s why the scripture is so clear to us in Philippians 4: 6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  And what does God say He will do?

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (we won’t understand how we can have peace in the midst of a storm – just as Jesus slept through one), will guard your heart (that area David wanted tested) and your minds (the area where worry lodges itself to take the place of trusting God) in Christ Jesus.” (v.7)  There is no peace in a state of worry.

Trust – How to build and grow trust vs. growing anxiety

  1. Know God’s word and implement it into your life – (Implement = meditate, memorize, put on 3×5 cards, post it on your mirrors, write it down over and over and pray the scripture into your spirit) Sample scriptures:  Jeremiah 17: 7,8; Psalm 37: 1-8; Psalm 46: 1,7,10; Isaiah 41: 10,13; Luke 10: 42; Luke 21: 14; Matthew 6: 25-34; I Peter 5: 7 – “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” Knowing God’s word has a calming effect.  To discover God’s thoughts through meditating on His word will allow our spirit to speak His thoughts to our mind.  If we go to a scary movie we’ll observe people screaming and lowering themselves in their seats.  If we go to a violent movie people can become agitated.  If we listen to music we label as irritating, we will find ourself becoming irritated. Anxiety breeds anxiety; wrong thinking breeds wrong thinking.  Read and meditate on the truth of God’s word and it will calm us, reduce stress, bring life and build Christ. 
  2. Anxiety and worry are basically built on the lesser story while God might be working on the greater story.  We tend to get all worried when we do not have the finances for a bill that is due – lesser story.  God may be using that present lack of finances to build faith for the greater story of His provision.  We tend to worry and become self-consumed when our car will not start and we begin to tell ourselves that if our car won’t start, we’ll be late for work and if we’re late for work we will have our pay docked or our boss will be upset – lesser story.  God purposely has our car delayed in starting because He is protecting us from an accident on the highway – greater story.  What does it boil down to?  Trust. Do we trust Him in all areas of our lives even when life is unpredictable? 
  3. Obedience to God’s Spirit of Truth – Is it disobedience to be filled with anxiety and not trust God?  (Remember worry says, “I trust me” while faith and obedience say, “I trust God.”)  We must come to this conclusion or we’ll never be serious about change. John 14: 15 reveals that He knows how much we love Him by how much we are willing to obey Him.  
  4. We change from our spirit to our mind and not our mind to our spirit – Romans 8: 5-9 tells us we are spirit, soul and body.  Lasting change is made by God speaking to our spirit and then our spirit revealing to our mind the necessary changes.  It is not our mind to our spirit.  We need God’s Spirit in our spirit controlling our minds and not our minds controlling our thoughts, emotions or actions. Information and knowledge will grow our minds.  Nutritional food and exercise will grow and keep our bodies in good health.  But when the truth is received in our spirit by His Holy Spirit, our belief system begins to change.  How does that happen? 
  5. From changed belief to changed behavior – Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Feelings (reactions) -> Actions. This unique formula describes what Romans 12:2 teaches us, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Are we telling ourselves the truth?  Often anxiety is built on a lie. That lie housed within a memory has been with us so long that we can actually begin to perceive it as truth. How does it work? It works through the law of attribution.

The law of attribution is simply that which we attribute to be stressful, anxiety-filled will be!  Sometimes this is built on truth, but more often it is built on a lie. I once met with a counselee who was fearful to drive over bridges, afraid the bridge would collapse. Was this fear built on truth?  No, but deep within his memory bank it was a truth to him from a negative personal life experience. Anxiety is a present feeling or reaction because we tell ourselves anxious thoughts or believe lies that create anxiety. Let me add that not all stress is negative.  Sometimes we feel stress and it motivates us to complete a task or to not look at a pornographic picture. It is a signal and what we do with it is up to us.

6. From fear to faith and trust – We must settle Romans 8:15 in our hearts, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And we cry Abba, Father.”  A spirit of fear is not from God. (See II Timothy 1:7.) One day Jesus and His disciples got into a boat to cross a lake. A storm came and began to sink the boat while Jesus slept. The disciples cry out for the Lord to help them and He calms the storm and then says,” Where is your faith?” In other words, why fear, have faith.

Psalm 112:7 reveals, “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  Why?  Verse eight tells us, “His heart is secure; he will have no fear…”  

Anxiety is up to us.  It is our choice.  There are levels of anxiety – some more severe than others.  We can go to a doctor’s office for medication.  Medication will treat the physical and mental manifestations, but it will not treat the core beliefs, the memories or the lies. 

Someone once said that, anxiety is not trusting God for your future and depression is not trusting God for your past.  Obviously, it’s not that simple, but God desires to teach and reassure us so that we can trust Him for our past, our present and our future.  There are no anxious ways within Him or His kingdom.  If he has everything under control and we are His, then at the end of the day we can pray, cast all our worries and anxious thoughts upon Him and go to sleep. (See Psalm 4:8.) I just don’t see God in heaven wringing His hands in total anxiety while mumbling, “Oh my word, what am I going to do now…are you kidding me…how can I get through this mess?” 

Armed with a bit of truth and perhaps more faith, look back over your list. Are our anxieties comprised of areas in our lives that have not occurred as yet? Most anxieties that we walk in never materialize. Can we pray over this list and give it all to our heavenly Father? 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Insecurity, Men, Women

Blemishes, We All have Them

One day my wife, Mary, a registered nurse, returned home from work with multiple black spots under each eye. I asked her what on earth could have happened at work that evening. She told me, “Oh, you know all those white age spots I had under my eyes? Well, I had the doctor burn them off for me.” 

I shared with her that I never noticed any white age spots, but I sure did see the black ones and they were far worse! Mary saw those spots every time she looked in the mirror. Not everyone noticed them, not even her husband, but she did. 

We tend to look at a picture of ourselves and see the blemishes: the crooked nose, the mole, the scar, or the receding hairline. The same is true of our emotional blemishes and past sins. We “see” and recall our selfish behavior, our sinful exploits, and our insecurities. 

Colossians chapter one states this: “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” (Colossians 1:21, 22)

Here is the really good news: the verses in Colossians tell us that those blemishes are no longer a part of us, we have been made holy and we cannot be accused any longer. We have been forgiven and we are free. We are reconciled and presented holy in His sight, without blemish and totally free from accusation! Stop focusing on the blemishes and start focusing on how your heavenly Father sees you.

(To all veterans. Thank you for your service. Enjoy your special day today!)

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Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Is There a Place for Pornography in Marriage?

Pornography played a major role in Jon’s downfall, the husband of a couple that we had counseled with. For many, it is a silent killer. It’s a killer of intimacy, of honesty, of time, of finances, and of our own bodies. Jesus said, “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness” (Luke 11:34).

Our eyes provide a window to our mind, our heart, and our spirit. When our eyes wander toward or are attracted to pornographic images, we give darkness permission to enter the light. Jesus warned us about this very thing when He said, “See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness” (Luke 11:35). 

There is no redeeming factor when it comes to pornography. It is a multi-billion-dollar industry in our nation built on lust. Lust is insatiable, and Satan will hand it to us freely. Lust is about taking and is fully self-seeking. Lust will increase as we feed it until we find ourselves in bondage. But love is satisfying, focused on giving, and full of selflessness. As love increases, we will find ourselves walking in freedom and becoming closer to our life mate. 

In our pre- and postmarital book, Called Together, we ask the question, “Can you be involved in lust toward your spouse?” That question creates quite a stir and challenges couples not yet married. A single person may think that marriage means the end of lusting after another, but married couples know that simply is not true. According to the above definition of lust, we can be involved in lust within our marriages by demanding, taking, and sexual selfishness. Pornography will feed that self-centered attitude. 

Love feeds an attitude of giving, sharing, and bringing pleasure out of a heart and mind that is not tarnished by images of raw, base acts. Love is never demanding in the bedroom, as it speaks encouragement, affirmation, and genuine acceptance. 

                       Pornography: The Breakdown Within our marriages 

A nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68 percent of men and 50 percent of pastors view pornography regularly. The most shocking was that 11- to 17-year-old boys reported being the greatest users at 85 percent, and nearly 50 percent of young girls are also viewing porn (see: fightthenewdrug. org). 

Pornography is a $4 billion industry in our country. More money is spent on pornography per year than on professional baseball, basketball, football, and the Super Bowl combined. Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films annually coming out of Hollywood. The issue is sweeping through the church, reaching the next generation. It is an epidemic. 

Studies show that when we are involved in sexual activity, the brain releases a number of chemicals, one of which is oxytocin, which is the “glue” that enables human bonding. (Oxytocin is also released as a mother holds and breastfeeds her newborn.) When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters are activated. Our brain takes the images and associates this bonding chemical with them, actually interfering with natural human bonding and sexuality. 

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do (1 Peter 1:13-15). 

Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control, and domination in evil ways. Men and women feel betrayed by spouses who use porn. Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man; no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover. She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal. 

Men often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner who agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. The act of viewing pornography is highly addictive and some psychologists state that it is similar to crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere with a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work, and, of course, in the bedroom. 

Many women are now viewing porn. Six of ten girls see their first pornography before age eighteen. This practice has become far more acceptable among teen girls. For some, they are attempting to find out what boys desire, and for others they are involving themselves out of loneliness. Little do they know that viewing pornography creates an even higher rate of loneliness among its users. 

Ladies and men, by viewing pornography you are supporting the industry and helping it to grow. You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of the victims caught in that world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying “yes” to an industry that feeds and preys on innocent men, women, and children and can even lead to their abduction, abuse, and death. You are learning to see and treat people as a sex object. You are destroying your marriage, your family, and yourself, and you are keeping victims trapped (which today includes more teenage girls and boys than ever). 

Lastly, pornography will make you into a liar. You will have to constantly lie about your use to your loved ones and perhaps your employer. I love these verses that Paul writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:13,18). 

Taken from Staying Together, Marriage: A Lifelong Affair by Steve and Mary Prokopchak

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Challenge, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Training

Learning Psychoanalytic Therapy

Going through the books on my book shelf in my office I came across an old college book with writing assignments still stuffed neatly inside. I tossed the book, but kept the assignments to peruse them–interesting reading from the 1980’s.

There were all the different counseling approaches studied with practice assignments placing you with a counselee while using that particular psychoanalytic method. Professors threw at us as students tons of stuff to wade through like early childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, sexual impulses, unconscious factors, transference, disassociation, etc. It was like baking a cake with differing recipes and then trying to find the one you really liked and wanted to serve to others. 

Professors underlined words, placed checkmarks and wrote “OK” or “Good” at the end of the assignment. I was a dedicated Christian and my approach wasn’t always welcomed, even though professors pushed equality, diversity of thought and openness, nonjudgmental attitudes and acceptance. But as a believer, I rarely felt the same from them. I was not free to express my Biblical perspective.

I wasn’t offended, but seeing and feeling so much inequality, all the while equality is being taught seemed disingenuous at the least, feeling attacked at most. In one paper I wrote, “My values would be those closely related to the Christian ethic. Being a Christian will influence me in that it is impossible for me to hide those values or exclude them from a helping relationship. I know I will expose those values without imposing those values on my clients.” The doctor of psychology professor did not agree with me. 

But that was years ago. My degree was completed, followed by 25 plus years of counseling. It was an era of my life that I enjoyed and embraced. Psychology simply means the study of the mind, but who is the One that can truly understand the mind? Who has the answers to each and every issue in life and who brings healing like no other counselor? There is this One who predates psychology by a few years.

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulder. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Women

Resistance in Marriage

Resistance is defined as the act of opposing another. There seems to be this trait of human nature that naturally opposes or pushes back when we interpret the environment to be in opposition of what we desire. Within relationships, resistance seems almost normal or inevitable. 

Can you recall the last time you were called upon to make a personal change in your life? It might have come from someone close to you like your spouse or your boss at work. Were you initially resistant to the request? Why or why not? Perhaps you knew they might be right, but yet you still may have resisted. Too often we have resisted change when it means we are the ones who are called upon to make that change. 

Carol Anderson in her book Mastering Resistance wrote, “Resistance to change in general and resistance to being influenced in particular always occurs when individuals, groups, and systems are required by circumstances to alter their established behaviors. Unless people are immediately persuaded by overwhelming evidence that a change in their behavior is necessary or beneficial…they will resist change in the status quo.” 

That means change for the good can be subject to resistance as well. And that’s how irrational resistance can be. What’s really at stake here is history. History may tell us that change is bad or that change represents someone trying to overpower or control us. How you interpret the change will affect how resistant you may or may not become. 

A healthy marriage is not threatened by leadership roles, power issues, or attempts to control. They do not need to fear change. They understand their particular role and are comfortable to play either leader or follower. Both husband and wife are called upon to be leaders in the home. We may have different roles but both are very important. 

It is not healthy to have one partner do all the initiating and all the decision-making and one partner simply tag along. It is not healthy for both partners to compete for the leadership roles or for both to become passive and no one lead.

When we identify the key roles of each spouse, find out who is better at an area and place them in that role, allowing trust to grow, we will see resistance dissipate. Sometimes we resist purely from our own insecurity. The more secure we become in our relationship and the roles we play within that relationship, the more trust can follow. As trust is built, there is a natural cause and effect–resistance decreases.

Some exercise questions you might consider answering with your mate.

  • How has marriage helped to identify resistance within me?
  • Presently, within what areas of marriage do I struggle with resistance?
  • How has your spouse been an example of being willing to change?
  • How have you been an example of being willing to change?
  • What steps can we take to battle resistance?
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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Help! I’m Married to Someone Who is Opposite of Me!

Do you see yourself as different or opposite from your spouse? Welcome to everyone’s world!

Let me provide for you a window into our early marriage.

Steve, loved to go to bed late. Mary, loved to go to bed early.

Steve, loved to have a devotional time in the evening. Mary, loved to have a devotional time in the morning.

Steve’s into trying new things. Mary, sticking with what works.

Mary, no debt is good debt. Steve, good debt is investment.

Mary, loves to give. Steve, loves to save.

Steve, embracing change. Mary, change comes more slowly, purposefully.

Steve, face the conflict. Mary, conflict is to be avoided.

Mary, everyone is a friend. Steve, friends are selected through trust over time.

You get the picture; we’re different. But here’s the thing about that difference, neither way is necessarily wrong. What is wrong is when we attempt to change our spouse to be more like ourselves because we’re “right.”

Social scientists tell us it takes five to seven years for a marriage to “settle.” I would define settling as becoming mature enough to no longer try to change my spouse but rather to embrace them for who they are and for how God created them. 

You see, maturity helps us to understand we need that difference in our lives.  Yes, we fight and argue about it initially (immaturity), but when the revelation hits us, we soon discover that we are far more powerful, far more rounded, far more complete together than separate, embracing our differences. 

Too often the thought is, “We’re just too different to continue this marriage.” The fact is, God brings to you the person who is not like you so that you can grow and change and then discover how you are to love, respect and accept this person.

Unfortunately, too many persons, husbands and wives, think that power and control can force change for the better. Power and control will never provoke change for the right reasons because a spirit of power and control will also need the threat of negative consequences. The spouse who threatens causes more anger in the relationship.

Love and acceptance sees the difference as a good challenge. Then it sounds something like this: Mary is Steve and Steve is Mary because Steve and Mary need the differences the other brings to the relationship. 

This perspective will cause us to focus on the strengths in our spouse’s life rather than the weaknesses. This perspective will help us to walk in humility knowing we need what our spouse brings to the marriage. This perspective also helps us to not see our spouse as the one who holds us back but rather the one who provides the appropriate caution or pause. And this perspective is going to bring a healthy balance and sometimes compromise to who we are and to who we are becoming.

Today, almost 48 years later, things look a little different.

Steve likes to go to bed early and so does Mary.

Mary loves early morning devotions and so does Steve.

Steve and Mary embrace change together.

Mary’s love of giving has won over Steve.

Mary embraces investment even with some risk and Steve smiles.

Everyone loves Mary more than Steve because Mary is still everyone’s friend.

Steve is more selective about addressing conflict and Mary still dislikes it.

But the greatest of these is love.

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