Category Archives: Insecurity

Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, In the news, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Singles, Training, Women

Maintaining Sexual Boundaries Within our Marriages and Ministries

It’s easy to cross a line today that should not be crossed, but has anyone ever sat you down and told you what some of those lines are? Most likely not. 

This blog is directed toward the male* leader who finds it confusing when complimented on his looks, clothes, his message or his ministry. Or who is responsible to provide counsel and input to such persons? How does one respond to such persons that offer compliments, especially if they are coming from an attractive woman? How can you not be drawn toward or read more into those words that are so flattering and meant specifically for you? 

(*Note: If you are a female pastoral leader to whom these principles will also apply, feel free to substitute the opposite gender references in this article.)

Let’s discuss some boundary lines that will provide wisdom and direction for you.

  1. Meeting alone with a woman in your office: I do not care how professional you think you are, no one is above being tempted by the evil one. Your heart and the heart of your counselee may be perfectly pure, but the enemy of your soul is fully impure. And for the other side of things… all she needs to do is leave your office and claim inappropriateness. You’ll fully understand the saying, “Guilty until proven innocent.” It can end your ministry. Require your female counselee to bring a friend, a female leader in her life or grab a coworker from your office (that she is comfortable with) to sit in with you.
  2. Do not ready yourself for that appointment. This means how you are dressed, how much cologne you wear, and what language you’ll use. All of these can be subtle messages.
  3. Touch means something. Do not hold her hand, stroke her arm or hug her to “comfort” her. Even teenage woman can be confused by your touch. Yes, people need touch and yes, they need hugs, but not in this environment of vulnerability. 
  4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a building or a room alone for a private conversation with the opposite sex. This too is dangerous for you and her. Make sure others are around and you both are visible. 
  5. Do not visit an opposite sex congregant alone. If visiting and you discover her husband or her roommate is not there, do not enter the threshold of that house.
  6. Do your best to not ride alone in a car with a woman who is not your wife or your relative.
  7. Watch your compliments. Compliments about hair, clothing, her recent diet and/or her appearance (especially her shape) in general should be refrained from. Compliments to a child or a senior can be appropriate.
  8. Do not fantasize or dream about woman who you have contact with. These imaginary contacts can actually prepare you for your next connection in a very unhealthy way. 
  9. When you are approached and complimented by that certain woman politely thank her and move on from the conversation. Do not probe further into why she is complimenting you or how she feels about you. When that compliment turns into something like, “Oh, pastor, you’re looking good today” or “Have you been working out lately?” laugh it off and change the subject as soon as you can. Do not acknowledge her compliment or agree with her. 
  10. If you find yourself attracted or see signs of attraction, move away from the situation spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As a leader, you are more than your feelings and thoughts; you are committed to righteousness. Maintain an accountability partner that you can confess to and pray with. Pursue integrity and a proper fear of God. 

Psalm 19:14 is your prayer. “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

You are complete in the Lord (Colossians 2:10) and do not need another opposite sex relationship in your life to bring security or esteem to you. 

You have a two-fold focus when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex: God and your wife (if married). The book of Proverbs reminds us to drink water from your own cistern (Proverbs 5:15). 

As we walk in the proper fear of God, we will only desire to obey Him and be faithful to our spouse. 

  • Proverbs 1:7:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

  • Proverbs 9:10:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

  • Proverbs 14:26:

“In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.”


I’ve told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I’ll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don’t worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father’s instructions right down to the last detail. “Get up. Let’s go. It’s time to leave here. (John 14:30 The Message)

I love how in this passage Jesus was confident that the enemy “has nothing on me.” May the enemy of your soul have nothing on you as you determine to walk in integrity, high moral character, accountability, the fear of the Lord and eyes only for one woman–your wife!

(Thanks to Joe McKeever for inspiration on some of the thoughts above.)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Training

Intimidation

The dictionary says that intimidation is an act of forcing action by inducing fear. What intimidates you? Is it sickness, the fear of major loss, your boss, a teacher, a bully, or a neighbor?

The Bible does deal with this subject when it states, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (II Timothy 1:7) God has not given us a spirit of intimidation. In other words, intimidation is not from God.

I was in my teen years and hearing a military drill sergeant scream and yell profanities along with multiple threats in boot camp for the first of many times. I am not going to lie; it was intimidating, and it was purposefully meant to be. Fear was used as a weapon for personal change. We were leaving civilian life behind to enter into military life. 

In time, however, I discovered it was all a bit of a game. Intimidation was used excessively, but I can still recall the conversation that same drill sergeant had with us after successfully graduating from the torture of “becoming an airman.” He said, “Our training was all very calculated. We knew how far we could push you in order to create the soldier we were looking for.”

How far have you allowed the enemy of your soul to intimidate you? Has he said this sickness will kill you? Has he spoken that you’ll never reach your boss’s expectations? Has he used intimidation to keep you from fulfilling God’s purposes in your life? 

“Don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself.” (Phillipians 1:28 NLT) 

Our confidence and our outspoken boldness is through the power of God who is not and will not be intimated by anyone or anything. Keep your head up and walk in His truth!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day, Leadership, Training

Critics, We All Have Them

Writing anything and then publishing or posting online places you in a position for targeted criticism. What you write will most likely be helpful for many (if that’s your aim), but there are those who were born to be your personal critic. 

I wrote an article on pre- and postmarital counseling for a national magazine once and the following month the only letters to the editor they printed about my article were negative ones. I asked the editor of the magazine if there were any positive or affirming letters about the article and they replied, “Oh yeah, but that doesn’t sell magazines.” Thanks!

Write anything on social media and you’ll have the critic police letting you know everything you said was incorrect and you should be stopped immediately. Never mind that they are under the delusional thought they’re always right and their opinion is the only one that counts. 

It’s disheartening to work so hard on something, to be assured that your facts are straight and noted and that you incorporated multiple pre-readers only to have someone tear it all to pieces. 

And reviews? Forget about it! Having books listed on Amazon opens you to all kinds of inaccurate cruelty. I once received a one-star rating on a book because they looked at one appendix and then judged the whole book on why you shouldn’t buy it based on that information only. And there is no chance of fighting with Amazon about misleading reviews. Seems they love the controversy as well. 

Jesus was criticized once for healing a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath. They said He was “working” on the Sabbath. No matter what you do you’ll find critics. Even if you change something to suit them, they will find something else to criticize. 

I have some good news for you. You do not need their approval. You are not required to change for your critics. Can there be some truth in what they say? Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are not your cheerleaders. Keep your focus on what God has called you to and work as unto Him.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

Everyone has a right to their opinion, and you have the right to either listen to it or not.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

Rejection is Sometimes God’s Protection

We all know how much we embrace and love rejection, right? Normally, rejection hurts and we avoid it at all cost. But sometimes rejection is actually God’s protection. How so?

Think about the time you were rejected for a promotion only to be offered a better job a few months later. Think about the rejection from your girlfriend only to later discover the person you would actually marry. Think about a word of rejection from a close friend, once again to discover it was true and prompted personal change.

There are rejections in this life that somehow, by the hand of God, turn into a blessing of protection for His child. He is ultimately concerned for your greatest good, certainly not your hurt. 

I can recall being rejected while in a serious relationship only to have my eyes opened to eventually discover the one I would marry six months later. At the time, I could see no redemptive purpose in that letter of rejection, but given over to God, He would use it to bring someone else into my world. That was 52 years ago!

I have experienced many rejections since then, only to discover God’s hand was in it because, “…we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

If Jesus is the Lord of your life, you have an unfair advantage even when it comes to rejection. Nothing gets by God…nothing. He loves you and has your best interest in mind! He can turn rejection into protection and with it provide you with new direction.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

Fear vs. Faith

Fear will steal from you;

   Faith will bring increase and enlarge you.

Fear pushes for a retreat;

   Faith pushes for an advance.

Fear brings doubt;

   Faith brings answers.

Fear will keep us from finding our identity;

   Faith moves us toward our identity.

Fear causes us to forget God’s promises;

   Faith causes us to remember God’s promises and then act on them.

Fear delays;

   Faith is now.

Fear brings defeat;

   Faith brings hope.

Fear holds us back;

   Faith moves us ahead.

Fear questions;

   Faith confirms.

Fear brings loss;

   Faith brings gain.

Fear hesitates and vacillates;

   Faith moves us to victory.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Conquer your fears with a spirit of faith!

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

You are Uniquely You

A Thirty Day Devotional adapted from the NEW book: Identity: The Distinctiveness of You – Day 24

I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. Ephesians 1:3

I am the temple of the Holy Spirit. I Corinthians 6:19

Every decision we make is made through our past experiences, our present desires and thoughts or our future wants or needs.  God has created us with the capacity to think within all three of these realms or dimensions.  The memory capacity of our brains is simply amazing, as it provides for us the knowledge needed from past experience for decision making today.

Just imagine if we lacked memory.  We would not know how to drive home from work today.  We would not know or be able to identify our spouse in the morning when we wake up.  We would have to start each new day reading a memory log from the day before: who we are, where we live, where we work or go to school.  Life would function so differently.  We can conclude memory is not only necessary for life, it provides so much wonderful meaning to life.

The Bible says what we sow, we reap (See Galatians 6:7, 8.).  What I sow today, determines the return I will have on that seed tomorrow.  If I desire a certain crop in the future, then I have to sow that seed today.  Not one farmer expects to reap where they have not sown, but every farmer fully expects to reap where they have sown.  You may expect to be a millionaire one day in the future, but if you do nothing and place no effort toward that goal today, you will never see it.  It is easy to then become deceived into thinking you’ll win the lottery or inherit that million, but without earning it.  The scriptures describe this type of gain as ill-gotten treasure.  (Proverbs 10: 2)

Do you want to live in health in your latter years?  Take measures today to exercise and eat healthy because when reaching tomorrow, today will be the past.  Do you desire to be free of pain from your past?  Then do something about it today and forgive those who have hurt you and bless those who have cursed you.  

Unfortunately, I experienced a lot of cavities as a child.  My family did not use toothpaste with fluoride in it.  Fluoride wasn’t even marketed in those days.  My trips to the dentist were fear-filled and excruciating.  Today, I pay the price of dealing with crowns to save my teeth.  My past dental care affects my present oral condition and will continue to affect my future.  

You just cannot separate these three: the past, the present and the future.  But you can start making decisions in alignment with God’s word and His direction for your life.  A better decision today means a better outcome tomorrow.  A destructive decision today means certain pain in our future.

For example, are you a worrier?  I mean, does your mind immediately go to the exercise of worry when an unknown is surfacing?  Or, is your response to a present worrisome issue one of going to your heavenly Father in prayer and trust?  One response is trusting and relying upon yourself and your capacity to worry (needing to solve the issue yourself) and the other is trusting God and His capacity to intervene both in the here-and-now and the future.  Philippians 4: 6,7 reminds us to not be anxious and if we’ll petition God along with giving thanks, the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds.  Peace does not follow worry; it follows prayer and trusting God, literally giving our worry to God.  (See Psalm 37: 1-8.)

Question for reflection:

If you find yourself to be a worrier, how does your worry affect your present-day life?

Order your book today here.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Identity, Insecurity, Issues of the Day

The Power of Fear

I recently posted a quote from my book, Identity: The Distinctiveness of You, onto Facebook that went like this: “Fear can be very real because the consequences are very real.” Not all fear is bad, but not all fear in our lives is filled with truth either. Often a “truth” we carry is not the truth. 

Fear will enable us to carry thoughts, emotions and reactions to beliefs that feel very real, but are based on lies. For example, if we fear snakes, we will be on the lookout for them as we walk a narrow hiking trail in the mountains. When we come across a brown or black crooked object on the ground, we may think, “SNAKE” and run. But when we take a closer look we discover it’s a stick and our heart returns to our chest. Fear is programed in our minds from a past experience in order to keep us safe from the object we fear. 

But the truth is: most snakes are harmless. However, that doesn’t matter when we fear them. We’ll fear all snakes. 

The scriptures remind us that perfect love casts out fear. (I John 4:18, 19) So, the opposite of fear is love. Let’s consider some everyday fears versus the reaction of love.

Fear requires us to perform. When love is present, we desire to do well.

Fear will not maintain a healthy relationship, while love will be what holds a healthy relationship together. 

Fear will impede your responses. Love will bring you the freedom to respond.

Fear will keep you from taking risks or chances. Love allows the freedom to be a risk-taker. 

Fear will hold you back from maturity. Love is an encourager and promotes personal growth.

When in fear, you will hold back. When in love, you will give away more freely. 

Fear will cause you to lack confidence. Love grows confidence.

Fear can be full of self, while love is selfless. 

Yes, fear is real, but love is far more powerful. Ask God for more of His love so that fear is overwhelmed and has to retreat. “For God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1:7)

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Challenge, Encouragement, Insecurity, Marriage, Men, Women

Husbands, Love Your Wife and Wives, Love Your Husband (even if they forget the suitcase)

We were all packed and ready to go. I was doing some last-minute email and text message replies while my gracious wife voluntarily packed the car for our five-hour trip to New York. We would be staying at a retreat house and needed to pack lots of extra items. 

With my wife’s assurance, we were ready to hit the road. It was a beautiful drive through the upper Alleghany mountains of Pennsylvania on into New York. After stopping for lunch, for fuel and for a you-know-what-break, we pulled into our destination and began unloading.

It all went smoothly without a hitch. We would meet with the leadership couple soon and begin prepping for our seminar the next day. 

Horrified, my wife came into the bedroom where I was attempting to find a phone signal and declared, no, with panic in her voice loudly stated, “Steve, I forgot to pack our suitcase!” Wow, a whole weekend without a change of clothing and necessary care items. How would we respond to each other? How emotional would we become? What fighting words of anger might follow?

I looked at her and said, “You’re kidding, really?” I began to laugh and attempted to reassure her it was okay and it was as much my fault as it was hers. 

We both started laughing, knowing we just created a memory. A quick trip to Walmart was now being planned.

 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25-28 The Message)

So, how do we practically walk those specific verses out in our marriage?

  1. Give each other the benefit of the doubt – just as we often give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We all forget things.
  2. Serve – serving one another can never get old. It keeps our attitudes right toward each other. Serving keeps us from becoming selfish in our relationship. 
  3. Always show compassion – criticism will kill a relationship. Compassion toward your life mate will build relational connection. Be understanding, not just desiring to be understood.
  4. Express love and words of affirmation – be each other’s encourager and build up your mate with life-giving affirmations. Tell her she looks great in that outfit. Tell him he’s as strong as he was the day you met him. Say the words “I love you” daily; never miss a day even if it has to be over the phone or a text message.
  5. Live oneness – in your oneness, realize that what hurts you hurts your life mate. If you speak words of critical judgment, you are as well speaking those words over yourself.

All of these practices will help to build love and security in your marriage. The more security and love you build in your marriage, the more emotional, physical and spiritual oneness you will enjoy.

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Challenge, Children, Identity, Insecurity, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Providing Security for Your Children

What is the number one security need of a child? The answer is an intact family. Expressed or not, children whose parents remain together are more secure children. A close-knit family, regardless of personal family income or status, will give their children a sense that all is good in the world. 

As parents express affection in front of the children on a daily basis, it just might cause some initial reactions of “gross,” but on the inside they’ll be smirking with delight. 

Are you holding hands in front of your children, kissing or expressing love to one another? Are you praying together, going out on dates and verbalizing out loud to one another how important you each are? Do your children witness your uncompromising love, commitment and personal connection? Do your children hear you thank and appreciate one another for all you do to make this family work?

These are expressions of security to your children. Incorporate them on a daily basis and watch their reactions. They may tell you to “Go get a room,” but their security meter will be on the rise.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Identity, Insecurity

Healing Damaged Emotions

When we suffer a deep physical wound, we are rushed off to the emergency room to have that wound receive necessary and immediate attention. It gets anesthetized, then cleaned and finally sown up from the inside out so the healing process can begin. We are administered antibiotics to ward off infection and told to go home to rest and take our pain medicine as prescribed.

But what happens when we receive an emotional wound? Rarely do we treat it with the same attention. We tell ourselves that it will be ok, it’s not too deep and in time it will go away. But what if it doesn’t? What do we do then? I have yet to see an ER for an emotional wound, but I believe God knows just how to administer healing to the wounded soul and spirit.

When discussing healing of emotional wounds, the first question to be asked is, “What are we desiring to heal?” Dr. David Seamands in his book, Healing for Damaged Emotions, states, “As trees have rings hidden under the bark of the tree which help to reveal its history, so we as humans have concealed pain under our protective skin.” Inside we have recorded “rings of our lives.” Dr. Seamands goes on to point out that these rings “…deeply affect our concepts, our feelings, our relationships. They affect the way we look at life and God, at others and ourselves.”

What are some of these damaged emotions? One of the most common is rejection – a feeling of unworthiness and inferiority. Other damages occurred when our security and significance were threatened. A perfectionistic parent can place unattainable expectations upon a child or fears may be handed down from a fear-filled parent or other authority figures.

Healing these areas means we must be willing to crawl down into the trenches of our lives.

There are two scriptures that come to mind concerning this level of healing:

I Thessalonians 5:2: “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

Romans 8:5-11 (v. 5-6): “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”

God’s Spirit through our spirit longs to heal our minds and emotions. He desires our whole being to be in health. 

There are three very important steps we can take to enter into this level of healing:

1.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of deception and denounce them.

2.  Ask for Jesus’ cleansing through an honest and sincere confession to have Him purify them of all unrighteousness.

3.  Maintain humility, hide nothing and confess everything.

All of us have memories—memories of things that happened to us. Memories are real and often factual, but at the core of human pain is often a lie—something that is not true. Memory is a wonderful thing unless there is a lie connected to the memory.

The Lord does not wipe clean our memory banks, but He will bring the truth to any lies we are telling ourselves which perpetuate the wounds. Often people know the truth, but do not apply it to the lie. The pain is not coming from the memory, but the lie within the memory. The significance of believing a lie is that it may as well be the truth: the consequences are the same. 

I can recall a counselee who perceived herself to be overweight. She certainly was not overweight but was now struggling with anorexia, starving herself in order to “be thin and accepted.” Where did this originate from? She had a memory of a boyfriend who frequently reminded her of her weight, telling her that any girlfriend of his had to be thin. Housed within that memory was a lie she accepted that went something like this: “If I am to be loved by him, attractive to him, I need to lose weight and be thin.”

Paul told the Ephesian church they were to “put off” their old and the corrupted desires while “putting on” a new attitude of the mind in order to reflect righteousness in becoming like God. Our Counselor, Jesus, must reveal to us our old self and the lies that support those wounds. He then chooses to be the Truth so that we can put on the new self of His creation, reflecting the likeness and character of our Savior.

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