Individuals are “hooking up” at the workplace, on social media and along the sidelines of their kids sporting events. We tend to have an insatiable desire for understanding and a listening ear and when we receive that from someone other than our spouse, we are walking on shaky ground.
Dr. Gail Saltz psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital said this concerning affairs, “Many people convince themselves so long as there is not sex it is not an affair, but it is. It has to do with secrecy, deception and betrayal and the emotional energy you are putting into the other person vs. your partner. The most difficult thing to recover from is not sex, but the breaking of trust. Those involved in an emotional affair are often in denial. They do not think they’re having an affair at all. The denial keeps them guilt free and they tell themselves, ‘It’s just a friendship.’”
So, how do you know you’re in an emotional affair? Dr Saltz shares ten warning signs:
- When your meetings are kept secret from your spouse.
- When you say and do things with someone you would never do in front of your spouse or you would feel guilty if your spouse happened to show up.
- When you make it a point to arrange private talk time with this person.
- When you share things with them that you do not share with your partner.
- When you avoid telling your partner how much time you may be spending with this person.
- When you are stating things about your marriage that you should not be telling another, opening a window to your heart and unmet emotional needs.
- When you begin discussing your marital dissatisfaction.
- When you tell this person more about your day than you do your partner.
- When you “ready your appearance” in anticipation of seeing this person.
- When there is sexual attraction spoken or unspoken between you.
What to do:
- Pray, confess to God, ask for forgiveness and repent.
- Treat an emotional affair like any other affair – cut it off fully and completely (stop calling, stop email, stop texting, etc.). If you do not end it, you will not rebuild trust with your mate.
- Stop flirting; stop daydreaming about it.
- Realize that you cannot even remain “friends” with this person.
- Turn your heart away from it and toward your marriage relationship.
- Put your emotional energy into healing yourself and your marriage relationship.
- You must take responsibility. You got yourself into this mess, you need to own it.
- Become trustworthy in order to work at rebuilding trust. Be accountable with your whereabouts, come home immediately. Do not allow questioning or wondering on your mates part with thoughts of “where is she?” or “how long could it possibly take for him to go to the hardware store?”
- Be open with your internet use and cell phone use, hide nothing.
- Look long and hard at why you did it, how you found yourself in this position.
You cannot redo anything, you simply must move forward. You must walk in honest confession and humility. Humility keeps you from becoming defensive and blaming another.
You must forgive one another and yourself. There is no greater answer than the forgiveness of God through the love of His Son. You must remain accountable. Accountability is a huge ingredient because marriage infractions always take place in an environment of deception.
Get outside counsel and direction as soon as possible. Do not try to do it all yourself. Re-attach yourself to your mate. Most likely you have moved away from one another in some areas of your relationship. Pray with and pray for your life mate. Finally, you must learn to rest in the redemption of your Savior.
What does the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, mean to you?
I grew up without a fear of dogs until one cold and snowy day. While sledding at my neighbor’s house, their mean-spirited German Shepherd was released from his chain (a big chain I might add). He chose to go after me while on my sled and bite me in my meatier portion through several pair of pants. I immediately went home crying. Later, around age 15, I was riding my motorcycle past a neighboring farm and their mongrel decided he didn’t like motorcycle riders. He actually caught me, made a leap straight up and latched on to my left arm. I had several really nice puncture wound, landing my mother and me at the Dr. for a tetanus shot and wound care.
A number of years ago my wife and I visited some churches in the nation of Rwanda. We were responding to an invitation to share marriage principles with these lovely, but broken people. Just leaving the airport, we were told by our hosts, “But first, you will visit the genocide museum.” Mary and I could hardly speak after seeing those images and reading about what happened in this war-torn nation. We were wrecked from the inside out and, quite honestly, our hearts ached. It was difficult to gather our emotional selves for the service that evening. As we looked into the Rwandan’s eyes that night, we wondered what images they carried with them.
Our family often had the nations around our table as our children grew up. We loved the cultural examples each one brought to us. I remember in particular a couple from Zimbabwe who we invited from a local college for Thanksgiving. In the middle of the meal the wife told us, “You throw away the best parts of the turkey.” We all had a great laugh because we do not eat the head, liver or the feet of a turkey. But we desired our children to know and understand that every life is valuable to God and His design for them. God’s kingdom is a kingdom of nations and nations represent people.
Proverbs 12 tells us, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” What does your tongue bring to those around you, your co-workers and your acquaintances? I am personally challenged by my thoughts (not often spoken, but still thought) that do not think the best of others or those thoughts which do not give those different from me the benefit of the doubt. To have the privilege of traveling the world and to experience different cultures is enlightening, while at the same time difficult to not think comparatively, i.e., my culture vs. their culture.
Politicians can be an especially difficult bunch due to their near truths or outright lies, placating, patronizing, cover-ups, political correctness and bottom line desire of being reelected. You rarely know who is telling the truth today. You especially rarely know the full truth because of a press that now also includes “fake news.” Further, the news outlets often only report what will support their causes and their politicians. It is why I love inside reports from Christian leaders I am acquainted with (throughout the world) who are in the know about so much of what is truthfully happening around the world.
As Christ followers, we have a long way to go to do more listening, considering, growing and developing. But there are many undeniable written words from God that do not and will not change with culture. We are called to influence culture with Biblical truth. While our opinion may be valuable to some, it will not supernaturally change a life.
Where did your beliefs come from? Have you ever thought about that question or do you just assume your beliefs are mostly correct? It’s a simple question that takes a fair amount of reflection.
Dating is not a centuries old concept. Dating is a far more recent notion than that, but unlike what Hollywood presents, dating is NOT about how good someone is in the bedroom. The following are ten distinctive thoughts to consider if you or someone you know is involved in a dating relationship.
We hear far too many reports about marriages that are not lasting. When marriage is full of selfishness, insecurity and immaturity, marriage becomes an attempt to receive healing from our spouse, i.e., if they’re the problem, they’re the solution as well. When our spouse deals with the same inadequacies, they are unable to give what we’re looking for. Over a period of time, the thought of having married the wrong person is often generated.
issues in your life. Too often we blame our spouse for our worst and then think they’re the problem, believing the lie that all would be better if they would make all the changes.
Maggie has never had a problem with her self-image. She loves life and makes the best of every minute. She loves people and believes that they all love and accept her unconditionally. Maggie has never stared into a mirror and felt hopeless. She’s never even desired to look at herself in a mirror and make any kind of judgment. She is perfectly content with who she is, what she wears, the shape of her body, the color of her eyes, the size of her nose, and the shape of her ears. Maggie blindly trusts in her Creator. She is content to be who she is. You see, Maggie is our yellow Labrador Retriever.
A child receives his self-image through how he perceives the adults in his life perceiving him. When I tell my daughter that she’s beautiful, she will believe that she is beautiful. You see, someone who is very important to her, someone she can trust, someone who is bigger, older, wiser and stronger told her something about herself, and she has no reason to not believe it.
How is this accomplished? I must correct and reward my children. It’s a part of life. However, I must differentiate that while reward and correction have to do with behavior, it is never a question that I love and accept their personhood. In their mere existence, they are important to me. I always approve of them as individuals. They can never do anything to not be my children. A verse in Colossians, chapter one, will help to explain this principle. Verse 21 tells us that we were at one time alienated from God—even in our minds, because of our evil behavior. “But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation…”
