Category Archives: Marriage

Encouragement, Marriage, Prayer, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor IV

It was Jesus who told us to trust in God and in Him (John 14: 1).  Is it easy to trust God?  Humanly speaking, the first thing we often consider when trusting is if we have experienced failure in some way.  If we find no failure or fault in a relationship, then we trust.  The end result of this type of thinking is that trust can (and will) be broken rather quickly and easily; it only takes one incident of mistrust.  Trust within a marriage relationship is tested quite often.  If there is not a bank load of trust in the relationship, we will come to expect failure which, of course, will reinforce why we should not fully trust another, even God.

Close friends communicate deeply.  Close Christian friends communicate with God: we call it prayer.  Marriages that truly desire to build trust cannot do so through correct behavior, actions or reactions only.  We all fail sometime.  Marriages that meet within the intimacy of prayer, will find a trust that is deeper, less fault-finding and far more grace-filled than those marriages that do not engage in prayer.  Married partners too often move toward a trusted same-sex friend to pray with, thwarting the very design of God for intimacy within the gift of marriage oneness.  Want to build your trust bank?  Start praying together regularly.  (Perhaps you could leave a “reply” with this entry about how you have found prayer building trust in your marriage relationship in order to help others.)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor III

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

John Gottman of the University of Washington has said, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  Good friends are not easy to come by;  really great and close friends are even more difficult to find or maintain.  While there are volumes of books written on romance and sexual issues, finances and budgets, there seems to be too few mentioning friendship and how to maintain it while married.  Is friendship really that far down on the necessities of marriage priorities scale?  I don’t think so.

 In 1977 when Mary and I were married for only two years, we loaded up our moving truck to travel from southern Virginia to northern Pennsylvania.  We were going to begin a faith-based ministry to teenagers.  It was during those eight years of service that we became best friends.  Everyday life depended on the two of us walking together in unity, in faith and prayerful agreement.  We could not afford to fight each other as the spiritual atmosphere we lived in on a daily basis was enough to fight through.  We found emotional closeness, we found spiritual oneness and we found advocacy within the arms of one another.  Being friends caused our home to be more welcoming and friendly.  What else did we discover in those years to build a friendship relationship?

Time off and being away together

Laughing together

Talking, sharing, relating, praying (simply being nice to one another)

Protecting one another

Becoming consistently loyal to one another (one heart)

Refusing to put ourselves or our spouse down (we are one)

Believing the best in one another (good will)

Defending one another

Building Christ in one another (Colossians 1:28)

Praising in public; confronting in private

Smiling at one another for no particular reason

Kissing and saying “I love you” in different ways daily

Holding hands, always holding hands

 

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor II

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows.

We have often heard that trust is built on a very thin thread.  Because relationships are the most important thing in life, trust becomes a key ingredient.  Without trust, a relationship can only go so far.  The relationship will have a very clear line of demarcation that says, “This is as far as we go until there is a deeper level of trust.”  Whether it is a work relationship, a marriage relationship or a local church relationship, building trust takes time.  When trust is broken, especially by those who we love, the hurt is deeper and taken more personally.  The fact remains, the less I have invested in a relationship, the less the hurt.

“But I thought I could trust you…” are words none of us ever desire to hear.  It means someone feels that we have failed them.  The trust factor, when connected to love in a relationship that we have spent hours or perhaps years investing in, is a huge ingredient in the future of the relationship.  In other words, sow seeds of trusting and being trustworthy today and you’ll reap the harvest of a deeper relationship tomorrow.  Said another way, if mistrust is felt or expressed today, perhaps we need to take a closer look at yesterday.

For example, if every time you go shopping you spend more money than what you and your spouse agreed upon, trust erodes with each incident.  As we recognize our weaknesses through the mistakes we make and take responsibility for them with accountability, the trust level can be rebuilt.  Like a broken bone in our body, it takes a significant time to heal.  But once it does, medical science tells us that the bone will not break there again as it welds itself back into place.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day.  With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows. 

Mary, my dear wife of almost 37 years, (As a customs agent once told us when we were attempting to return to the USA, “Wow, you guys are REALLY married.”) and I had been driving through the night after I worked a long evening shift.  We traveled most of the way on four-lane divided highways and then found a brand new “expressway” en route to the eastern shore, our destination.  Assuming all expressways are four lanes of divided traffic, I headed east casually attempting to pass the car in front of me when suddenly realizing we had headlights aiming straight for us.  Wondering out loud what this idiot driver was doing, I quickly merged back into the right hand lane.

Now I couldn’t just run anyone off the road, in my late night stupor, I ran a Maryland state patrolmen off the road (literally).  With lights flashing we pulled over only to have a two foot long and very bright flashlight pointed in my wife’s direction.  I will never forget the troopers first words, “Ma’am, do you trust driving with this… (uncomfortable pause here)…man?”

What would my new bride of one year say in answer to this question?  He might as well have been asking, “Ma’am, do you trust anything this moron does or says?”  We were newlyweds, still adjusting, still learning the idiosyncrasies of each other and establishing our trust levels.  The question this intimidating officer of the law imposed was deeper than my driving skills.  What would she say?  How would she respond as I sat in my car shaking with fear?  Mary looked at me, then looked at him and said, “Yes sir, I do.”  “Get out of the car!” were his first words to me.

After walking the white line, touching my finger to my nose with my eyes closed hearing this man’s angry words over and over, sitting in the back seat of his well equipped cruiser and a hefty ticket forthcoming, I was a happy, happy man.  My wife, my best friend said she trusted me even after almost killing her in a head on collision.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage

God Devises Ways to Reach the Estranged

It is fascinating how that God loves the estranged, the banished, the marginalized and the poor.  His heart is after the one who is not after His.  So many times we hear a story of how God directly intervened in a life that was desperate and without hope.  Personally, I love those stories because they build faith for the many persons we know who are in need of that personal encounter.

There is this fantastic scripture found in II Samuel 14:14 that says, “But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.”  Don’t you just love that?  Can’t you see your Father in heaven “devising ways?”  Perhaps you’re a part of one of those “ways” in someone’s life today.  God just might be speaking to you or opening an encounter for you so that an estranged one is touched by Him.  This past weekend we met a couple who are praying for an estranged loved one to make his way back to the Savior.  Maybe you’re the one to encounter him?

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Leadership, Marriage

Humility

Did you ever sing that chorus, It’s All About Me?  It goes something like this:  It’s all about me, Jesus, it’s not about You…  Joking of course, but there are times I feel as though I am singing it from my flesh – my need.  It is anything but a humble cry.  But it is a cry of the soul in our me centered world and it’s easy to get caught up in it myself.  Rick Warren said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”  I like the balance of that statement.  Charles Spurgeon once said, “Humility is to make a right estimate of one’s self.”  So how do you balance those quotes with this one, “Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth?”  (Numbers 12:3)  Do you know who God used to write those words?  Moses himself.

Someone once said that humility is like underwear, essential, but indecent if it shows.  Benjamin Franklin  spoke about humility when he said, “A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.”  Jesus said, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”  (Matthew 23:12)  Humility does not come by taking a class on the subject or by listening to a sufficient number of sermons on the topic.  It does come, however, by difficult life experiences.  It comes when we are tempted to walk in selfish ambition or speak of ourselves in prideful ways.  It comes when someone reminds us of a fault and we have to take ownership for that fault, swallow our pride and ask for forgiveness.  Humility comes from wisdom Proverbs tells us (Proverbs 11:2), and wisdom comes from “the fear of the Lord.”  (Proverbs 15:33a)

Perhaps Benjamin Franklin was right when he said, “Humility makes great men twice honorable.”   (Proverbs 15:33b states, “…humility comes before honor.”)

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Leadership, Marriage, Singles

Jesus, a Man’s Man?

Twenty five men from Washington DC gathered together this past weekend at a retreat center in the mountains of Maryland.  Annually they separate from their jobs, their families, their local church and their everyday normal life to learn, to play, to stay up late watching college football, and to not shave.  One of the topics discussed was about Jesus, the Son of God, a man’s man.  This is what we discovered:

He is powerful – Mark 5:30; 11:12-14, 20-25

He commands respect – Mark 1:16-20. 27; 15:5

He’s in control – Mark 6:50

He stands up to and does not run from confrontation – Mark 2:23-28; 3:22-30; 11:27-33

He knows how to take a beating – Mark 15:19-20

He understands His mission and purpose and will not be sidetracked – Mark 8:31-34; 9:30-32; 10:33-34

He is compassionate – Mark 6:34; 10:15-16

Masculinity is under attack in our culture today.  John Piper calls masculinity a sense of “benevolent responsibility” to lead, protect and provide for women.  Author Stu Webber wrote, “The measure of a man is the spiritual and emotional health of his family…a vision for strong sons and confident daughters.  Without that vision and leadership, a family struggles, gropes and may lose its way.”

As a man, Jesus knew who He was and clearly stated, “This is who I am; this is where I came from; this is what I do; and this is where I am going.” (John 8: 12-18, 23-30) Jesus was an initiator because initiation is the bottom line of masculinity.  It means leading to provide, to mentor, to father, to befriend, to apologize, to develop, to invent, to love and to take responsibility with tender, but masculine authority.

We could hear Jesus asking, “Are you willing to follow the One who created the masculine soul?”

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Leadership, Marriage, Prayer, Small Groups, Training

“God Told Me…”

“But I know I heard God on this.”  “The Holy Spirit revealed to me…”  “God spoke to me.”  You and I have heard those words many times and perhaps said them ourselves.  But what happens when the person saying them is going directly against the word of God or you know their “hearing” is based more upon emotional desire than true insight from God?  Stay with me here.  I am not saying God does not speak today because I know He does.  It is just that we find difficulty in refuting the phrases listed above.  I mean, how do you come against or in direct conflict with the words, “I know I heard God on this?”  It would seem impossible, but then the person could be left with some disastrous outcomes.

Let me give you a few pointers to offer such persons speaking so matter of fact.  First, have they ever been wrong?  I mean, have they ever missed God or have they been 100% correct all the time in hearing from God?  Second, what are their overseers saying on the subject?  Have they found any wisdom in a multitude of counselors?  Are these counselors cautioning them and are they listening to those cautions?  And third, could God change it up even if they did hear Him correctly and they are in the midst of obeying that voice?  Abraham is an example of what I am referring to.  In Genesis 22, Abraham heard the voice of God instruct him to take his son, Isaac, up the mountain to sacrifice him.  Abraham gathers his supplies the next morning along with his son and set out to the place God told him to go.  He bound his son, took out his knife, raised his arms and all of a sudden heard a voice from heaven saying, “Abraham, Abraham…do not lay a hand on the boy.”  What if Abraham insisted on following God’s voice from the first command and resisted the second voice?

Don’t get stuck, cornered, or manipulated by others even when they are confident in their hearing.  We can bring an appropriate challenge to those who use these phrases.  In the end, they are responsible to properly discern in their hearing, but we do not have to always agree.  When we use these phrases, let’s be sure it is God and continue listening because He may change it up.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #21

This is the twenty-first and the final in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  It is a list of questions that I have compiled over time from those who were involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships.  Be totally honest with yourself and record your answers.

21. Do I love and respect myself enough to say “yes” to healthy relationships and “no” to unhealthy relationships?  The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do I keep finding similar unhealthy patterns in my dating relationships?

Do I try to “fix” those I date?

Do I cling on to those who I date, causing them to feel smothered?

Do I feel valued for who I am within my opposite sex relationships?

What makes this a safe or unsafe relationship?

How is conflict resolved within this relationship?

Do I feel this person really listens to me with respect?

Is there any power struggle within this relationship?

Who is the leader?

Am I 100% honest with this person, why or why not?

Do I feel like a better, more valuable person around this relationship?

Is my unique and individual identity in tact when I am with this person or do I feel that I need to be someone else?

Do I feel pressure to do or say things I am not comfortable with?

Is sexual activity a part of this relationship or do I feel pushed in that direction?

Am I being asked to quit something I enjoy or pull away from any of my same-sex friends?

Am I growing and being challenged in a positive way through this relationship?

Do I feel accepted unconditionally?

Do I have the freedom to think and feel differently than the one I am dating?

Do I feel any form of manipulation in this relationship and if so, why?

Is my spiritual walk encouraged and enhanced by this person?

Do I like who I am when I spend time with this person?

How is this relationship encouraging me to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals?

 

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #20

This is the twentieth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

20. Can this person forgive and release?  Does this person get offended quickly?  Does he/she hold grudges?  Does conflict help him/her to grow and become better or bitter?  Does he/she avoid others, grow quiet or become angry when those relationships present challenges or confrontation?  (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32)

Do you know the six most challenging, most difficult words to say in a committed relationship like engagement and marriage?  Those six words are, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  Ask any of your friends that are married how easy those words come.  Ask long-term married persons if they are over their pride so that those six words roll off of their tongue quite easily.  Why are they so tough to speak when we can apologize so quickly to the stranger on the street?  Why are we so full of pride when it comes to admitting that we could be wrong around those we love the most?  That’s just it…those we love the most.  We have the most invested in those relationships.  We just don’t want to disappoint those persons who are closest to us, who really know who we are.  We don’t want to be wrong around them because we don’t want to fail them.  We make it a “right” and a “wrong” issue when it is really an issue of being able to humble ourselves and admit that we do not know it all, we are not always right and we do not always have the best of intentions.  Sometimes we are purely selfish and that is hard to face.

Maturity brings with it a spirit of humility and an ability to quickly ask for forgiveness, as well as, forgiving others.  It is a choice we make.  God is using those persons around you to build Himself in you so that we can also say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”   (Luke 23:34)

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