Author Gary Thomas wrote in his book, Sacred Marriage, “…the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate; it’s apathy.” Do you agree? When a partner within marriage becomes apathetic, it can become a destroyer of the relationship. An intimate relationship like marriage takes effort, planning, intentional closeness and investment. In other words, there is a very clear plan of building.
My wife and I just finished our annual evaluation and vision weekend. We go away for an overnight and we give God thanks for all He has done in our lives. Then we evaluate our year. We evaluate our family, our marriage, our sex lives, our finances, our jobs, our schedules, etc. We simply evaluate everything we can think of to evaluate. After this time, we turn a corner and we pray about the future, our vision for our marriage, our family, our ministries, our volunteer projects and anything else we need goals and vision for. Lastly, we update our marriage mission statement. It is an amazing time of prayer, reflection, deep communication and stated succinctly: intentional, side-by-side effort to hear God, honor one another and build on our continued bond of oneness.
Mary often tells me, “I feel like we are on the same page when we leave this time to return home.” A marriage on the same page today is an accomplishment. It takes vulnerability, openness, humility to hear hard things about yourself and the desire to change. Because, let’s face it, going into this time we project hearing how well we’re doing and how great our marriage is. When we hear something challenging or confrontive and we must interpret that as a need for us (me) to change, it all starts to hit home and we can become defensive.
For this time, freedom is the goal. Honesty is the goal. Growing toward each other is the goal. That can only happen when we as a couple pursue interdependence and forsake independence. When we truly love each other and desire the very best for one another, we do not need to become defensive, but rather face the fact that I (we) am (are) not perfect. This time taken away to be ruthlessly honest with each other means we are willing to face the truth about ourselves in order to become the spouses that truly reflect the image of Christ to our family.
Do not let apathy into your heart. Fight it, pray against it and take steps to rid your life and marriage relationship of it. Consider an evaluation/vision weekend before the end of the year or early in the new year. We guarantee you will find it revitalizing, energizing and healthy, actually nourishing, to your marriage.
Your comments concerning Beth Moore and women like her seem shame-filled, judgmental and clearly challenged by the word of God and the life of His Son while on the earth. Please consider these scriptures found in the book of Luke concerning those who supported Jesus’ ministry.
Often the phrase, “Well, I’ll just divorce him or her,” is glibly spoken. If you are truly considering this option, then also consider some of these very real consequences.
Journalist and author Mignon McLaughlin once said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Someone once shared with me these words, “I’ll respect him when he starts respecting me.” Still another said, “When she starts acting respectable, I’ll show her respect.” Really? Since when is respect conditional upon another respecting you?
I love how author Gary Thomas weighs in on this very subject, “As our partners and their weaknesses become more familiar to us, respect often becomes harder to give. But this failure to show respect is more a sign of spiritual immaturity than it is an inevitable pathway of marriage.” He also notes, “When there is mutual respect in marriage, selflessness becomes contagious…. If you want to obsess about them [weaknesses], they’ll grow, but you won’t!”
Marriage minefields are fields where we have buried or hidden devices (memories) just below the surface. We actually move forward in life by frequently looking backward. Most day-to-day life is not filled with new revelation but memory. Memory helps us to find our way home after work. Memory is used daily in order to live life. Life without the ability to recall even the slightest, most mundane details or important ones would be disastrous.
Some of our memories contain lies or misbeliefs and still others are inaccurate. It was not uncommon for John and Elizabeth (not their real names) to experience knock-down, drag-out arguments. In sheer frustration late one evening, John looked at Elizabeth and said, “That’s it; I’m out of here!” Immediately, Elizabeth went silent and fell to the floor in a fetal position, where she sobbed uncontrollably. Even though John ran immediately to his wife, knelt beside her, and desperately tried to console her, it was as if he had left. Elizabeth didn’t or couldn’t hear his voice or acknowledge his presence. John later discovered that when his wife was six years old, she overheard her parents fighting. Her father’s words rang out as he screamed, “That’s it; I’m out of here!” Elizabeth never saw her father again
Elizabeth was no longer fighting with John; she was wrestling with pain-filled memories planted in a minefield just below the surface. Was it the argument they needed to resolve, or was it Elizabeth’s past hurts that needed to be healed? From many stories like this one, I have come to believe that most relationship issues in the present have a connection to the past; therefore, what seem like marital issues are often individual issues. I am convinced that when Jesus heals our individual issues, sins, hurts, and disappointments, marriage relationship issues can also be healed. *
Many years ago, a wiser, older, more mature couple taught us this phrase: praise in public; construct in private. By that phrase they meant to always provide a word of praise for your mate when with your family, at your work place, with your friends or in any social setting. They also encouraged us to never, ever put our mate down, shame them, humiliate them or correct them in a negative sense in public. We took this counsel to heart and have adapted it for our marriage relationship.
Perhaps lechery is a word you are not familiar with. If you look into its meaning the dictionary states, “…unrestrained or excessive indulgence of sexual desire.” I have come across this “desire” within some marriages. Usually, it is the man who relentlessly pursues an inordinate desire for sexual relations, but this is not always the case.
I always loved being a father. While not the easiest job in the world, it was my favorite and most rewarding. Having children to hold, train, read to, discipline, play with and love is a God-given honor. And quite honestly, I made lots of mistakes as a father because there is no perfect earthly father.
Fathering is a call from God and it’s a higher priority than your job, your hobbies, your buddies, your house and mostly…yourself! If you still have children in your home or grandchildren, you have a direct link to build the life of Christ in them (Colossians 1:28). Be the type of father that represents Jesus well and determine to leave a legacy of love, acceptance and approval.
