Category Archives: Parents

Children, Parents

A Father, Two Children Fishing and Fear

images-3My son and I were on a fishing outing, enjoying the day of catching trout and cooperative warm spring weather. That is, all except for, one disturbing situation close by us. That situation was a dad with two small (elementary age) children, a boy and a girl. It was just great that he was taking his youngsters fishing and we applaud him for that. But that was the only positive thing we can say about him. What we continually observed was disheartening and troubling and we can only imagine that those two small children would rather not have been by the stream at all. It was painful to watch and difficult to not comment. Never once did those kids laugh or excitedly yell, “I got one,” even though they did catch fish. Here’s why.images-2

They were afraid. They lived in fear. They did not smile and neither did they show any emotion. They were never told, “Good job; way to go, or you’re doing great.” What they were told was what they were doing wrong with abrasive expressions like, “What’s the matter with you?” “Sit down and shut-up; I told you not to move.” “How can you possibly get your line caught so often?” On and on it went, relentlessly.   Fear was how he disciplined and fear was how he maintained control. Fear in the hearts of his children kept them from closeness, from loving touch and from healthy interaction. Fear immobilized them because they didn’t want to disappoint him or anger him any further.images

Fear is a great motivator, but fear without relationship and fear without love will eventually cause rebellion. When fear fills the relationship, love will be absent. And when we instill fear to maintain control, we will eventually suffer the possible loss of that relationship. Truly, the saddest part of it all? How will they know or understand, “God is love?” And how will they ever comprehend, “Perfect love drives out fear?” (I John 4:16, 18)

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Leadership, Marriage, Parents

I Forgive You

images-4I forgive you – three very powerful, but very difficult words to speak. Perhaps even more difficult are the words, “Please forgive me.” Why does it take so long to work up the courage, humble ourselves and put away our pride? Jesus offered this medicine while on the earth when He shared that if we forgive, we will be forgiven. Paul the apostle stated it so succinctly when he wrote it this way, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Nicky Gumbel, the Alpha course images-5teacher, once said that the first one to apologize is the bravest one.

It has been well stated that to withhold forgiveness only hurts us. It keeps us bound by our refusal to release the one who hurt us or who we hurt. Withholding forgiveness will separate you from your soul mate. It will make life far more stressful. When we express forgiveness to one another and the air is cleared, it’s like a new sense of connection, freedom and release of tension. The heaviness can leave; eye contact and affection can return. You will fall asleep easier and you will wake up more refreshed. Through forgiveness your heart, mind and spirit can once again be at peace. Be brave, be the initiator when it comes to forgiving.images

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Children, Issues of the Day, Parents

Loving My Foster Son, A Homosexual Struggler

images-2For eight years, Mary and I were foster parents of adjudicated teenage boys. Over that eight-year period we fostered 25 different youth. We loved those kids and longed to instill the love of our heavenly Father within them. No state program compared to godly, affirming and accepting foster parents who loved unconditionally. Daniel was with us for over two years, went to Bible College for four years and continued to be in relationship with us until one dreadful day. This is what I learned from loving Dan.

  1. His stepfather’s abuse was not fair and totally undeserved.
  2. His pain was real and by listening I validated his history.
  3. He longed for nonsexual affection from a father figure.
  4. He needed to be affirmed and called into his manhood by a man.
  5. He needed to know God’s endless, redemptive and perfect love for him.
  6. He needed to hear the truth of God’s word about sexual relationships.images-7
  7. He needed to know he belonged to a family who accepted him.
  8. He needed to hear words of hope for change.
  9. He needed to know God’s forgiveness, as well as, mine.
  10. He needed protection from a father, even if that father was a stand-in.

images-8Father’s can’t meet all of their children’s needs. After a failed marriage and many failed same-sex relationships, we received a call that Daniel ended his, all-to-young, 45-year-old life. I wish it could be different, but I am so grateful for what he taught me about life, pain and love without conditions. I know his struggle was real and I just hope he felt real love and acceptance from a temporary foster Dad.

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Children, Parents

Train Your Children to be Powerful

images-6Far too many parents train their children to view mom and dad as having all power over them. We don’t necessarily try this, but somehow it comes across fairly often. For example, have you ever heard a parent say this, “Because I said so?” And then there is this one, “Just do this one more (fill in the blank) and then you can go and play.” Neither of these examples empowers your children; they actually train your child into thinking that you are more powerful and it’s that power they need to resign themselves  to. I have news for you; the use of power is often void of relationship. One day that power will be resisted, tested or simply ignored. Where does it lead?images-8

Powerless children become victims because powerless people view themselves as victims. Powerless people do not have to take responsibility for their actions; they can blame others. Eventually, powerless people may want everything done for them. So, what is the alternative? Empower your children to think and reason and to make choices of their own. While providing proper boundaries, teach them to make decisions rather than you as the parent deciding for them each and every time. For example, try this. Ask your child (as is age appropriate), “Would you like to finish your meal and then play a little longer or would you like to not finish your meal and go right upstairs for your nap?”IMG_0803

What’s the difference? You are empowering your child to reason, think through the process and come to their own conclusion and consequences. Powerful children will do powerful things one day as they take responsibility for their decisions.

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Children, Parents, Singles

Five Dating Steps that Honor God and Yourself

images-16Many young people and parents ask about what they should tell their children concerning dating. I still think dating is a relatively new concept (one not found in the scripture), but it can be a healthy one. So, here are a few, brief guidelines:

  1. Date an individual (pair off) when you are honestly looking for a life mate. Otherwise, do your best to simply stay close friends and remain in groups.
  2. Date after you have made your list of what you are looking for in a life mate and do not compromise your list. (For example: write down the ten most important traits you are looking for.)
  3. Date as you also pursue maturity. It is two mature persons who have the best chance of serving one another in marriage versus taking and demanding from one another.
  4. Date in authenticity and honesty. Surface dating will get you nowhere but on to the next person. Communicate with one another openly and deeply.
  5. Date in purity. Set your sexual boundaries before dating and share them with your parents or pastoral overseer so they can ask you specifically about maintaining your boundaries.images-17

images-19Speaking of purity. Here is a guideline to consider: Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (I Timothy 5:2) How long would you get into a lip lock with your biological sister or brother?  If you just reacted by making a face of disgust…thank you.

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Children, Encouragement, Parents

Family Meal Time; Don’t Miss It

images-11Have you ever wondered about what can be the best times to communicate as a family? Never wonder again, as you rediscover your children by insisting on a family meal together.   It is the perfect time to share about your day, to laugh together at a humorous story, to communicate a need or a prayer request. Family mealtime gives you the perfect opportunity to teach your children how to give thanks to God and how to be thankful for daily provision.  Family mealtime is a time for the parents to be vulnerable and share about the good and not so good parts of their day. As parents do this, it will encourage the children to speak up and share their difficulties also.

images-8Some families end with a short devotional time and others discuss their plans for the evening or the next day schedules. Simply start by prioritizing mealtime together. Turn off the computer, the radio, the hand-held games and the TV. Then initiate discussion by sharing something from your day followed by asking others to share. If no one opens up, perhaps pose a question like, “What was the best part of your day today?” or “What was your least favorite activity today?” Remember, as parents open up about their day it will provide an example for the children and teens. Dads and moms do not have perfect days and talking about that sets the stage for more openness among the family.images-10

We still look forward to and enjoy those family meal times around our table with our adult children and their spouses. It’s amazing what we hear from those childhood years – things that we enjoy hearing and being reminded of and things that we wish we just didn’t know.

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Children, Parents, Training

18 Ways to Train Children and Teens to be Financially Responsible

images-31Ever wonder why some people have strong financial skills and others missed that class? For the most part, it’s in the parental training or lack thereof. Some young people never experienced financial training or a good example of responsible stewardship while growing up and others had to discover for themselves the hard way, through loss. There is a better way, however. Take the financial lessons you have learned and use them as a teaching tool to those little ones in your life, either as a parent, a grandparent or a caretaker. Their future teachers and employers will love you for it. Author and financial teacher Larry Burkett once said that we are not responsible for our children’s decisions, but we are responsible for their training. Here are some “training” insights to consider when it comes to handling money:images-30

  1. It all begins and hinges on helping them to understand that God owns it all. We are to be the best stewards of everything He shares with us.
  2. Be generous and teach generosity. There is no greater blessing than to give.
  3. Teach the difference between self-discipline, delayed gratification, and immediate self-gratification along with the direct consequences of each one.
  4. Be an example of all things in moderation vs. excess.

images-275. Give your children regular and meaningful responsibilities – jobs without pay, e.g., picking up their toys.

6. Do not give an unearned, free ride allowance, but rather give your children regular jobs with generous pay, e.g., mowing the lawn or folding the cloths.

7. Teach your children to tithe from every dollar earned or given to them. It is all God’s but discipline in regular giving grows a  habit.images-35

8. Teach your children to save a percentage of their income for the future (30-50%), all the while designating a percentage of what can be spent immediately.

9. Teach the difference between an asset and a liability – a consumable.

10. Train your children to follow through. They must learn to complete the job in the way requested or there is no reward.

11.Help them to understand the concept of investing and how that will help them beyond today into the future.

12.Develop a budget with your child as soon as they can comprehend the idea. It will serve them the remainder of their life.images-34

13. Start a savings account and when age appropriate, obtain a checking account and an ATM card. Teach them how to responsibly use and balance them.

14. Train them in the proper use of credit and how the borrower is servant to the lender.

15. Share with them the difference between paying interest and growing interest on their money/investment.

16. Share with your children your financial mistakes and how they can learn and benefit from them.

17. As is appropriate, walk them through all other financial concepts like loans, taxes, utilities, owning a home, maintenance, buying a car, auto repairs, insurance, etc.

18. And finally, take the time to teach your children what God takes the time to teach you about money and His resources. They’re never too young to learn.

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Children, Encouragement, Parents

On Being a Father

IMG_1128Now that I am a grandfather (Papaw is the name my grandson has bestowed upon me), it is easier to recall the decades of raising two sons and a daughter. I loved fathering, almost everything about it. I say ‘almost’ because there were those times of confusion, disorientation and exhaustion. But I would not trade one single day because I chose to love every age period my children went through, even the ‘terrific two’s’ and the teen years of learning through natural resistance.

Everyday was a gift from God to hold them, tuck them in at night, pray over their “bad” dreams, kiss them and listen to their pure hearts. Even during pregnancy, I would talk to my children almost every night. Mary and I would lie in bed and I would read them stories from the story books we were collecting. We sang songs to them and we prayed over them. We prayed perfect health and development, joy and acceptance into our family. With our second and third child, we introduced them to their siblings and together we would speak words of anticipation, waiting upon their birth (Psalm 139:13-16).

From conception we wanted our children to know they were accepted, approved of and loved unconditionally. We wanted them to know this was their time to be fashioned and formed to reflect the image of their heavenly Father who was the One bringing them into existence (Acts 17: 24-26). It was He who chose to place them into our lives to be their parents. We knew they were created before the foundation of the earth and we knew our time with them was only for a season (Jeremiah 1:5; Ephesians 1: 4-5). They were never a mistake or an afterthought. They were always wanted, never rejected. Did we have perfect children? No. Were we perfect parents? No, never.

As a father of adult children now, may I pass some advice on to you?images-6

 

  • Enjoy and embrace everyday; you’ll never get it back.
  • Value your children in every way you can. Show them honor and respect.
  • Do not speak down to them.
  • Do not make fun of them or compare them to others; always be the encourager, all the while, speaking truth.
  • Teach them; impart to them everything you can. Remember that every moment is a teachable moment. Mentor them in how to work, how to care for possessions, how to handle finances and, mostly, how to give.
  • Read to them. Play with them. Date them.
  • Never speak words of power over them, but rather empower them to make right decisions.
  • Don’t try to be their friend; be their parent and discipline them.
  • Create healthy boundaries for them and enforce those boundaries.
  • Turn the TV and the computer games off and have family time regularly.
  • They do not need a lot of stuff, things or possessions, but, rather, teach them to explore and discover, to use their imagination and creativity. (The #1 favorite toy of children around the world is a stick and #2, a box.)
  • Share in a family devotional time that relates to them, not you.
  • Discover their natural gifts and celebrate their personality traits and then provide the necessary reinforcement.
  • Teach them to love and obey God, to pray and place Him first in their lives.images-5
  • Pray for and with them daily. Take the lead in apologizing when necessary.

And lastly, always reinforce to them there is nothing that will ever change the fact that they are your son or daughter and that no matter what they do or say, you are committed to them and will forever love them.

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Children, Marriage, Parents, Prayer

Growing in Values and Co-vision as a Couple

images-15Mary and I were in our first year of marriage and I don’t think either of us had a huge burden for un-churched or underprivileged children. One day our pastor asked if we would like to start a bus ministry. Once he defined it for us and we received training, we were sold as to its value. Reaching a child had the potential of changing a life forever, not to mention touching a family.

After filling several buses with some amazing but wild city kids, we fell in love with the whole ministry. Their needs were huge but they were being touched through an excellent children’s program coupled with our love as we also visited them every Saturday morning. It didn’t take long until we figured out how valuable children are to our heavenly Father, and from the vision of another, our hearts were hooked. We went on to eight years of missionary work with adjudicated delinquent teenage males and then several years of social work in foster care. As our heart grew, we found ourselves developing a deep value for reaching children, teens and their families.images-13

How about you, have you discovered your heart being enlarged by the Lord for some form of ministry only to have it become a deep value for you as a couple? If not, ask Him to show you His co-vision for the two of you.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Parents, Postmarital

Oh, Those Cutting Remarks

I heard a pretty humorous story that went something like the following. A wife was begging her husband to take her to her High School reunion of 25 years. Reluctantly, he finally gave in to the idea that he also knew was going to be a bust for him. After meeting a few of her friends and former classmates, he just sat at the table yawning, alone and bored to death. Pretty soon the band hired for the evening cranks up and a few persons are beginning to dance. But there is this one character that is on the dance floor just living it up large, break dancing, moon dancing, back flips…the works. Soon his wife returns to their table, sits beside her husband, leans over and says, “See that awesome ‘life of the party’ guy up there?” “Well, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Abruptly her husband turns to her and quips, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!images-8

Funny? Yes, but cutting. How often have you used humor to bring some kind of indirect and at times hurtful message to your spouse? I have been guilty of it I’m sorry to say. When you make fun of or put down your spouse, you are making fun of and putting yourself down. You are one. There are plenty of hurts already coming from relatives, the work place and others. You and I do not need to “pile on.” Cutting remarks do not change anyone, they are embarrassing, belittling and are words of death. Jesus said it this way, “The Spirit gives life…the words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.” Speak words of life today to your spouse, to your children, to your co-workers and to your neighbors.

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