Category Archives: Premarital

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage V

images-39. Thou Shalt Be Engaged in Mission Together
What was the wisdom of God in bringing the two of you together? What were/are the redemptive purposes for this marriage relationship? These questions should lead you to what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely your work place or local church place has a mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created have a mission? Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams and visions for the future. This paragraph might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

images10. Thou Shalt Practice the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage
The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit and a letting go of your ego. The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal purposes in the relationship. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them and speak them they will be a lifetime of wisdom. What are the nine most important words in marriage?
I am sorry; I was wrong, please forgive me.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage IV

And two more marriage commandments…

7.  Thou Shalt Change Yourself First Change.  Very few people even like the word. It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up or surrender to the will of another. Or, our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change and that’s what I’m really after.” It doesn’t work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. Otherwise, in the end, we will resent the one requiring change from us. Growing up, growing closer as a couple and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change.article-2186932-147E1BC0000005DC-3_634x286

 8.  Thou Shalt Ask God Rather Than Fight  Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it’s connected to prayer, but not at first. All too frequently, early on in marriage, we ‘know’ that we’re right. And, if we’re right our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one. If we’re one in spirit then it’s no longer you against me, but us. In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are losing. James chapter four and verse one begins by asking a question. That amazing question is, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” Fortunately, James provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God.” Is it really that simple? The choice is ours, fighting and arguing or praying and agreement.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage III

Continuing with the theme of the Ten Commandments of marriage:

5. Thou Shalt Honor One Another

Honor one another…now that’s a tough one. Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give them your time, to prioritize your mate over yourself, your work and your children.   Honor is saying that next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with our actions, as well as, our respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor.  If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground meaningless. In honor we pray for and with our mate regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will actually build more honor, admiration and affirmation into your relationship.images

6. Thou Shalt Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for woman. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor…well, it’s just sex. And sex without relationship is lust. God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has made sex into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment? There is only one answer and so it seems reasonable that maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (I Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Lastly, life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage II

We’ve started a series on the ten commandments of marriage and today we consider numbers three and four.

3. Thou Shalt Love Her or Him and Make Them Holy

images-2Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? Yep, it’s all right there in the Scripture. I Corinthians seven says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one. You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify and edify their believing spouse. When we become our spouses cheer leader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic and it is killing their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate, love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner with our speech full of grace. Because of who the Proverbs 31 woman was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder. As you reflect God to one other you will build holiness in one another.

4. Thou Shalt Play Togetherimages-3

Can you remember all the fun things you thought of and once did while dating? Are you still laughing together, really laughing? Marriage has to be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it. What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness and monotony to set in. Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s work place, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese or playing a game that is not too competitive. Rent one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for, listen for and check the Internet for local happenings that you can attend together and have fun again. Recently, we attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”  Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them, you’ll never regret it.  Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Starting this week, I am going to create a series of blogs that I am calling The Ten Commandments of Marriage.  I hope you enjoy them and will share them with others.images-6

1. Thou Shalt Love God Above All Else

To love your spouse, your children or yourself above God is simply wrong. Jesus said we were to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and then love our neighbor as our self. Your closest neighbor is your spouse, but love them next to God. Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? That means, in order to be able to love another so deeply we must be able to know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse. Ephesians says it this way, “…no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” You cannot hate yourself, while at the same time, claim to love your mate. You are one.

2. Thou Shalt Not be Self-consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition is being filled with immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than anything. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your greater good, not walking in humility, interested only in yourself and, lastly, being filled with vain conceit (Philippians 2:3,4) We are strictly commanded to be like Christ who became a servant and even though He was God, never considered equality with God by giving up His divine privileges (NLT). Are you serving and looking for ways to serve your spouse on a daily basis? There is no 50/50 deal in marriage; it is a one hundred percent devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we actually are and can either destroy our relationship or expose our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met, but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Premarital

Celebrating 75 Years of Marriage

IMG_0229 My wife’s parents recently celebrated 75 years of marriage. It seems the long ago story was that they were asked by some friends of theirs to stand in as witnesses for an out-of-state wedding before a local Justice of the Peace. While there, Harold and Betty decided to do the same – “tie the knot.” They were the very mature ages of 19 and 17. After saying, “I do,” Harold dropped Betty off at her family home while he drove to his without mentioning a word to either of their parents. Recently, having the opportunity to sit down with them, we asked this pointed question, “What were your marriage secrets in maintaining a healthy relationship for seven and a half decades?” The following is written as they spoke it.

  1. We honored our wedding vows daily. We meant what we spoke to one another. Regardless of life circumstances, our vows were never in question.
  2. We both received into our heart Jesus as our Savior and made Him Lord of our lives early in our marriage. He made all the difference in the world for us and in raising our children.
  3. Having regular fellowship with like believers helped us and encouraged us to stay together. We were held accountable by those relationships.
  4. We felt responsible to bring up our eight children with the truth of God’s word. Now with many grandchildren, great- grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren they are our “mission field.” We pray daily for them.
  5. As we spend our days in our recliners, with our children now caring for us, we are trusting the Lord to keep us while we wait for Him to take us to our eternal home. We are ready to go home.

Thank you, Harold and Betty, for fighting the good fight, being a godly and loving example of marriage to your family and hundreds of other families. We love you!

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Ways to Love our Spouse

For the next several blog posts I would like to take some time and share with you various ways that you can incorporate aspects of loving your spouse in your marriage or your marriage to be. Too often we simply walk through life and allow it to just pass us by, one day waking up to the fact that our marriage has become boring and predictable. Rarely is engagement boring and predictable and I believe marriage can continue to be spontaneous and fun. So, here you go…images-8

 

  1. Frequently tell each other that you still love one another
  2. Pray together and lead family devotions together
  3. Do some things spontaneously and zany
  4. Share household chores and get them done sooner
  5. Set a regular date night
  6. Do the “fix-it” jobs around the house, not letting them pile up
  7. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss several times a day
  8. Provide a lingering hug often
  9. Hold hands often, e.g., in the car, under the table, at churchimages-5
  10. Listen to one another without counseling one another
  11. Sit close as often as you can
  12. Rub one another’s back
  13. Take time to look good for one another and wear each other’s favorite cologne or perfume
  14. Write love notes often – send text messages and email to one another
  15. Thank one another for the mundane household tasks accomplished daily
  16. Surprise one another by serving each other in some special way
  17. Always talk about one another favorably in public and to your children
  18. Brag about one another among friends and acquaintances, letting them know how proud you are of him/her
  19. Attend fellowship together and have a church family to challenge your marriage and family
  20. Maintain your own spiritual walk with God
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Marriage, Mission Report, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Addis Ababa and Other Such Places (Part II)

Once landing in Kampala, Uganda it was an amazing time of ministry to children, teens, a local DOVE International church, leaders and couples.  These precious people are both hungry for more of God’s principles, as well as, an encouragement in areas of prayer and faith-filled living.  The Ugandan’s are an industrious people who seem to be working from daylight to after dark alongside a small kerosene lantern in order to provide for their families.  There are literally thousands of little stands selling shoes, meat, handmade furniture, jewelry, etc.  They are not dependent on others for their survival and I never heard them complain about life circumstances.  I was privileged to be spending a week with them.

After hearing a teaching on biblical submission, one precious woman of God commented, “This is so freeing to us as woman and so encouraging for our husbands.”  When I gave the overnight homework assignment of writing their own couple mission statement for their marriages, they returned the next morning with excitement to share their paragraphs.  It was as if new life was breathed into their marriage relationship.  One young pastor asked, “But what do I do if my wife will not agree to my vision?”  I then challenged the personal pronoun of the word “I” and the possessive word of “my” and asked them to think in terms of “our.”  How simple and yet so radically different for him when thinking about future vision with his life partner who he is one with.

Do you have a marriage mission statement for your marriage?  It may just change the way you see submission, which literally means to come under the mission.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Couples Can Fight and Argue or Pray and Agree

Early in our marriage, Mary and I came to a bit of a revelation, but not without a challenge at first  We could choose to fight and argue or we could pray and agree together.  Disagreement is powerful and even of use at times, but even more powerful is agreement.  The scriptures tell us that if any two persons will agree together in prayer they will receive what they are asking for.  Our major disagreements centered on the fact that Mary was a “spender” and I was a  “saver” when it came to our view of finances.  Those two different priorities would often clash.  Both views had their positives and both had their negatives.  Serving in missions at the time meant that we had very few resources, but truthfully we can fight and argue when we have a lot of money, as well as, very little money.  We had to move beyond who was right or who was wrong to prayer and asking God for His direction, discernment and provision.

At that time, we had lots of needs with two small children and it was necessary to come to the place that regardless of income level, the most important priority was to move forward in agreement.  We discovered that as we sought the Lord first, He enabled us to see our partner’s view more quickly.  He helped us to move toward wanting to bless the other rather than withhold and remain selfish.  He helped us to see that our use of the terms “spender” and “saver” were terms of judgment and became negative to us.  Rather, He gave us new language.  Mary was actually a “giver” and I was a “planner “for future needs.  As we began to pray and agree over our financial needs, we found a place of power.  With fewer arguments or the fear of disagreement, it was much easier to work on a realistic budget and to stick to it.  If you find yourself fighting and arguing more than praying and agreeing, try taking your request to God first and see how He can help you to find the power of agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Blindness is Temporary; Love is Forever

This past weekend I had the privilege of hanging out with a very special couple.  The wife, due to diabetes complications, is now completely blind.  She retired a year ago from public school teaching and then her husband followed her into retirement this past January, partly to care for her.  Presently both of them work tirelessly at a local church serving as elders.  This special woman of God does not complain, has not become angry at God or doctors and continues to show a servant’s heart in all she does.  This special man of God, a long-term, committed husband, is spending much of his daily time serving and practically caring for his wife.  So naturally, my wife and I were inquisitive and wondering how life is for them these days.  We had to ask some questions.

After a few questions, while they were holding hands, the wife replied, “We’re closer than ever.”  She then said, “This has not stopped our love for one another and we care about each other even more.”  “Sometimes he [her husband] forgets me at the restaurant when he goes to pay the bill, so I just sit there and wait until he returns, he apologizes and then he leads me out to the car.”  They both laugh out loud when recounting their repeated story.  The wife shared that her physical blindness has caused her to be more dependent upon the Lord while her husband states that he had to go from being a “loner” to interacting more with people as he cares for his wife and her relationships.  You spoke those words, as did I, “In sickness and in health…”  We have no idea of the future, but we know that if we allow our love to grow a small portion daily, when we are faced with the unexpected, our love will be intact and we’ll be able to handle the stress of what we may someday face.

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