Category Archives: Singles

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Marriage Similarities vs. Marriage Differences

Remember when you were dating your spouse and you just knew that you had all things in common?  You found so many similar interests; so many shared ways of doing life.  Then you got married.  Soon you began to discover how different you were from the one you were convinced was just like you.  It was the similarities that brought you together and then, at that point, many couples are deceived into thinking that it is the dissimilarities or differences that begin to tear them apart.  Actually, the opposite is true.

It is the dissimilarities that once embraced actually become your strengths.  You begin to discover that your spouse is different, but in a way that adds to who you are rather than detracting from who you are.  Their strength may even be your weakness while your strengths help to complete them.   Two persons becoming one who are not the same or similar in all things makes for a stronger, healthier and more balanced union.  My wife will often see things a bit different from how I do and I need that view, as she needs mine.  Together, embracing the God-given differences, we are one powerful force.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Winning Him/Her Through a Deepening Love

Have you ever taken the time to watch two young people dance around one another, flirting, looking, waiting, watching, laughing and touching?  It’s kind of fun to observe and if you think hard enough you can remember those days in your progression of life.  In this decade, he is spending time at the gym buffing up, getting several cool tattoos, finding the latest jeans and attempting to keep up with the latest hair style.  She is doing a lot of the same while adding make-up, nail polish and hair highlights.  Both are desiring love; both wanting the other’s attention, neither completely sure of how to get it and what to expect.  Finding love is expensive, consumes your time and thoughts and most often does not work out (which wastes more time).  Today there are numerous on-line dating tools to help, but to many that’s a little like trying to win the million dollar lottery.

Men love the pursuit and women love being the catch.  But isn’t love deeper than a flirtatious dance and the change of outward appearances?  Once they are engaged or say “I do” and he stops the pursuit, while at the same time she realizes she’s been caught, then what?  Then, life – maturing life.  Love is laying your life down for this person, sacrificing your own needs.  It is not, “Check marriage off my list and now on with my career.”  Keeping this woman has nothing to do with tattoos, bigger muscles or cool beards and keeping this man will not relate to the latest shoes and purse combination.  Those things become rather shallow when real life decisions and bills come due.  She needs you to continue to chase her with a deepening love and an emotional presence.  He needs you to continue to respect and affirm him as the provider, the protector and the lover.  In the coming weeks, we will talk about this love factor that is needed in a growing and maturing marriage.  Meanwhile, read Ephesians 5: 15-33.

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Encouragement, Leadership, Singles, Small Groups

God Knows Where You Live

God knows where you live.  Do you know how I know that?  He placed you there.  Look at Acts 17: 26 with me, “From one man he [God] made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”  Not only does He know where you live, He chose the time within the course of all time when you should live.  Why did He do this?  “God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.”  (Acts 17:27)

Inescapable how God is after mankind to love and serve Him.  If God cares about where you live and when you exist on the earth, then He cares about all the details of your life.  He cares about where you work, who you marry, when you have children and what you name them.  He cares about your finances, what local church you attend and how you care for your neighbors.  He cares about what you think through the day, how much time you spend with Him in devotions and whether or not you obey the traffic laws.  And He cares about what you care about because He created you to live in these days, in the town, state and nation you reside in.  Fully and without compromise live for Him today…”For in him we live and move and have our being.”  (Acts 17: 28)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Singles, Small Groups

True Success

Some years ago I wrote the words “True success” in my Bible beside Jeremiah 9: 23 & 24 which reads, “Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight, declares the Lord.”  Does God give us wisdom, strength and riches?  Yes He does, but He does not delight in them and neither does He desires us to boast in them.  What then does our heavenly Father “delight” in?

He delights in the one who knows and understands Him.  He delights in the one who knows that their Father is the One who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on the earth today.  Success is not found in a higher degree of education, in business or profession, in money, in the number of Facebook friends we have amassed or in how we perceive others perceive us.  Success is knowing and obeying God.  Mother Teresa once commented to the American press that she was never trying to be successful by this worlds standards, only obedient to her Savior’s call.  Powerful words from someone who impacted thousands; someone who was truly “successful.”

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Premarital, Singles

Boy Meets Girl

In 1947, for every 100 female college students there were 245 male students on campus.  Now for every 100 women on college campuses there are 74 male students.  In the book, Premarital Sex in America authors Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker found that three-fourths of 18 to 23 year-old women are in dating relationships and that 94% of those are sexually involved.  Girls who are involved with multiple sexual relationships through their dating years are 11 times more likely to have elevated depression symptoms than virgins.  Those involved in “one night stands” also feel disrespected.  Guys are in control of when the dating relationship begins and the girls are in control of when sex begins.  Regnerus and Uecker found that when women compete for men, men win and the price of sex goes down.  (World Magazine June 2011)

Wake up single men of God.  Your heavenly Father’s daughters do not desire sex outside of marriage, but what they do desire is your attention, your commitment, your care, your encouragement, your emotional and spiritual connection, your godly manhood and your pure love.  Take a lesson from an Old Testament saint who was tried and found righteous, “I made a covenant with my eyes to not look lustfully at a girl.”  (Job 31:1)  And from Paul, “For the grace of God…teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” (Titus 2: 11, 12)

Wake up single women of God, you are worth the wait.  Do not lower yourselves to todays desperate standards and lack of boundaries.  You are far more attractive to a godly man when you walk in confidence, security, sexual purity, the fear of the Lord and maintain biblical boundaries for yourself.  “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  (Proverbs 31:30)

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Leadership, Marriage, Singles

Jesus, a Man’s Man?

Twenty five men from Washington DC gathered together this past weekend at a retreat center in the mountains of Maryland.  Annually they separate from their jobs, their families, their local church and their everyday normal life to learn, to play, to stay up late watching college football, and to not shave.  One of the topics discussed was about Jesus, the Son of God, a man’s man.  This is what we discovered:

He is powerful – Mark 5:30; 11:12-14, 20-25

He commands respect – Mark 1:16-20. 27; 15:5

He’s in control – Mark 6:50

He stands up to and does not run from confrontation – Mark 2:23-28; 3:22-30; 11:27-33

He knows how to take a beating – Mark 15:19-20

He understands His mission and purpose and will not be sidetracked – Mark 8:31-34; 9:30-32; 10:33-34

He is compassionate – Mark 6:34; 10:15-16

Masculinity is under attack in our culture today.  John Piper calls masculinity a sense of “benevolent responsibility” to lead, protect and provide for women.  Author Stu Webber wrote, “The measure of a man is the spiritual and emotional health of his family…a vision for strong sons and confident daughters.  Without that vision and leadership, a family struggles, gropes and may lose its way.”

As a man, Jesus knew who He was and clearly stated, “This is who I am; this is where I came from; this is what I do; and this is where I am going.” (John 8: 12-18, 23-30) Jesus was an initiator because initiation is the bottom line of masculinity.  It means leading to provide, to mentor, to father, to befriend, to apologize, to develop, to invent, to love and to take responsibility with tender, but masculine authority.

We could hear Jesus asking, “Are you willing to follow the One who created the masculine soul?”

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Leadership, Singles, Small Groups

Fragile Relationships

Recently I was made to realize how fragile life is.  I attended two family gatherings back to back.  One was my natural family and one was my spiritual family.  In both cases, I was able to witness severe hurts; hurts that penetrated deep into the soul.  These were hurts that could destroy permanently or make for a springboard to a life call of healing the wounded.  These were hurts that can cause extreme bitterness and subsequent physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown or a humility that leads to certain depth of character, wisdom and growth.

Which will be chosen?  It’s up to us, really.  We can tell ourselves lies based on one incident the rest of our lives or we can speak the truth of God’s word and His life-giving Spirit over ourselves.  Many choose the former and visit their doctor regularly with migraines, stomach issues, sleeplessness, nervous conditions, blood pressure issues, etc.  While the latter can walk through healing step-by-step as the Holy Spirit leads.  There is no better Counselor (Is. 9:6; John 14:16, 26), no better Healer than this One.  For you see, “In all their distress he too was distressed…”  (Is. 63:9)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #21

This is the twenty-first and the final in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  It is a list of questions that I have compiled over time from those who were involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships.  Be totally honest with yourself and record your answers.

21. Do I love and respect myself enough to say “yes” to healthy relationships and “no” to unhealthy relationships?  The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do I keep finding similar unhealthy patterns in my dating relationships?

Do I try to “fix” those I date?

Do I cling on to those who I date, causing them to feel smothered?

Do I feel valued for who I am within my opposite sex relationships?

What makes this a safe or unsafe relationship?

How is conflict resolved within this relationship?

Do I feel this person really listens to me with respect?

Is there any power struggle within this relationship?

Who is the leader?

Am I 100% honest with this person, why or why not?

Do I feel like a better, more valuable person around this relationship?

Is my unique and individual identity in tact when I am with this person or do I feel that I need to be someone else?

Do I feel pressure to do or say things I am not comfortable with?

Is sexual activity a part of this relationship or do I feel pushed in that direction?

Am I being asked to quit something I enjoy or pull away from any of my same-sex friends?

Am I growing and being challenged in a positive way through this relationship?

Do I feel accepted unconditionally?

Do I have the freedom to think and feel differently than the one I am dating?

Do I feel any form of manipulation in this relationship and if so, why?

Is my spiritual walk encouraged and enhanced by this person?

Do I like who I am when I spend time with this person?

How is this relationship encouraging me to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals?

 

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #20

This is the twentieth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

20. Can this person forgive and release?  Does this person get offended quickly?  Does he/she hold grudges?  Does conflict help him/her to grow and become better or bitter?  Does he/she avoid others, grow quiet or become angry when those relationships present challenges or confrontation?  (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32)

Do you know the six most challenging, most difficult words to say in a committed relationship like engagement and marriage?  Those six words are, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  Ask any of your friends that are married how easy those words come.  Ask long-term married persons if they are over their pride so that those six words roll off of their tongue quite easily.  Why are they so tough to speak when we can apologize so quickly to the stranger on the street?  Why are we so full of pride when it comes to admitting that we could be wrong around those we love the most?  That’s just it…those we love the most.  We have the most invested in those relationships.  We just don’t want to disappoint those persons who are closest to us, who really know who we are.  We don’t want to be wrong around them because we don’t want to fail them.  We make it a “right” and a “wrong” issue when it is really an issue of being able to humble ourselves and admit that we do not know it all, we are not always right and we do not always have the best of intentions.  Sometimes we are purely selfish and that is hard to face.

Maturity brings with it a spirit of humility and an ability to quickly ask for forgiveness, as well as, forgiving others.  It is a choice we make.  God is using those persons around you to build Himself in you so that we can also say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”   (Luke 23:34)

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