Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Training, Women

Dear Parents (An Open Letter to Parents of Young Children)

Dear parents, I recently wrote a booklet about the inordinately high use of pornography within our culture. It was a summarization of a lengthy, thorough and statistically backed (all noted with resources) online article that I wrote. You can access the first of this two part article here.

Part of what provoked the booklet and the article was the story of a friend of mine. He first encountered pornography at age 7. By age 12 he was acting out what he saw in the magazines with female friends in his tree fort.

It’s startling, but for most boys’ pornography exposure occurs around age 11. By age 17 they are the highest users of porn – 85%. Unfortunately, in recent years young girls are also increasingly using porn. In that same age group, nearly 57% of young girls are viewing pornography. While boys are visual, girls are turning to porn so they can learn what boys desire of them sexually. Pornography is a 12-billion dollar industry in the United Staes. Eleven thousands “adult” films are produced per year. That is twenty times the number of regular media films produced in Hollywood!

Children cannot process what they are seeing and reading. They do not understand the real gift of sexuality and so they are being inundated with false images of something that is not real and not connected to any sense of love, commitment or marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit, a fake, a lie. Its images are addictive and the more one feeds themselves porn, the more they desire.

When I was a counselor, it was not abnormal for me to see clients whose brothers or father abused them sexually when they were young girls. Pornography was typically a part of that abuse.

I once worked with a private school where a teacher was touching his students inappropriately. I frequently heard clients’ first sexual encounter was with their cousins in sexual exploratory games. Just last week, one of the leaders I oversee asked me for help. A close friend of his just found out that his fourteen-year-old son has been molesting his younger female cousins for several years. I had a pastor’s daughter in my counseling care who was date raped on her college campus. I have dealt with multiple leadership failures in which there was adultery. And I am presently serving on a team that is helping to provide care and input to an organization in which the leader was sexually abusing woman for over 40 years. I would guess that in most cases pornography was a part of each of these horrific stories.

So, I am asking you to be vigilant and protective of your children. Do not leave them with persons who could be unsafe. Do not openly and without caution trust any adult in their life, even their teachers. Do not give them free rein with cousins and friends without warning them of the possibility of abuse, pornography and childhood sexual exploration.

Sadly, you must even be aware of library books these days. Material that is X-rated, explicit, that promotes unhealthy same sex, opposite sex and deviant relationships is finding its way into our public libraries, public grade schools, middle schools and high schools today. This is an evil, grooming tactic to expose our innocent children to explicit material and to sexual acts which they are not mature enough to engage in or are even capable of understanding.

Protect your children by telling them and reminding them often of the “bathing suit” rule. No one touches them, asks to see or exposes oneself in these private areas. They will understand that language and you will be equipping them with a vital and useful tool.

Do your best to help your children stay pure and innocent. Today’s phone technology provides easy and immediate access to soft and hardcore pornography. With the push of a few buttons, they can have access to unspeakable images. It’s almost unimaginable, but there are over 400 million pages of pornographic material available on over four million websites. Having a phone without data access is a help as are software programs like Covenant Eyes which allows you to see every website they access.

In today’s highly sexualized culture, it is possible to help maintain your child’s innocence and not have them exposed to explicit sexual material. They will trust your caution. Remember, sex in and of itself is not a dirty word or act. Within the right context of marriage, it is a wonderful gift from God and your children need to have full knowledge of God’s goodness found within this gift.

Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men, Pornography, Singles, Women

Healing for Sexual Addictions

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can never be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others.

Viewing pornography may start through curiosity, attempts to fill a void, the need to heal or cover up a deep wound, or just a desire to escape. But escapes have a way of becoming addictions. These could include food, alcohol, TV, novels, caffeine, or many other categories of addictive behavior. Addictions have a way of pulling us away from God, the One who provides a true way of escape. 2 Timothy 2:26 says, “And that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

The New Testament Writers Acknowledge Our Struggle

Our human struggle with sexual intimacy and sin is acknowledged in Scripture. I love these verses that Paul writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: “But since there is so much immortality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each another except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:2–5).

Viewing porn as a “pastime” is extremely harmful and creates a way for the sexual exploitation of innocent victims. We all need to educate and raise awareness of these dangers in our families, communities, schools, and congregations.

Licentiousness (“debauchery” in the NIV) – This means “excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures, lacking virtue.” Sexual acts on display in pornographic material are acts of fornication because they involve sexual contact outside of marriage. To take part is to condone these acts and involve ourselves in the sin of licentiousness. (See 2 Corinthians 12:21.)

Lust – Pornographic materials are meant to generate sexual arousal in our flesh through lust. Lust, according to the Scripture, is sin. It is corruption of our spirit, our mind, and our flesh. (See Matthew 5:28 and James 1:14-15.)

Sensuality – According to Scripture, observing nakedness is a sinful behavior. For example, in Genesis 9:21–22, Noah’s son, Ham, was cursed because he observed his father’s nakedness, but his brothers Shem and Japheth covered their father with their faces turned the other way. 1 Corinthians 6:12–18 – The body is not for sexual immorality; we are told to flee from sexual immorality. Galatians 5:19 – The deeds of the flesh are immorality, impurity, and sensuality.

The Path to Freedom

A friend of mine told me, “When I was participating in porn, I genuinely loved God, but I also loved porn–at my soul level. At the same time, I also hated it because it brought shame, bondage, ongoing guilt and I wanted to be free. There is a false fulfillment with porn that connects with who I am. Growing up in a pretty strict home with a religion connected to performance, I felt that I could never please God. I just wasn’t good enough. However, when my heavenly Father brought to me the revelation of Ephesians 1: 4-6, I suddenly realized I was chosen, I was adopted, I was loved, and I was accepted as God’s son.”

Despite so many challenges, certain foundational principles and action steps can lead you to the way of escape that God provides.

God is love (1 John 4:8). If you know nothing else, know God’s love for you. It is inescapable, incomprehensible, determined, and relentless. He loves you and Jesus died for this sin on the cross. He does not reject you.
We all struggle to maintain a clean heart. Many really good people also struggle with sin, even the sin of pornography. You are not alone. Whatever the effects of sin may be, grace is available in abundance to bring healing and freedom.
Recognize that pornography affects the whole individual. God desires to cleanse and heal not only your mind, but longs to set you free from lust, fear, anxiety, wounds, frustration, emptiness, and shame. He died, naked and exposed, for sexual shame on the cross and says to us, “Shame off of you through my sacrifice.”
Disclose and confess your sin to God, yourself, and others. Start being brutally truthful about yourself and your sin. Acknowledge that you have been walking in denial. Uncover the lies. Take full responsibility and recognize the gravity of your situation. Be ruthlessly truthful with yourself, your spouse, and your counselor. Receive God’s forgiveness, because He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin (1 John 1:9).
Embrace conviction of heart coming from the Holy Spirit and deeply repent. Allow God to bring you to a place of true repentance. Ask yourself, “Who is this hurting?” “What is this costing me in my relationships, finance, time, self-deprivation, and life goals?” Do a personal damage assessment. Ask God’s forgiveness and request His help to forgive yourself.
Be aware of the neurological aspect of this addiction and the brain chemicals involved. Pornography addiction is not just a moral problem. You have created paths for your brain to need and desire the chemical charge provided by porn. These paths that have been flooded with imagery of what is false will need to be starved to death. This is not about reading your Bible more or praying more; a transformation is needed. It starts when you identify what triggers you to use porn. As you identify these triggers, you can ask God why they are triggers, what healing is needed, and how to locate that healing. This requires intense self-examination (confronting your habits) as you scrutinize how your thoughts and feelings have shaped your beliefs. God can reveal whether or not those beliefs are true or are based on lies. Ask your heavenly Father for truth to replace the lies (Romans 8:5-9; 12:1-2).
Locate any deep wounds from your past to discover how those wounds have affected you. If you are unable to deal with your past, you will just be treating symptoms over and over. For example, you could ask: “Is there a shame-filled sexual wound? Did I experience abuse of some kind, then retreat and find comfort in pornography or masturbation?” In seeking these answers, invite and expect Holy Spirit to be your companion and guide.
Discover relational healing by purposefully mending broken relationships. Find new relationships that will help you heal. These could be support groups, a personal counselor, or close accountability with a trusted friend. Monitoring software can be useful, but will not replace real-time accountability to those who love you and care for you. You need a community around you.
Utilize appropriate resources. Find what fits you in terms of books, videos, or other resources. A video series like the Conquer Series, groups like Pure Desire and websites like Faithfulandtrue.com or Be Broken Ministries can be extremely helpful. Fortunately, today there are quite a number of resources and websites available to help those who desire to overcome the power of pornography in their lives. Search on the internet for Christ-centered materials and computer prevention programs like Covenant Eyes and X3Watch to place on your devices.
Go through deliverance ministry. Your mind needs renewal. Deliverance can be helpful to cleanse out the demonically oriented material that has entered your soul and spirit. Openness to evil creates a pathway for more evil. Total freedom can be found in deliverance.

Tying It All Together with the Story of Joseph

There is a wonderful story in the Bible of holy resistance followed by incarceration, but then redemption and hope for a family and a nation. That story is the story of Joseph.

In Genesis Chapter 39, we read the account of Joseph, who was serving in Potiphar’s house. The Bible says God blessed him and he prospered in his Egyptian master’s home. God gave him success in everything he did. In time, the blessing that followed Joseph also affected Potiphar’s household, and Joseph was placed in charge of everything Potiphar owned.

Joseph was described as “well-built and handsome,” and he made a noticeable impression on Potiphar’s wife. She repeatedly attempted to allure Joseph by saying, “Come to bed with me!” Joseph stood firm and refused. Joseph’s words were, “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”

Joseph’s response cost him his job and his freedom because Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph attempting to “make sport of me,” or, as we might say, “rape me.” Even so, Joseph refused to compromise his integrity.

Joseph did not fail his test. Had he given in to temptation, it could have caused the death of millions by famine. He would have never been reunited with his family and he would not have had the opportunity to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. The favor of God rested on Joseph because he stood firm. Otherwise, he would have been just one more leadership casualty.

The point is clear. You and I have a destiny given to us by God. Your freedom from the sin of pornography is not just about you, but the hundreds that you touch. Your life-long call is tied in to others with the life call of Jesus. When many of those around grow sick of their life of sin, you will have the answer for them, as well as a life that exemplifies that answer. Be a hero like Joseph and confess his words with me: “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against my God?”

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all” (Psalm 34:17–19).

God is our deliverer. He delivered Joseph. He can deliver us.

Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

The Five-Step Conditioning Process of Pornography

The stats are frightening as pornography use creeps down to eleven-year-old kids. Eighty five percent of teenage young men are viewing porn at an alarming rate. There are over 400 million pornographic pages available on over four million websites. Pornography use is said to increase marital infidelity by 300%! And those are only a few of the statistics available today exposing this horrific cancer in our society.

How does it grow from curiosity to a full-blown addiction? What is the process that takes place? If we can identify that, we stand somewhat of a chance to avoid an addiction.

Psychologists tell us there are five steps:

Introduction/ exposure – There is some form of exposure to porn, typically by a “friend.” This often takes place during the childhood years.
Habit/compulsion – Those who continually and frequently expose themselves to porn find they have to continually return for more – another high. This begins the chemical process or wash over the brain causing sexual stimulation and the need for more.
Intensification – The previous highs are not enough, so the user looks for more exotic forms of sexual behavior for stimulation.
Desensitization – What is abnormal becomes normal sexually. Nothing is too shocking or aberrant. The concern of hurting others gets lost in the pursuit of the next sexual experience or high.
Acting upon one’s fantasy/imagination – Eventually we will enact upon what we have seen and what we find pleasurable. These behaviors will be required from a spouse, a prostitute, a date or a minor. This often results in rape.

The escalation of use occurs because we tell ourselves we’re simply being entertained with something that is harmless. After all, God created men, women and sex. But the more porn we feed our brain, the more extreme forms of it are necessary to become aroused.

Have you ever noticed the number of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs that are advertised on TV? Do you know why? Pornography. Younger and younger men with a porn addiction cannot function normally due to porn use. The addiction is stealing from them. Real life partners become bad porn. No woman or man can compete with the airbrushed perfect images displayed in pornography.

Pornography is killing marriages today. If you want to undermine or destroy your marriage, pornography use is a good way to do it. It will completely diminish any level of trust that you have built over your years of marriage. Pornography use opens doors that you do not want to open.

Here’s the truth: pornography is fake! Every page, every site, every movie is fake. All of it is built on lies like, “It’s an innocent distraction; it’s harmless.” Meanwhile, it is literally destroying your life, your marriage and it has the potential to destroy your family.

Is viewing pornography sin? Yes. We are engaging in sexual immorality and dishonoring God’s design for intimacy within the confines of marriage: one man with one woman. Pornography use will never take us where God ultimately desires to take us in our walk with Him.

Stay tuned to part two of pornography when we look at some answers to help move away from this sin.

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography

Children and Pornography – It’s Traumatizing Effects

According to the research, most children are exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed accidentally on the internet and many are exposed by coming into contact with their parents’ pornographic material. Those who are sexual predators specifically target young children via porn for the purpose of exploitation.

A friend of mine told me he was only nine years of age when a friend shared his grandfather’s stash of porn with him found in their barn.

The Effects of Seeing Pornography as a Child

Children do not possess the emotional or cognitive capacity to assimilate pornography in any form. Children report feeling embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, overwhelming sadness and repulsion after being exposed to porn. Young children who view pornography are more likely to sexually assault their peers and siblings.

According to the American College of Pediatrics, “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional and psychological…outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior…sexual promiscuity…and a distorted view of relationships between men and women. For adults, pornography addiction results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children.”

When my friend was around age 12 he and his friends hid pornographic magazines in their tree house. He said, “We would invite girls into our tree house so we could act out what we saw in the magazines.”

Pornography use as teenagers distorts their view of healthy sexuality and seriously affects, in multiple negative ways, personal relationships. Pornography use fosters the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is abnormal. Teenagers involved in pornography have difficulty forming lasting, healthy opposite sex relationships which results in higher rates of poor self-images.

How is Pornography Harming Our Children?

Children viewing pornography are severely harming their brain development. Young, developing minds are hypersensitive to stimuli. That means children can form habits, both positive and negative, very quickly.

A child’s view of sexuality as normative between husband and wife is ruined by pornography. Pornography presents anything but normality. For young boys, it makes girls an object. Children are taught that sexuality is all about them. It can be violent in nature and it teaches that sex should be expected in a relationship.

Pornography use creates a secretive lifestyle which promotes hiding, lying, and denial. Viewing pornography removes the child from necessary play activities. It can be sleep disruptive. It will reduce scholastic performance by stealing time from school work.

Viewing pornography increases other unhealthy, abnormal behaviors like sexting. Children learn and grow by mimicking the behavior they see and experience. While children are naturally inclined to explore their bodies, pornography will take them far beyond any natural exploration.

What You Can Do

Talk to your children about pornography. Ask lots of questions. Be persistent.
Place a program on your computer that aggressively withholds access to pornography.
Remove data access on their smartphones.
Talk to your children about their peers and what they might be exposing your child to.
Be calm about discussing the topic and reassure your child of your love no matter what they say.
If your child confesses use to you, thank them for their honesty.
Work at not placing more shame or judgement upon them.
Find resources to help you as the parent and your child. Talk to your pastor and your local church counselor. Ask for recommendations to help your child and yourself.

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women.
Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1)

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin.

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue.

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it.

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Pornography, Women

View It; Just Don’t Do It?

There is not one alcoholic who ever thought their first drink would lead to alcoholism and yet it can.

When did you first view pornography? Was it with friends or were you by yourself? Was it planned or did it happen inadvertently? Did you then desire to look again and again and again?

Viewing pornography repeatedly causes one to lose control. Control of what?

Control of our thought life.
Control of our eyes.
Control of the spirit of lust.
Control of the lies one uses to cover up the practice.
For some, the loss of financial control.
Control of our sexual lives.

Do you really want to lose control over your life through an addiction? Do you really want to destroy your marriage? Do you want to open the door to porn use for your children?

When we allow a perversion into our home, we give the evil one freedom to destroy our home. We will be opening the door to ruined relationships and quite possibly a ruined family.

Confess your need for help to your pastor or a counselor and receive intervention. Pornography is not something God hands you; it is something the devil himself hands you.

The ongoing viewing of pornography will not take you where God desires you to go. God treasures your heart; He wants to dwell there and remove the trash the enemy has handed you. Pornography viewing is beneath who you are and Whose you are.

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.