Well, maybe not rules, but guidelines, commitments, agreements? Anyway, we have agreed upon certain actions that we feel keep us close, connected, and communicating. We want to share those with you. They’re not law, but we do hold a high value on these as a priority to our marriage health. Here are all ten of them:
We pray together every morning and evening. If one of us is traveling, we’ll try to call.
We find one another when leaving the house, kiss and say goodbye. We find one another when returning home, kiss and greet with any necessary communication.
We do not spend more than $50.00 without consulting each other on the purchase.
The money we earn is not hers or his; it is ours.
We have written a marriage mission statement and we abide by it.
No yelling or name-calling is tolerated during disagreements. One guideline we maintain is to praise in public and to construct in private.
Conflict must be resolved (or worked toward a resolve) in a reasonable amount of time.
We take necessary time to do a face-to-face communication and catch-up daily.
We share a common faith in every area of life and keep it at the center of who we are as a couple.
When we said “yes” to each other, we said “no” to all others
We’re not a perfect couple by any means, but these “rules” have helped to keep us safe, secure, and connected in the nearly 51 years we have been married. The marriage relationship is built on trust, and trust is maintained through integrity in all areas of our marriage. We love our marriage and we remain committed to walk in love, forgiveness, and honesty.
Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
Having recently read through the book Song of Songs, I can’t help but notice all the references to the bedroom. So much of what we read today is how good are we outside the bedroom, leading to a better bedroom experience. But enough of that already; let’s take another look inside the bedroom.
Marriage intimacy is, from every study I read, better than singles’ intimacy for multiple reasons. Sex outside of a committed marriage creates lots of baggage, lots of pain, regrets, stress, and loss, just to name a few. Hollywood movies do not help with the subject and neither does pornography use. In fact, they top the list at fakeries when it comes to the bedroom. But singles seem to care about bedroom capabilities perhaps more than the married. Why?
Are you good in the bedroom? Not a hard question, but rarely would we ask ourselves such a question. I am thinking what that question is actually asking might be: is sex reduced to something mechanical, something uninspiring, something rote and uneventful? The bedroom for singles is a place to perform, one-up the last sexual experience. Intimacy in a committed marriage union is far deeper, far more spiritual, and far more loving than performance.
Lust is taking while love is giving. To be good in the bedroom, your first thought is how to be loving to your mate, i.e., a determination to be pleasing, giving, and pleasuring. It’s other-centered and not me-centered. It is not taking our spouse for granted because we have “the right,” but rather faithfulness and choosing only them in exclusive commitment. “My lover is mine and I am his…” (Song of Songs 2:16)
Further, your communication in the bedroom is that of encouragement and affirmation, it’s complimentary and loving and it is taking notice of selfless giving. (See Song of Songs 1:15,16; 4:1-7; 5:10 -16; 7:1-7.) Time is your friend in the bedroom, not your hurried enemy. The bedroom is not a “let’s get this over with” effort. It is an unhurried, peace-filled, quiet, uninterrupted moment of close connection and oneness. The bedroom must be a safe place, emotionally connecting, spiritually connecting, and physically connecting experience for both of you.
God generously gave this gift to you. He is not ashamed of your intimacy, He is thrilled with your lovemaking, love-giving, love-receiving, and love-sharing marriage.
But now I have grown and become a bride, and my love for him has made me a tower of passion and contentment for my beloved. I am now a firm wall of protection for others, guarding them from harm. This is how he sees me—I am the one who brings him bliss, finding favor in his eyes. (Song of Songs 8:10 TPT)
We (my wife and I) walked through months of premarital counseling with this couple. I performed the marriage ceremony for them. Within the first year of marriage, we would provide postmarital counseling.
Oh, those first 90 days of discovery! The little irritants began to surface. Here was her fist one: “Daniel blows his nose in a tissue and then sets the tissue down wherever he is located. Rather than throw it away, he forgets about it and invariably it ends up on the floor somewhere. I do not want to keep picking up his snotty tissues!”
His complaint: “She starts a project, gets sidetracked, and then doesn’t return to finish what she has started.”
We all experience these little irritants in marriage. Some have to do with personality quirks. Some are simply forgetfulness. Some come from past experiences and still others, family traits. We can put up with them for a length of time, but too often, at just the wrong moment, we confront them. We want to see if they see the irritant. We desire the behavior to change.
Most of us are oblivious to these little things we do without thought and we often end up irritating our spouse primarily. What should we do? How soon do we confront them? Should we confront them at all?
First, realize you are guilty in this category as well. There are small things you do that irritate your spouse or, at the very least, cause them to roll their eyes. Second, is there any long-term damage that will affect your marriage with this behavior? Third, what do you tell yourself about your spouse’s behavior? Literally, what are your thoughts that lead you to irritation? Can you overlook the behavior? How long can you overlook it? Is it a behavior, in your mind, which needs to change? And finally, the question that leads to a terrifying thought: If your spouse was gone from your life tomorrow, how deeply would this irritating behavior matter?
There are many behaviors in which we can come behind our spouse and make them right or fix them without fanfare. There are behaviors that force grace and patience in our lives by overlooking them. And there are behaviors that are worth confronting. You must decide.
I can recall when we had three teenagers in our house and there were multiple things to fight about and fuss over. My wife and I made a conscientious decision to not go after each and every annoying behavior or issue. We decided there were a few hills that we were willing to die on and the rest would simply have to work themselves out.
And perhaps that is simply the best answer to those little irritants in your marriage.
Getting married is easy, staying married takes a bit more effort.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I just want to be married?” If that is the only goal, it can happen in a matter of days and then a ceremony only takes a few hours. Simply getting married is far easier than maintaining a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
We have heard that awful statistic touted from academic broadsides, from pulpits and from our politicians that half of all marriages are ending in divorce. It’s not true! It was never true!
So, where did those specious figures come from? It all started with the 1981 census questions. The 1981 U.S. National Center for Health Statistics recorded 2.4 million marriages that year and also recorded 1.2 million divorces. What was omitted was an extremely important fact that 54 million marriages remained committed. And since that census, the incidents of divorce are actually decreasing. That is certainly good news!
The most recent stats are, sadly, one in four marriages ending in divorce; a figure which is still way too high. Imagine one in four planes crashing! How many planes would you jump on?
But divorce statistics are not my point in this blog. My point is that it takes work and commitment to remain married. It takes tenacity to remove the “D” word from your vocabulary. I’ve heard several boomers say, “When we said, ‘I do,’ we were also saying ‘We won’t’ ever consider divorce.” That meant those couples would have to, no, be forced to work through every disagreement to a satisfactory solution. Sounds tough? You bet!
I realize there are divorces that become difficult to avoid, but I also realize there is a healthy position that can be taken to fight for the marriage. We’re told to never give up in any sporting effort. You know, fight to the bitter end kind of language. We are encouraged to not give up when facing certain illness and to not give in to defeat. Why, then, throw in the towel so quickly with our marriage?
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
You’re married and I’m optimistic that you’re still kissing and hugging. If you’re not, can you remember back when that’s all you desried to do while dating or engagement? How frequently are you connecting with an embrace and a kiss?
The Gottman Institute conducted a study on how long it takes the brain to release the chemical oxytocin initiated by a kiss or a hug. Here are the results:
A kiss – held six seconds
A hug – held twenty seconds
That’s it. Now try it. Yes, give it a whirl. Go ahead; give it a try and test the study!
That’s a long kiss and a lengthy hug, but something happens. Perhaps you laughed. Maybe you smiled inside or initially found it uncomfortable. Whatever the feeling, this study proved that couples who continue to kiss, hug and be affectionate live four years longer than those who do not. What follows are some additional facts from their study.
What the six second kiss can do for you
It can build a ritual of connection.
It can be a physical connection.
If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning toward your partner.
It boosts fondness and appreciation.
It builds appreciation between you.
And it can:
add to your emotional bank account.
boost your positives ratio’s.
lead to sexual attraction.
be self-soothing.
reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).
Sometimes words fail us. At other times, we’re just missing each other. The six second kiss and the longer hug will reconnect us. It says, “I still love you, am attracted to you and need you.” You can say more to one another in six seconds of silent kissing, than you can in hour of argument.
Imagine I tell you that I met the woman of my dreams and on our first date we spent a full day together. We went for coffee, and we talked as we strolled the park. Then we found the perfect lunch spot along the canal front. By late afternoon we had talked constantly and are now holding hands. As a result, over dinner we decided to get married, tie the knot, get hitched!
What are you thinking of me and my first date? What is your immediate reaction, “You’re crazy?” To which I respond, “But you weren’t there; you have no idea of the love we feel.”
Obviously human bonding, relationships toward marriage, cannot occur from one date. It takes time to build a relationship that leads to a lifetime marital commitment.
Now suppose I tell you that I have been dating a young lady for five and a half years without any engagement or promise to marry. What are you thinking? I know I would be wondering if there is any reality for the future of this couple or are they wasting their precious time?
Just because something feels good does not mean it is good. That’s like gambling or playing the lottery. It takes time to build a sustainable relationship toward marriage, in the workplace with a boss or with your neighbor. How do you know that relationship has been built? Trust is at its core.
Without trust, relationships will always feel suspect, tentative or iffy. I cannot say how long it takes to build a trustworthy relationship, but I do know it is longer than a one-day date. We must discover core values, similar or complementary missions and dreams.
If you’re wondering about your future and marriage, we have a resource to recommend to you. It will walk you through multiple questions to consider, a budget, co-mission, and much, much more. You can find that resource here.
Found in the book of Revelation chapter two, there is a scripture written to the church confronting His loved ones. The issue? They have forsaken their first love, and He encourages them to return to the first works of their faith.
What if we took this same thought and brought it into marriage? Have you in any way left your marriage in your heart, mind or emotions? Have you grown cold or bored or lazy in your relationship? Have you given up on your marriage changing? Then return to your first works.
What are those first works? Think back to dating and then engagement. What did you do to grow, maintain and secure your love? How did you appreciate one another? What were your conversations like? What fun was found in your relationship? What were you prioritizing during that stage of life? How were you caring for one another? It is in answering these questions that you will find your acts of first love.
My wife, while I was in the military, wrote me a letter every day. I returned that loving action and wrote to her often. We sent cards that lifted our hearts and caused us to think about one another in positive ways. When together we did lots of fun things: talked, were silly, talked, asked questions, talked, complimented one another and talked. No question and no conversation was off the table. We gave one another complete freedom to share our hearts. Nothing was too unimportant to discuss or process.
We actively sought ways to grow our relationship toward marriage by reading books, pursuing wise counsel, honoring one another, thinking of the other first and serving one another. We complimented freely and often. We held hands as much as we could. We kissed and we prayed together. We fell more and more in love.
Repent of your coldness and return to your first works that lit the fire of your relationship. It is well worth the effort!
Every marriage has it challenges and some more than others. Does that disqualify us from ministry in our local church or elsewhere? The answer? Yes and no.
The first step is assessment. How long have we had this struggle? Is it a repeated struggle? Have we sought counsel for this particular issue? Do we avoid finding solutions? Are we actively trying to find solutions? Are we being stubborn and refusing personal change? Are either one of us in active sin? Are we blaming our spouse solely for the struggle and not taking any personal responsibility?
The answers to these questions can help us determine whether we should be involved in ministry during this season of our relationship.
We recently experienced a couple sharing with us they feel disqualified for entering a couples’ ministry at this time because they are attempting to work through some of their own marriage issues. I asked them if they ever struggle raising their children or have they made huge mistakes in parenting. They said, “yes.” I then asked them if they should stop parenting or perhaps consider adopting out their children. As ridiculous as that sounds, sometimes it’s just as ridiculous to think disqualification from ministry over aggressively pursuing marital healing.
You must know if you can minister to others while experiencing conflict yourself, but neither does the conflict always disqualify you from serving others. It is out of our own pain sometimes that we learn to help others. And healed people can bring healing to many!
The key is, after assessment, chase healing. Give it everything you have and pursue growth in your marriage and in your individual lives. As we heal individually, our marriage will also experience healing. There is no perfect marriage, but we serve a perfect Savior who possesses all the answers we need for our daily life challenges!
Dear parents, I recently wrote a booklet about the inordinately high use of pornography within our culture. It was a summarization of a lengthy, thorough and statistically backed (all noted with resources) online article that I wrote. You can access the first of this two part article here.
Part of what provoked the booklet and the article was the story of a friend of mine. He first encountered pornography at age 7. By age 12 he was acting out what he saw in the magazines with female friends in his tree fort.
It’s startling, but for most boys’ pornography exposure occurs around age 11. By age 17 they are the highest users of porn – 85%. Unfortunately, in recent years young girls are also increasingly using porn. In that same age group, nearly 57% of young girls are viewing pornography. While boys are visual, girls are turning to porn so they can learn what boys desire of them sexually. Pornography is a 12-billion dollar industry in the United Staes. Eleven thousands “adult” films are produced per year. That is twenty times the number of regular media films produced in Hollywood!
Children cannot process what they are seeing and reading. They do not understand the real gift of sexuality and so they are being inundated with false images of something that is not real and not connected to any sense of love, commitment or marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit, a fake, a lie. Its images are addictive and the more one feeds themselves porn, the more they desire.
When I was a counselor, it was not abnormal for me to see clients whose brothers or father abused them sexually when they were young girls. Pornography was typically a part of that abuse.
I once worked with a private school where a teacher was touching his students inappropriately. I frequently heard clients’ first sexual encounter was with their cousins in sexual exploratory games. Just last week, one of the leaders I oversee asked me for help. A close friend of his just found out that his fourteen-year-old son has been molesting his younger female cousins for several years. I had a pastor’s daughter in my counseling care who was date raped on her college campus. I have dealt with multiple leadership failures in which there was adultery. And I am presently serving on a team that is helping to provide care and input to an organization in which the leader was sexually abusing woman for over 40 years. I would guess that in most cases pornography was a part of each of these horrific stories.
So, I am asking you to be vigilant and protective of your children. Do not leave them with persons who could be unsafe. Do not openly and without caution trust any adult in their life, even their teachers. Do not give them free rein with cousins and friends without warning them of the possibility of abuse, pornography and childhood sexual exploration.
Sadly, you must even be aware of library books these days. Material that is X-rated, explicit, that promotes unhealthy same sex, opposite sex and deviant relationships is finding its way into our public libraries, public grade schools, middle schools and high schools today. This is an evil, grooming tactic to expose our innocent children to explicit material and to sexual acts which they are not mature enough to engage in or are even capable of understanding.
Protect your children by telling them and reminding them often of the “bathing suit” rule. No one touches them, asks to see or exposes oneself in these private areas. They will understand that language and you will be equipping them with a vital and useful tool.
Do your best to help your children stay pure and innocent. Today’s phone technology provides easy and immediate access to soft and hardcore pornography. With the push of a few buttons, they can have access to unspeakable images. It’s almost unimaginable, but there are over 400 million pages of pornographic material available on over four million websites. Having a phone without data access is a help as are software programs like Covenant Eyes which allows you to see every website they access.
In today’s highly sexualized culture, it is possible to help maintain your child’s innocence and not have them exposed to explicit sexual material. They will trust your caution. Remember, sex in and of itself is not a dirty word or act. Within the right context of marriage, it is a wonderful gift from God and your children need to have full knowledge of God’s goodness found within this gift.
Marriage oneness is a gift from God. However, one of the more difficult areas of marriage to reach oneness in is that of finances. My wife and I struggled in this area for years. She was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least that’s how we each viewed the other when it came to finances.
The Fidelity company did a study in 2024 of couples and their money. It was pretty telling as they surveyed 1,800 couples. Fifty five percent felt good about their financial health. Twenty five percent said that money is their greatest relationship challenge. Among Gen Z couples that percentage increased to 29%. But what else did they discover?
25% said they resent being left out of financial decisions
25% said they are frustrated by their partner’s money habits
34% said the disagree on their savings goal
36% do not know how much money their spouse earns
55% said they are making retirement savings decisions together
53% did not agree on the amount of savings they needed for retirement
47% disagreed on how much risk they are comfortable with in their investments
We obviously need to improve our financial relationship. We need to communicate and agree on our tithe and giving, our savings, our credit card use, our debt and our overall budget. God desires finances to be a blessing, not a curse.
Mary and I finally discovered that she was not a “spender,” but rather a giver. I was not a “tight wad,” but rather a saver/investor for our future. Those two areas combined in our marriage, honoring one another and how we are built financially, has become a huge blessing and now an area of strength, agreement and oneness.
We save more in order to give more.
The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22).
Steve Prokopchak 