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The Humor in Reaching Your 70’s

Guessing I never really could visualize what being in my 70’s looked like; I didn’t think about it much. I could observe my parents, but then they were parents and parents are supposed to be “old”. I remember Ralph from when I was in my 30’s, a butcher friend of mine, who was in his 70’s at the time. He seemed really old to me. Ralph often had a runny nose. You know, that clear liquid dripping off the tip and into the sausage he was grinding. I can also recall my step grandfather, who seemed old, smoking a pipe. I remember thinking, “Maybe when I am old like him, I’ll smoke a pipe.”

I don’t think you’re old when you’re in your 30’s or 40’s. But when you reach 50, most people will at least view you as old-er. Sixties though, that’s a different story. Those senior discounts kick in. I recall asking a waitress if her restaurant provided a senior discount and she said, “I already gave you the discount.” I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or sad. 

The medical profession says colonoscopies should begin in your 50’s. I have no idea where this revelation came from, but I have now had enough of those to know what I’m talking about. Today they even have medical centers strictly dedicated to these tests. I picked up my prep bag at the front desk and was asked, by the YOUNG girl behind the desk, what flavor I like for the “exit” fluid they give you. You know, the fluid that causes everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours to exit. I looked in the bag and asked her if there was a seatbelt issued. She looked back at me dumbfounded and then it hit her what I was talking about. I could still hear her laughing as I exited the building. 

When you’re in your 70’s all kinds of foods are taken off the list. I’m told that red meat is to be significantly reduced or eliminated. Is bacon red meat? I eat more bacon these days because I can afford to buy it now. I do believe bacon comes from “the other white meat.” At least that’s what I tell myself.

I’m told to eat more vegetables, especially dark green ones. I love vegetables–any color. That’s not a problem. But I’m not to have fried food, processed food, dairy products, sugar, high cholesterol foods, saturated fats, or salt. What’s left beside bran flakes?

I used to laugh at how many pills older people in my life would take. I now have my own fist full. My wife, a retired nurse, makes sure I take my daily vitamin, a pill for my joints, one for keeping my hair and nails, one for my blood to pass more easily through my heart, one for my prostate, one for arthritis, some kind of nasty fish oil, and I am sure I’m missing one or two. 

Bathrooms. I can recollect telling my kids to “Get in the car and forever hold it; we’re not stopping.” It’s good my kids don’t ride with me these days because we make that stop all too regularly. 

When you’re in your 70’s all the professionals in your life are younger than you and many are younger than your own children. My dentist is so young that when he told me I needed a crown and asked if I have had one, I replied, “Yes, I have had one, have you ever done one?” My youthful medical doctor told me my A1C was “high normal.” I asked him to repeat that second word. In my book, “normal” is normal. He’s too young to realize some other physician smarter than him changed the numbers so more meds could be sold to unsuspecting “old” people.

Reaching this milestone has its benefits though. You can say things that you couldn’t say when you were younger because most people might have been offended. I told my dentist once that he had his fingers in my mouth and my wallet all at the same time. He agreed. When you’re in your 70’s they just look at you, give you a pass by concluding, “He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” 

I asked a teenager recently how she got those holes in her jeans. She said she bought them that way. I told her I earned the holes in my jeans by working. I’m not about to buy jeans with holes already in them.

Being gray-haired is honorable in the scriptures. The Bible relates it to wisdom. “Gray hair is a crown of glory… (Proverbs 16:31.” And “… the splendor [or wisdom] of old men is their gray hair (Proverbs 20:29).” There are years of experience to life under that gray haired belt. We’ve been around the block, maybe a little slower these days, but still getting around.

“They [the righteous] will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalms 92:14).” It’s not a time to quit. It’s time to gain new vision and direction, keeping in mind that the next generation needs what you can give to them. If the next generation will honor that hoary head, there is much to learn from us.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. (Psalms 71:18)

Instead of anxiously running around that old-er person the next time they’re holding you up, try asking them if they need your help or if they have any wisdom to pass on to you. I’m pretty sure you’ll be better for it and then, perhaps, find yourself in your 70’s one day. 

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