My wife and I recently completed another six sessions of premarital counseling with a couple. They’re excited about their future. They have a gleam in their eyes. They are full of anticipation for what’s ahead. And there’s one other special thing we notice frequently. 

This couple tends to define each other with passionate praise. For example, “He’s so observant of my needs.” Or “She compliments me often.” We admire this trait and encourage it.

Meeting with couples in counseling or at marriage seminars we lead, we notice those expressions or definitions seem to change. After some marriage years under their belts, we hear things like, “I have to pick up after him all the time,” or “He doesn’t do this…” The men use language like, “Where did those compliments go?” or “I just wish she would appreciate me for who I am and not who she thinks I should be.”

Where did those attractions, compliments, and praises go? Why does the focus seem to change once we’re married? Are we called to the construction crew of marriage or the destruction crew? Yes, we have faults, idiosyncrasies, unhelpful habits, but we are also maturing, growing, learning about ourselves, and becoming who God calls us to become. This process is lifelong, not immediate.

Perhaps we could begin to pray for our mate while they are in this process. Perhaps we could be reminded that we are also in that same process of change and maturation. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, desired, and anticipated. (Hebrews 11:1) By faith we see our mate as God sees them. By faith we ask our heavenly Father to see our love, appreciation, and praise increase toward our life mate. 

By faith focus more on what we can do and say rather than allowing our minds to be consumed with what we’re not seeing in our spouse. 

Discover that praise motivates far more than criticism.