Category Archives: Challenge

Challenge, Marriage, Postmarital

When Your Spouse Says “NO!”

I had researched it thoroughly.  I did my homework.  We acquired the financing.  We prayed together about it.  It all checked out except for one minor detail…she said, “No.” SHE, my wife, was saying no to some vacant ground WE were interested in purchasing. Ok, so it’s a no, but why? Why after this being the third property we researched and visited was it yet another no?

That conversation went something like this.

Are you just trying to frustrate me with your ongoing no’s?

“No.”

You do realize I’ve done my homework and research and this will work don’t you?

“Yes.”

Then what’s the deal?

“It doesn’t feel right.”

Doesn’t “feel right?” Are you kidding me?

“No, it’s just not the one.”

But, based on what facts or information or insight?

“Oh, nothing like that; I just know.”

 

My amazing wife, like a lot of women, reminds me of my computer screen. The information is there, but it never reveals the path of how it gets there. To me, this was not a “feeling” decision; no emotion was necessary.  But that wasn’t true for her. So many of her responses are about how she feels about the matter.

Further, I know my wife hears God and that is certainly not to be disregarded.

Truthfully, today, I have come to trust that feeling, that intuitive quality. I look forward to her way of processing because God gave her to me and I need what she has to offer to the decision. It doesn’t always make sense, but then it doesn’t always need to. A greater need is for the two of us to be in agreement, to hear God together and to move forward in unity about a purchase or any decision for that matter.

It eventually worked out, but the weird thing was she finally said yes to something that I thought impossible. Regardless, we were in agreement and in the end, (while I am not confessing any greater knowledge here) she was right.  Did I just write that?

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Parents

Have You Been Noticed Lately?

My grandson often repeats, “Papaw, did you see me…” or, “Watch me…” You can fill in the blank with almost anything he does or desires to be noticed doing.  It can be a really small thing, however he still longs to be observed.  He lives for that voice of approval and praise.  It’s a child thing, right

 

Actually it’s a people thing.  Do you desire your spouse to notice you?  How about your boss?  Do you like it when your teacher notices your extra effort or when your neighbor compliments you on your landscaping?

 

Here is the troubling thing in longing to be noticed.  If it’s simply all about me, then I can’t be noticed enough. If being noticed connects to my personal need for security or affirmation, I can’t get enough.  In my desire to build some level of esteem, my need becomes insatiable.  

 

Did you know that God notices you?  Why wouldn’t He, He created you.  He longed for your time to be born.  He has always had a plan and a desire for your life.  He has never given up on you and He is continually watching you, noticing you and delighting in you.  All other approval can become lost and we can become deeply discouraged in our self-effort to be noticed, but He waits to show you His love and His approval.

 

No spouse, no child and no parent can satisfy your longing to be noticed. However, God knew you before you were even found in your mother’s womb. (Jeremiah 1:5; Ephesians 1:4) You have His eye!

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Parents

How Often Are You Phubbing?

There’s a new word in town. Have you heard of it?  That word is a combination of two words: phone + snubbing = phubbing.  Do you know a “phubber?”  How would one know if this describes them?  You can start by asking your friends.  Ask your spouse or even better, ask your children.  If people in your life are trying to get your attention while you’re looking down at a small hand-held screen all too frequently, you just might have a phubbing problem.

 

The actual definition goes like this: the habit of snubbing someone in favor of a mobile phone. I’m not kidding. Google it. Seems odd to be writing about this subject, but it is a reality in our technology crazed world today.  Airport travelers run into me while walking and looking down at their phone.  It’s tough getting someone’s attention that actually works in a service department while they’re glued to their mobile screen.  We can forever notice how face-to-face relationships have taken a back seat to an email, a text message or a Facebook prompt.  It’s not unusual to hear bells, whistles, buzzes and other such prompts from mobile devices while in a meeting.

 

But here’s who I really feel for.  I am genuinely concerned for the children of the phubber.  These children are pulling on their parents’ arms, legs, saying “Mommy/Daddy” repeatedly, asking questions, trying to converse and the adults are either not responding or saying, “Wait a minute would you?  I have to finish this text message.”  I just want to scream, “PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN AND LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD!”  You brought them into the world to teach, train, listen to, care for, play with and love. PLEASE put your device aside and interact with your child.

 

Not too long ago I was watching the parents on the sidelines of a younger children’s sporting event. Parents, not too far back in the history of parents attending their child’s sports activity, would actually watch their kids on the playing field, yell and scream words of motivation and affirmation. Today, they’re looking down, addicted to a device that is causing them to miss watching their children grow up. And when that child asks, “Daddy did you see me…?” You can fill in the blank. That parent will lie and say, “Yea buddy, you were great!”

 

One day those same children will have their own device and then the snubbing of a parent will quickly and sometimes, most deservedly take place.

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Challenge, Children, Parents

A Life Too Young To Leave This Earth

Recently Mary and I, along with an auditorium full of people, attended a memorial service for a 19-year-old woman.  She lost her earthly life in the recent Lancaster County, PA flooding.

The service was worshipful and honoring to her, albeit extremely emotional.  There is that mixture of sorrow and joy surrounding a time of tragedy like this one, but she and her family loved Jesus and that love was passionately evident during the service.

No one would have thought this beautiful, vibrant and loving teen would have gone to her eternal home this early, too early.  No one was prepared for the loss of a life full of joy, love and caring for others. Even her Italian restaurant owners where she found employment shared through tears that her love and care for the other staff was like no employee they’ve ever employed.  She was a light to all who knew her.

Besides honoring this lovely young lady, what’s my point?  Imagine if this family would have not prepared their daughter for her eternal home.  Imagine if they just never got around to sharing and living the truth of the gospel. Imagine if she never heard the life-giving Scriptures and applied them to her walk on earth.  And, imagine if she would have chosen to walk a different way than her family taught her.

The greatest gift that you can give your children, a child or those around you is Jesus.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

Those Little Irritants in Life

I was awake at 3:30 AM in order to catch an early morning flight.

Almost immediately after boarding the plane, the gentleman behind me started snoring LOUDLY.  About every minute or so, he would catch his breath and then suddenly make a sound like a neighing horse.  This went on for the full 35-minute flight.  So happy he could get some sleep, BECAUSE NO ONE AROUND HIM DID!

 

On my next leg of the journey, the gentleman beside me decided that he needed more and more seat space.  After five and a half hours, I was half way into the aisle getting my elbow hit by the drink cart. 

 

Life can be full of these kinds of little irritants.  They’re inconvenient, uncomfortable and, well, down right uncalled for sometimes.  And yet, it’s not fully the experience as much as it is a test.  It’s a test of what we tell ourselves, our self-talk. It ‘s a test of personal frustration levels.  It’s a test of the amount of compassion in our heart.  And it can be a test of how much grace we walk in.

 

We like things our way – the convenient, comfortable way.  But that’s just not real life is it?  So here’s a tip when one of those life inconveniences comes you way: pray and give thanks.

 

“Thank you, Father, that I can be on this plane to minister Your life to those that You have assigned to me.”

 

It will keep your heart right.  Besides, the next time you become an inconvenience or an irritant to someone, you’ll hope they took the aforementioned advice.

 

PS  On the final leg of my journey, I was given a free upgrade to first class…”Thank you, Father for this comfortable seat.”

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

I Catch Only Green Lights

There was a study conducted by professor emeritus Robert Rosenthal of Harvard University in which he told elementary school teachers that some of their students were “intellectual bloomers.”  Then the teachers were told the students names, who had been randomly selected, and also told that those particular students would excel in the forthcoming year.

 

It was all spurious information and those “bloomers” were actually no different from any other student in the class.  The only difference was their teachers’ expectations and because of that expectation those students did significantly better than the other students by the end of the year.

 

Expectations, we all have them.  I was sitting at a red light one day and queried myself as to why I seem to catch all the red lights.  Immediately I sensed a voice asking, “Do you expect to catch all red lights?”  I knew instantly that the message was about expectations and what I speak over myself.  From that point I changed my speech and declared, as well as thought, I receive mostly green lights.

 

I was telling my wife this story the other day while driving back from Massachusetts and we laughed and laughed as I actually received green light after green light.  Now I am not saying there was any divine intervention on the road with traffic lights, but I am saying my expectations changed, my thoughts changed and my speech changed while there was a necessary shift in my life. It may sound trivial, but I really do believe that our expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecy.

What are you speaking over yourself?

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Challenge, Children, Parents

Parenting? Try Being a Grandparent

I absolutely love being a grandparent.  I have been named, “Papaw.”  What an honor to hold, to love and to care for these little ones.  To hear the words, “Papaw’s home” is music to my ears as it reminds me of when my children were small.  I wrote a former blog that called, “Grandparenting a Lost Art” and it is, but it is as well, a second chance.

 

It’s a second chance at being calm, filled with peace and less anxious in my parenting.  It’s a second chance at having time dedicated to my three grandsons for what THEY desire to do.  It’s a second chance at being less concerned about provision and work and more concerned about making them laugh and taking rides on “Mr. John Deere.”  It’s a second chance at saying ‘yes’ rather than saying ‘no’ all too often for my personal convenience.  And it’s a second chance to read to them and to listen to them or just to sit and have conversation at their level about the stuff on their mind.

 

Are you a young parent today?  Can you look at the above paragraph and then ask yourself, “How can I make all of these happen today in my parenting, not waiting until I’m a grandparent?”

 

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children. Psalms 103: 17

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Challenge, Children, Parents

A Car Stolen or a Gift?

They say to, “drive it like you stole it.”  Little did I know he actually would!

 

I have given several cars away in my lifetime, but this one…it didn’t go as planned. Having a car business on the side since 1996, I’ve had the opportunity to purchase a lot of cars for a lot of people in need of updated vehicles.  Initially this one was no different, or so I thought.

 

The purchaser was one of our former foster children.  I sold his high mileage, worn out car for him and then purchased a newer used model. When we signed the paperwork he gave me a check for the sales tax, but failed to pay me for the car.  He told me he was in dire straits and needed to use the money I gave him for his trade-in for past due bills.  And then he asked me to be his bank, by providing a loan for the new purchase.  Because I knew him, loved him and trusted him, I said I would, even handing the title of the car over to him. (That last part re: the title? Not a good move by the way.)

 

A year later not one single payment was made.  I realized none were forthcoming.  I tried contacting him, but his phone number was changed.  Feeling very taken advantaged of, I prayed and asked God what I should do.  He told me to forgive the debt and to write him a letter expressing those words.  I obeyed, but never heard from him again.

 

Over a year later I received a letter from his biological mother.  She wrote that her son committed suicide and when going through his possessions she found my letter of forgiveness to him.  In her grief, she took the time to thank someone who loved and cared for her boy.  While certainly not a happy ending, I was so thankful for obeying the voice of God.  I hoped that somehow it made a difference in his life for eternity.

 

I suppose too often we can look at how life affects only us and forget how it’s affecting others. Who is God daring you to love today without expectation of return?

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Challenge, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Why Not Have an Extramarital Affair?

Why don’t you have an extramarital affair?  Seriously, be honest with yourself and answer the question. What did you come up with?  If I could guarantee you will never be found out, you’ll never get caught, would your answer change?

 

This question came to my mind recently while having to deal with a life situation, the result of an affair.  I’ve written about emotional affairs and other areas of marriage failure, but have never been this straight forward with the question.  Seriously, admit it, most TV programs and most movies display for us in real life fashion multiple characters having multiple affairs. We read about it continually.  We even experience pastors failing in this area.  It’s everywhere around us, desensitizing us little by little.  We’ve come to expect it, maybe accept it as the norm. Methodically, the flesh can become weaker and weaker, while the spirit is screaming to our heart.

 

So, what are your answers?  I love my wife too much?  I just couldn’t do that to my husband who has been faithful?  Or, my children would be decimated?  All true, but not strong enough.  Everyday those challenges are brushed aside, caution thrown to the wind and, uncharacteristically, a man or a woman falls, succumbing to the temptation. The lust of the eyes and the flesh are simply too strong. (I John 2:16)

 

What is the answer, Steve?  Here’s one that I have come up with for myself: I love God and I want Him to know how much I love Him.  What does that mean?  Just this – Jesus said, “If you love me, obey my commandments.”  (John 14:15)  In verse 23 He went on to say, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching.”

 

Do we love Him enough to obey Him?

 

God’s word: Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage.  God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.  Hebrews 13:4

“Grow old along with me.  The best is yet to be.  The last of life for which the first was made.” ~ Robert Browning

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Challenge, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

Married Sex: An Observation (For Singles Too)

I have a theory and I believe the testimony of hundreds of married couples backs up this theory. The theory is the more sex you have outside of marriage, the less sex you have within marriage.

 

My wife and I have the privilege to speak with many couples each year and we have never heard one of them remark anything remotely close to this statement, “We’re so happy that we engaged in premarital sex.”  As well, we’ve never heard, “Premarital sex helped us prepare for marital sex.”  What we have heard is that sex before marriage actually stole intimacy from their marriage.  Sex was no longer special, awaited and neither did it gather the excitement anticipated.

 

Premarital sex is titillating, full of emotion and coated in brain chemicals that run amuck.  It’s also full of the fear of being caught, and overcome by having, no, taking what does not belong to you.  Once married, that anticipation diminishes to the point in which some couples are not engaging in sexual intimacy on their wedding night.  Even further, we often hear the expression that sexual intimacy is rarely occurring now that they are married.  Imagine, this divine gift given to us by God, now stolen from us because of lust-filled desires.

 

Now, hearing from those singles who have waited, saved themselves for the one they will spend the rest of their lives with…never have we heard one single word or expression of regret, bemoaning the fact that they were inexperienced.  To discover this world with one another was a huge part of the gift itself.  Encountering one another sexually, within godly boundaries, literally helps to carry intimacy throughout the marriage, all the while maintaining their vows spoken before God.

 

Anytime we violate God’s principles, we also violate human value, respect and honor.  Sex outside of marriage is a sin against our body (I Corinthians 6:18) and a violation against our future marriage.  Because marriage is sacred, as is the act of marriage, we break covenant with God through immorality (I Corinthians 6:9). We disrupt His desire and design for our future.  When we worship the created more than the Creator, we have convinced ourselves that our will and our desires, not God’s, are best for us.

 

Have you succumbed to sex outside of marriage?  You can be forgiven of your sin and be renewed in your commitment to purity before God. He longs to give to you a fresh start, but you must be serious about that commitment.  His Spirit dwells within the Christian to not sin because, “…you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.”  (I Corinthians 6:19 & 20)

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