Category Archives: Children

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Training, Women

Dear Parents (An Open Letter to Parents of Young Children)

                                                         

Dear parents, I recently wrote a booklet about the inordinately high use of pornography within our culture. It was a summarization of a lengthy, thorough and statistically backed (all noted with resources) online article that I wrote. You can access the first of this two part article here.

Part of what provoked the booklet and the article was the story of a friend of mine. He first encountered pornography at age 7. By age 12 he was acting out what he saw in the magazines with female friends in his tree fort. 

It’s startling, but for most boys’ pornography exposure occurs around age 11. By age 17 they are the highest users of porn – 85%. Unfortunately, in recent years young girls are also increasingly using porn. In that same age group, nearly 57% of young girls are viewing pornography. While boys are visual, girls are turning to porn so they can learn what boys desire of them sexually. Pornography is a 12-billion dollar industry in the United Staes. Eleven thousands “adult” films are produced per year. That is twenty times the number of regular media films produced in Hollywood!

Children cannot process what they are seeing and reading. They do not understand the real gift of sexuality and so they are being inundated with false images of something that is not real and not connected to any sense of love, commitment or marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit, a fake, a lie. Its images are addictive and the more one feeds themselves porn, the more they desire. 

When I was a counselor, it was not abnormal for me to see clients whose brothers or father abused them sexually when they were young girls. Pornography was typically a part of that abuse. 

I once worked with a private school where a teacher was touching his students inappropriately. I frequently heard clients’ first sexual encounter was with their cousins in sexual exploratory games. Just last week, one of the leaders I oversee asked me for help. A close friend of his just found out that his fourteen-year-old son has been molesting his younger female cousins for several years.  I had a pastor’s daughter in my counseling care who was date raped on her college campus. I have dealt with multiple leadership failures in which there was adultery. And I am presently serving on a team that is helping to provide care and input to an organization in which the leader was sexually abusing woman for over 40 years. I would guess that in most cases pornography was a part of each of these horrific stories. 

So, I am asking you to be vigilant and protective of your children. Do not leave them with persons who could be unsafe. Do not openly and without caution trust any adult in their life, even their teachers. Do not give them free rein with cousins and friends without warning them of the possibility of abuse, pornography and childhood sexual exploration. 

Sadly, you must even be aware of library books these days. Material that is X-rated, explicit, that promotes unhealthy same sex, opposite sex and deviant relationships is finding its way into our public libraries, public grade schools, middle schools and high schools today. This is an evil, grooming tactic to expose our innocent children to explicit material and to sexual acts which they are not mature enough to engage in or are even capable of understanding. 

Protect your children by telling them and reminding them often of the “bathing suit” rule. No one touches them, asks to see or exposes oneself in these private areas. They will understand that language and you will be equipping them with a vital and useful tool.

Do your best to help your children stay pure and innocent. Today’s phone technology provides easy and immediate access to soft and hardcore pornography. With the push of a few buttons, they can have access to unspeakable images. It’s almost unimaginable, but there are over 400 million pages of pornographic material available on over four million websites. Having a phone without data access is a help as are software programs like Covenant Eyes which allows you to see every website they access.  

In today’s highly sexualized culture, it is possible to help maintain your child’s innocence and not have them exposed to explicit sexual material. They will trust your caution. Remember, sex in and of itself is not a dirty word or act. Within the right context of marriage, it is a wonderful gift from God and your children need to have full knowledge of God’s goodness found within this gift. 

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Singles, Women

Daughter Emails Her Dad About Her E-Marriage

Daughter’s email to her Father: “I’m coming home to get married. I am in love with a man who lives many miles away from me, but as you know that is not an issue in today’s electronic World Wide Web world. Living in Australia has simply not been a problem all the while he lives in Scotland. We met on eHarmony, almost immediately became friends on Facebook and have had long text chats on WhatsApp. Recently he proposed to me on Zoom and now we’ve had two months of relationship building through Face Time calls, as well as, many, many tweets on X. I will forward to you the link from my Drop Box account so you can view our photos and wedding plans. All that being said, Dad, I’m asking for your blessing and financial help as we’re planning a rather large wedding. 


Lots of love, Lilly 
 


Father’s reply: Dearest Lilly, wow! I’d suggest you two get married on Skype, use iTunes or Pandora for your music, book your honeymoon on Tripadvisor and check Yelp for things to do.  Later, I recommend you find a home or apartment on Craig’s List or Zillow, find design ideas for your apartment on Pinterest, furnish it through Amazon and Etsy and pay for it all by yourselves through Paypal and/or Zelle. And, if you ever get fed up with your electronically found Internet husband, sell him on Poshmark, Marketplace or auction him off on Ebay.

Good luck and lots of love, Dad

PS Send your mother and I the YouTube video of the ceremony.

Author unknown

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Premarital, Women

Advice Giving for Dad’s at Weddings

Having been the father of the groom, I have learned some things. 

First, father of the groom is a much easier role; there is little to nothing to do but enjoy the day. Perhaps the biggest deal was arriving on time. But I am not a very willing nonparticipant. I don’t mind a job or two. Well, not ordering the flowers, mind you, but there are things like:

My son had bacon wrapped scallops at his wedding reception. I instructed our server that when she came to the dining room floor from the kitchen with fresh, hot scallops, she was to immediately find me, the father of the groom. I do love bacon wrapped scallops. 

Then there’s the meeting new people to find out who they are and how they know the bride or my son. This job was specifically to be sure there were no wedding crashers showing up for a free meal or an easy date. I also enjoyed keeping the smaller ones away from the icing on the cupcakes. Who wants a cupcake with a dirty, little finger run through it? 

For your son’s one friend who started celebrating before the wedding and continues to do so during the reception…show him the door or order an Uber. You’ll do everyone a favor. 

Lastly, but certainly not least, was the dance with my new daughter-in-law. It is my one moment to speak directly into her ear and provide a calm, but stern warning that if she ever does anything to hurt or harm my son…or if my son ever…you have my permission to…. You can finish those sentences how you see fit. 

Father of the groom, take your role and responsibilities seriously. Someone has to do the hard stuff.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Leadership, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

A Message to the Newly Married or the Soon to Be Married

In another two months my wife and I will be married for 50 years. I hope that counts for something. 

When we look back, it’s easy to identify multiple mistakes that we made. It’s as well, easy to identify those decisions that worked. Taking responsibility for our decisions and their outcome is a major step toward maturity in a marriage relationship. Good decisions reap good outcomes and bad decisions reap a consequence that we both must own and then grow from. 

So, those thoughts lead me to pen some advice from an older married couple. Here goes:

  • Stay away from major discussions or decisions if you’re hungry or tired.
  • Treat your spouse the way you desire to be treated. (Luke 6:31)
  • Place your spouse ahead of yourself (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • Never leave or return home without finding each other and sharing a kiss and an “I love you.”
  • Make each other laugh. Have fun. (Proverbs 17:22)
  • Your most intimate connection is praying together (Matthew 18:19).
  • Do not look for 100% agreement in everything. Accept that you will always enjoy some personal differences. They’ll make you a better team.
  • Realize that agreement is greater than disagreement (Amos 3:3).
  • Conflict is inevitable and part of a close relationship. Conflict is not wrong, however; conflict without compromise and then finding a resolve is wrong.
  • Build a livable, agreeable budget and stick to it.  
  • Always have a short-term savings and a long-term savings.
  • Do your best to stay out of debt (Proverbs 22:7).
  • Never maintain a credit card balance (Psalms 37:21).
  • Give one another a monthly spending allowance.
  • Doing without lots of things can save your marriage.
  • Hold hands…a lot.
  • Write love notes and send cards in the mail to one another.
  • Bring home surprises for each another.
  • Date your spouse and when children arrive, date your children.
  • Check your pockets before putting your clothes in the wash.
  • Men, put the toilet seat down.
  • Divide cleaning responsibilities along with other household duties.
  • Take lots of time to talk and enjoy conversation.
  • Keep the TV and other devices out of or turned off in your bedroom.
  • Make your bedroom a special place where you end your day and then begin your day together.
  • No kids in your bedroom.
  • Remember that romance is not over once you’re married; it just began.
  • Always have at least one meal together every day, two if possible.
  • Keep complaining to a minimum; keep praise to a maximum.
  • Sit on the porch or deck together. No porch/deck? Build one.
  • Learn the skill of listening, not just talking.
  • Always construct in private.
  • When children arrive, remember they will be one of your most important contributions to your world; so treat them with love, respect, provide life-giving correction and don’t give them to someone else to raise.

There are more, but that’s for another time. 

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Children, History, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Parents

Cotton Candy, A Medical Marvel

Did you know that cotton candy was invented by a dentist from Tennessee in 1897? William James Morrison graduated from dental school and not long after became president of the Tennessee State Dental Association. While he had a number of inventions under his belt, the one that seemed a bit incongruent with his profession was cotton candy.

Morrison created an “electric candy machine” that would melt sugar and then use forced air through a mesh screen into a spinning chamber. What came out was a cloudlike substance back then known as Fairy Floss; today it’s known as cotton candy. 

While this is interesting history, it’s not what this blog is about. Scientists utilize cotton candy for a completely different use. Ironically, cotton candy might serve to save lives. How so?

Cotton candy’s delicate structure is used to create artificial human blood vessels. Researchers at Vanderbilt University spin the candy fibers, pour a gelatin mixture over the stands and after hardening they dissolve the sugar with an enzyme solution. 

What remains is a complex mold that’s very similar to the human capillary system. If successful, cotton candy can be a break-through creation to help make artificial tissue.

Psalm 139 declares that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The care and complete attention to detail of our Creator is nothing short of amazing. Did you know that you have around 60,000 miles of blood vessels running throughout your body? That’s more than twice the distance around the earth.

The next time your child asks you for a cotton candy treat at the local fair, consider saying yes. Then take some time to explain the good side of this simple treat. By the way, it takes only one tablespoon of sugar to make that cloud-like swirl.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Developing Family Rhythms

Professionals are telling us that family rhythms are missing in today’s households. What are family rhythms? Those things that your family does to build relationship, maintain consistent values and grow in family sharing and caring. 

Family rhythms cause us to connect with each member of the family. Everyone is important and everyone gets to be heard. Rhythms create space for valuing, teaching and training. Rhythms help create family culture, the ‘who’ we are as a family. 

What are family rhythms? Let me list a few:

  • Having a meal or two together every day
  • Taking a weekly family sabbath
  • Establishing a game night
  • Enjoying a BIG breakfast Saturday mornings
  • Dating your children and your spouse
  • Family worship
  • Reading a book together that all can enjoy
  • Quarterly get-aways for a day or overnight
  • Weekly small group connections or youth group
  • Family work time, e.g., cleaning the house or mowing the yard together
  • Annual family vacations
  • A monthly movie night with popcorn
  • Celebrating birthdays wholeheartedly

Before we’re called to save the world we need to save our families, the God-created foundation of our world. What do you desire your children to say about their upbringing one day? Plant those seeds now in their lives. Give them every reason in the world to love their family and to make their friends jealous. 

Speaking of their friends. Our children often invited their friends on our family vacations. We loved that! It told us our kids thought enough of our family time together to invite their friends so they too could enjoy that time together. And enjoy those times we did.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, History, Issues of the Day

The Purpose of Christmas 

Christmas is not random and neither is it simply another work holiday. Billy Graham said, “The very purpose of Christ’s coming into the world was that He might offer up His life as a sacrifice for the sins of men. He came to die. This is the heart of Christmas.”

We will gather around a tree and open presents to hopefully create smiles and the joy of laughter. Unfortunately, not everyone has that privilege. I think of the homeless, the marginalized, and those suffering from insufficient resources. 

But I also think that Mary and Joseph would identify with those who struggle at Christmas. They were not wealthy and their first Christmas was a tough one. How so?

Caesar Augustus ordered everyone to register for a census of the “entire Roman world” from their hometown. Mary and Joseph, who were “pledged to be married,” lived in Nazareth and had to travel to Bethlehem. Mary was nine months pregnant and the trip to their hometown was a very distant and grueling 90 miles! Can we even relate to a ninety-mile trip, being almost ready to deliver a baby, on a donkey or a horse through rough and dusty terrain? 

When they reached Bethlehem, there were so many people that all the inns were booked to capacity. Where would Mary be giving birth? Someone offered them a stable, a barn or the lower part of a home. Yikes, a filthy, germ infested, smelly and unsanitary animal stable!

Jesus is born and some shepherds, considered the lowest class of workers, notice a star, a very bright star. They show up to see the miracle Christ child after the angel said to them, “Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”

The Gift arrived. The final sacrificial Lamb of God. No more bloody altars of sin offerings. Jesus would be God’s sin offering for all of mankind into the ages to come. 

Have you opened this Gift? 

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Wearing Multiple Hats

How many hats do you wear? Let’s see: there’s our work hat, our husband/wife hat, our mother/father hat, our hobby hat, our grandmother or grandfather hat – you get the picture. We all wear multiple hats. A problem can arise when we are walking into our kitchen at home while still wearing our work hat. Or, we’re wearing our father hat in our work meeting, treating our staff like our kids. 

How do you successfully change from your work hat to your spouse/parent hat before walking in the door? I served as a marriage and family counselor for over fifteen years. I struggled listening to marital issues or abuse issues all day and then arriving home ready to be a father and husband. Some days I felt overwhelmed with other people’s problems and could be guilty of “carrying” them home with me. It is not a good scenario for anyone. What to do…

  • First, I had a 35 – 40-minute drive between my home and my office. I began to use it to decompress. We need space between our work and our home so we can successfully change hats. I feel for that farmer who walks into his kitchen directly from his barn where he had to deal with an uncooperative milk cow. Intentionally take the time to pray and to give your day to God. Give each person, each issue, your boss and coworker to God. Hand over your client’s issues or your congregant’s needs to your heavenly Father. You cannot carry them through the threshold of your residence or your mind will not arrive with your body. 
  • Secondly, give God thanks for your job, the problems there and those persons you work with. Have a thankful heart even in the midst of stress-filled days. 
  • Further, change focus by beginning to think about the needs of your spouse and your children. Doing this will move your thoughts from work or wherever you are coming from to your family.
  • If there were major issues that will carry over to the next day, ask God for solutions and then expect to hear from Him. When you hear, write them down and then leave them on that piece of paper until tomorrow. 
  • Stay off of your phone and give your attention to your family. Give your full attention so your spouse and children know you’re not at work, rather you’re fully engaged with them. 

Lastly, while it might seem counterproductive to what you have just read, do allow yourself to share an issue from your day at dinner around the table with your family. They do not need the names or the details, but they do need to hear that your workplace is not perfect and there are issues to discuss. That way your children will not just shrug their shoulders when asked to talk about their school day; they’ll follow your example of sharing in a vulnerable way.  

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

You Have Only Three Minutes to Say Goodbye!

There’s a new sign at the Wellington, New Zealand airport, “It’s hard to say goodbye, so make it quick. Max hug time three minutes.”

Not sure what you’ve observed at airports, but you can see almost every emotion, e.g., frustration, joy, sadness, tears, laughter and outbursts of anger. But when it comes to saying goodbye, apparently there’s a limit. The news article did not say how this new policy will be enforced. Will there be an airport guard with a stop watch? And who hugs for three minutes anyway? That feels awkward. 

It has even been voiced by the airport officials that if you desire a longer farewell you need to take it “outside the terminal.” The reason? “Lingering goodbyes cause traffic jams.” Oh, so that’s the problem!

We’ve been told that hugs and affection release oxytocin and serotonin along with dopamine. Hugs are actually good for us. We need the human connection.

What’s this blog really about? I want to remind you to frequently hug and hold her, kiss him and whisper in his ear. Hug your children and grandchildren, no matter how old they are. Tell them they are your favorite eleven-year-old and you love them unconditionally. Tell your spouse they are beautiful or handsome. Compliment them frequently. 

It’s fall in the northeastern U.S. Tell your spouse that no one rakes leaves as well as they do. Their leaf raking will take on a whole new meaning. Remind your spouse how much you appreciate them cleaning the house, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the wash, washing the car and shopping for groceries. It’s those mundane things we do daily that need noticed and encouraged. Imagine if these routines were never accomplished. Yuk!

Every day you have options to think of new ways to express thanks and speak encouragement over your life mate. Sow those seeds today, and tomorrow you’ll reap the benefits.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Prayer, Women

Praying for Our Adult Children

It was one thing to have prayed for our children as they were growing up in our home under our direct influence, but it is another praying for our adult children, especially if they no longer hold the same values we as parents do. We may have raised them with one set of values and they may choose to live by another set of values. 

Our children grew up in our home with the consistent example of seeing, hearing, and experiencing faith-believing prayer. We prayed for and about everything. We wanted them to know that even though their parents could not meet all of their needs, there was Someone who could. Children need a model of prayer which causes them to “seek first the kingdom of God.”

Today, as we pray for our adult children and their children, we still desire to see changes in their lives. As minor children, we could force some changes; we had that level of control. As adults we can only influence change through prayer and any open door they will give us. Very few persons desire our advice without them first asking for it, including our children. 

Praying for our adult children is our first line of defense and offense. It is not inaction. Prayer is not secondary; it is not lacking any other answer; it must be our go-to move first and foremost. Prayer is our lifeline to our Father as He works on behalf of our children. Prayer helps to keep the focus off of what we can do or feel the need to do and places it upon what Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and theirs. Prayer, giving our cares over to God, helps to keep our hearts at peace and free from anxiety.

We pray for them and we let them know we are praying for them. If you have opportunity, you can even let them know what and how you are praying. So, how do we pray?

Ask your Father to place the right person(s) in their lives at the right time. 

Ask Him to be in their dreams, in the music they listen to and in the media they watch. Ask Him to show up in multiple ways.

Pray for their workplace, their families, their finances, and their safety.

Pray scriptures over them. God’s word sent in prayer is a powerful tool. Pray peace over them.

Pray for God’s purposes to be fulfilled and the passions He placed on their hearts to be realized. 

Pray for their spiritual ears to hear His still small voice. 

If your children are asking for prayer, no request is too small or too large. If your children are not asking for prayer, maybe even are antagonistic toward prayer, choose not to be offended. Don’t back away from loving and accepting them. Do not choose hurt; choose the relationship any way you can get it, even if it feels shallow. Surface or fragile relationships are better than no relationship or broken relationships. Continually, in every way you can, reinforce your unconditional love as their parents. 

“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16) Your prayers make a difference.

I thank you, heavenly Father, that You are working in my son/daughter’s life each and every day. I thank You that Holy Spirit does not leave them or forsake them. I am grateful that You are loving them in a way that I cannot right now. I am grateful that regardless of what they’re saying or doing, You are drawing them to Yourself. Father, You gave them birth, they are Yours and You love them in far greater measure than I can. I commit them to Your love, to Your care. In Jesus’ name.

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