Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

15 ways to Make My Husband Feel Secure

images-3Last week we considered 13 ways a wife felt secure within her marriage and I thought it best to not leave the men out of this one. So, here are 15 ways a man can feel secure within his marriage as shared by a husband.

  1. She puts her relationship with God first in her life.
  2. She has a daily devotional time in order to listen to her heavenly Father.
  3. She cares about herself physically and emotionally and the image she reflects.
  4. She loves, cares for and sacrifices for her children unselfishly.
  5. She prioritizes caring for her husband in big and small ways.
  6. She cares for her home, keeping it neat and in order. There is no confusion around her.
  7. She holds her husband’s hand and is affectionate even in a long-term marriage relationship.
  8. She is not trying to change her husband, but accepts him as he is.
  9. She brings a cold drink to her husband when he is working outside in the heat.images-10
  10. She pray’s with and for her husband daily.
  11. She blesses and encourages her husband’s hobbies.
  12. She is her husband’s best friend.
  13. She quickly forgives.
  14. She has eyes and emotions for her husband only and enjoys a healthy sex life with him.
  15. She loves her husband unconditionally and tells him daily.

Go on a date and ask your husband what helps him to feel secure in your marriage relationship. You may be surprised by what you hear.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Making Her Feel Secure 13 Different Ways

I recently asked a very godly woman what makes her feel secure in her marriage.  She shared these thirteen things about her husband:images-5

 

  1. My husband loves and prioritizes God as #1 in his life.
  2. My husband spends time daily with his Savior in the Bible and in prayer.
  3. My husband is committed to me, to our marriage; he speaks this regularly and often tells me that he loves me.
  4. I have a home that is safe for my children, others and me. My husband built this home with his own hands and labor of love and there is a spirit of peace that resides in our home.
  5. My husband has lived by Biblical financial values and made sure that we are not in debt; all the while, investing into our future. Our bills are paid and we have a savings account.
  6. My husband affirms me – my gifts, my passions and my contributions. He affirms my work, my person and my beauty.
  7. My husband has always believed in me, encouraged me and encouraged the gifts that God has placed in my life.
  8. I can truly trust my husband because he incorporates strict codes of behavior and boundimages-19aries concerning relationship with the opposite sex.
  9. My husband is faithful with his eyes – he does not view pornography, but uses self-control and is honorable.
  10. He is really good with people and I trust him to speak life, wisdom and grace-filled counsel.
  11. He prays with me and for me.
  12. He encourages me to hear God for myself.
  13. He encourages me to express my gift of giving.

What would your wife share if you asked her what helps her feel secure within your marriage? Better yet, go out on a date and ask that very question.

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Marriage, Postmarital

In Sickness and In Health…

“In sicimages-2knees and in health…” Remember that statement? Does anyone foresee sickness? They’re just words of tradition, right? Actually they are words spoken as a promise, a vow. But quite honestly, we were young and the young do not get sick or have a frame of reference for a long-term illness. Some of those spoken vows said in our 20’s or 30’s are not tested for another thirty or forty years. When sickness comes, the depth of our love and commitment will be examined.

I have watched many couples struggle through these seasons, some successfully and some unsuccessfully. But the reality of this time depends mostly upon what your reality of marriage is today. Are you building faith, trust, commitment, openness, honesty and love now? Are you prepimages-16aring for the future by growing your marital oneness today, this month, this year?

images-3Determine today to grow old together, because there is only one thing that is greater than young love in a marital relationship and that’s old love.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer

Healthy Sex Within Your Marriage Can Help Create a Healthy Prayer Life Together

imagesIn I Corinthians 7:5 the Apostle Paul tells us that abstinence within marriage will distract us from a healthy prayer life as a couple. Many read this verse to mean that having sex as a married couple will actually distract us from prayer, but I believe just the opposite is true.   Author Gary Thomas says it this way, “Use marriage the way God intended it. Meet your sexual needs by making love to your spouse. Then your mind and soul will be more open to prayer.”images-2

 

Our sex drive is biological and our prayer drive is spiritual, but when a couple is unselfishly meeting one another’s sexual desires the intimacy of prayer becomes more inviting, easier to engage in and even more complementary. When the sexual union and the spiritual union are connected in a harmonizing manner, you will find fewer disagreements and fewer attempts at nit-picking with your spouse. Both prayer and sex are gifts from God and that’s why the enemy attempts to inhibit them in marriage. These two areas alone, connected and sanctioned by God, should make the Christ centered marriage even more inviting.images-3

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Issues of the Day, Leadership, Marriage

Walking in Integrity and Avoiding an Affair

To walk in integrity outside of moral failure has some great benefits to it.  I am not sure if you have ever thought about the consequences of having an affair, but here are a few to meditate on:

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  • Working to rebuild trust and an uninhibited marriage of oneness once again (spiritually, sexually, emotionally)
  • Embarrassing family, losing their respect and trust
  • Having to walk away from a job or ministry position
  • Possibly having to relocate
  • Possibly facing newspaper articles, publicly printed communication and social media about personal failure
  • Facing rumors, gossip and lies
  • Having to face untold and far-reaching negative consequences either based on truth and fact or hearsay
  • Maybe having to face the law or possible law suits
  • Losing or forfeiting many friendships and local church relationships
  • Living with wounds and scars
  • Feeling as though everyone is watching youimages-7
  • Suffering from overwhelming thoughts of failure
  • Continually reliving the past and coming up with regret and loss
  • Living with continual condemnation
  • Struggling to sleep at night
  • Waking up in the morning and wondering how to look forward to a new day
  • Having to be concerned about who one may face or encounter throughout the day
  • Suffering the loss of vision
  • Having to go through biblical discipline and a restoration process
  • Being unable to look at one’s family and all others in the eye
  • Being unable to look at oneself in the mirror without feeling condemnation and feeling like a failure
  • Suffering from an unclear conscience; walking through life feeling a cloud over oneself
  • Feeling the loss of ones peace and joy
  • Suffering through the loss and grief of broken relationship with God
  • Living with the deep hurt and pain you caused the one with whom you vowed a promise of fidelity
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Leadership, Marriage, Parents

I Forgive You

images-4I forgive you – three very powerful, but very difficult words to speak. Perhaps even more difficult are the words, “Please forgive me.” Why does it take so long to work up the courage, humble ourselves and put away our pride? Jesus offered this medicine while on the earth when He shared that if we forgive, we will be forgiven. Paul the apostle stated it so succinctly when he wrote it this way, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Nicky Gumbel, the Alpha course images-5teacher, once said that the first one to apologize is the bravest one.

It has been well stated that to withhold forgiveness only hurts us. It keeps us bound by our refusal to release the one who hurt us or who we hurt. Withholding forgiveness will separate you from your soul mate. It will make life far more stressful. When we express forgiveness to one another and the air is cleared, it’s like a new sense of connection, freedom and release of tension. The heaviness can leave; eye contact and affection can return. You will fall asleep easier and you will wake up more refreshed. Through forgiveness your heart, mind and spirit can once again be at peace. Be brave, be the initiator when it comes to forgiving.images

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Issues of the Day, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Pain of an Affair

imagesMy wife, Mary, and I were on a plane traveling to the Midwest and it was the dead of winter. We were conducting our first weekend marriage seminar in this frozen, sub-zero temperature state. We jumped off the plane and onto the small airport tarmac to be greeted by the coldest, howling wind we’ve ever felt. Our eyes began to water and our noses started to run. It was cold.

As we became acquainted with the pastor of the church who kindly picked us up at the airport, he informed us that we were going straight to the church building to meet with his two eldership couples that were awaiting our arrival. I thought, “Wow, he’s not wasting any time putting us to work.” He then said, “Boy, am I glad you guys are here. We have a problem that we would like the two of you to address.” “What’s the issue? “ I asked. He then said something we had never, ever heard before and haven’t heard since. “It seems that the husband of our one eldership couple is in an affair with the wife of the other eldership couple,” the pastor cautiously revealed. “We want you to meet with them.” I then asked if the “non-affairing” spouses are aware of what has happened and is about to happen. He assured us they were totally unaware.images-2

There we sat with the first couple as the husband confessed to his wife his ongoing affair with a woman she trusted and was in ministry with. We watched as her face began multiple, visibly painful contortions. And then the tears began to flow and flow using tissue after tissue. Her body slumped lower and lower in her chair. It was like she was literally shriveling up right there in front of us. I have wished ever since that meeting we had videotaped the wife’s pain-filled facial expressions and body language. If I could show it to you, you would never, never, never desire to bring that level of pain to your worst enemy, let alone your spouse. Don’t, please don’t.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Getting Married is Easy; It’s the Staying Married Part

images-6When we say, “I do” we are never quite sure of what’s ahead. Thinking back over the many couples I have counseled, I can only begin to tell you the various scenarios that those couples faced so unexpectedly. For example, I can recall the early passing of a life mate, failure of a business, the loss of a three-year-old child, affairs, depression and other mental illnesses, a life altering accident or illness, addictions, extreme financial mismanagement, inability to become pregnant, just to name a few. To so many of these couples it felt completely overwhelming and I am sad to say that not all of the couples survived the tragedies.images-20

For the majority who did endure I noticed something extraordinary, something life changing happened. As these couples battled through the disappointment, through the loss and through the unexpected surprises they became stronger in their marriage. They decided that the tough times were going to make them and not break them. They chose to get help, be honest, lay their cards on the table, expose their weaknesses and be altogether open and truthful. Change never occurred overnight, but change did occur. They submitted to counsel, read books, prayed together, completed homework assignments, gave each other extra grace, FORGAVE one another, grew in their faith and recommitted many times to a better future.

images-5Regardless of where you are in your marriage, there is help and there is hope. If God is who He says He is, then there is not a marriage scenario that He cannot work with. If He could forgive the woman brought to Him who had committed adultery and had obviously failed her marriage, He can forgive you and rebuild your relationship.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Will Our Marriage Mature Us?

images-7Living with another human being feels almost impossible at times.   We can continually deal with questions like: Will she ever change? Can he ever see beyond himself? When will my needs be met? Since when is our credit card bill more important than me? But here’s part of the deal… Marriage points out our selfishness rather clearly. Marriage kicks individuality in the butt. Marriage holds us accountable. Marriage exposes our commitment to God and our faith. And marriage has a way of exposing our immaturities.

All of the above can be seen as a huge negative or a huge opportunity for change. Once we realize the truth about this partnership called marriage, we have two choices. We can either dismiss what is being exposed within us or we can embrace it and begin to put into place mechanisms for change. For some, “dismissing” is going to the extreme of ending the marriage and looking for another partner only to eventually be confronted with the very same self-conflicting issues.  But for others, marriage provides an opportunity for God-stretching truth that exposes what’s on the inside of us.  It’s that “inside” part that scares us sometimes and we’d rather keep it hidden. We can accomplish that during engagement perhaps, but not when we spend over fourteen hours a day together.images-12

I suppose it’s that “real us” we’re afraid of letting out. However, God already knows about that real us intimately and most likely so does our spouse. So, go ahead, be real while listening for that voice of change causing you to become a more mature life partner.

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Issues of the Day, Marriage, Prayer, Premarital

Money, Values and Major Marriage Differences

images-6Mary was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least those were our thoughts and to be honest, sometimes our spoken words. If Mary had cash, there was something to purchase. If there was money left over at the end of the month, I thought it was there for only one reason, to save. This is how we operated for years into marriage until one day we discovered a morsel of revelation.

What if we could combine these two areas and have them actually become our strength in marriage rather than a point of contention? Mary is simply great at finding deals and I love to make sure we can save for future purchases of assets. It could be a win/win if we could just get it worked out. Not everything we need to purchase is an asset and Mary loved that form of shopping, e.g., kids cloths, groceries, gifts and home furnishings. I loved to pay extra on our home mortgage and save cash to purchase out next car rather than securing a loan.images-8

Here is the revelation that we discovered and it may serve you also. Mary was more of a “giver” than simply a spender. She seemed to always see the needs of others and wanted to invest a gift or help with a need. On the other hand, I was not being a tight wad as much as I was attempting to “invest” in our future. It wasn’t saving for savings sake, but rather growing our financial wealth. We needed both of these areas united and rather than fighting and arguing we would pray and agree for the purchase of both necessary liabilities and assets.

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