My wife, Mary, and I were on a plane traveling to the Midwest and it was the dead of winter. We were conducting our first weekend marriage seminar in this frozen, sub-zero temperature state. We jumped off the plane and onto the small airport tarmac to be greeted by the coldest, howling wind we’ve ever felt. Our eyes began to water and our noses started to run. It was cold.
As we became acquainted with the pastor of the church who kindly picked us up at the airport, he informed us that we were going straight to the church building to meet with his two eldership couples that were awaiting our arrival. I thought, “Wow, he’s not wasting any time putting us to work.” He then said, “Boy, am I glad you guys are here. We have a problem that we would like the two of you to address.” “What’s the issue? “ I asked. He then said something we had never, ever heard before and haven’t heard since. “It seems that the husband of our one eldership couple is in an affair with the wife of the other eldership couple,” the pastor cautiously revealed. “We want you to meet with them.” I then asked if the “non-affairing” spouses are aware of what has happened and is about to happen. He assured us they were totally unaware.
There we sat with the first couple as the husband confessed to his wife his ongoing affair with a woman she trusted and was in ministry with. We watched as her face began multiple, visibly painful contortions. And then the tears began to flow and flow using tissue after tissue. Her body slumped lower and lower in her chair. It was like she was literally shriveling up right there in front of us. I have wished ever since that meeting we had videotaped the wife’s pain-filled facial expressions and body language. If I could show it to you, you would never, never, never desire to bring that level of pain to your worst enemy, let alone your spouse. Don’t, please don’t.
When we say, “I do” we are never quite sure of what’s ahead. Thinking back over the many couples I have counseled, I can only begin to tell you the various scenarios that those couples faced so unexpectedly. For example, I can recall the early passing of a life mate, failure of a business, the loss of a three-year-old child, affairs, depression and other mental illnesses, a life altering accident or illness, addictions, extreme financial mismanagement, inability to become pregnant, just to name a few. To so many of these couples it felt completely overwhelming and I am sad to say that not all of the couples survived the tragedies.
Regardless of where you are in your marriage, there is help and there is hope. If God is who He says He is, then there is not a marriage scenario that He cannot work with. If He could forgive the woman brought to Him who had committed adultery and had obviously failed her marriage, He can forgive you and rebuild your relationship.
Living with another human being feels almost impossible at times. We can continually deal with questions like: Will she ever change? Can he ever see beyond himself? When will my needs be met? Since when is our credit card bill more important than me? But here’s part of the deal… Marriage points out our selfishness rather clearly. Marriage kicks individuality in the butt. Marriage holds us accountable. Marriage exposes our commitment to God and our faith. And marriage has a way of exposing our immaturities.
Mary was a “spender” and I was a “tight wad.” At least those were our thoughts and to be honest, sometimes our spoken words. If Mary had cash, there was something to purchase. If there was money left over at the end of the month, I thought it was there for only one reason, to save. This is how we operated for years into marriage until one day we discovered a morsel of revelation.
Early on in our marriage our biggest struggle was about money. Since that time, we have learned this topic is a struggle for most couples. Not to assume that it is only a struggle when there are insufficient funds, but, as we discovered, when there are sufficient funds as well. We went on to ascertain that the differences had to do with two areas. Those two areas were financial values and trust. In other words, we did not have the same beliefs when it came to spending and saving and those differences led to not fully trusting each other. This blog entry is dedicated more to finding those roots versus practical budgeting tips. So, here are some root issues to consider when it comes to financial values and trust:
I love marriage, being married – my marriage. It is unthinkable to be writing that Mary and I are soon married for 41 years and more in love. It is amazing to be at this place, such a good place. I love “old love.” We’re not as fast as we used to be and neither are we as pain-free, but seriously, love that grows old with someone…there’s nothing like it. At this end of the spectrum, I have something to share about marriage and here are a few of those things:
Jesus suffered, as did many men and women of history. It was/is our Lord’s belief that something would be built in us as we would realize…For our present troubles are quite small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! (II Corinthians 4:17)
Author Gary Thomas once proposed this scenario, “You may opt for a divorce, but you cannot ever engage in sex again with anyone else for the rest of your life.” The obvious question that would follow would be just how many couples would actually divorce? Perhaps some women, but I am guessing very few men. I remember studying divorce and remarriage from every angle for our book, Called Together. We wanted to write what was biblically correct, while at the same time not provoke any unnecessary pain in those who have been through such devastation.
Sorry guys, but your wife does not desire you to fix her like you fix the car or repair the broken dryer. But what she does desire is for you to attentively listen to her. I learned this lesson late one evening after a long day at the office counseling couples and individuals. Still in my “counseling mode,” Mary was running her day by me while I kept interrupting her with what she should have said or what she should have done in each case. Finally, in exasperation she quipped, “Oh, you’re the GREAT counselor swooping in to fix me and others!” What…? I was thinking, “She didn’t just respond that way when I was simply trying to help her did she?”
