Dating is for the single person only. You are now into the real life throes of long-term marriage and everyone knows it is to be serious. It’s a lot of hard work and everyone is aware of the fact that the romantic spark left years ago. So, stop trying to prove otherwise.- Dating costs money and money is hard to come by. The last thing you want to do is invest in your relationship. There are far too many essentials that must come first in the list of financial priorities.
- Dating takes time and time is a commodity that should be given first to work, the children and upkeep of all the stuff you own.
- You already did the, “smell good and look attractive” thing. You “caught” one another so go back to the couch and take that much-needed break in your most worn and most comfortable outfit. Ladies, put your hair into curlers and men, stop shaving.
- And lastly, dating means we have to talk and heaven knows talking leads to fighting and fighting leads to not talking and not talking leads to…well, more fighting. So, your best bet is to never, never, never date. It will only lead to a closer, more loving, more fun and a deeper friendship.
Category Archives: Marriage
Making Valentine’s Day Last a Month
While Valentine’s Day has its roots in ancient Roman festivals that were basically pagan, Pope Gelasius recast this festival as a Christian feast day around 496 and declared February 14th as St. Valentine’s Day. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia the priest, Valentine, actually attracted the disfavor of Claudius II around 270. Claudius II was prohibiting young men from marriage to make them into soldiers. According to legend, Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies secretly and was eventually apprehended by the Romans and put to death.
The Valentine Day card evolved in the 18th century in England with gift-giving and handmade cards, which eventually spread to the American colonies. But it wasn’t until the 1850’s when Esther Howland, from Worcester, Mass., began producing Valentine’s Day greeting cards. Today, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines.
Below are some ideas to generate your expression of love this Valentine’s Day:
- Write Post It notes of thankfulness and encouragement and place them all over the house.
- Send a card to your spouse’s workplace and surprise her/him with mail from you.
- Buy him or her their favorite candy bar and place it somewhere special.
- Kiss your valentine for no reason.
- Take their hand while driving or walking together.
- Do a surprise date; you plan the whole date from beginning to end.
- Make her a special dinner.
- Make his favorite meal or dessert.
- Start buying small gifts and give them weekly throughout the month.
- Slip a hand written love note on a business card onto their car door or under their windshied wiper.
- Bring her or him coffee or tea in bed.
- Take care of the children for a few hours so she or he can do something special.
- Send a text message or call everyday around the same time telling her/him why you love them.
- Bring home take-out, flowers and a movie and surprise her.
- Buy him that tool or “toy” he has desired.
- Create your own Valentine’s Day card.
- Purchase a book on marriage and determine read it together.
- In the near future attend a marriage seminar weekend together.
- If you haven’t, begin a regiment of praying together, blessing one another in meaningful spiritual connection.
- Grab the vacuum and vacuum the house for your family. She’ll love you for it!
- Read a couples devotional that challenges your romance together.
- Do extra special sensual things like rubbing her back, massaging his neck, taking a shower together, speaking truth-filled words of deep affection, affirmation and acceptance.
- Look at old picture albums reflecting your young love.
- Discuss “older love” and how maturation in your relationship is still attractive to you.
- Share the ten things you love about one another.
- Watch a love story movie and laugh together.
Five Grievous Ways to Tear Apart Your Spouse
Since the middle of the month of February has this “holiday” called Valentine’s Day, I thought it appropriate to commit the next few weeks of blog messages to marriage. I hope you enjoy the various subjects and that in some small way they help you or remind you of your marital love and commitment, starting with these five warnings.
1. Speaking belittling words, name calling or utilizing sarcastic phrases that are meant to make our spouse feel inadequate, stupid or have lessor worth. Put-downs are never appreciated and never build relationship. They actually expose how immature we are as a person. They show off our feelings of inadequacy and our need to attempt to elevate ourself.
2. Talking in a tone of voice that conveys the message: “Listen you moron, if I said this once I’ve said it a dozen times — how can you not get this?” This tone is both demeaning and full of ridicule, not to mention it shows a severe lack of respect and honor. It also conveys the deprecating message, “I’m smarter than you.”
3. Making light of something our spouse cannot change. Your spouse cannot change the size of his or her feet or nose. They cannot change the fact that they lost hearing in one ear or have (in spite of how hard they try) kept on a few pounds after pregnancy. There are many things we can take responsibility for and change, but some things are just not possible, so please stop making these areas the brunt of your jokes. Plain and simple, it hurts even when your spouse laughs with you.
4. Correcting your spouse in public with that proverbial parenting voice. A wise couple once told us, “Praise in public, construct in private” and we have never forgotten that wisdom. Some couples/families use public embarrassment in an attempt to correct or silence another. It is dysfunctional and unhealthy to a marriage relationship. You are not one another’s parents; you are life partners looking out for each other’s best interest and good will.
5. Withholding compliments, praise, words of thankfulness and appreciation. By withholding these you think it will cause your mate to work harder in an effort to gain them. It will not. It will discourage them and for some, to the point of giving up. Heap praise, words of affirmation, compliments, and “I love you” words as often and as frequently as you possibly can. Withholding words of affirmation does not motivate, but readily and often speaking compliments and saying “thank you” will motivate.
Let’s get started operating in the complete opposite of the five grievous ways and always, always remember: You and your spouse are one. That means, whatever you are speaking about your spouse you are also speaking about yourself.
The Ten Commandments of Marriage V
9. Thou Shalt Be Engaged in Mission Together
What was the wisdom of God in bringing the two of you together? What were/are the redemptive purposes for this marriage relationship? These questions should lead you to what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely your work place or local church place has a mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created have a mission? Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams and visions for the future. This paragraph might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.
10. Thou Shalt Practice the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage
The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit and a letting go of your ego. The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal purposes in the relationship. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them and speak them they will be a lifetime of wisdom. What are the nine most important words in marriage?
I am sorry; I was wrong, please forgive me.
The Ten Commandments of Marriage IV
And two more marriage commandments…
7. Thou Shalt Change Yourself First Change. Very few people even like the word. It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up or surrender to the will of another. Or, our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change and that’s what I’m really after.” It doesn’t work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. Otherwise, in the end, we will resent the one requiring change from us. Growing up, growing closer as a couple and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change.
8. Thou Shalt Ask God Rather Than Fight Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it’s connected to prayer, but not at first. All too frequently, early on in marriage, we ‘know’ that we’re right. And, if we’re right our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one. If we’re one in spirit then it’s no longer you against me, but us. In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are losing. James chapter four and verse one begins by asking a question. That amazing question is, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” Fortunately, James provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God.” Is it really that simple? The choice is ours, fighting and arguing or praying and agreement.
The Ten Commandments of Marriage III
Continuing with the theme of the Ten Commandments of marriage:
5. Thou Shalt Honor One Another
Honor one another…now that’s a tough one. Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give them your time, to prioritize your mate over yourself, your work and your children. Honor is saying that next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with our actions, as well as, our respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor. If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground meaningless. In honor we pray for and with our mate regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will actually build more honor, admiration and affirmation into your relationship.
6. Thou Shalt Maintain Your Sexual Love
Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for woman. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor…well, it’s just sex. And sex without relationship is lust. God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has made sex into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment? There is only one answer and so it seems reasonable that maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (I Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Lastly, life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.
The Ten Commandments of Marriage II
We’ve started a series on the ten commandments of marriage and today we consider numbers three and four.
3. Thou Shalt Love Her or Him and Make Them Holy
Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? Yep, it’s all right there in the Scripture. I Corinthians seven says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one. You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify and edify their believing spouse. When we become our spouses cheer leader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic and it is killing their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate, love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner with our speech full of grace. Because of who the Proverbs 31 woman was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder. As you reflect God to one other you will build holiness in one another.
4. Thou Shalt Play Together
Can you remember all the fun things you thought of and once did while dating? Are you still laughing together, really laughing? Marriage has to be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it. What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness and monotony to set in. Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s work place, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese or playing a game that is not too competitive. Rent one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for, listen for and check the Internet for local happenings that you can attend together and have fun again. Recently, we attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.” Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them, you’ll never regret it. Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority.
The Ten Commandments of Marriage
Starting this week, I am going to create a series of blogs that I am calling The Ten Commandments of Marriage. I hope you enjoy them and will share them with others.
1. Thou Shalt Love God Above All Else
To love your spouse, your children or yourself above God is simply wrong. Jesus said we were to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and then love our neighbor as our self. Your closest neighbor is your spouse, but love them next to God. Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? That means, in order to be able to love another so deeply we must be able to know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse. Ephesians says it this way, “…no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” You cannot hate yourself, while at the same time, claim to love your mate. You are one.
2. Thou Shalt Not be Self-consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition
Selfish ambition is being filled with immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than anything. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your greater good, not walking in humility, interested only in yourself and, lastly, being filled with vain conceit (Philippians 2:3,4) We are strictly commanded to be like Christ who became a servant and even though He was God, never considered equality with God by giving up His divine privileges (NLT). Are you serving and looking for ways to serve your spouse on a daily basis? There is no 50/50 deal in marriage; it is a one hundred percent devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we actually are and can either destroy our relationship or expose our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met, but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.
Celebrating 75 Years of Marriage
My wife’s parents recently celebrated 75 years of marriage. It seems the long ago story was that they were asked by some friends of theirs to stand in as witnesses for an out-of-state wedding before a local Justice of the Peace. While there, Harold and Betty decided to do the same – “tie the knot.” They were the very mature ages of 19 and 17. After saying, “I do,” Harold dropped Betty off at her family home while he drove to his without mentioning a word to either of their parents. Recently, having the opportunity to sit down with them, we asked this pointed question, “What were your marriage secrets in maintaining a healthy relationship for seven and a half decades?” The following is written as they spoke it.
- We honored our wedding vows daily. We meant what we spoke to one another. Regardless of life circumstances, our vows were never in question.
- We both received into our heart Jesus as our Savior and made Him Lord of our lives early in our marriage. He made all the difference in the world for us and in raising our children.
- Having regular fellowship with like believers helped us and encouraged us to stay together. We were held accountable by those relationships.
- We felt responsible to bring up our eight children with the truth of God’s word. Now with many grandchildren, great- grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren they are our “mission field.” We pray daily for them.
- As we spend our days in our recliners, with our children now caring for us, we are trusting the Lord to keep us while we wait for Him to take us to our eternal home. We are ready to go home.
Thank you, Harold and Betty, for fighting the good fight, being a godly and loving example of marriage to your family and hundreds of other families. We love you!
On Going to the Doctor
When it comes to doctors I am typically the “wait and see” type of patient. If I have an issue, I wait and see believing that it will eventually go away. But on those rare occasions when I do have a legitimate physical problem I have discovered that I do not like the waiting rooms (where sick people live, breathe and cough all over you), the clipboards with my address and phone update requests (yes, it’s still the same), the medical smells (especially the smells), the questions (which have become more and more intrusive), the waiting a second time in the examination room (sometimes longer than the first wait), the second set of questions when the Dr. actually shows up (Really, didn’t we already cover this?). I don’t even like the phone process that you have to go through to secure an appointment (I am people, you are people, CAN I TALK TO A PERSON?). The whole thing is just…well, unnerving, expensive and upon leaving I take one big breath (as if I have been holding it for the last 63 minutes) in the parking lot while running to my car.
Enter my wife, Mary, my favorite nurse who works at the very same doctor’s office. She faces all of the above with far worse patients than her husband. She faces those whose frustrations have gotten the best of them; those who refuse to be weighed for obvious reasons, those who are dying a slow death; those who really do not need to see a doctor, but their health care pays 100% for the sniffles; those who do not bathe regularly and those who have screaming, out of control kids. It is her goal to be Jesus to her patients, to share compassion with those who are hurting, each and every one of them. Her stories of serving them in a loving and selfless way are a challenge to my faith. And, every once in a long while, just maybe, one of those patients will smile back at her, thank her or say some life-giving words like, “I wish you were my nurse every time I came to the doctor.” When I am sick, I am thinking about myself and not the one caring for me. It is these times and it is these places that provide a test of my own heart, a check on my attitude. I need to get over myself and remember that I represent Jesus as well.
Steve Prokopchak 