Category Archives: Marriage

Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Couples Can Fight and Argue or Pray and Agree

Early in our marriage, Mary and I came to a bit of a revelation, but not without a challenge at first  We could choose to fight and argue or we could pray and agree together.  Disagreement is powerful and even of use at times, but even more powerful is agreement.  The scriptures tell us that if any two persons will agree together in prayer they will receive what they are asking for.  Our major disagreements centered on the fact that Mary was a “spender” and I was a  “saver” when it came to our view of finances.  Those two different priorities would often clash.  Both views had their positives and both had their negatives.  Serving in missions at the time meant that we had very few resources, but truthfully we can fight and argue when we have a lot of money, as well as, very little money.  We had to move beyond who was right or who was wrong to prayer and asking God for His direction, discernment and provision.

At that time, we had lots of needs with two small children and it was necessary to come to the place that regardless of income level, the most important priority was to move forward in agreement.  We discovered that as we sought the Lord first, He enabled us to see our partner’s view more quickly.  He helped us to move toward wanting to bless the other rather than withhold and remain selfish.  He helped us to see that our use of the terms “spender” and “saver” were terms of judgment and became negative to us.  Rather, He gave us new language.  Mary was actually a “giver” and I was a “planner “for future needs.  As we began to pray and agree over our financial needs, we found a place of power.  With fewer arguments or the fear of disagreement, it was much easier to work on a realistic budget and to stick to it.  If you find yourself fighting and arguing more than praying and agreeing, try taking your request to God first and see how He can help you to find the power of agreement.

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Children, Encouragement, Marriage

Giving Away My Daughter

In two weeks I have the privilege of walking my baby girl down the aisle and then officiating the wedding ceremony.  While I felt so honored to be asked to perform the wedding, I now wonder about my sanity in agreeing to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea, but am now the one with “cold feet” and wondering how I will get through it emotionally.  How do you “give away” your only daughter, the baby in the family?  She is about to spend more time married, with another man, than she ever spent with me, her father, growing up – it’s not fair.

I loved the growing up years from infancy on.  I was elated watching her first steps and missing her the moment she went off to kindergarten. I loved teaching her to ride a bicycle and playing softball in the front yard.  Her acting career in high school, although short-lived, was moments in time of sheer pride.  Teaching her to drive a car, a five speed, was exhilarating in more ways than one.  Sending her off to college four hours from her home…never easy.  Helping her move to Washington, DC for her first “real” job felt awkward at best.

But soon I will walk her down the aisle and then another man will walk her away from me.  There will be an exchange of authority, of leadership, of responsibility and another will be “laying down his life.”  I would do it all over again, from birth forward.  I would change some things, but not much.  I would not trade the struggles and tears, the laughter and joys for anything.  It is why God gave her to me (us) – to give her away, first to Him and then to His man for her.  It is why I/we spent thousands of hours training her and thousands of dollars raising her.  Brooke Megan, you are an amazing woman of God; you are a delight to my very soul.  “…Our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.” (Ps. 144:12)

(If you are single and wondering what are the most important character traits in a life mate, then read my first 21 blogs.)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Blindness is Temporary; Love is Forever

This past weekend I had the privilege of hanging out with a very special couple.  The wife, due to diabetes complications, is now completely blind.  She retired a year ago from public school teaching and then her husband followed her into retirement this past January, partly to care for her.  Presently both of them work tirelessly at a local church serving as elders.  This special woman of God does not complain, has not become angry at God or doctors and continues to show a servant’s heart in all she does.  This special man of God, a long-term, committed husband, is spending much of his daily time serving and practically caring for his wife.  So naturally, my wife and I were inquisitive and wondering how life is for them these days.  We had to ask some questions.

After a few questions, while they were holding hands, the wife replied, “We’re closer than ever.”  She then said, “This has not stopped our love for one another and we care about each other even more.”  “Sometimes he [her husband] forgets me at the restaurant when he goes to pay the bill, so I just sit there and wait until he returns, he apologizes and then he leads me out to the car.”  They both laugh out loud when recounting their repeated story.  The wife shared that her physical blindness has caused her to be more dependent upon the Lord while her husband states that he had to go from being a “loner” to interacting more with people as he cares for his wife and her relationships.  You spoke those words, as did I, “In sickness and in health…”  We have no idea of the future, but we know that if we allow our love to grow a small portion daily, when we are faced with the unexpected, our love will be intact and we’ll be able to handle the stress of what we may someday face.

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Marriage, Postmarital

I’m Giving Up on My Marriage, It’s too Easy!

Have you ever heard of someone saying marriage is just too easy?  I haven’t.  Author Gary Thomas recently wrote, “Beauty is often birthed in struggle.”  When we struggle for or through something we often tend to appreciate it far more.  I was working full-time, going to graduate school full-time, and being a husband and father while at the same time building our home with a friend – yes, literally pounding the nails.  It was one of the most challenging and demanding times of my life.  But the rewards, well, they were great.   As tough as it was, I didn’t walk away from any of my responsibilities because they were too difficult.

Imagine your Christian walk being trouble-free, without challenge and a life of ease.  While the desire for ease is often a dream, rarely is it an opportunity.  But, should it be?  Struggles make us stronger.  Challenges create perseverance.  A forced dependence upon our Creator through prayer and a growing relationship matures us.  Otherwise we remain unseasoned and immature.  The same is true of marriage.  When it gets tough and there are very real problems, God does not desire to rescue us so we do not face them, but rather He desires to walk us through them victoriously, maturing our marriages in the process.  In reality we should be thanking God for the opportunities in which marriage allows us to grow and mature.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Why Are We so Different?

Have you ever wondered why you married someone who is NOT like you?  We enjoy taking couples through premarital and hearing about how they just love the same music, have the same taste in clothing or both share a love of roller coasters.  Believe me, my wife and I have heard it all.  But after they say, “I do” none of these “loves” actually amount to much.  What they begin to discover is how different they really are.  Two become one as we speak our vows to God and to one another.  However, it is in the actual becoming one when we learn to embrace the differences.

It may take two years or more to discover that those “differences” are actually positives and not negatives.  While we may quarrel over them, a difference of opinion or a different view on things is actually a positive.  An example from my marriage is that I am the one who tends to see ahead, push for change and take risks.  I married someone who is not a risk taker and loves the security of things staying the same.  So how does that work as a positive?  Well, it took us some time to figure it out, but eventually we discovered something that we have since carried in our hearts.  That is, typically I have the vision and my wife carries the timing for that vision.  Vision is great, but timing is everything!

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Marriage, Postmarital

Communication is More Than Just Words

In our book, Called Together, we have a premarital section on communication.  It’s the longest chapter in the book.  Within those pages there is a quote from  author Norm Wright that goes like this, “Communication is: 7 percent words (content), 38 percent attitude (tone of voice) and 55 percent body language.”  Believe me, your children know to respond quickly when they hear their first, middle and last name at heightened volume while you are moving toward them with something in hand.  They understand these percentages!

In a marriage, we can say the right words and a totally different message is received.  For example, say your wife beats you home from work and she begins thinking about how she has missed you and in her mind begins to formulate her greeting to you.  She awaits full of anticipation.  But you had a pretty rough day and have not completely made the transition from foreman to husband as yet.  You walk in the door with your (proverbial) foreman hat still on as your wife moves toward you, smiling and saying how nice it is to see you.  She goes on to say that see missed you and she loves you.   To all of this you say, “Yeah, yeah, I love you too, where’s the mail?”  Did your wife catch or even hear those “I love you “ words tucked in the middle of that sentence?  I doubt it.  The next time you’re tempted to respond glibly, stop what you are doing, look at your spouse, listen to him or her and then respond in kind with tone of voice and body language all adding to the message.

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Marriage, Postmarital

I Slept but my Heart was Awake

This phrase grabbed me as I was reading the amazing book titled Song Of Songs, “I slept but my heart was awake.”  (If you’re unfamiliar with this book, you’ll find it in the middle of your Bible.)  Beautiful thought isn’t it?  Our God, the God of marriage, of relationship between a man and a woman, the Creator of sexuality wrote this.  This awesome book reads like a sensual novel; a love story like no other.  Its purity and its prose are unashamedly open and passionate about two lovers.  Can you feel the anticipation in this verse – physically asleep, but emotionally awake?  Solomon then writes, “Listen! My lover is knocking…” Ah, the answer to the much-anticipated arrival.

Some time ago, I was returning from an extended international trip away from my wife who was now picking me up at the airport.  I jumped in the car as she retrieved me from the curb and we were like two giddy kids trying to catch up for lost time together.  Mary was so excited that she drove right through a stop sign and then stopped at a green light.  We just laughed at ourselves and enjoyed the moment.  Every night while gone from our bed we were thinking about and anticipating the return, our hearts were awake…waiting…listening…watching for the long-awaited “knock.”  Is your heart “awake” toward your lover?

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities III

There are some concluding areas of life’s priorities that I would like to discuss.  We’ve talked about loving God first, along with loving our spouse and ourselves.  Then we looked at how Jesus maintained His priorities and finally I think it’s vital for us to “check our gauges.”  Years ago cars were made with actual gauges on their dashboards.  These gauges read the oil pressure, the temperature, the vacuum and the amps.  The driver was the only computer on board and monitoring all the gauges was of utmost importance.  As higher demands are placed on marriages and families, our gauges will be indicators of our operating condition.  We simply cannot run on empty.  We must have times of replenishment and disconnection.  The following is a list of areas to look at within your own life, marriage and family in maintaining life’s priorities:

1.  Are you continually serving outside your gift areas?  Paul told Timothy to “Watch your life…closely…”  (I Timothy 4:16)

2.  Pace yourself.  No one can maintain a full-time sprint.

3.  Learn to say “no.” God is not impressed when you say yes to something He has not told you to do or be involved with.

4.  Watch your balance of: work, rest, play and worship.

5.  Take your annual vacation days along with your weekly Sabbath.

6.  Maintain an interest in something fun where you disconnect and have down time.

7.  Keep reading; keep studying; keep learning in order to keep growing.

8.  Learn to share deeply and pray intimately with your spouse and do not avoid counsel when needed.

9.  Maintain dates with your spouse and children.

10. Evaluate.  Take time to evaluate your marriage, family, finances, work, exercise, down time – life as you know it.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities in Our Marriage II

Life is busy and families have every hour of every day filled with many good things.  As we love God first, there must be a sense of His Lordship within our daily schedules.  How do we know we are to be doing all the things that our work places, our children’s schools, our local municipalities and our local churches require of us?  How did Jesus know what to prioritize with only three and one half years to accomplish His Father’s mission for Him?  Let me pass on to you a few secrets from the life of Jesus in balancing life’s many priorities.

First, Jesus knew who He was and what He was called to.  (John 8: 12-14))  Second, He heard and obeyed His Father’s voice.  (John 8: 28-29)  Third, He rested, took breaks and had fun.  (Matthew 13:1; Mark 1:35; John 2:1-2)  And lastly, He never lost His compassion for mankind.  (Mark 9: 35-36)  Meditate on the above scriptures and ask your heavenly Father how to maintain a similar balance in your life and marriage.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities in Our Marriage

What are your first five life priorities?  What or who do you put first in your life?  Matthew 22:36-40 says that we are to put God first, but some days it’s ourselves and other days it’s our children and still others it’s our work place.  Does God get your leftovers at times?  At a certain point in our marriage, Mary and I realized that both God and our spouse couldn’t keep receiving our leftovers at the end of the day.  But where do we place our spouse and our self within the first five priorities of life?

Matthew 22 says to love God first.  Okay, got that.  Then, you are to love your neighbor as yourself.  Who is our closest neighbor?  Next to God is family and the closest relationship within family is your spouse.  Where then does self fit into this list of priorities?  There is no denying that our needs are important to us.  There is no denying that we like our teeth brushed and our hair combed, looking as good as we can before facing our day.  And there is no denying that in order to love others as our self, we need to have an appropriate self-love.   It is our conclusion that we need to place the priority of loving self after loving our spouse, but at the same priority level.   …”He who loves his wife loves himself.”  (Eph. 5: 28b)

We’ll continue our look at priorities next week.

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