Category Archives: Marriage

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Married and Friends: The Trust Factor

The month of February has a wonderful tradition in the middle of it, Valentine’s Day.  With that in mind, I thought I would set aside this month for marriage topics, or perhaps more than this month – who knows. 

Mary, my dear wife of almost 37 years, (As a customs agent once told us when we were attempting to return to the USA, “Wow, you guys are REALLY married.”) and I had been driving through the night after I worked a long evening shift.  We traveled most of the way on four-lane divided highways and then found a brand new “expressway” en route to the eastern shore, our destination.  Assuming all expressways are four lanes of divided traffic, I headed east casually attempting to pass the car in front of me when suddenly realizing we had headlights aiming straight for us.  Wondering out loud what this idiot driver was doing, I quickly merged back into the right hand lane.

Now I couldn’t just run anyone off the road, in my late night stupor, I ran a Maryland state patrolmen off the road (literally).  With lights flashing we pulled over only to have a two foot long and very bright flashlight pointed in my wife’s direction.  I will never forget the troopers first words, “Ma’am, do you trust driving with this… (uncomfortable pause here)…man?”

What would my new bride of one year say in answer to this question?  He might as well have been asking, “Ma’am, do you trust anything this moron does or says?”  We were newlyweds, still adjusting, still learning the idiosyncrasies of each other and establishing our trust levels.  The question this intimidating officer of the law imposed was deeper than my driving skills.  What would she say?  How would she respond as I sat in my car shaking with fear?  Mary looked at me, then looked at him and said, “Yes sir, I do.”  “Get out of the car!” were his first words to me.

After walking the white line, touching my finger to my nose with my eyes closed hearing this man’s angry words over and over, sitting in the back seat of his well equipped cruiser and a hefty ticket forthcoming, I was a happy, happy man.  My wife, my best friend said she trusted me even after almost killing her in a head on collision.

Standard
Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage

God Devises Ways to Reach the Estranged

It is fascinating how that God loves the estranged, the banished, the marginalized and the poor.  His heart is after the one who is not after His.  So many times we hear a story of how God directly intervened in a life that was desperate and without hope.  Personally, I love those stories because they build faith for the many persons we know who are in need of that personal encounter.

There is this fantastic scripture found in II Samuel 14:14 that says, “But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.”  Don’t you just love that?  Can’t you see your Father in heaven “devising ways?”  Perhaps you’re a part of one of those “ways” in someone’s life today.  God just might be speaking to you or opening an encounter for you so that an estranged one is touched by Him.  This past weekend we met a couple who are praying for an estranged loved one to make his way back to the Savior.  Maybe you’re the one to encounter him?

Standard
Leadership, Marriage

Humility

Did you ever sing that chorus, It’s All About Me?  It goes something like this:  It’s all about me, Jesus, it’s not about You…  Joking of course, but there are times I feel as though I am singing it from my flesh – my need.  It is anything but a humble cry.  But it is a cry of the soul in our me centered world and it’s easy to get caught up in it myself.  Rick Warren said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”  I like the balance of that statement.  Charles Spurgeon once said, “Humility is to make a right estimate of one’s self.”  So how do you balance those quotes with this one, “Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth?”  (Numbers 12:3)  Do you know who God used to write those words?  Moses himself.

Someone once said that humility is like underwear, essential, but indecent if it shows.  Benjamin Franklin  spoke about humility when he said, “A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.”  Jesus said, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”  (Matthew 23:12)  Humility does not come by taking a class on the subject or by listening to a sufficient number of sermons on the topic.  It does come, however, by difficult life experiences.  It comes when we are tempted to walk in selfish ambition or speak of ourselves in prideful ways.  It comes when someone reminds us of a fault and we have to take ownership for that fault, swallow our pride and ask for forgiveness.  Humility comes from wisdom Proverbs tells us (Proverbs 11:2), and wisdom comes from “the fear of the Lord.”  (Proverbs 15:33a)

Perhaps Benjamin Franklin was right when he said, “Humility makes great men twice honorable.”   (Proverbs 15:33b states, “…humility comes before honor.”)

Standard
Leadership, Marriage, Singles

Jesus, a Man’s Man?

Twenty five men from Washington DC gathered together this past weekend at a retreat center in the mountains of Maryland.  Annually they separate from their jobs, their families, their local church and their everyday normal life to learn, to play, to stay up late watching college football, and to not shave.  One of the topics discussed was about Jesus, the Son of God, a man’s man.  This is what we discovered:

He is powerful – Mark 5:30; 11:12-14, 20-25

He commands respect – Mark 1:16-20. 27; 15:5

He’s in control – Mark 6:50

He stands up to and does not run from confrontation – Mark 2:23-28; 3:22-30; 11:27-33

He knows how to take a beating – Mark 15:19-20

He understands His mission and purpose and will not be sidetracked – Mark 8:31-34; 9:30-32; 10:33-34

He is compassionate – Mark 6:34; 10:15-16

Masculinity is under attack in our culture today.  John Piper calls masculinity a sense of “benevolent responsibility” to lead, protect and provide for women.  Author Stu Webber wrote, “The measure of a man is the spiritual and emotional health of his family…a vision for strong sons and confident daughters.  Without that vision and leadership, a family struggles, gropes and may lose its way.”

As a man, Jesus knew who He was and clearly stated, “This is who I am; this is where I came from; this is what I do; and this is where I am going.” (John 8: 12-18, 23-30) Jesus was an initiator because initiation is the bottom line of masculinity.  It means leading to provide, to mentor, to father, to befriend, to apologize, to develop, to invent, to love and to take responsibility with tender, but masculine authority.

We could hear Jesus asking, “Are you willing to follow the One who created the masculine soul?”

Standard
Leadership, Marriage, Prayer, Small Groups, Training

“God Told Me…”

“But I know I heard God on this.”  “The Holy Spirit revealed to me…”  “God spoke to me.”  You and I have heard those words many times and perhaps said them ourselves.  But what happens when the person saying them is going directly against the word of God or you know their “hearing” is based more upon emotional desire than true insight from God?  Stay with me here.  I am not saying God does not speak today because I know He does.  It is just that we find difficulty in refuting the phrases listed above.  I mean, how do you come against or in direct conflict with the words, “I know I heard God on this?”  It would seem impossible, but then the person could be left with some disastrous outcomes.

Let me give you a few pointers to offer such persons speaking so matter of fact.  First, have they ever been wrong?  I mean, have they ever missed God or have they been 100% correct all the time in hearing from God?  Second, what are their overseers saying on the subject?  Have they found any wisdom in a multitude of counselors?  Are these counselors cautioning them and are they listening to those cautions?  And third, could God change it up even if they did hear Him correctly and they are in the midst of obeying that voice?  Abraham is an example of what I am referring to.  In Genesis 22, Abraham heard the voice of God instruct him to take his son, Isaac, up the mountain to sacrifice him.  Abraham gathers his supplies the next morning along with his son and set out to the place God told him to go.  He bound his son, took out his knife, raised his arms and all of a sudden heard a voice from heaven saying, “Abraham, Abraham…do not lay a hand on the boy.”  What if Abraham insisted on following God’s voice from the first command and resisted the second voice?

Don’t get stuck, cornered, or manipulated by others even when they are confident in their hearing.  We can bring an appropriate challenge to those who use these phrases.  In the end, they are responsible to properly discern in their hearing, but we do not have to always agree.  When we use these phrases, let’s be sure it is God and continue listening because He may change it up.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #21

This is the twenty-first and the final in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  It is a list of questions that I have compiled over time from those who were involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships.  Be totally honest with yourself and record your answers.

21. Do I love and respect myself enough to say “yes” to healthy relationships and “no” to unhealthy relationships?  The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

Do I keep finding similar unhealthy patterns in my dating relationships?

Do I try to “fix” those I date?

Do I cling on to those who I date, causing them to feel smothered?

Do I feel valued for who I am within my opposite sex relationships?

What makes this a safe or unsafe relationship?

How is conflict resolved within this relationship?

Do I feel this person really listens to me with respect?

Is there any power struggle within this relationship?

Who is the leader?

Am I 100% honest with this person, why or why not?

Do I feel like a better, more valuable person around this relationship?

Is my unique and individual identity in tact when I am with this person or do I feel that I need to be someone else?

Do I feel pressure to do or say things I am not comfortable with?

Is sexual activity a part of this relationship or do I feel pushed in that direction?

Am I being asked to quit something I enjoy or pull away from any of my same-sex friends?

Am I growing and being challenged in a positive way through this relationship?

Do I feel accepted unconditionally?

Do I have the freedom to think and feel differently than the one I am dating?

Do I feel any form of manipulation in this relationship and if so, why?

Is my spiritual walk encouraged and enhanced by this person?

Do I like who I am when I spend time with this person?

How is this relationship encouraging me to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals?

 

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #20

This is the twentieth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

20. Can this person forgive and release?  Does this person get offended quickly?  Does he/she hold grudges?  Does conflict help him/her to grow and become better or bitter?  Does he/she avoid others, grow quiet or become angry when those relationships present challenges or confrontation?  (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32)

Do you know the six most challenging, most difficult words to say in a committed relationship like engagement and marriage?  Those six words are, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”  Ask any of your friends that are married how easy those words come.  Ask long-term married persons if they are over their pride so that those six words roll off of their tongue quite easily.  Why are they so tough to speak when we can apologize so quickly to the stranger on the street?  Why are we so full of pride when it comes to admitting that we could be wrong around those we love the most?  That’s just it…those we love the most.  We have the most invested in those relationships.  We just don’t want to disappoint those persons who are closest to us, who really know who we are.  We don’t want to be wrong around them because we don’t want to fail them.  We make it a “right” and a “wrong” issue when it is really an issue of being able to humble ourselves and admit that we do not know it all, we are not always right and we do not always have the best of intentions.  Sometimes we are purely selfish and that is hard to face.

Maturity brings with it a spirit of humility and an ability to quickly ask for forgiveness, as well as, forgiving others.  It is a choice we make.  God is using those persons around you to build Himself in you so that we can also say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”   (Luke 23:34)

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #19

This is the nineteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

19. How does this person view finances and is he/she a good steward of personal wealth?  (Continued)  How did your family of origin handle finances?  Were the bills paid on time?  Did your parents incur a lot of debt?  Were your parents generous with their money and incorporate a spirit of giving or were they always “tight” with their finances?  Did they argue a lot or agree on the use of money?  (Ecclesiastes 5:10; Matthew 6:24; I Peter 5:2; Luke 19: 11-27)

Our family of origin helps to mold and to shape who we are.  As you look back at your family and how they viewed money, do you see any personal connections as to how you view money?  Most likely you see some positives and some negatives.  If your family seemed to always struggle with money, your natural reaction will be to look for security from a prospective partner, not wanting them to take unnecessary financial risks.  If your family tithed and helped the less fortunate, you will have a completely different perspective about the use of money.

Agreement in the use of money is far more powerful (not to mention life-giving to marriage) than disagreement.  When we agree on the use of our money, it releases the blessing of unity.  This is illustrated in Luke chapter 19 in the parable of the ten Minas.  The servants were told by their master to “put this money to work…”  Later the master returned …”to find out  what they had gained…”  The trustworthy ones did in fact invest the money and realized a gain and were given greater responsibility and authority.  They reaped what they sowed.  The servant who responded in fear, gained nothing and what he had, was given to the one who gained the most because he acted the most trustworthy.

Is Jesus Lord of your finances?  Does He own it all?  Are you a trustworthy servant?  Do you walk free of the love of money?  Before you merge two incomes into one, search God’s word and gain His perspective on finances.  It will save you a lot of heart ache.

 

Standard
Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #18

This is the eighteenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

18. How does this person view finances and is he/she a good steward of personal wealth?  What are this person’s financial values?  Does he/she pay bills on time?  Has this person incurred debt, and if so, what kind of debt is it (e.g., college loans, mortgage or car payments, credit card or consumer debt)?  Does this person value saving and giving?  What is his/her view of credit card usage?   ((Deuteronomy 8:17, 18; Proverbs 11:24, 25, 28; 13:22; 22:1,4,7)

When my wife and I take a couple through premarital and postmarital they must complete a budget sheet that looks at twelve months worth of income and expenses.  Over the course of a year, we get a much more complete picture of our finances and our financial values.  Can you guess what the outcome is?  Most couples are spending more than they take in before they say “I do.”  While our government can seem to do that, we cannot.  What we’re really talking about is financial values…do we share the same values when it comes to saving, spending and earning?  If I look at your credit card statement or bank account, I would be able to tell what you value financially.  Have you discussed this with the person you are in a relationship with?  So many of life’s marital disagreements end up being about money. 

In the beginning of our marriage, we had financial struggles.  As I saw it, Mary was a “spender” and I was a “saver.”  Of course in my mind, a saver was the better of the two, but I was wrong.  Mary was a giver and I needed to receive and embrace her value of giving.  I was concerned for our future and desired more financial security.  Mary also needed to take steps to adapt to my value so that the differences actually formed a stronger family financial value.  Consequently today, one of our strengths is our financial agreement.

We’ll continue the discussion on finances in the next blog entry…

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #17

This is the seventeenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

17. Does this person handle conflict well?  What is his/her method of handling conflict in life?  Can this person deal with conflict in a healthy manner and effectively work through differences?  Does this person avoid it, ignore it or internalize his/her feelings?  Does he/she get angry and sulk, get loud and verbally abusive or respond physically?  Does this person seek humility or self-justification?  (Proverbs 11:2; 15:1; 22:24; 29:11, 22)

I Corinthians 13: 5 tells us that love is not easily angered and does not keep record of wrongs.  Do you ever find yourself tempted to keep a mental note of those who hurt you?  In NASCAR auto racing they call it “pay backs.”  In other words, you wreck me, be assured sometime when the right opportunity surfaces, I will wreck you.  Social scientists tell us that the number one determining factor of whether or not a marriage will make it is the ability of the couple to properly deal with conflict.  Did you get that?  It is not connected to whether or not you have conflict or how much conflict, but what is your ability to actually work through the conflict.  Two questions to consider: How did your family deal with conflict?  How do you tend to handle conflict? 

Historically, the family I was raised in pretended that the conflict did not happen and we would continue through our day not dealing with it and consequently never find any solution to the issue.  If you can maturely work through a conflict to the point of a satisfactory resolve, you are ahead of the game.  Arguing with ongoing heated words over the “problem” as you see it, will keep you from maturely arriving at a solution.  The next time you find yourself in a conflict, try steering the disagreement toward a solution sooner.  You’ll be amazed at the difference.

Standard