I’ve noticed some things about women and men and their wonderful differences. The women in our lives need to hear from us as men. They need to hear about our lives, our ambitions, our emotions, our issues and they really long to hear our thoughts about them. There is something internal in most women that connects with their spouse’s words, expressions, eye contact, touch and truthfulness about themselves. Women want to hear from their men in order to connect with them. It’s an internal connection and it can be difficult for men who would, more or less, rather have external connections.
Externally we as men connect with jabs, jokes, and manly conversations about work, sports and our hobbies. But women connect internally because they tend to feel more deeply. They long for that inner connection that tells them they are worth opening up to, worth trusting and worth honest, gut level communication. One is not better than the other, but both are necessary. It’s not just that women are more emotional and men are more factual; it’s greater than that. It’s about divine design as both men and women honor the way they are constructed, we actually touch each other in a holy capacity.
When I use the term external, I am not just referring to surface and when I use the term internal, I am not just making reference to emotions. I believe both men and women have the capacity to connect both externally and internally, but it takes time and a patient teacher to connect in a way that we have not naturally gravitated toward. Sometimes our parents miss this and sometimes our culture misrepresents this.
In Genesis chapter one we are told that God created both male and female and it is recorded that we, as men and women, are made in His image, in God’s likeness. Our Creator represents both male and female. He certainly knew what He was doing when He created us as image bearers. He did not miss a thing or forget to add something in order for us to connect. Genesis two records that we are bone of bone and flesh of flesh. We are connected and that connection is God-created. We were meant to work together and we were meant to become a single flesh.
My brain as a man tells me to treat my wife as I would another buddy. But my spirit and my heart tell me that this type of thinking will not actually connect with my life partner. While she is interested in my hobbies and my work, she feels far more connected to me when I open up and talk about the people stories from my workplace. She more intently listens when I reveal that the person I was fishing with told me about his daughter’s eating disorder or life-controlling issue.
I can’t help but realize that our Creator knew this. Our Father in heaven who represents both male and female, as well, knows how these two completely different sexes are attracted to what they need in each other, what they can find in one another. A daughter needs her father’s internal connection with her. She needs a dad to hear her heart, to be willing to wait through the expression of details of conversation and to speak words of honor to her in how she is uniquely created and designed. Yes, she can play ball and connect with those outward, “male” expressions, as long as she is also connecting internally.
A son needs his mom to connect with his abilities in skate boarding, in making his first goal and in writing his first computer code. He feels good about accomplishing something and he longs for the female in his life, his mother, to pat him on the back and give him a “Way to go, son.” Yes, women long to connect internally, but don’t misread these male accomplishments as external only. For these accomplishments are us. Perhaps in our way of connecting, we are making ourselves available for the deeper conversations through our external accomplishments. It has to start somewhere.
Men, the women (spouse and daughters) in your life need you to listen, give input only when requested and be given the opportunity to connect in a deeper sense. They need you to tell them they are beautiful, smart and worth loving. When you give them time, you are saying that you value them for who they are and how they are created. And when you are able to actually open up and connect internally, you will have a woman who feels far more complete and honored.
Women, the men (spouse and sons) in your life need you to recognize their accomplishments, joke with them and bless their outward, external achievements. They need to hear you affirm them and how they do what they do better than anyone you know. As you become their personal cheerleader, you will grab their attention and they will feel respected. And if your man feels your respect, you will experience that inner connection you long for.
I know of scarcely anything more difficult, more challenging and more humbling than expressing forgiveness. But at the same time, I know of scarcely anything more freeing than forgiveness. In the Holocaust documentary titled Shoah, a Warsaw ghetto victim states, “If you could lick my heart, it would poison you.” Nothing depicts a non-forgiving heart better than that picture. Author Gary Thomas once wrote, “We will be sinned against, and we will be hurt. When that happens, we will have a choice to make: We can give in to our hurt, resentment, and bitterness, or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive.”
Forgiving is not something we naturally love to do. Even though we have been forgiven of so much and have fully come short of God’s ideal, we love to withhold forgiveness simply because (we might tell ourselves) the person has not suffered sufficiently for what they did to us. The truth is, One already suffered so we could be forgiven; we must now make the choice to do likewise (See Colossians 3:13). To do anything less is to take a position of critical judgment, freely giving ourselves over to the use of the evil one in heady, heartless self-righteousness.
Our younger son, following graduation from college, spent seven years traveling the USA in a rock band, recording two albums in Nashville, getting married, having a son himself all the while also working at a local law firm, has recently graduated from Weidner Law School as valedictorian. He has worked so hard and we are so proud of him as any parent would be. But there’s more to the story and it is this ‘more’ part that causes us to be especially proud – his speech delivered at graduation before his classmates, his professors, guest speakers and the many family members gathered there that day.
My son and I were on a fishing outing, enjoying the day of catching trout and cooperative warm spring weather. That is, all except for, one disturbing situation close by us. That situation was a dad with two small (elementary age) children, a boy and a girl. It was just great that he was taking his youngsters fishing and we applaud him for that. But that was the only positive thing we can say about him. What we continually observed was disheartening and troubling and we can only imagine that those two small children would rather not have been by the stream at all. It was painful to watch and difficult to not comment. Never once did those kids laugh or excitedly yell, “I got one,” even though they did catch fish. Here’s why.
I forgive you – three very powerful, but very difficult words to speak. Perhaps even more difficult are the words, “Please forgive me.” Why does it take so long to work up the courage, humble ourselves and put away our pride? Jesus offered this medicine while on the earth when He shared that if we forgive, we will be forgiven. Paul the apostle stated it so succinctly when he wrote it this way, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Nicky Gumbel, the Alpha course 
teacher, once said that the first one to apologize is the bravest one.
For eight years, Mary and I were foster parents of adjudicated teenage boys. Over that eight-year period we fostered 25 different youth. We loved those kids and longed to instill the love of our heavenly Father within them. No state program compared to godly, affirming and accepting foster parents who loved unconditionally. Daniel was with us for over two years, went to Bible College for four years and continued to be in relationship with us until one dreadful day. This is what I learned from loving Dan.
Father’s can’t meet all of their children’s needs. After a failed marriage and many failed same-sex relationships, we received a call that Daniel ended his, all-to-young, 45-year-old life. I wish it could be different, but I am so grateful for what he taught me about life, pain and love without conditions. I know his struggle was real and I just hope he felt real love and acceptance from a temporary foster Dad.
Far too many parents train their children to view mom and dad as having all power over them. We don’t necessarily try this, but somehow it comes across fairly often. For example, have you ever heard a parent say this, “Because I said so?” And then there is this one, “Just do this one more (fill in the blank) and then you can go and play.” Neither of these examples empowers your children; they actually train your child into thinking that you are more powerful and it’s that power they need to resign themselves to. I have news for you; the use of power is often void of relationship. One day that power will be resisted, tested or simply ignored. Where does it lead?
Steve Prokopchak 