Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital

Five Grievous Ways to Tear Apart Your Spouse

article-2186932-147E1BC0000005DC-3_634x286

Since the middle of the month of February has this “holiday” called Valentine’s Day, I thought it appropriate to commit the next few weeks of blog messages to marriage. I hope you enjoy the various subjects and that in some small way they help you or remind you of your marital love and commitment, starting with these five warnings.

1. Speaking belittling words, name calling or utilizing sarcastic phrases that are meant to make our spouse feel inadequate, stupid or have lessor worth. Put-downs are never appreciated and never build relationship. They actually expose how immature we are as a person. They show off our feelings of inadequacy and our need to attempt to elevate ourself.

2. Talking in a tone of voice that conveys the message: “Listen you moron, if I said this once I’ve said it a dozen times — how can you not get this?” This tone is both demeaning and full of ridicule, not to mention it shows a severe lack of respect and honor. It also conveys the deprecating message, “I’m smarter than you.”

3. Making light of something our spouse cannot change. Your spouse cannot change the size of his or her feet or nose. They cannot change the fact that they lost hearing in one ear or have (in spite of how hard they try) kept on a few pounds after pregnancy. There are many things we can take responsibility for and change, but some things are just not possible, so please stop making these areas the brunt of your jokes. Plain and simple, it hurts even when your spouse laughs with you.

4. Correcting your spouse in public with that proverbial parenting voice. A wise couple once told us, “Praise in public, construct in private” and we have never forgotten that wisdom. Some couples/families use public embarrassment in an attempt to correct or silence another. It is dysfunctional and unhealthy to a marriage relationship. You are not one another’s parents; you are life partners looking out for each other’s best interest and good will.

5. Withholding compliments, praise, words of thankfulness and appreciation. By withholding these you think it will cause your mate to work harder in an effort to gain them. It will not. It will discourage them and for some, to the point of giving up. Heap praise, words of affirmation, compliments, and “I love you” words as often and as frequently as you possibly can. Withholding words of affirmation does not motivate, but readily and often speaking compliments and saying “thank you” will motivate.

Let’s get started operating in the complete opposite of the five grievous ways and always, always remember: You and your spouse are one. That means, whatever you are speaking about your spouse you are also speaking about yourself.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage V

images-39. Thou Shalt Be Engaged in Mission Together
What was the wisdom of God in bringing the two of you together? What were/are the redemptive purposes for this marriage relationship? These questions should lead you to what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely your work place or local church place has a mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created have a mission? Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams and visions for the future. This paragraph might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

images10. Thou Shalt Practice the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage
The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit and a letting go of your ego. The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal purposes in the relationship. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them and speak them they will be a lifetime of wisdom. What are the nine most important words in marriage?
I am sorry; I was wrong, please forgive me.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage IV

And two more marriage commandments…

7.  Thou Shalt Change Yourself First Change.  Very few people even like the word. It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up or surrender to the will of another. Or, our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change and that’s what I’m really after.” It doesn’t work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. Otherwise, in the end, we will resent the one requiring change from us. Growing up, growing closer as a couple and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change.article-2186932-147E1BC0000005DC-3_634x286

 8.  Thou Shalt Ask God Rather Than Fight  Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it’s connected to prayer, but not at first. All too frequently, early on in marriage, we ‘know’ that we’re right. And, if we’re right our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one. If we’re one in spirit then it’s no longer you against me, but us. In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are losing. James chapter four and verse one begins by asking a question. That amazing question is, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” Fortunately, James provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God.” Is it really that simple? The choice is ours, fighting and arguing or praying and agreement.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage III

Continuing with the theme of the Ten Commandments of marriage:

5. Thou Shalt Honor One Another

Honor one another…now that’s a tough one. Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give them your time, to prioritize your mate over yourself, your work and your children.   Honor is saying that next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with our actions, as well as, our respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor.  If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground meaningless. In honor we pray for and with our mate regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will actually build more honor, admiration and affirmation into your relationship.images

6. Thou Shalt Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for woman. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor…well, it’s just sex. And sex without relationship is lust. God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has made sex into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment? There is only one answer and so it seems reasonable that maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (I Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Lastly, life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage II

We’ve started a series on the ten commandments of marriage and today we consider numbers three and four.

3. Thou Shalt Love Her or Him and Make Them Holy

images-2Did you know that you could help make your spouse holy? Yep, it’s all right there in the Scripture. I Corinthians seven says that a believing spouse can sanctify an unbelieving one. You can only imagine how a believing spouse can bless, sanctify and edify their believing spouse. When we become our spouses cheer leader, even when they feel as though they are losing the game, we help build them up to increase their faith for a better future. Far too many individuals see themselves as their spouse’s critic and it is killing their emotional connection. Criticism does not motivate, love does. We are called to speak the truth in a love-filled manner with our speech full of grace. Because of who the Proverbs 31 woman was, her husband found himself sitting at the gate, a respected elder. As you reflect God to one other you will build holiness in one another.

4. Thou Shalt Play Togetherimages-3

Can you remember all the fun things you thought of and once did while dating? Are you still laughing together, really laughing? Marriage has to be fun. If it was not meant to be fun, then God would not have created it. What has happened with humor in your relationship? Where did it go since children came along or all the medical bills came due? Boredom is simply unacceptable within marriage. If we can predict a daily routine, then we have lost spontaneity and excitement. We have allowed tedium, dullness and monotony to set in. Break that cycle by bringing home flowers, sending a card to your spouse’s work place, turning the stove off and running out for Chinese or playing a game that is not too competitive. Rent one of your favorite funny movies and laugh again. Regularly search for, listen for and check the Internet for local happenings that you can attend together and have fun again. Recently, we attended a local “bridge bust” and then laughed the whole way home about how it truly was a “bust.”  Finally, make a list of fun and creative things to do together and prioritize them, you’ll never regret it.  Proverbs reminds us that a merry heart has medicinal purposes, so make fun a priority.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Starting this week, I am going to create a series of blogs that I am calling The Ten Commandments of Marriage.  I hope you enjoy them and will share them with others.images-6

1. Thou Shalt Love God Above All Else

To love your spouse, your children or yourself above God is simply wrong. Jesus said we were to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and then love our neighbor as our self. Your closest neighbor is your spouse, but love them next to God. Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? That means, in order to be able to love another so deeply we must be able to know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse. Ephesians says it this way, “…no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” You cannot hate yourself, while at the same time, claim to love your mate. You are one.

2. Thou Shalt Not be Self-consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition is being filled with immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than anything. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your greater good, not walking in humility, interested only in yourself and, lastly, being filled with vain conceit (Philippians 2:3,4) We are strictly commanded to be like Christ who became a servant and even though He was God, never considered equality with God by giving up His divine privileges (NLT). Are you serving and looking for ways to serve your spouse on a daily basis? There is no 50/50 deal in marriage; it is a one hundred percent devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we actually are and can either destroy our relationship or expose our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met, but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

Standard
Marriage, Postmarital

More Ways to Love our Spouse

It seems a lot of people like receiving ideas of how to maintain our love, spontaneity and keeping boredom at bay in our marriages. So, here are a few more ideas generated from our book pre- and postmarital workbook, Called Together.images-5

 

  1. Work at being on time for one another and call if you’ll be late
  2. Make plans together, check your calendar often
  3. Ask each other’s advice with issues, drawing upon your spouse’s wisdom
  4. Discuss purchases before purchasing
  5. Be thankful and express thanks often
  6. Work on life changes, taking responsibility for your faults
  7. Share your dreams and insights with one another often
  8. Ask for creative ways that you can please one another
  9. Plan a mini-moon…just the two of you
  10. Express your attraction to one another especially when noticing a new outfit
  11. Be reasonably happy to go shopping for that new outfit
  12. Relate your work day with her/him frequently
  13. Reminisce about your early days of engagement or marriage
  14. Express appreciation for one anther’s families and parents
  15. Go for ice-cream
  16. Show appreciation when supporting each other’s decisions
  17. Buy cards and/or little gifts to say, “I love you and was thinking about you.”
  18. Remember anniversaries and birthdays
  19. Watch a TV program that your spouse enjoys together
  20. Keep active the six most important words in marriage, “I am sorry, I was wrong” and consider making it nine – “Please forgive me.”
Standard
Marriage, Postmarital, Uncategorized

And Even More Ways to Love your Spouse

I hope you are generating your own ideas by now. If not, here are 20 more ways to love your spouse. (Forwarding this today as next weeks post.)

images-6

  1. Be open and cooperative when your partner desires to have sexual relations
  2. Run errands gladly
  3. Make a fuss over one another and touch frequently
  4. Never withhold the truth from each other – no secrets
  5. Go for a walk and find more alone times
  6. Stay up past your bedtime to solve issues
  7. Get up in the middle of the night to care for the children
  8. Frequently help and serve one another
  9. Establish a family budget together with a spending allowance for yourselves
  10. Do a Bible study together or read a book together
  11. Help your spouse with hospitality
  12. Take care of the children for a few hours so your spouse can have some alone time
  13. Be polite to one another
  14. Do a retreat weekend together and evaluate, as well as, setting goals for the future
  15. Develop mutual friendships
  16. Care for one another when not feeling well
  17. Do not nit-pick and find fault or expect perfection
  18. Tease and flirt with each other
  19. Watch out for and be mindful of how much time you waste, e.g., TV, personal recreation
  20. Play together
Standard
Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Ways to Love our Spouse

For the next several blog posts I would like to take some time and share with you various ways that you can incorporate aspects of loving your spouse in your marriage or your marriage to be. Too often we simply walk through life and allow it to just pass us by, one day waking up to the fact that our marriage has become boring and predictable. Rarely is engagement boring and predictable and I believe marriage can continue to be spontaneous and fun. So, here you go…images-8

 

  1. Frequently tell each other that you still love one another
  2. Pray together and lead family devotions together
  3. Do some things spontaneously and zany
  4. Share household chores and get them done sooner
  5. Set a regular date night
  6. Do the “fix-it” jobs around the house, not letting them pile up
  7. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss several times a day
  8. Provide a lingering hug often
  9. Hold hands often, e.g., in the car, under the table, at churchimages-5
  10. Listen to one another without counseling one another
  11. Sit close as often as you can
  12. Rub one another’s back
  13. Take time to look good for one another and wear each other’s favorite cologne or perfume
  14. Write love notes often – send text messages and email to one another
  15. Thank one another for the mundane household tasks accomplished daily
  16. Surprise one another by serving each other in some special way
  17. Always talk about one another favorably in public and to your children
  18. Brag about one another among friends and acquaintances, letting them know how proud you are of him/her
  19. Attend fellowship together and have a church family to challenge your marriage and family
  20. Maintain your own spiritual walk with God
Standard
Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Wives Hurt their Husbands

nagging-wife-screamingRecently I sat with a husband and wife who are in a long-term marriage. I couldn’t help but notice how he constantly looked to her for her nonverbal approval as he spoke or how nervous he was to say things that he thought his wife may take issue with. It was painfully obvious who was silently controlling the conversation and perhaps even controlling the marriage. Last week we talked about ways a man hurts his wife. Far too often we miss speaking of the ways in which a wife may be hurting her husband. The following are some observations for the ladies and a reminder of ways to affirm that man of God in your life.

She fails to thank him for the small and the large things he does daily.

She forgets to affirm him as a man, showing him respect.

She takes his love for granted.

She fails to enter into his world and do some things with him that he would really enjoy.

She puts off the sexual needs of her husband for her own convenience.

She corrects him publicly.

She fails to pray for and with him consistently.

She tries to be his coach or mother rather than his teammate, at times forfeiting his leadership in the home.

She puts him down in front of the children.

She forgets to touch him, hold his hand and be affectionate.

She forgets to ask him how he is really doing.

She fails to tell him how handsome he is to her and why she is attracted to him.

She forgets to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”

She holds on to a hurt in order to make him “pay.”

She controls most conversation or interrupts him when he stumbles with his thoughts or his response.

… And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33b)

Standard