Recently I sat with a husband and wife who are in a long-term marriage. I couldn’t help but notice how he constantly looked to her for her nonverbal approval as he spoke or how nervous he was to say things that he thought his wife may take issue with. It was painfully obvious who was silently controlling the conversation and perhaps even controlling the marriage. Last week we talked about ways a man hurts his wife. Far too often we miss speaking of the ways in which a wife may be hurting her husband. The following are some observations for the ladies and a reminder of ways to affirm that man of God in your life.

She fails to thank him for the small and the large things he does daily.

She forgets to affirm him as a man, showing him respect.

She takes his love for granted.

She fails to enter into his world and do some things with him that he would really enjoy.

She puts off the sexual needs of her husband for her own convenience.

She corrects him publicly.

She fails to pray for and with him consistently.

She tries to be his coach or mother rather than his teammate, at times forfeiting his leadership in the home.

She puts him down in front of the children.

She forgets to touch him, hold his hand and be affectionate.

She forgets to ask him how he is really doing.

She fails to tell him how handsome he is to her and why she is attracted to him.

She forgets to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”

She holds on to a hurt in order to make him “pay.”

She controls most conversation or interrupts him when he stumbles with his thoughts or his response.

… And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33b)

Mary and I really look forward to this time every year because we feel as though we connect in the spiritual realm, the emotional realm and in the practical stuff of life realm.  We leave this weekend having a greater sense of oneness, direction and knowledge toward the year ahead of us.  Thus far we have covered prayer and finances.  Today, let’s take a look at employment, schedules and vision.

Employment:  Review and evaluate your year of employment.  Are you still called to this job or business?  Are you meeting your financial obligations through this employment?  Is there a possible change within this area of employment?  Are there possible changes to your employment?  What are your employment dreams?  We often ask ourselves this question, “If we could do anything that we desire to do without thought of finances, what would it be?”  Is there a side business you have or are interested in creating?  In all of this we are attempting to discover if our heart is still in our employment or if God is calling us to some kind of change.

Schedules:  Review your activity level from the past year.  Were you gone from home too often with employment or hobbies?  Did you enjoy a sufficient number of dates with each other and your children?  Did you have weekends away?  Did your family take a vacation?  Assess children’s activities and their schedules.  Share your anticipated schedules for the coming year.  Project time away together and family vacation.  Project this evaluation time for next year.

Vision:  Review any written or verbalized goals from the previous year.  Review your marriage mission statement and make any necessary changes.  Review any scriptures that you had recorded from the past year.  Write your new goals and vision (spiritual, financial, social, emotional and physical).  Finalize this time by dreaming ahead.  Pray and record what you see and allow your mate the freedom to project into the future because…”faith is the substance of things hoped for.”  We strongly feel this time can radically change the atmosphere of your marriage.  Take us up on this challenge and schedule it now.  You’ll be glad you did!

In part two of taking your marriage on a retreat we want to consider finances.  Because we have laid down a foundation of prayer for this time, it will be easier to talk about money and financial decisions.  The use of finances is something that most couples struggle with and for many it is their most difficult area to find agreement.  That’s because we often come into marriage with differing financial values.  For example I was a “saver” and Mary was a “spender.”  In an earlier blog I wrote about how those were actually gifts once we began to appreciate and discover what the other person’s way of thinking brought into the marriage.  But for the sake of this weekend, we want to first review our prior year financially, give God thanks and then move on to the coming year in order to make necessary changes.  Below, I have encapsulated our process for this time.

Take time to review your budget from the prior year.  Where was your budget accurate and where did it miss the mark?  Review each of your accounts, checking and savings.  Review your giving, e.g., tithe, missions, first fruits and offerings.  Review your investments, e.g., life insurance, money market, IRA’s, etc.  Review your debt and your plan to be clear of debt.  Are you in agreement with your spending, credit card charges and purchases?  Are you in agreement with your saving, life investments and giving?  Are you meeting your financial goals in all the above areas?

After evaluation turn toward the future:  What are our future financial goals?  What are we saving toward?  How are we handling our children’s higher education?  When do we update our vehicle?  What projects do we need to consider in our home in order to address ongoing maintenance and improvements?  In other words, what is our financial plan?  Most couples do not incorporate a budget or a financial plan.  It is an extremely helpful way to be in agreement and to reach those financial goals.

Why do all this?  Proverbs 3:9 tells us to honor the Lord with our wealth.  I truly believe and have experienced God’s blessing when we are operating in financial oneness.