Category Archives: Postmarital

Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Husbands Hurt Their Wives

IMG_0605Driving home from my office one winter day I heard the question, “When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry?” I couldn’t remember. There are those many mundane jobs that we as husband and wife accomplish on a daily basis and simply forget to be appreciative of one another’s servant heart. We each need that voice of affirmation from our spouse routinely. While it’s nice to receive a complement from a stranger, it’s far more significant to have your spouse speak or act in a way that simply blesses us. The following are examples of some of the failures that we make as husbands when we all too often take our wives for granted. See if you can identify with any of them and/or perhaps add to the list.  (The picture in this blog is Harold and Betty, my in-laws who are age 93 and 92, married for 74 years still loving Jesus and one another.)

 

 

He fails to thank his wife for all the daily mundane duties she accomplishes in the home without complaint.

He forgets to tell her how amazing and beautiful she really is to him.

He speaks more negative words than he does positive, encouraging and affirming words.

He fails to initiate praying for her and with her.

He puts her down publicly.

He doesn’t hold her hand or be affectionate with her outside times of intimacy.

He often fails to take the time to just listen to her.

He forgets to date her or date nights are too infrequent.

He puts off regular maintenance around the home or fails to help her with inside duties.

He complains about her spending rather than thanking her for spending wisely.

He speaks down to her, insinuating she is clueless.

He fails to accept her as she is without suggesting improvement.

He fails to consistently remember important calendar dates throughout the year.

He does not take responsibility and apologize for his mistakes, as well as, to be forgiving when his spouse apologizes to him.

He stops trying to win her with small gifts for no reason.

…. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28b)

 

 

 

 

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Marriage, Postmarital

Steps to Taking Your Marriage on an Annual Marriage Evaluation and Vision Retreat III

 

Mary and I really look forward to this time every year because we feel as though we connect in the spiritual realm, the emotional realm and in the practical stuff of life realm.  We leave this weekend having a greater sense of oneness, direction and knowledge toward the year ahead of us.  Thus far we have covered prayer and finances.  Today, let’s take a look at employment, schedules and vision.

Employment:  Review and evaluate your year of employment.  Are you still called to this job or business?  Are you meeting your financial obligations through this employment?  Is there a possible change within this area of employment?  Are there possible changes to your employment?  What are your employment dreams?  We often ask ourselves this question, “If we could do anything that we desire to do without thought of finances, what would it be?”  Is there a side business you have or are interested in creating?  In all of this we are attempting to discover if our heart is still in our employment or if God is calling us to some kind of change.

Schedules:  Review your activity level from the past year.  Were you gone from home too often with employment or hobbies?  Did you enjoy a sufficient number of dates with each other and your children?  Did you have weekends away?  Did your family take a vacation?  Assess children’s activities and their schedules.  Share your anticipated schedules for the coming year.  Project time away together and family vacation.  Project this evaluation time for next year.

Vision:  Review any written or verbalized goals from the previous year.  Review your marriage mission statement and make any necessary changes.  Review any scriptures that you had recorded from the past year.  Write your new goals and vision (spiritual, financial, social, emotional and physical).  Finalize this time by dreaming ahead.  Pray and record what you see and allow your mate the freedom to project into the future because…”faith is the substance of things hoped for.”  We strongly feel this time can radically change the atmosphere of your marriage.  Take us up on this challenge and schedule it now.  You’ll be glad you did!

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Marriage, Postmarital

Steps to Taking Your Marriage on an Annual Marriage Evaluation and Vision Retreat II

In part two of taking your marriage on a retreat we want to consider finances.  Because we have laid down a foundation of prayer for this time, it will be easier to talk about money and financial decisions.  The use of finances is something that most couples struggle with and for many it is their most difficult area to find agreement.  That’s because we often come into marriage with differing financial values.  For example I was a “saver” and Mary was a “spender.”  In an earlier blog I wrote about how those were actually gifts once we began to appreciate and discover what the other person’s way of thinking brought into the marriage.  But for the sake of this weekend, we want to first review our prior year financially, give God thanks and then move on to the coming year in order to make necessary changes.  Below, I have encapsulated our process for this time.

Take time to review your budget from the prior year.  Where was your budget accurate and where did it miss the mark?  Review each of your accounts, checking and savings.  Review your giving, e.g., tithe, missions, first fruits and offerings.  Review your investments, e.g., life insurance, money market, IRA’s, etc.  Review your debt and your plan to be clear of debt.  Are you in agreement with your spending, credit card charges and purchases?  Are you in agreement with your saving, life investments and giving?  Are you meeting your financial goals in all the above areas?

After evaluation turn toward the future:  What are our future financial goals?  What are we saving toward?  How are we handling our children’s higher education?  When do we update our vehicle?  What projects do we need to consider in our home in order to address ongoing maintenance and improvements?  In other words, what is our financial plan?  Most couples do not incorporate a budget or a financial plan.  It is an extremely helpful way to be in agreement and to reach those financial goals.

Why do all this?  Proverbs 3:9 tells us to honor the Lord with our wealth.  I truly believe and have experienced God’s blessing when we are operating in financial oneness.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer

Steps to Taking Your Marriage on an Annual Marriage Evaluation and Vision Retreat

You have most likely attended a woman’s retreat or a men’s retreat in your lifetime.  Have you and your spouse considered a personal marriage retreat for the purpose of evaluating the past year and then praying about vision for the forthcoming year?  My wife and I have been doing this for many years and find it to be one of the most helpful annual connections we do together.  It gets us on the same page.  We communicate thoroughly.  We take a hard look at what was and evaluate where we are.  We keep the excitement factor up by looking ahead toward the future.  In the next several weeks, we desire to share with you our process of how we do this.

I book a hotel room for 24 hours.  Yes, we get away from the normal setting because it’s conducive to what we desire to accomplish without the typical interruptions.   We check in as early as we can and begin to settle into evaluating our year after we dedicate our time to the Lord in prayer.  The first thing we do is to connect through prayer.  (We will look at other areas of this time in the coming weeks.)

Praying together as a couple is a key to this time.

Start by giving thanks for God’s provision and protection from this past year.

Pray about this time together concerning this retreat, specifically that you will hear the voice of your heavenly Father.

Pray over your marriage, your family, your employment, your finances; pray about everything and anything.

Give God praise for the positive and the not so positive.  Praise is a key factor to keep our heart attitude correct and open to this time.

Assess your prayer lives together as a couple and as a family.  Are we connecting sufficiently through the discipline of prayer as a couple?

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Finding Our Co-mission as a Couple

This past weekend, Mary and I had the privilege of installing a godly couple into the position of lead pastors at a church in Massachusetts.  As little as a year ago, they might not have seen themselves in this position, but that’s the “amazing race” our Father can have us on if we are listening to Him.  They are so excited to see what God will bring about through their leadership together.  Up to this point, they have served in numerous roles within this same local church for many years in whatever area of service they could.  Imagine if they would have refused serving in a co-mission capacity along the way.  Would they have been given the greater responsibility now before them?  As we are faithful in little…

Marriage is a oneness that trumps personal selfishness.  Agreement in our mission together is vital to a long-term, successful and fulfilling marriage.  While I am not called to everything my wife is, we have found specific areas where we serve together in our co-mission.  We have written those areas down in our “marriage mission statement.”  And for 2014, this past weekend was a part of fulfilling our mission together.  How about you and your spouse?  Do you have a written marriage mission statement?  It may help you to discover the reason(s) you are married.  Next week we will look at how to build your very own personal marriage mission statement.  Until then, begin making a list of all the things you are presently involved in as a couple.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Uncategorized

Marriage, It’s a Team Effort

God loves teams.  The very first team was the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   Adam and Eve were created to be a team of two and then as children were born, a family team.  God encouraged teams to help Moses of tens, hundreds and thousands.  Jesus had a team of twelve and an even closer team of three.  Many of us love team sports.  Teams work together for a common goal through common values, common methods and a common plan.

When a team begins to fight with or pick on one another, they defeat themselves.   Something I call the Terrell Owens Syndrome is when a team member begins to see himself as more valuable than his teammates.  These types of thoughts eventually lead him to feeling superior by thinking the team needs him, but he doesn’t need the team.  Team members watch each other’s backs. (Think Michael Oher when he was learning the game of football portrayed in the movie Blind Side.)   All teams have their internal differences, but they cannot hold on to these or use them against team members or they will eventually defeat themselves.

If your marriage were a professional doubles tennis team, what would need to change in order for you to be in sync on the court?  If you were a professional dance team, how would you anticipate your partner’s next move in order to move with him?  Surely two minds are better than one and couples who have successfully incorporated common values, methods and plans will realize a greater sense of team.

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Marriage, Mission Report, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Addis Ababa and Other Such Places (Part II)

Once landing in Kampala, Uganda it was an amazing time of ministry to children, teens, a local DOVE International church, leaders and couples.  These precious people are both hungry for more of God’s principles, as well as, an encouragement in areas of prayer and faith-filled living.  The Ugandan’s are an industrious people who seem to be working from daylight to after dark alongside a small kerosene lantern in order to provide for their families.  There are literally thousands of little stands selling shoes, meat, handmade furniture, jewelry, etc.  They are not dependent on others for their survival and I never heard them complain about life circumstances.  I was privileged to be spending a week with them.

After hearing a teaching on biblical submission, one precious woman of God commented, “This is so freeing to us as woman and so encouraging for our husbands.”  When I gave the overnight homework assignment of writing their own couple mission statement for their marriages, they returned the next morning with excitement to share their paragraphs.  It was as if new life was breathed into their marriage relationship.  One young pastor asked, “But what do I do if my wife will not agree to my vision?”  I then challenged the personal pronoun of the word “I” and the possessive word of “my” and asked them to think in terms of “our.”  How simple and yet so radically different for him when thinking about future vision with his life partner who he is one with.

Do you have a marriage mission statement for your marriage?  It may just change the way you see submission, which literally means to come under the mission.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Prayer, Premarital

Couples Can Fight and Argue or Pray and Agree

Early in our marriage, Mary and I came to a bit of a revelation, but not without a challenge at first  We could choose to fight and argue or we could pray and agree together.  Disagreement is powerful and even of use at times, but even more powerful is agreement.  The scriptures tell us that if any two persons will agree together in prayer they will receive what they are asking for.  Our major disagreements centered on the fact that Mary was a “spender” and I was a  “saver” when it came to our view of finances.  Those two different priorities would often clash.  Both views had their positives and both had their negatives.  Serving in missions at the time meant that we had very few resources, but truthfully we can fight and argue when we have a lot of money, as well as, very little money.  We had to move beyond who was right or who was wrong to prayer and asking God for His direction, discernment and provision.

At that time, we had lots of needs with two small children and it was necessary to come to the place that regardless of income level, the most important priority was to move forward in agreement.  We discovered that as we sought the Lord first, He enabled us to see our partner’s view more quickly.  He helped us to move toward wanting to bless the other rather than withhold and remain selfish.  He helped us to see that our use of the terms “spender” and “saver” were terms of judgment and became negative to us.  Rather, He gave us new language.  Mary was actually a “giver” and I was a “planner “for future needs.  As we began to pray and agree over our financial needs, we found a place of power.  With fewer arguments or the fear of disagreement, it was much easier to work on a realistic budget and to stick to it.  If you find yourself fighting and arguing more than praying and agreeing, try taking your request to God first and see how He can help you to find the power of agreement.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Blindness is Temporary; Love is Forever

This past weekend I had the privilege of hanging out with a very special couple.  The wife, due to diabetes complications, is now completely blind.  She retired a year ago from public school teaching and then her husband followed her into retirement this past January, partly to care for her.  Presently both of them work tirelessly at a local church serving as elders.  This special woman of God does not complain, has not become angry at God or doctors and continues to show a servant’s heart in all she does.  This special man of God, a long-term, committed husband, is spending much of his daily time serving and practically caring for his wife.  So naturally, my wife and I were inquisitive and wondering how life is for them these days.  We had to ask some questions.

After a few questions, while they were holding hands, the wife replied, “We’re closer than ever.”  She then said, “This has not stopped our love for one another and we care about each other even more.”  “Sometimes he [her husband] forgets me at the restaurant when he goes to pay the bill, so I just sit there and wait until he returns, he apologizes and then he leads me out to the car.”  They both laugh out loud when recounting their repeated story.  The wife shared that her physical blindness has caused her to be more dependent upon the Lord while her husband states that he had to go from being a “loner” to interacting more with people as he cares for his wife and her relationships.  You spoke those words, as did I, “In sickness and in health…”  We have no idea of the future, but we know that if we allow our love to grow a small portion daily, when we are faced with the unexpected, our love will be intact and we’ll be able to handle the stress of what we may someday face.

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Marriage, Postmarital

I’m Giving Up on My Marriage, It’s too Easy!

Have you ever heard of someone saying marriage is just too easy?  I haven’t.  Author Gary Thomas recently wrote, “Beauty is often birthed in struggle.”  When we struggle for or through something we often tend to appreciate it far more.  I was working full-time, going to graduate school full-time, and being a husband and father while at the same time building our home with a friend – yes, literally pounding the nails.  It was one of the most challenging and demanding times of my life.  But the rewards, well, they were great.   As tough as it was, I didn’t walk away from any of my responsibilities because they were too difficult.

Imagine your Christian walk being trouble-free, without challenge and a life of ease.  While the desire for ease is often a dream, rarely is it an opportunity.  But, should it be?  Struggles make us stronger.  Challenges create perseverance.  A forced dependence upon our Creator through prayer and a growing relationship matures us.  Otherwise we remain unseasoned and immature.  The same is true of marriage.  When it gets tough and there are very real problems, God does not desire to rescue us so we do not face them, but rather He desires to walk us through them victoriously, maturing our marriages in the process.  In reality we should be thanking God for the opportunities in which marriage allows us to grow and mature.

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