Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ultimate Compliment, but the Scariest One

images-10I was listening to a wife complain about her husband’s lack of attention toward her with him sitting right there in front of us. It was a bit awkward, but not nearly as awkward as the next emotionally charged sentence she blurted out, which went something like this: “Why can’t you be more like Steve in this area?” Her husband’s response was to then give me this forlorn look, while his eyes searched for the correct answer from his memory bank. He sheepishly spoke, “Yea, she often says to me, ‘what would Steve do in this situation?”’ I was floored, embarrassed and wanted to be anywhere but there. While I know it was in some weird way a compliment, it felt so… I don’t know…comparing, negative and unhealthy? I sat there speechless at first, feeling his pain. He was being compared with someone who he is not, is never going to be and is not created to be.Roter und Grüner Apfel

Finally gathering myself, I turned and looked at her and spoke forthrightly. I began, “Your husband is not me and should never be expected to be me. While we each have traits that reveal Jesus in us, it is Him that we are to emulate. Your husband will not change by you comparing him to another man, in fact, it only serves to humiliate him and that is not a godly trait. Please do not use my name in that way as I am a very imperfect man and I will fail you.”

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives. (Proverbs 27: 21)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Marriage II

images-6Viewing pornography opens the door of our soul and spirit to spiritual oppression, confusion, hopelessness, hurt, control and domination in evil ways. Women feel betrayed by husbands who use porn – cheated on really. Women feel as though they cannot compete with the images their husbands are viewing. It is an illusion that says women will do anything to please their man while no woman in real life lives within that kind of fantasy world. It brings insecurities to her and can destroy her esteem. She will question her attractiveness and her adequacy as a lover. She can eventually think and believe that porn is more important to her husband than she is to him, an ultimate sexual betrayal.

Men, however, often view pornography as innocent, a fix for loneliness or not having a sexual partner that agrees with his desires. Men rationalize and justify their behavior by attempting to call it the “normal behavior” of a man who is simply visual. However, the act of viewing pornography is highly addictive in which some psychologist state that it is like a crack cocaine addiction. Over time it does not diminish, but tends to intensify. It can interfere in a man’s ability to function at home with his family, at work and of course in the bedroom.

One thing we know from God, His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can NEVER be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than ones life mate or others. To speak very directly and candidly to the casual or the constant viewer: By viewing pornography and by going to their web sites, you are supporting the industry and you are helping it to grow. The porn industry is supplying what you’re looking for.  You are contributing to the sexual exploitation of victims caught in this world. You are adding to the sin of human trafficking. You are saying ‘yes’ to a multi-billion dollar industry that feeds and preys on innocent women, men and children and can even lead to their abduction or death. You are helping to destroy those trapped in this industry, your marriage, your own family and yourself.images-3 Unbelievably, you attempt to excuse it and rationalize it when I Corinthians 6: 13 says, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord…” v. 18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Ephesians 5: 3 – “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…”

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Pornography and Pursuing Sexual Wholeness in Your Marriage (part I)

imagesA nationally conducted survey among churches over the past five years revealed that 68% of men and 50% of pastors view pornography regularly (Pure Desire Ministries, 2009). But, the most shocking was that 11-17 year old boys reported being the greatest users. Pornography in our country is a 4 billion dollar industry. More money is spent on pornography than pro baseball, pro basketball, pro football and the Super bowl combined per year. Eleven thousand adult films are produced per year, which is 20 times the number of regular media films coming out of Hollywood. The issue is sweeping through the church and with the present younger generation being exposed and involved, it is epidemic.

As the church today, we tell men and women caught up in this issue that it is solely a moral issue, but studies are showing that it is also a brain issue. So telling men and women to study more, pray more and simply to think pure thoughts is like telling a heroin addict to just stop thinking about and pursuing his drug.  Studies are now indicating that when we are involved in sexual activity the brain releases a chemical called Oxytocin, along with other chemicals, it is the glue to human bonding.  When we watch pornography, powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine are also released and our brain then takes those images and creates a bond, actually interfering with human bonding and sexuality. Dr. Tim Jennings, a neuropsychologist says that any type of repetitive behavior will create trails in our brain that fire on automatic sequence. So men and women who truly love Jesus with all of their heart can be in sexual bondage from the enemy due to viewing pornography repeatedly.images-3

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do… I Peter 1:13-15

God desires us to bond with our life mate sexually while the enemy desires us to be in bondage to sexually explicit material.  We will continue with this subject in future blogs.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Uncategorized

Mission, The Why of Your Marriage

imagesWhy are you married? That seems like a question that does not need asking. But, couples can lose their way; lose their focus after some years of doing life. I know my marriage has at times. Mary and I discovered some years ago that we needed to answer that “why” question and then put it into writing. We call this our Marriage Mission statement and we have found it to be a guiding life value in our relationship. Most likely your work place has a mission statement, as does your local church and your auxiliary clubs you belong to. Marriage is God’s idea and when He brought it to earth He spoke to the very first couple these words, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” And, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 1,2) God gave Adam and Eve a mission.

Whether you are married a month or decades, your marriage has a purpose, a calling. Your children will find strength in knowing their family has focus and mission. A mission statement will keep you on track, help you set goals and set the course for personal change. It can help you envision where you want your marriage to go. What legacy do you desire to leave? It can start today by identifying your mission together as a couple and as a family.images-4

  1. Begin by listing areas that you and your spouse are presently prioritizing and involved in individually and as a couple. Write these things down.
  2. Take the time to list your personal family values, the practical things that define your marriage. (For example: praying together, becoming debt free or growing a business.)
  3. Start building your mission statement by listing your goals and dreams, keeping in mind all you have written above. What do you desire to accomplish as a couple/family? Include short-term and long-term dreams and think about this question, “What impact do we desire to make as a couple?” Your statement will include: the spiritual; the physical; the financial; the social; the vocational and the recreational.

Include some life scriptures like Joshua 24:15 or Psalms 127:1. Defining the “why” through a marriage mission statement just might be what is missing from your union.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Five Reasons Why Dating Your Spouse is NOT Recommended

  1. images-14Dating is for the single person only. You are now into the real life throes of long-term marriage and everyone knows it is to be serious. It’s a lot of hard work and everyone is aware of the fact that the romantic spark left years ago. So, stop trying to prove otherwise.
  2. Dating costs money and money is hard to come by. The last thing you want to do is invest in your relationship. There are far too many essentials that must come first in the list of financial priorities.
  3. Dating takes time and time is a commodity that should be given first to work, the children and upkeep of all the stuff you own.
  4. You already did the, “smell good and look attractive” thing. You “caught” one another so go back to the couch and take that much-needed break in your most worn and most comfortable outfit. Ladies, put your hair into curlers and men, stop shaving.images-12
  5. And lastly, dating means we have to talk and heaven knows talking leads to fighting and fighting leads to not talking and not talking leads to…well, more fighting. So, your best bet is to never, never, never date. It will only lead to a closer, more loving, more fun and a  deeper friendship.
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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Making Valentine’s Day Last a Month

images-11While Valentine’s Day has its roots in ancient Roman festivals that were basically pagan, Pope Gelasius recast this festival as a Christian feast day around 496 and declared February 14th as St. Valentine’s Day. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia the priest, Valentine, actually attracted the disfavor of Claudius II around 270. Claudius II was prohibiting young men from marriage to make them into soldiers. According to legend, Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies secretly and was eventually apprehended by the Romans and put to death.

The Valentine Day card evolved in the 18th century in England with gift-giving and handmade cards, which eventually spread to the American colonies. But it wasn’t until the 1850’s when Esther Howland, from Worcester, Mass., began producing Valentine’s Day greeting cards. Today, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines.

Below are some ideas to generate your expression of love this Valentine’s Day:images-10

  • Write Post It notes of thankfulness and encouragement and place them all over the house.
  • Send a card to your spouse’s workplace and surprise her/him with mail from you.
  • Buy him or her their favorite candy bar and place it somewhere special.
  • Kiss your valentine for no reason.
  • Take their hand while driving or walking together.
  • Do a surprise date; you plan the whole date from beginning to end.
  • Make her a special dinner.
  • Make his favorite meal or dessert.
  • Start buying small gifts and give them weekly throughout the month.
  • Slip a hand written love note on a business card onto their car door or under their windshied wiper.
  • Bring her or him coffee or tea in bed.
  • Take care of the children for a few hours so she or he can do something special.
  • Send a text message or call everyday around the same time telling her/him why you love them.
  • Bring home take-out, flowers and a movie and surprise her.
  • Buy him that tool or “toy” he has desired.
  • Create your own Valentine’s Day card.
  • Purchase a book on marriage and determine read it together.
  • In the near future attend a marriage seminar weekend together.
  • If you haven’t, begin a regiment of praying together, blessing one another in meaningful spiritual connection.
  • Grab the vacuum and vacuum the house for your family. She’ll love you for it!
  • Read a couples devotional that challenges your romance together.
  • Do extra special sensual things like rubbing her back, massaging his neck, taking a shower together, speaking truth-filled words of deep affection, affirmation and acceptance.
  • Look at old picture albums reflecting your young love.
  • Discuss “older love” and how maturation in your relationship is still attractive to you.
  • Share the ten things you love about one another.
  • Watch a love story movie and laugh together.
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Marriage, Postmarital

Five Grievous Ways to Tear Apart Your Spouse

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Since the middle of the month of February has this “holiday” called Valentine’s Day, I thought it appropriate to commit the next few weeks of blog messages to marriage. I hope you enjoy the various subjects and that in some small way they help you or remind you of your marital love and commitment, starting with these five warnings.

1. Speaking belittling words, name calling or utilizing sarcastic phrases that are meant to make our spouse feel inadequate, stupid or have lessor worth. Put-downs are never appreciated and never build relationship. They actually expose how immature we are as a person. They show off our feelings of inadequacy and our need to attempt to elevate ourself.

2. Talking in a tone of voice that conveys the message: “Listen you moron, if I said this once I’ve said it a dozen times — how can you not get this?” This tone is both demeaning and full of ridicule, not to mention it shows a severe lack of respect and honor. It also conveys the deprecating message, “I’m smarter than you.”

3. Making light of something our spouse cannot change. Your spouse cannot change the size of his or her feet or nose. They cannot change the fact that they lost hearing in one ear or have (in spite of how hard they try) kept on a few pounds after pregnancy. There are many things we can take responsibility for and change, but some things are just not possible, so please stop making these areas the brunt of your jokes. Plain and simple, it hurts even when your spouse laughs with you.

4. Correcting your spouse in public with that proverbial parenting voice. A wise couple once told us, “Praise in public, construct in private” and we have never forgotten that wisdom. Some couples/families use public embarrassment in an attempt to correct or silence another. It is dysfunctional and unhealthy to a marriage relationship. You are not one another’s parents; you are life partners looking out for each other’s best interest and good will.

5. Withholding compliments, praise, words of thankfulness and appreciation. By withholding these you think it will cause your mate to work harder in an effort to gain them. It will not. It will discourage them and for some, to the point of giving up. Heap praise, words of affirmation, compliments, and “I love you” words as often and as frequently as you possibly can. Withholding words of affirmation does not motivate, but readily and often speaking compliments and saying “thank you” will motivate.

Let’s get started operating in the complete opposite of the five grievous ways and always, always remember: You and your spouse are one. That means, whatever you are speaking about your spouse you are also speaking about yourself.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage V

images-39. Thou Shalt Be Engaged in Mission Together
What was the wisdom of God in bringing the two of you together? What were/are the redemptive purposes for this marriage relationship? These questions should lead you to what we call our marriage co-mission. More than likely your work place or local church place has a mission. Why wouldn’t the first institution God created have a mission? Think about all the things the two of you are involved in and write those things down. Now combine the items that you are involved in together, like raising your children, teaching the youth group or owning and maintaining your home. Begin to write your mission paragraph with your co-mission items, dreams and visions for the future. This paragraph might change over the years, but it will continually give you the purpose of your call together.

images10. Thou Shalt Practice the Nine Most Important Words in Marriage
The nine most important words of marriage can take years of maturing to find and even longer to say. These words mean business. They are free of pride. They require a humble spirit and a letting go of your ego. The nine most important words of marriage have instant medicinal purposes in the relationship. They bring healing. These words can initiate change, help you start over and keep you from going back to an old pattern. When thoughtfully and truthfully communicated, these words are some of the most powerful words in the marriage relationship. If you will learn them, practice them and speak them they will be a lifetime of wisdom. What are the nine most important words in marriage?
I am sorry; I was wrong, please forgive me.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage IV

And two more marriage commandments…

7.  Thou Shalt Change Yourself First Change.  Very few people even like the word. It conjures thoughts of having to give in, give up or surrender to the will of another. Or, our thinking might go something like this, “If I change first, then he/she will change and that’s what I’m really after.” It doesn’t work that way. We change because God is asking us to change, showing us a deficit in our life. We change because it’s best for our relationship. However, if we change solely based upon what another desires, it will not be a lasting change. We change because we are motivated for our own reasons to make that change. Otherwise, in the end, we will resent the one requiring change from us. Growing up, growing closer as a couple and growing closer to God requires our openness to change for the better. As I take responsibility for personal change, my marriage will change.article-2186932-147E1BC0000005DC-3_634x286

 8.  Thou Shalt Ask God Rather Than Fight  Learning this one can take years of marriage practice. Once again, it’s connected to prayer, but not at first. All too frequently, early on in marriage, we ‘know’ that we’re right. And, if we’re right our spouse is wrong. And, if our spouse is wrong we win the fight, right? Wrong! If one of us loses, we both lose. Why? Because we are one. If we’re one in spirit then it’s no longer you against me, but us. In other words, Steve is Mary and Mary is Steve. Only one person came back down the aisle after you spoke your vows. If you are fighting and arguing to win, then you are losing. James chapter four and verse one begins by asking a question. That amazing question is, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” Fortunately, James provides an answer. He wisely says, “You do not have because you do not ask God.” Is it really that simple? The choice is ours, fighting and arguing or praying and agreement.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

The Ten Commandments of Marriage III

Continuing with the theme of the Ten Commandments of marriage:

5. Thou Shalt Honor One Another

Honor one another…now that’s a tough one. Perhaps the number one way to show honor to your mate is to freely give them your time, to prioritize your mate over yourself, your work and your children.   Honor is saying that next to my relationship with God, you are the most important person in my life. We need to continually honor with our words and back those words up with our actions, as well as, our respect. We must regularly tell our spouse we love them and then demonstrate that love through honor.  If we do not demonstrate honor, our words will fall to the ground meaningless. In honor we pray for and with our mate regularly. To communicate with God together is the most intimate thing you can be involved in. To honor God by bringing your marriage requests before Him will actually build more honor, admiration and affirmation into your relationship.images

6. Thou Shalt Maintain Your Sexual Love

Love does not come as natural for men as it seems to for woman. Women excel in this area, while men grow into this area. However, men would see themselves excelling in sex. But sex without the love factor…well, it’s just sex. And sex without relationship is lust. God planned the boundaries of sex to be within marriage. The enemy of our soul has planned for all sex to be outside of marriage. Pornography has made sex into something we take while God’s plan has always been that sex is something we give. Which one provides the most satisfaction? Which one is the most love filled? Which one comes with commitment? There is only one answer and so it seems reasonable that maintaining our sexual love is another way to honor God and one another. Within marriage, we need to be reminded that our body is not ours; it belongs to our spouse (I Corinthians 7:2-5). A healthy sexual life flows out of a healthy love life. Your sex life as a couple is often a picture of the rest of your marriage. Lastly, life is birthed out of our sexual intimacy as a couple.

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