Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Why Are We so Different?

Have you ever wondered why you married someone who is NOT like you?  We enjoy taking couples through premarital and hearing about how they just love the same music, have the same taste in clothing or both share a love of roller coasters.  Believe me, my wife and I have heard it all.  But after they say, “I do” none of these “loves” actually amount to much.  What they begin to discover is how different they really are.  Two become one as we speak our vows to God and to one another.  However, it is in the actual becoming one when we learn to embrace the differences.

It may take two years or more to discover that those “differences” are actually positives and not negatives.  While we may quarrel over them, a difference of opinion or a different view on things is actually a positive.  An example from my marriage is that I am the one who tends to see ahead, push for change and take risks.  I married someone who is not a risk taker and loves the security of things staying the same.  So how does that work as a positive?  Well, it took us some time to figure it out, but eventually we discovered something that we have since carried in our hearts.  That is, typically I have the vision and my wife carries the timing for that vision.  Vision is great, but timing is everything!

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Marriage, Postmarital

Communication is More Than Just Words

In our book, Called Together, we have a premarital section on communication.  It’s the longest chapter in the book.  Within those pages there is a quote from  author Norm Wright that goes like this, “Communication is: 7 percent words (content), 38 percent attitude (tone of voice) and 55 percent body language.”  Believe me, your children know to respond quickly when they hear their first, middle and last name at heightened volume while you are moving toward them with something in hand.  They understand these percentages!

In a marriage, we can say the right words and a totally different message is received.  For example, say your wife beats you home from work and she begins thinking about how she has missed you and in her mind begins to formulate her greeting to you.  She awaits full of anticipation.  But you had a pretty rough day and have not completely made the transition from foreman to husband as yet.  You walk in the door with your (proverbial) foreman hat still on as your wife moves toward you, smiling and saying how nice it is to see you.  She goes on to say that see missed you and she loves you.   To all of this you say, “Yeah, yeah, I love you too, where’s the mail?”  Did your wife catch or even hear those “I love you “ words tucked in the middle of that sentence?  I doubt it.  The next time you’re tempted to respond glibly, stop what you are doing, look at your spouse, listen to him or her and then respond in kind with tone of voice and body language all adding to the message.

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Marriage, Postmarital

I Slept but my Heart was Awake

This phrase grabbed me as I was reading the amazing book titled Song Of Songs, “I slept but my heart was awake.”  (If you’re unfamiliar with this book, you’ll find it in the middle of your Bible.)  Beautiful thought isn’t it?  Our God, the God of marriage, of relationship between a man and a woman, the Creator of sexuality wrote this.  This awesome book reads like a sensual novel; a love story like no other.  Its purity and its prose are unashamedly open and passionate about two lovers.  Can you feel the anticipation in this verse – physically asleep, but emotionally awake?  Solomon then writes, “Listen! My lover is knocking…” Ah, the answer to the much-anticipated arrival.

Some time ago, I was returning from an extended international trip away from my wife who was now picking me up at the airport.  I jumped in the car as she retrieved me from the curb and we were like two giddy kids trying to catch up for lost time together.  Mary was so excited that she drove right through a stop sign and then stopped at a green light.  We just laughed at ourselves and enjoyed the moment.  Every night while gone from our bed we were thinking about and anticipating the return, our hearts were awake…waiting…listening…watching for the long-awaited “knock.”  Is your heart “awake” toward your lover?

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities III

There are some concluding areas of life’s priorities that I would like to discuss.  We’ve talked about loving God first, along with loving our spouse and ourselves.  Then we looked at how Jesus maintained His priorities and finally I think it’s vital for us to “check our gauges.”  Years ago cars were made with actual gauges on their dashboards.  These gauges read the oil pressure, the temperature, the vacuum and the amps.  The driver was the only computer on board and monitoring all the gauges was of utmost importance.  As higher demands are placed on marriages and families, our gauges will be indicators of our operating condition.  We simply cannot run on empty.  We must have times of replenishment and disconnection.  The following is a list of areas to look at within your own life, marriage and family in maintaining life’s priorities:

1.  Are you continually serving outside your gift areas?  Paul told Timothy to “Watch your life…closely…”  (I Timothy 4:16)

2.  Pace yourself.  No one can maintain a full-time sprint.

3.  Learn to say “no.” God is not impressed when you say yes to something He has not told you to do or be involved with.

4.  Watch your balance of: work, rest, play and worship.

5.  Take your annual vacation days along with your weekly Sabbath.

6.  Maintain an interest in something fun where you disconnect and have down time.

7.  Keep reading; keep studying; keep learning in order to keep growing.

8.  Learn to share deeply and pray intimately with your spouse and do not avoid counsel when needed.

9.  Maintain dates with your spouse and children.

10. Evaluate.  Take time to evaluate your marriage, family, finances, work, exercise, down time – life as you know it.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities in Our Marriage II

Life is busy and families have every hour of every day filled with many good things.  As we love God first, there must be a sense of His Lordship within our daily schedules.  How do we know we are to be doing all the things that our work places, our children’s schools, our local municipalities and our local churches require of us?  How did Jesus know what to prioritize with only three and one half years to accomplish His Father’s mission for Him?  Let me pass on to you a few secrets from the life of Jesus in balancing life’s many priorities.

First, Jesus knew who He was and what He was called to.  (John 8: 12-14))  Second, He heard and obeyed His Father’s voice.  (John 8: 28-29)  Third, He rested, took breaks and had fun.  (Matthew 13:1; Mark 1:35; John 2:1-2)  And lastly, He never lost His compassion for mankind.  (Mark 9: 35-36)  Meditate on the above scriptures and ask your heavenly Father how to maintain a similar balance in your life and marriage.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Balancing Life’s Priorities in Our Marriage

What are your first five life priorities?  What or who do you put first in your life?  Matthew 22:36-40 says that we are to put God first, but some days it’s ourselves and other days it’s our children and still others it’s our work place.  Does God get your leftovers at times?  At a certain point in our marriage, Mary and I realized that both God and our spouse couldn’t keep receiving our leftovers at the end of the day.  But where do we place our spouse and our self within the first five priorities of life?

Matthew 22 says to love God first.  Okay, got that.  Then, you are to love your neighbor as yourself.  Who is our closest neighbor?  Next to God is family and the closest relationship within family is your spouse.  Where then does self fit into this list of priorities?  There is no denying that our needs are important to us.  There is no denying that we like our teeth brushed and our hair combed, looking as good as we can before facing our day.  And there is no denying that in order to love others as our self, we need to have an appropriate self-love.   It is our conclusion that we need to place the priority of loving self after loving our spouse, but at the same priority level.   …”He who loves his wife loves himself.”  (Eph. 5: 28b)

We’ll continue our look at priorities next week.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Where Does Spousal Abuse Originate From?

Going back to Ephesians five, there is another verse that is advantageous for us to look at.  From last week we remember verse 28, “And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.  They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already one in marriage.”  Another version states it this way, …”husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.”  The “why” in this statement is answered when the scripture reveals that a man actually loves himself when he loves his wife who he is one with.  In other words, to put your wife down is to put yourself down.  To speak negative of yourself is to speak negative of your husband because you are one.  To harm your spouse in any way is to harm yourself.

Looking at verse 29 of Ephesians 5: “No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.”  Where does spousal abuse come from?  Through divine inspiration, Paul the Apostle reveals that it comes from hating yourself.  Out of self-hate you abuse your wife or your husband.  How do we receive healing from self-hate?  Receive the totally consuming, perfect, forgiving and magnanimous love that Jesus has for you!  To go from self-hate to an appropriate self-love can only occur through the transforming power of the love of God’s Son.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Husbands, Go All Out in Your Love for Your Wives

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting.  Christ’s love makes the church whole.  His words evoke her beauty.  Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.  And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.  They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already one in marriage.   Ephesians 5:25-28 The Message

I love this version of this text.  As Jesus cares for His church, so a husband is to care for the soul of his wife.  For obvious reasons, some men do not see this as their role or have no idea of what it means.  Perhaps as a husband you think it’s God’s job or your wife’s best friend’s role.  It’s not, it is your role and Jesus will give you His heart to love by giving; to draw out her beauty; to bring the best out of her and to see her become dazzling and radiant with holiness.  Read the above paragraph once again in order to be “doing [yourself] a favor” since you are one.  Ask the Author of marriage for a step to take today in order to go all out in your love for your wife.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Saying,“I do,” What Happens at a Wedding

The mystery of two becoming one begins with a confession of two simple words, “I do.”  After almost 38 years of marriage, Mary and I “still do.”  This past Easter Sunday I watched as my mother and father-in-law held hands to pray over their meal together.  After 71 years of marriage, they “still do.”  Little did we understand those two, almost insignificant, words at our marriage ceremony, but here’s a bit of insight into what they actually mean or will mean when you speak them.

Prior to the wedding ceremony, both the man and the woman are under the authority of another(s) – their parents.  When saying, “I do,” there is an exchange of authority in order to leave and cleave.  The father and mother give their daughter away and there is a name change.  There is an exchange of possessions.  What is his is now also hers and what is hers becomes his.  There is a releasing of singleness so that in mind, body, soul and spirit two become one.  All past dating relationships are left in order to cling to this one and only this one.  There is a new sense of responsibility for another.  There is a new sense of submission and giving of oneself for another.  Two now embrace all expenses and debt brought into the marriage. There are many additional family and friend relationships taken on.  Finally, while perhaps not realized at the time, two very different people will grow and change over the course of time as they live life and walk out those two simple words, “I do.”

Why don’t you send your spouse a card today and let them know you “still do.”

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Marriage, Postmarital

Vows: For Better or for Worse

Have you been the “better” or the “worse” in your marriage?  Seriously, marriages must be strong enough to make it through the good and the bad in life, along with the good and bad in us.  In God’s divine wisdom, He gave us someone who could be strong when we are weak.  For me, He gave the nicer, the better and younger looking, the more generous, the smarter and the one who could find stuff.  Over the years, He also gives the grace so that the worse is not so bad with my mate by my side and the better is far better celebrated with the two of us.

But here’s the bigger deal:  Are you becoming the better?  Are you becoming stronger where you were weak?  Are you pursuing wholeness so that you can become what your life mate is in need of?  Are you prioritizing your spouse over your personal goals, desires and interests so that you can honor the one God gave you as a life partner?  The act of marriage allows for two individuals with two individual wills to grow up together and mature into oneness – a oneness that reflects Christ to one another and those around us.  Author Gary Thomas says that we are one another’s mirrors.  What are you reflecting back to your spouse, better or worse?  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others [your spouse]. Philippians 2:4

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