Category Archives: Postmarital

Marriage, Postmarital

Husbands Caring for the Soul of Their Wives through Love II

Does caring for the soul of your life mate sound too intense or maybe too, I don’t know… God like?  Do you think this is only God’s job or your pastor’s mission?  It would be like saying, “I’ll care for my children, but when it comes to their education my only job is to get them to the school bus.”  Is loving your wife connected in any way to your wife’s emotional health?  If a man cannot identify his own emotional needs, how can he identify his wife’s?  (That’s a legitimate question.)  What is an emotional need anyway?

As men, we want to go to a tangible numbering scale or to the provide side of work and a pay check, but these do not touch her emotional needs.  We think if we have a good 401K account and a plan for retirement, we’ve done our job.  In his book, Tender Warrior, Stu Weber writes, “As men we so often misplace our vision.  We focus myopically on houses and cars and stock portfolios and bank accounts and piling up stuff.  We revert to the things we can see, when in fact it is the unseen world…where we ought to be majoring in our provision.”   It is the “unseen world” of relational needs.  Ask your wife the question, “What are your top five emotional needs?”  Then ask yourself how you are caring for her soul to help meet those needs.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Husbands Caring for the Soul of Their Wives through Love

I am sending this out early since I will be unavailable for a few days next week. 

Men, imagine this scenario:  You finally arrive in heaven and are now standing before God as He asks you, “When you were on earth, how did you care for my daughter, your wife?”  Further, He questions, “Did you love her as my Son loved His church, giving up His life to make her holy?”  You stammer out a,”Well, yes, but…”  All the while, thinking this is all sounding kind of familiar.  Ephesians 5:25 admonishes husbands to love their wives as Christ loved His church and gave Himself for her.  Further, the scripture reveals that Christ will present His church as a “radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.”  In verse 28 we read, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies…He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Could, “in this same way,” actually mean that as Christ would present His bride, we would present our wife?  If we could take this literally or simply imagine this to someday be the case, then ask yourself the question, “What will I present?”  Clearing your throat, your lips begin to move without thinking too deeply and you stumble out with, “Ah here she is, Lord, I only became angry with her a couple dozen times, called her a few not-so-nice names, cursed a time or two, slammed a few doors, walked out on her on several occasions, refused to help much around the house and told jokes at her expense.”  God looks at you and queries, “Really, you just didn’t love yourself very much then did you?”  Your head sinks when from your spirit comes the words, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.”

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Winning Him/Her Through a Deepening Love

Have you ever taken the time to watch two young people dance around one another, flirting, looking, waiting, watching, laughing and touching?  It’s kind of fun to observe and if you think hard enough you can remember those days in your progression of life.  In this decade, he is spending time at the gym buffing up, getting several cool tattoos, finding the latest jeans and attempting to keep up with the latest hair style.  She is doing a lot of the same while adding make-up, nail polish and hair highlights.  Both are desiring love; both wanting the other’s attention, neither completely sure of how to get it and what to expect.  Finding love is expensive, consumes your time and thoughts and most often does not work out (which wastes more time).  Today there are numerous on-line dating tools to help, but to many that’s a little like trying to win the million dollar lottery.

Men love the pursuit and women love being the catch.  But isn’t love deeper than a flirtatious dance and the change of outward appearances?  Once they are engaged or say “I do” and he stops the pursuit, while at the same time she realizes she’s been caught, then what?  Then, life – maturing life.  Love is laying your life down for this person, sacrificing your own needs.  It is not, “Check marriage off my list and now on with my career.”  Keeping this woman has nothing to do with tattoos, bigger muscles or cool beards and keeping this man will not relate to the latest shoes and purse combination.  Those things become rather shallow when real life decisions and bills come due.  She needs you to continue to chase her with a deepening love and an emotional presence.  He needs you to continue to respect and affirm him as the provider, the protector and the lover.  In the coming weeks, we will talk about this love factor that is needed in a growing and maturing marriage.  Meanwhile, read Ephesians 5: 15-33.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ladies, Don’t Tear Him Down, Affirm Him

It had been a particularly challenging week for me and it was a Friday morning when this text vibrated its way into my pocket, “Thanks for being such a focused and hardworking man…not a lazy bone in you…that is one thing I love about you.”  For the remainder of the day, my step was lighter and a revised sense of conquering all of life’s problems returned.  Those words cut directly to and deeply touched my manhood.  Seeing these words written by the most important person on earth to me renewed confidence in our relationship because the woman I love believes in me.  Words of affirmation empower me and all other men to also believe in themselves.

Where does your life mate seek affirmation, because he will seek it from somewhere?  Is he good at sports, the computer, hunting, carpentry or cooking?  How he feels about these things is directly tied into the affirmation he receives.  If you as his wife are not affirming him, then he will find the places where he does receive it, even if it means spending extra time at work.  Men love to hear “good job” and “well done.”  They love the words, “No one does it like you,” (no matter what it is).  But, when his wife affirms him for the room he just renovated in front of his children, his parents or his friends – that’s over the top for him.  Ladies, don’t send your men looking elsewhere for affirmation.  Begin by making a list of the areas that you can affirm him in and start a positive habit today with a text message of affirmation.  I guarantee you, you’ll make his day and he will not erase that message.

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ladies, Are You Respecting Your Man?

Did you know that your man is “hardwired” by God with the need to receive respect from his life mate?  There is mention of it in the Scripture, but check out the following:  Shaunti Feldhahn wrote the book, For Women Only, and relates the fact that men would rather feel unloved than disrespected.  In a survey she quotes, 74% of men would rather, “…be alone and unloved than feel inadequate and be disrespected.”  So, it goes something like this: if a man feels disrespected, he is most likely going to also feel unloved.  Men long for a father’s respect and seek the respect of their children, along with their employer, but the need for respect from their wife trumps them all.  Ladies, have you ever noticed how numerous persons can compliment your man, but then he turns to you and asks how you feel he did?  He needs your affirming words of respect as his icing on top of the cake and values it far more than any other opinion.

What’s the hesitation?  I’ve heard many women say something like this, “When he does something worthy of respect, I will give it to him.”  Even though he is created in the image of God, loved by God and already approved of by Him, you feel he must earn it from you?  If you could forget about the disappointments you have felt and the offenses that have come your way through him, could you take a step of faith and find ways to express respect?  The two of you are one and as you show respect (deserved or not), you will reap the benefits.  It may not be immediate and you may receive a quizzical look or two, but the male soul will respond.  You have a choice to be your husband’s critic or his greatest fan.  (See: Ephesians 5:33; I Timothy 3:4; I Peter 2:17 in the NLT Bible.)

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital

Acceptance and Marriage Failure

I like to write more about how marriages can succeed rather than how they can fail, but I guess we have to mention the latter at times to maintain a balance.  Author Gary Chapman states that marriages fail because of three main reasons: lack of an intimate relationship with God; lack of an intimate relationship with your mate and a lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself.  It seems easy to understand number one and number two but, acceptance of yourself?

When we become secure in whose we are and know our significance in our heavenly Father, we can begin to find self-acceptance.  When we know His love and approval of us, we no longer need to demand it from our spouse.  When we have His direction and His mission for our lives, then it is so much easier to discover the same for our marriage.  When we know who we are, we can stop demanding that our needs to be met and in maturity work on meeting the needs of our spouse.  Anxiety can leave our marriage and rest can take up residence.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. (Romans 15:7)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

I Want A Divorce…From My Children?

My children were beautiful, big and perfect when they were born, but they soon began crying for every little thing.  They were amazing to watch while they were sleeping, so peaceful, but often awoke in the middle of the night demanding to be fed or needing a diaper change or just some loving attention.  As a young parent, I didn’t know how to prepare for their second and third year of life when I thought their job description was to cause parental mental disorder.  Starting school was happy and sad as I watched them carry their first backpacks.  A whole new world of problems surfaced with selfish desires, comparisons, insecurities and inadequacies.  The questions were endless and the needs for more clothes, soccer equipment, extra money for this and that were insatiable.  Middle school and music, friends and styles and first loves were more than one could possibly plan or prepare for.  If all that wasn’t enough, high school came with the battle of the wills, the “why not, everyone else is!” statements,  raised voices, driving lessons, more raised voices, attitudes, incompatibility,  that awful “whatever” word, first jobs, more clothes, more money and more demands.

And, you know what?  Never once did I want to divorce or even separate from my children.  They were my children and I loved them no matter what.  Most days I was extremely proud and some days emotionally spent and discouraged.  There was no plan B, we would make it as a family and I (we)  would raise our children to the best of my (our) ability.  I would do my best to be patient, respond correctly, teach, pray for and with, correct, protect and direct.  Divorce?  Not an option.  I would see them through college and walk them down the aisle.  I would believe in their financial skills even after a terrible mistake.  I would give my life for them.  There was no parenting manual; some issues never resolved; there was always some growing up to do.  There was no calling it quits, never would I lose hope and stop believing for the best.  They were mine and I was responsible, until death do us part.

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Marriage, Postmarital

Marriage: A Lifetime Affair

In a matter of days, Mary and I will celebrate 38 years of “holy matrimony.”  Who knew after saying “I do” 38 years ago, today we would be saying, “I still do?”  Who knew we would have three children all through college with two of them happily married?  Who knew that “old love” would be better in so many ways over “young love” and that holding hands (with a growing number of age spots surfacing), kissing and saying “I love you” would still be so delightful?  Who knew that we would frequently enjoy lighter moments and laugh together so much (and that Mary would still laugh at my jokes)?  Who knew that we would write a book together and be working on a second?   Who knew that people would actually read the books?  Who knew that a marriage relationship could progress to such oneness, maintain a deep and growing respect and honor and could still generate the “I missed you” feelings when one of us is away?  Who knew that speaking to God together could generate an intimacy greater than any other life experience?  Who knew that so much of our life mission could possibly be realized in just 38 brief years?  And, who knows how much longer we have the privilege of loving God and loving one another on this earth?

    Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…  Jeremiah 1:5

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Number One Relationship Inhibitor

A few of years ago, I heard about a study of primary school children.  The study was centered on trying to discover the number one inhibitor to their creativity and eventually to their performance.  I was intrigued as to what these social scientists identified.  While there were many ingredients, there was one area that stood out as the number one killer of creativity and it wasn’t the loss of a parent or the family financial status.  The number one inhibitor was critical judgment.  When words of critical judgment are cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity crisis that can lead to an identity crisis.

When a child hears these consistent words and tone of voice or nonverbal looks that say, “We never planned you; you were not wanted; you obviously don’t belong in this family,” they will begin to believe these words.  Their life will be scared and their demeanor, the look on their face or life expectations, will take on this spirit of critical judgment like a cloud hovering over them.

Do you want to “kill” your spouse and end up killing your marriage, then regularly speak words of critical judgment like, “I don’t know why I married a loser like you; of course you’re not ready on time, you never are; could you possibly be any more stupid; you are the world’s worst when it comes to directions; why can’t you get a better job?”  Or, if you want to begin a release of creativity and affirmation in your mate then try speaking words of blessing like, “You’re amazing; you work so hard; you look beautiful or handsome today; I am thrilled to be married to you; I love your hair that way.”  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

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Marriage, Postmarital

Deception in Marriage II

After an unsuspecting wife found a small piece of paper with the name “Mary Lou” on it, she became angry.  Hitting her husband over the head with a frying pan he asked, “What was that for?”  His wife replied, “I found this paper with the name Mary Lou on it in your pants pocket this morning while doing the wash.  What do you have to say for yourself?”   Quickly her husband said, “Oh, I was at the race track last week and that was the name of the horse I bet on.”  To her embarrassment his wife apologized for jumping to conclusions and not trusting her husband.  About a week later she found her husband sitting at the computer and whaled him once again, but this time with a cast iron skillet knocking him out cold. When he became conscious he asked, “AND WHAT WAS THAT FOR THIS TIME?”  His wife with fire in her eyes said, “Your horse called!”

Jeremiah wrote that…  “The heart is deceitful above all things…who can understand it?”  Then God said, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind…”  (Jeremiah 17: 9, 10)  We are told that people lie so often today that they have trouble differentiating between a lie and the truth.  Jeremiah tells us that our hearts are deceitful in their sinful condition, but that God takes the time to personally check our heart and examine our mind.  If He sat down with you today, would He locate any deceitfulness?  What’s at stake – only your character, your integrity, your word, your reputation and your legacy?  A lie to your spouse or anyone else takes seconds to produce, but it could take much longer to straighten out down the road.  The next time you are not completely honest try this:  As soon as the Holy Spirit reveals to you the deception, apologize and straighten it out right then and there, don’t wait.  You won’t regret it.  The slight and brief embarrassment is worth gaining the long term effects of speaking the truth.

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