Category Archives: Singles

Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Starting this week, I am going to create a series of blogs that I am calling The Ten Commandments of Marriage.  I hope you enjoy them and will share them with others.images-6

1. Thou Shalt Love God Above All Else

To love your spouse, your children or yourself above God is simply wrong. Jesus said we were to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul and then love our neighbor as our self. Your closest neighbor is your spouse, but love them next to God. Did you catch that “as you love yourself” part? That means, in order to be able to love another so deeply we must be able to know the love of God for ourselves. Unless we know and fully understand that He is madly in love with us, are fulfilled in His acceptance and know His approval, we will lack in our love toward our spouse. Ephesians says it this way, “…no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” You cannot hate yourself, while at the same time, claim to love your mate. You are one.

2. Thou Shalt Not be Self-consumed or Walk in Selfish Ambition

Selfish ambition is being filled with immaturity and will kill a marriage faster than anything. Selfish ambition is defined in the Bible as acting on your own for your greater good, not walking in humility, interested only in yourself and, lastly, being filled with vain conceit (Philippians 2:3,4) We are strictly commanded to be like Christ who became a servant and even though He was God, never considered equality with God by giving up His divine privileges (NLT). Are you serving and looking for ways to serve your spouse on a daily basis? There is no 50/50 deal in marriage; it is a one hundred percent devotion to serve and care for the other first. Marriage exposes how self-centered we actually are and can either destroy our relationship or expose our need to change. Marriage is not about me or having my needs met, but rather asking God to help me partner with Him in blessing my spouse.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Singles

Doing a One Eighty at Thirty Seven Thousand Feet

Last week I was in the middle of flying out of the country to spend time with several churches that I have the privilege of serving.  We were at 37,000 feet over the Atlantic and almost half way to our destination, having left Charlotte, NC two hours earlier, when the pilot came on the intercom and announced that we would be returning to the states – Miami, in fact.  None of the passengers, including myself, had realized that the plane had already completed its 180-degree turn around and was headed northwest rather than southeast.  This huge plane, a Boeing 757, with every available seat filled to capacity with mostly tourists completely changed directions and no one knew any different.

I got to thinking about that…  Could we be experiencing a 180-degree turn in our marriage and never have a clue?  Could we as believers experience a 180-degree turn in our devotional life or even our faith and not realize it?  Could our nation be experiencing a 180-degree turn away from a biblical truth and we do not know the Word of God well enough to realize what’s happening right before our eyes?  The scriptures tell us that the enemy of our souls…”masquerades as an angel of light.”  He can make something look good or enticing when in fact it is 180 degrees the opposite of the will of God.  Are you headed in the godly direction that you thought you were in every area of life?  “Lord, reveal to each of us the direction of our heart and soul.”

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Marriage, Mission Report, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Addis Ababa and Other Such Places (Part II)

Once landing in Kampala, Uganda it was an amazing time of ministry to children, teens, a local DOVE International church, leaders and couples.  These precious people are both hungry for more of God’s principles, as well as, an encouragement in areas of prayer and faith-filled living.  The Ugandan’s are an industrious people who seem to be working from daylight to after dark alongside a small kerosene lantern in order to provide for their families.  There are literally thousands of little stands selling shoes, meat, handmade furniture, jewelry, etc.  They are not dependent on others for their survival and I never heard them complain about life circumstances.  I was privileged to be spending a week with them.

After hearing a teaching on biblical submission, one precious woman of God commented, “This is so freeing to us as woman and so encouraging for our husbands.”  When I gave the overnight homework assignment of writing their own couple mission statement for their marriages, they returned the next morning with excitement to share their paragraphs.  It was as if new life was breathed into their marriage relationship.  One young pastor asked, “But what do I do if my wife will not agree to my vision?”  I then challenged the personal pronoun of the word “I” and the possessive word of “my” and asked them to think in terms of “our.”  How simple and yet so radically different for him when thinking about future vision with his life partner who he is one with.

Do you have a marriage mission statement for your marriage?  It may just change the way you see submission, which literally means to come under the mission.

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Encouragement, Singles

Living Life as a Single is a Godly Option

Throughout the Old Testament there was no option of living single.  I’ve been told that there was not even a Hebrew word for bachelor.  During this time, young Israelites married early and had children.  It is what was expected.  Perhaps most who married were actually teenagers when they spoke their vows entering into the covenant of marriage.  But, the New Testament provides another option.

One day Jesus was being questioned about divorce and where He stood on Moses allowing divorce.  Jesus replies that divorce was not God’s idea (it was not this way from the beginning), but man’s idea, out of the hardness of his heart.  He goes on to say something extremely radical for those who lived under the law.  Jesus actually provided an alternative to marriage, something that did not exist in Israel.  He said that some would renounce marriage because of the kingdom of heaven (Mt. 19:11,12).  In other words, Jesus allowed singleness for the sake of the gospel of the kingdom.  The Pharisees must have been scratching their heads over that statement.

If you’re still single, you are not a half a person.  You are a whole person dedicated to kingdom building without the distraction of marriage and a family.  Go for it, be mobile, be committed, and be passionate and radical for your King.  If you desire to be married, you desire a good thing, but stay in the game of living for Jesus 24/7 and watch what He does for you.  He is the best matchmaker and He knows far more about you, what you desire and what you need than eHarmony.

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Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Saying,“I do,” What Happens at a Wedding

The mystery of two becoming one begins with a confession of two simple words, “I do.”  After almost 38 years of marriage, Mary and I “still do.”  This past Easter Sunday I watched as my mother and father-in-law held hands to pray over their meal together.  After 71 years of marriage, they “still do.”  Little did we understand those two, almost insignificant, words at our marriage ceremony, but here’s a bit of insight into what they actually mean or will mean when you speak them.

Prior to the wedding ceremony, both the man and the woman are under the authority of another(s) – their parents.  When saying, “I do,” there is an exchange of authority in order to leave and cleave.  The father and mother give their daughter away and there is a name change.  There is an exchange of possessions.  What is his is now also hers and what is hers becomes his.  There is a releasing of singleness so that in mind, body, soul and spirit two become one.  All past dating relationships are left in order to cling to this one and only this one.  There is a new sense of responsibility for another.  There is a new sense of submission and giving of oneself for another.  Two now embrace all expenses and debt brought into the marriage. There are many additional family and friend relationships taken on.  Finally, while perhaps not realized at the time, two very different people will grow and change over the course of time as they live life and walk out those two simple words, “I do.”

Why don’t you send your spouse a card today and let them know you “still do.”

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Children, Encouragement, Leadership, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

We are told that we can speak 125 – 150 words a minute, but typically we think around 300 words a minute.  Those numbers themselves provide an inward conflict with the act of listening.  High school and college campus’s run courses on public speaking, but when is the last time you had the opportunity to sign up for a public listening course?  Most of us want to talk and be listened to rather than take the concentration needed to stop and really hear someone.  I heard someone say recently that hearing is a function of the ear, but listening is a function of your will.

When we listen we are exercising an expression of love.  We are saying this person is important enough to me to be listened to.  Proverbs has a way of cutting to the chase when it says, “ He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”  (Proverbs 18:13)  If we are constantly interrupting our spouse in order to interject our “important” thought, we have stopped listening and are thinking about our reply.  Do you realize people pay counselors $150.00 and more for fifty minutes of their time and feel better when leaving their office?  Some even fall in love with their therapist just because they feel validated and cared for.  What was the therapist’s secret?  He/she listened.  James admonished us to be quick to listen and slow to speak…pretty good advice for 2013.  Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Uncategorized

Are We Really That Old?

Last evening we had a wonderful family time celebrating our younger son’s birthday.  He’ll soon be 32 years old and will any day now be a father himself.  I asked my wife, Mary, “Are we really that old?”  Could we be old enough and be married long enough to have a son his age?  She assured me without hesitation that we are, but then quickly added, “…but, how blessed we are as well.”  I couldn’t agree more.  If we get our eyes on our failing bodies, our forgetful minds or our lack of retirement funds, we can quickly become restless, worried or even discontent.

Thirty seven and a half years ago, one man and one woman said, “I do.”  It was a hot, sweaty day with no air conditioning in the church building where we were married.  The service was long and the intense heat made it seem even longer.  One man called to one woman would produce thee amazing children who will produce children through the creative act of God called marriage.  “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him,” was God’s observation.  The Lord anesthetized Adam, took one of his ribs and fashioned a woman called Eve.  When Adam awoke he saw that which was created just for him and he exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…”  And God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

When it comes to Marriage, Do you have a Consumer’s Mentality or a Committed Mentality?

Imagine you’re at the “husband restaurant” looking over the menu.  Your waiter comes and you ask him, “Do you have any of those good-looking husbands who are tall, lean and somewhat handsome (“somewhat,” because too attractive causes problems with other women)?”  Your waiter assures you there are a few remaining.  You then add,”…a little smart on the side, but not too smart (you need to be able to win the arguments), skilled with his hands…a mister-fixer-upper would be nice.”  “Oh, and for dessert, I’ll have some of that, “likes housework over sports and spending time with the guys.”  The problem is that when your server brings him he’s undercooked, green, can’t do a thing with his hands or he’s overcooked and thinking he knows it all.  He’s not tender and he is clueless when it comes to emotional issues.  You tell your waiter, “Take him back, he’s not at all what I ordered; in fact, I think you brought me someone else’s order by mistake!”  Consumerrrrr.

When we marry, most spouses are a little rough around the edges, but God loves rough around the edges – He specializes in it.  He will use your spouse in your life to tenderize you and bring you truth.  At times it hurts, but if you remain teachable it will “hurt good.”  Consumers criticize their mate’s brokenness, but the committed fight for him or her with a redemptive spirit.  The consumer tries to change their mate to be more like themselves.  Their thought process goes something like this, “If he were more like me and the way I think and act then married life would be so much easier.”  Their core belief is, “My way is the right way.”   The committed are thinking, “It’s not my way or his way, but our way.”  The committed have thoughts, words and actions toward the redemptive purposes of God in their marriage.  The committed are not making unfair comparisons, but are walking by faith toward a deeper level of connection.  The reason?  They realize the deep need for the same level of commitment and grace for themselves.

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Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Loving Women/Respecting Men

Why do you think the scripture tells men to love their wife and women to respect their husband?  (See Ephesians 5:33)  Something that seems to come natural to women is love; they know how to love deeply.  Wives thrive on loving words and actions.  Men need women because women teach men how to love.  Mothers are so amazing when it comes to loving unconditionally.  Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s a face only a mother could love?”  Love is natural for a woman; therefore, she naturally desires love from her husband.  A woman can love to her own detriment.  I have known women who love men who abuse them.

On the other hand, the scriptures indicate that men are to be respected.  Do men not need love?  No, but ask a man would he rather feel (un)love from his mate or disrespect?  Respect literally means to give honor.  A woman says, “How can I show respect if I am not loved?”   A man expresses, “How do I love if I am not feeling respected?”  Where did this begin?  Listen to this paraphrase of Genesis 3:15 written by Hebrew scholar, Ronald Allen, “God then spoke to the woman as a consequence of her rebellion…I will magnify your pain in giving birth.  I will also allow pain to come into your marriage relationship…you will tend to desire to usurp the role I have given to him (your husband) as the compassionate leader in your home, rejecting his role and belittling his manhood.  And the man on his part will tend to relate to you in loveless tyranny, dominating and stifling your integrity as an equal partner to himself.”

To be continued…

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

The Ten Most Important Lessons after 37 Years of Marriage

Number Two: Marriage is NOT about me

Do you know what the number one break-up of marriage is?  I do not believe it’s finances, sex, communication or even incompatibility (whatever that is).  I have come to believe that the number one break-up of marriage is selfishness.  Selfishness is at the core of the fall of man; it is at the core of each of us from infancy.  We want what we want and our culture reinforces that we can have it.  But marriage is not a once and done decision to get what we want.  It is not like working toward a college degree that once all assignments are handed in and tests passed, we’ve completed it and we’re finished.  Someone has said that marriage is like entering kindergarten; it’s the beginning.  When we enter kindergarten we soon discover that we are not the center of the universe and we do not get our needs met first.  We must learn to share, be kind to others and cooperate with the educational program or we will never learn a thing.

I have seen guys take better care of their cars than their wife.  I have observed women who bend over backwards to accommodate and care for their children, while clearly delivering a message to their husbands that they are of lesser priority than the children.  Philippians 2:3 & 4 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but consider others [your spouse?] better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  It literally means to serve another or put their needs before your own.  Marriage is not about having your needs met, however; it is about meeting the needs of another, your spouse.  Can you imagine a relationship where both husband and wife are putting God first and then placing their spouse second as a life priority? That kind of marriage can begin today with you.

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