Tag Archives: communication

Challenge, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Is Your Marriage Growing Closer or Distancing?

Marriage relationships are typically gaining ground or losing ground, becoming closer or creating distance. Let me share a few examples:

A silence after a disagreement = distance

Boredom sets into the relationship = distance

Tension due to differing goals or desires = distance

The loss of intimacy or sexual oneness = distance

Unforgiveness = distance

What are some examples of growing in closeness?

Agreement with our budget = closeness financially

Praying together = closeness to God and one another

Maintaining date nights = closeness in fun and communication

Maintaining our physical oneness = intimacy closeness

Taking daily time to hear one another’s heart = closeness shared openly and honestly

We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced times of deep connection in our marriage and times of boredom or discontent with our marriage. Sometimes life becomes mundane and we take our marriages for granted or we simply become lazy with finding time for each other, communicating and going out on a date. We let our sexual lives lapse as we prioritize so many other things in life over our own intimacy connections. 

When we feel distance in our relationship let’s call it out, expose it, confess it and work at getting back on track. Honest feelings shared can bring honest solutions. Allowing distance to grow makes it more difficult to return to closeness. 

Take some time to share several ways in which you can grow and maintain your closeness as a couple.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Goals for Our Marriage

We have personal goals, work goals, financial goals and spiritual goals. What are the goals for your marriage? Where is your marriage going and how will you get there?

Sometimes in our marriage we are so today-focused that we do not take the time to think about tomorrow. Where do you desire your marriage to be in a year, five years, or ten years? 

Key: If you do not plant those seeds today, you will never reach your desired “harvest” or goal tomorrow. 

I know, I know, not everyone thinks in terms of goals, especially goals for your marriage, but this blog is written to every marriage out there. You never reach a goal without planning and taking steps toward the goal. 

Mary and I desired to retire our mortgage within ten years. We prayed. We placed extra money on the principle every month. We placed windfalls, tax returns, every extra dollar we could to reach that goal. Month after month and year after year we worked hard and in agreement toward the goal of paying off our home. Did we reach our goal in ten years? No, but that didn’t stop us or discourage us. We plugged away at it and not long thereafter reached our goal. 

For many years we loved taking our family vacations with our children. In time, our children were all married, but they still desired to do a family vacation. We made that happen as often as we could, but at the same time realized we had no personal vacation planned as a couple. 

Our goal became planning a year ahead for a week of vacation by ourselves. We have been doing so ever since. This goal helped us to have a loving, intimate and separate time together without caring, cooking and cleaning for others. 

When you create goals for your marriage, you’ll find yourself identifying areas that need strengthening. As a goal is communicated, prayed through and acted upon, your marriage will grow in connection. Goals for your marriage will keep you focused toward a future desire that will also build intimacy and commitment. 

Set aside some time at the local café and discuss a goal or two for your marriage. You will never regret it!

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child? 

At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence. 

How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not. 

First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line. 

Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:

  • Understand / Discover

Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.  Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.

  • Set Aside Time; The Right Time

Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.

  • Agreement and Staying on the Subject

Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.

  • Appreciate and Identify the Needs

Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.

  • Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution 

Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.

James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God. 

Your choice – fight and argue or pray and agree.

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