Tag Archives: relationships

Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Are You Play Deficient in Your Marriage?

You’re happily married. In fact, you’d do it all over again, right? But now there are so many intense responsibilities. Multiple others are depending upon you. Life is serious and you’re right in the middle of it with or without fun. 

Fun is now something you have to remind yourself of or, God forbid, actually plan. Play was so easy when we were merely engaged to be married. It came so naturally without much effort. Now it seems like we need to make it a goal for our marriage. 

The Bible tells us that laughter is like medicine. It’s true. Here are some of the medicinal effects laughter does for us: it’s a natural pain killer; it reduces blood pressure; it decreases depression and anxiety; it boosts the immune system; it’s just good for our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Let’s take it a step further. What is fun for you as a couple? What is energizing? What fun things replenish you? Discovering these things for us as individuals is great and necessary, but discovering them for our marriage is energizing for a play deficient marriage. 

Perhaps you’re in a stage of marriage where you are raising young children. Fun with them as parents is important, but taking time for the two of you is just as important. Or, maybe you’re at a stage where you’re spending a lot of time together. Be sure to plan fun activities so boredom does not set in. 

My wife and I had nonchalantly driven by a local Harley Davidson factory for many years and then we found out they offer free tours. Wow, what a fun morning that was. We live in a farming community. We discovered one of the large farming operations in our area offers daily tours. It was fun to see this operation up front and close. Museums, libraries, flea markets, yard sales, antique shops, an unplanned overnight, reading a joke book, funny YouTube videos, or coffee shops can all be inviting places of fun. 

Fun does not have to be expensive or days away. It needs to show up daily in your marriage. Study your spouse and find out what makes them laugh. Then go for it. It will build something refreshing in your marriage. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

Goals for Our Marriage

We have personal goals, work goals, financial goals and spiritual goals. What are the goals for your marriage? Where is your marriage going and how will you get there?

Sometimes in our marriage we are so today-focused that we do not take the time to think about tomorrow. Where do you desire your marriage to be in a year, five years, or ten years? 

Key: If you do not plant those seeds today, you will never reach your desired “harvest” or goal tomorrow. 

I know, I know, not everyone thinks in terms of goals, especially goals for your marriage, but this blog is written to every marriage out there. You never reach a goal without planning and taking steps toward the goal. 

Mary and I desired to retire our mortgage within ten years. We prayed. We placed extra money on the principle every month. We placed windfalls, tax returns, every extra dollar we could to reach that goal. Month after month and year after year we worked hard and in agreement toward the goal of paying off our home. Did we reach our goal in ten years? No, but that didn’t stop us or discourage us. We plugged away at it and not long thereafter reached our goal. 

For many years we loved taking our family vacations with our children. In time, our children were all married, but they still desired to do a family vacation. We made that happen as often as we could, but at the same time realized we had no personal vacation planned as a couple. 

Our goal became planning a year ahead for a week of vacation by ourselves. We have been doing so ever since. This goal helped us to have a loving, intimate and separate time together without caring, cooking and cleaning for others. 

When you create goals for your marriage, you’ll find yourself identifying areas that need strengthening. As a goal is communicated, prayed through and acted upon, your marriage will grow in connection. Goals for your marriage will keep you focused toward a future desire that will also build intimacy and commitment. 

Set aside some time at the local café and discuss a goal or two for your marriage. You will never regret it!

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

The Five-Step Conditioning Process of Pornography

The stats are frightening as pornography use creeps down to eleven-year-old kids. Eighty five percent of teenage young men are viewing porn at an alarming rate. There are over 400 million pornographic pages available on over four million websites. Pornography use is said to increase marital infidelity by 300%! And those are only a few of the statistics available today exposing this horrific cancer in our society. 

How does it grow from curiosity to a full-blown addiction? What is the process that takes place? If we can identify that, we stand somewhat of a chance to avoid an addiction. 

Psychologists tell us there are five steps:

  • Introduction/ exposure – There is some form of exposure to porn, typically by a “friend.” This often takes place during the childhood years. 
  • Habit/compulsion – Those who continually and frequently expose themselves to porn find they have to continually return for more – another high. This begins the chemical process or wash over the brain causing sexual stimulation and the need for more. 
  • Intensification – The previous highs are not enough, so the user looks for more exotic forms of sexual behavior for stimulation. 
  • Desensitization – What is abnormal becomes normal sexually. Nothing is too shocking or aberrant. The concern of hurting others gets lost in the pursuit of the next sexual experience or high. 
  • Acting upon one’s fantasy/imagination – Eventually we will enact upon what we have seen and what we find pleasurable. These behaviors will be required from a spouse, a prostitute, a date or a minor. This often results in rape. 

The escalation of use occurs because we tell ourselves we’re simply being entertained with something that is harmless. After all, God created men, women and sex. But the more porn we feed our brain, the more extreme forms of it are necessary to become aroused. 

Have you ever noticed the number of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs that are advertised on TV? Do you know why? Pornography. Younger and younger men with a porn addiction cannot function normally due to porn use. The addiction is stealing from them. Real life partners become bad porn. No woman or man can compete with the airbrushed perfect images displayed in pornography.

Pornography is killing marriages today. If you want to undermine or destroy your marriage, pornography use is a good way to do it. It will completely diminish any level of trust that you have built over your years of marriage. Pornography use opens doors that you do not want to open. 

Here’s the truth: pornography is fake! Every page, every site, every movie is fake. All of it is built on lies like, “It’s an innocent distraction; it’s harmless.” Meanwhile, it is literally destroying your life, your marriage and it has the potential to destroy your family. 

Is viewing pornography sin? Yes. We are engaging in sexual immorality and dishonoring God’s design for intimacy within the confines of marriage: one man with one woman. Pornography use will never take us where God ultimately desires to take us in our walk with Him. 

Stay tuned to part two of pornography when we look at some answers to help move away from this sin. 

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Challenge, Children, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

Conflicts in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child? 

At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence. 

How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not. 

First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line. 

Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:

  • Understand / Discover

Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict.  Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.

  • Set Aside Time; The Right Time

Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.

  • Agreement and Staying on the Subject

Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.

  • Appreciate and Identify the Needs

Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.

  • Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution 

Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.

James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God. 

Your choice – fight and argue or pray and agree.

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Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Asking Long-Term Marriage Questions

We were flying all day and came to a pause in our conversation when I decided to start asking my bride of 49 years a few questions. She played along politely. We started with these two queries:

  • What are you enjoying about our marriage relationship in our present season?
  • What is not so enjoyable or a challenge in our present season of marriage?

It provoked some really good and interesting responses. I don’t know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy these types of questions and I think our long-term marriage deserves them. I tend to think long term marriages take way too much for granted and simply fail to dig into the issues at times. For some of us, we’d rather avoid such questions for fear of the answers and what might follow honest responses. 

But for those secure marriages that are deep, communicative and safe, the challenge is welcomed. It’s refreshing to take a break and talk about us, our hopes and our dreams. 

Two more questions that followed were:

  • What are you looking forward to in the next season of marriage?
  • What gives you pause concerning our next season of marriage?

Because we do dream about a “next season,” it is fun to project some thoughts, some “what ifs” and some hopes. If there is a pause or two, then we can discuss that and begin to work our way through it as preventatively as possible. 

One last question we dug into at 35,000 feet:

  • What is on your marriage bucket list?

That was fun! I learned a thing or two. I know her better. I heard her thoughts. I care about our present and our future. 

Try it. There are still things to learn from a long- term marriage.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Value of Kissing

Kissing. Who knew its scientific value? Who could imagine that this form of affection actually brought comfort, security, emotional satisfaction and even released feel good endorphins?

In a Psychology Today article from 2023, key lessons were explored when it came to kissing. There were obvious, predictable and emotionally boosting improvements discovered in the relationships that prioritize kissing. 

First, what does a kiss do? It is a sensual connection within marriage that communicates affection and even deepens the relationship. Kissing reduces stress, tension and anxiety. Kissing boosts our immune systems through the trading of saliva. Kissing releases dopamine to improve one’s mood and foster more contentment. It is a non-verbal form of communication that speaks volumes, especially on the romantic side of marriage. 

The article went on to share, “A skilled kisser is more likely to be in sync with their partner’s needs…and it promotes higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.” Why? Because kissing is not just a physical connection but it also connects us emotionally. It is being in the moment with your mate. When we kiss, we are continuing to build a healthy relationship, an emotional charge and a physiological enhancement to our marriage. 

These are all psychological benefits that improve our overall marriage satisfaction and should never be underestimated as a powerful tool for keeping the flame burning. Regardless of how long you are married, don’t lose the art, the connection and the value of a kiss.

Kiss when you leave the house.

Kiss when you return.

Kiss when praying together.

Kiss as you retire for the evening.

Kiss in front of the children and kiss for no reason at all.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Small Groups, Training, Women

A Marriage Mentoring Group is Born

Multiple younger couples were either coming to us or we were having them over to our home for a meal. It seemed apparent they were looking for marriage mentors, a spiritual mom and dad to walk with them and share some helpful marriage principles. 

And so, it began. Ten groups and ten years later we are still excited about marriage mentoring. We grab four couples, hand picking them to invite to our group. They should not be on the verge of divorce or in desperate need of counseling. This is not a counseling group. This is a group that receives care, concern and input, but also gives it to the other couples. It is their group, not ours. My wife and I are the facilitators. 

We use our book Staying Together, Marriage: A Lifelong Affair and go through it chapter by chapter. We begin in February and end the following January on a weekend retreat together. We meet once per month on a Tuesday evening with dinner together; everyone helps with the meal. 

That first hour around the table is full of reporting about the last month, prayer requests, jokes and laughter, fun and fellowship. The following two hours are in our living room sharing our experiences and questions in marriage provoked by the reading assignment. We laugh, we cry and we pray. We talk, we get passionate and we get real about our lives as married couples. 

Mary, my wife says, “This is my very favorite group all month. We love these ‘kids’ and we love their authentic, truth-filled responses.” If you are a happily married, seasoned couple with a heart for marriage, you can duplicate this very group. Young couples are just waiting to be asked. They are a hungry generation looking for help to succeed in their marriages. They long for parents who will encourage them, tell them they’re wrong at times and provide loving examples to them. The book will help you and guide you with plenty of questions, but it will take a back seat to the relationships that are built. 

Do you want the divorce statistics to decrease? Then take my challenge and start your own marriage mentoring group. Meet consistently once a month for one year and you will change lives and build memories for a lifetime. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Intimacy Anorexia

It’s not my term. Author and speaker Dr. Doug Weiss coined the term and states it’s why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from their partner. He writes that some of those issues can be identified as:

  • Keeping themselves busy with child care, household tasks, technology or work. Too busy for you, but not others.
  • Blaming you [or others] for the loss of intimacy rather than exploring potential patterns in their own behavior.
  • Withholding love, especially in the way you desire to receive it.
  • They stop complementing you.
  • Have little to no interest in sex.
  • Show little interest in connecting on a spiritual level.
  • Avoid talking about their feelings and not connecting on an emotional level.
  • Treat you more like a roommate and not a romantic partner.
  • Have money control issues or desire to control the money.
  • Have anger outbursts, ignore you or give you the silent treatment.

Wiess states it doesn’t take all these issues, maybe just five of them to experience sexual anorexia. He believes many persons who survive some form of sexual abuse will respond in this way to their marriage partners. 

Further, these relationships can be full of frequent criticism, including criticism of things one cannot change. 

Persons who exhibit these types of behaviors have more than likely experienced something traumatic in their growing up years. In their adult world, however, they are attempting to avoid the pain of their misguided view by avoiding intimacy. 

Intimacy requires trust in a relationship. It requires vulnerability. It requires safety and, of course, that all important ingredient: love.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage brings glory to God.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage draws marriages closer to God and one another.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage is always centered on your spouse.

Sexual intimacy within the boundary of marriage promotes deeper love, commitment and pleasure.

If you find yourself battling with any of the above descriptions of intimacy anorexia, please see a counselor who is familiar with the subject.  

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