It can be difficult to acknowledge anger at God.

I can recall a time in my younger years when I was serving in a mission’s environment, not being paid, struggling to provide for my family, and struggling in my leadership. Other staff were stressed too–with life and most likely with me. It caused a tremendous amount of pain, pain I did not sign up for.

After months of anguish, early one morning I walked behind the barn and raised my fist to God. Indignantly I said, no yelled, “You called me to this place, but I didn’t ask for this level of pain in leadership! It’s unbearable, miserable, and unmanageable! I just can’t take it any longer!” Immediately I felt condemnation for expressing my anger at my holy, heavenly Father in such a loud, unholy way. But then I heard that voice I knew so well.

It’s that quiet voice. A voice of comfort and a voice of reason. In that moment of anger, God was listening and now God was replying. He, without alarm or a hint of now-you’re-going-to-get-it in His voice said, “You’re privileged.” “I’m what?”, still feeling wronged and taken advantage of. Again, He said, “You’re privileged.” Now clearly frustrated, I boldly questioned, “And what’s that supposed to mean?” “Not everyone can pass this test of leadership” came the response. “Oh, it’s a test…I see,” as my heart began to calm.

So, let me see if I understand, “I am privileged to be tested in this way and, God, You have Your hand in this test.” “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.” As I thought about those words, “I am privileged” I couldn’t help but also think how kindly and carefully my Father was putting it. He could have said, “It’s only morons like you that I have to test in such a severe manner because you just don’t get it any other way!” Most likely what He should have said. But He didn’t.

I still carry that incident with me to this day and quite honestly, it was a privilege. I was privileged to be tested in the way He was testing me. I was being refined. It was leadership 101 and He was growing me. As I look back, I am glad that I was honest with my Father, but I’m even more glad that He answered and was honest with me.

My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. (Proverbs 3:11-12)

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. (Hebrews 12:7-8)