In light of recent news articles about sexual abuse coming out of Pennsylvania, I thought it appropriate to consider this subject in brief.
I sat in my counseling office with a counselee and her mentor (on more than one occasion) who was telling me about her years of growing up in a conservative church environment and how she was repeatedly sexually molested. Some of the stories made my stomach ache and with others I found myself getting angry: angry at parents who didn’t believe their son or daughter, angry at youth leaders who did not address the danger, angry at church pastors and leaders that kept secrets and provided cover-up and, of course, angry at abusers.
Sex offenders will take years to infiltrate a place to carry out their sociopathic behavior. They will slowly and methodically work on building relationships so they are trusted and believed. Sex offenders’ scope out their victims, finding the one(s) whom they believe they can dominate. They feel entitled to do what they do because they see their victims as persons who desire to be dominated, need to be dominated. They take their time to target persons who need them for some reason, making them even more vulnerable.
Here are some signs to look for:
- They do not make themselves stand out or act creepy. They work hard at looking and exhibiting “normal.” They work a normal job and live in a normal neighborhood.
- They are giving extra, special, generous and consistent attention to a victim they have targeted. They are charmers and gift givers.
- They will create an environment of need. They desire the victim to need them for some specific reasons. This gives them power and control to manipulate.
- They play on emotions and will sulk, become “depressed,” express words of rejection, play the victim and could even threaten self harm all in an effort to take advantage of their victim and receive their pity.
- They lie a lot.They lie about where they have been, what they have been doing, what they’re thinking and almost everything else in an attempt to give their victims what they think they desire to hear or need.
- They will be steadily pushing boundaries. There will be suggestions of behavior that crosses boundaries that will lead to unwanted actions.
- They will disempower their victim by expressing love in an attempt to isolate and move away from other trusted relationships.
- Eventually, as the victim becomes more uncomfortable, the predator becomes more aggressive and even violent because they are feeling desperate.
We don’t spot them because they blend in and we’re not naturally looking for a predator. In fact, most of us can’t even relate to such evil. With the signs above you can watch out for your children within your extended family, your neighborhood, your child’s school, sports activities and yes, your local church.
Psalm 55: 21 says, “His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords.”
My grandson often repeats, “Papaw, did you see me…” or, “Watch me…” You can fill in the blank with almost anything he does or desires to be noticed doing. It can be a really small thing, however he still longs to be observed. He lives for that voice of approval and praise. It’s a child thing, right
There’s a new word in town. Have you heard of it? That word is a combination of two words: phone + snubbing = phubbing. Do you know a “phubber?” How would one know if this describes them? You can start by asking your friends. Ask your spouse or even better, ask your children. If people in your life are trying to get your attention while you’re looking down at a small hand-held screen all too frequently, you just might have a phubbing problem.
I just want to scream, “PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN AND LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD!” You brought them into the world to teach, train, listen to, care for, play with and love. PLEASE put your device aside and interact with your child.
At first I was a bit taken aback by the expression that was just spoken half jokingly. It went like this, “We’re always in agreement; we do what she says.” Do you find yourself all too often acquiescing to your spouse’s desires in order to head off an argument? Should you be doing that?
Recently Mary and I, along with an auditorium full of people, attended a memorial service for a 19-year-old woman. She lost her earthly life in the recent Lancaster County, PA flooding.
I was awake at 3:30 AM in order to catch an early morning flight.
There was a study conducted by professor emeritus Robert Rosenthal of Harvard University in which he told elementary school teachers that some of their students were “intellectual bloomers.” Then the teachers were told the students names, who had been randomly selected, and also told that those particular students would excel in the forthcoming year.
I absolutely love being a grandparent. I have been named, “Papaw.” What an honor to hold, to love and to care for these little ones. To hear the words, “Papaw’s home” is music to my ears as it reminds me of when my children were small. I wrote a former blog that called, “Grandparenting a Lost Art” and it is, but it is as well, a second chance.
Why don’t you have an extramarital affair? Seriously, be honest with yourself and answer the question. What did you come up with? If I could guarantee you will never be found out, you’ll never get caught, would your answer change?
Steve Prokopchak 