Author Archives: calledtogether

Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Politics

Did Your Favored Presidential Candidate Win or Lose?

In every election and every sporting event there is a winner and there is a loser. It’s inevitable. You chose your team, you cheer and you campaign, but you know from the start there is a winner and a loser. You hope and pray for the win, all the while knowing you and your choice could suffer a loss.

Perhaps your candidate lost the election or maybe your candidate won. Think about the fact that for many people, too many people most likely, the candidate they voted for won, but that candidate was not who they felt fully represented them or their personal values.

However, here is a key factor: how do you respond when you lose and how do you respond when you win? Do you go on social media and rub your win in the face of others? Do you whine and complain that the other team cheated or the officiating was terrible? Your response is up to you and you alone. No one cares for sore losers and no one really embraces those who loudly and obnoxiously brag about their win. 

Do you wear that win or loss on your sleeve? In other words, are you angry, depressed, silent or are you boastful and loud, arrogant and taking to the streets with an, “I told you so” attitude? Winning is fun, adrenalin-filled and there is an amazing comradery with those you aligned yourself alongside in a win. Losing is hard, frustrating and sometimes emotionally draining. If a loss is determined to be someone/something significant enough, we can lose sleep, we can look for someone to blame or we can even give up hope for a future win. It’s all up to us and what we tell ourselves. 

What is the solution? We need to place those wins and those losses into their proper perspective. Is losing the game worth being angry about? Is it worth writing a letter to the editor of the sports column? Is it worth higher blood pressure or is it really of a lesser life value than we are making it ? 

Here is a very important question to ask ourselves: what impact does the winner (of this election) have on me personally, i.e., what God has called me to do for Him?

Going forward with a perspective from God’s word

Isaiah wrote these amazing words: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” We love those words, but did you know earlier in chapter 40 of Isaiah it states this: “He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. To whom will you compare me?” Elections can go either way, but it is God who raises up or reduces.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21)

If losing separates you from those who won or vice versa, you have effectively allowed the results to determine your mindset rather than allowing love to prevail. We must continue to, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” (Luke 10:27)

And finally, with your whole heart pray for your leaders (I Timothy 2:1-2). Prayer will keep your heart, mind and attitude in a better place. When you do not agree with or even like your boss, you are still submissive to their leadership and their requirements. 

“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended.” (Romans 13:1-3)

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Wearing Multiple Hats

How many hats do you wear? Let’s see: there’s our work hat, our husband/wife hat, our mother/father hat, our hobby hat, our grandmother or grandfather hat – you get the picture. We all wear multiple hats. A problem can arise when we are walking into our kitchen at home while still wearing our work hat. Or, we’re wearing our father hat in our work meeting, treating our staff like our kids. 

How do you successfully change from your work hat to your spouse/parent hat before walking in the door? I served as a marriage and family counselor for over fifteen years. I struggled listening to marital issues or abuse issues all day and then arriving home ready to be a father and husband. Some days I felt overwhelmed with other people’s problems and could be guilty of “carrying” them home with me. It is not a good scenario for anyone. What to do…

  • First, I had a 35 – 40-minute drive between my home and my office. I began to use it to decompress. We need space between our work and our home so we can successfully change hats. I feel for that farmer who walks into his kitchen directly from his barn where he had to deal with an uncooperative milk cow. Intentionally take the time to pray and to give your day to God. Give each person, each issue, your boss and coworker to God. Hand over your client’s issues or your congregant’s needs to your heavenly Father. You cannot carry them through the threshold of your residence or your mind will not arrive with your body. 
  • Secondly, give God thanks for your job, the problems there and those persons you work with. Have a thankful heart even in the midst of stress-filled days. 
  • Further, change focus by beginning to think about the needs of your spouse and your children. Doing this will move your thoughts from work or wherever you are coming from to your family.
  • If there were major issues that will carry over to the next day, ask God for solutions and then expect to hear from Him. When you hear, write them down and then leave them on that piece of paper until tomorrow. 
  • Stay off of your phone and give your attention to your family. Give your full attention so your spouse and children know you’re not at work, rather you’re fully engaged with them. 

Lastly, while it might seem counterproductive to what you have just read, do allow yourself to share an issue from your day at dinner around the table with your family. They do not need the names or the details, but they do need to hear that your workplace is not perfect and there are issues to discuss. That way your children will not just shrug their shoulders when asked to talk about their school day; they’ll follow your example of sharing in a vulnerable way.  

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Parents, Women

You Have Only Three Minutes to Say Goodbye!

There’s a new sign at the Wellington, New Zealand airport, “It’s hard to say goodbye, so make it quick. Max hug time three minutes.”

Not sure what you’ve observed at airports, but you can see almost every emotion, e.g., frustration, joy, sadness, tears, laughter and outbursts of anger. But when it comes to saying goodbye, apparently there’s a limit. The news article did not say how this new policy will be enforced. Will there be an airport guard with a stop watch? And who hugs for three minutes anyway? That feels awkward. 

It has even been voiced by the airport officials that if you desire a longer farewell you need to take it “outside the terminal.” The reason? “Lingering goodbyes cause traffic jams.” Oh, so that’s the problem!

We’ve been told that hugs and affection release oxytocin and serotonin along with dopamine. Hugs are actually good for us. We need the human connection.

What’s this blog really about? I want to remind you to frequently hug and hold her, kiss him and whisper in his ear. Hug your children and grandchildren, no matter how old they are. Tell them they are your favorite eleven-year-old and you love them unconditionally. Tell your spouse they are beautiful or handsome. Compliment them frequently. 

It’s fall in the northeastern U.S. Tell your spouse that no one rakes leaves as well as they do. Their leaf raking will take on a whole new meaning. Remind your spouse how much you appreciate them cleaning the house, scrubbing the bathroom, doing the wash, washing the car and shopping for groceries. It’s those mundane things we do daily that need noticed and encouraged. Imagine if these routines were never accomplished. Yuk!

Every day you have options to think of new ways to express thanks and speak encouragement over your life mate. Sow those seeds today, and tomorrow you’ll reap the benefits.

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Prayer, Training

Praying for Your Nation (Part II)

Praying for our nation is a biblical mandate! Let’s be faithful and faith-filled as we pray.

We wage war not against flesh and blood

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (II Corinthians 10:3-5)

As an active body of believers and those who do not shy away from warfare, we do wage war against the evil one. It is right and it is appropriate to use our authority given to us by the Holy Spirit to demolish strongholds along with anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God!

Pray for peace-filled elections and God’s mercy

We do not have to accept turmoil, rioting and civil unrest. God is bigger than that. We can lean on the faithfulness of God along with His mercy; it’s new every morning. 

Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23) 

Pray for the integrity of our elected leaders

Pray for leaders who realize they cannot do what they are elected to do without the grace and mercy of their God. Pray for their salvation and for a revelation of the love of God for them, the office they hold and the nation they serve. 

There is no perfect leader and there is no perfect nation. Without God at the center, imperfection reigns. We each need to search our own heart and allow God to test us. Integrity starts with you and me.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Pray in the Spirit

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. (Ephesians 6:18)

When we pray in the Spirit and in our prayer language, the enemy is unknowing to our prayer, to our intercession, our groaning for our nation. God will direct the heart of those we are praying for. Pray Proverbs 21:1.

In the Lord’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him.

Prayer is NOT inaction

Prayer is literally turning things over to God. It is saying we can’t handle it all. Prayer is walking away from worry and anxiety and putting our future into the hands of our living and loving God. Prayer is faith in action. Prayer is grappling with all of our concerns and then personalizing those concerns into a petition directed by Holy Spirit to our heavenly Father. Prayer is confessing our inability while at the same time confessing His ability in each and every situation.

  • We are to pray about everything (Philippians 4:6). 
  • We are to pray at all times (I Thessalonians 5:17). 
  • We are to confess out sins and pray for one another (James 5:17). 
  • We are to not be anxious, but pray (Philippians 4:6). 
  • We are to pour our hearts out to God (Psalms 62:8). 

Here is one of the best statements I have read when it comes to worry vs. prayer: “Worry is a conversation you have with yourself about things you cannot change. Prayer is a conversation you have with God about things He can change.” (source unknown)

Most times when we are praying, we are praying for our needs and our desires. We ask God for a lot of things. When is the last time you prayed asking God what He wants from you? How would He direct you to pray for your nation?

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Challenge, Encouragement, In the news, Issues of the Day, Prayer, Training

Praying for Your Nation (Part I)

                                   

There is a uniquely interesting scripture located in the book of Luke, chapter eighteen. It begins with an amazing promise and ends with one of the scariest questions from the Bible. 

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

Persistent prayer is the theme that Jesus was teaching. But He ends with a question and that question is a frightening one, a daunting one: will He find faith on the earth when He returns? Faith for what? For this article, our topic will be be faith and hope for our nation. 

It is being reported by Time magazine there are something like 64 nations which will have elections this year, along with the European Union representing 49% of the world’s population. Elections can change the course of a nation for years to come. These national elections can be polarizing, create disunity governmentally and in our communities. Even families today are not immune from political separation. It can be devastating to relationships at so many levels.

So how do we know that God is hearing our prayer for our nation? Have you read Psalm 2:8? “Ask of Me, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for your possession.” All we have to do is ask, just like the persistent widow asked.

The scriptural mandate of prayer for our nation

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— 2 for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3 This is good, and pleases God our Savior… (I Timothy 2:1-3)

As His church, we release the power of God to our nation in prayer. This scripture states that praying in this way pleases God our Savior. In other words, He desires us to pray in this way. In our intercession we pray God’s word and we release the Spirit of God to do what He does so well. We declare the truth of His word in our prayers by Christ’s name, in His authority.

Praying for our nation or the nations is a macro level prayer effort. We are looking beyond our region, our city and our neighborhood. We are compelled to seek a higher ground in prayer in order to “see” and then petition our Father for what He sees. 

Prayer keeps our heart right

You cannot speak against your nation if you are at the same time praying for your nation. You cannot speak ill will of a political candidate if you are praying for him/her. Prayer keeps our heart right. 

Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. (Jeremiah 29:7)

Pray even if you do not know what to pray

The Spirit of God will guide you. 

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (Romans 8:26)

It’s simple to realize that the immediate response from heaven is not, “Okay, now that you have petitioned Me, let’s bring the answer to that prayer.” Perhaps it’s more like our faithful and faith-filled consistent prayer along with others joining us which weakens the enemy and strengthens the resolve of God. As more and more people are praying, more and more is stirred up in the heavenlies. 

We are longing for, praying for repentance

I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. None of them repent of their wickedness, saying, “What have I done?” Each pursues their own course like a horse charging into battle. (Jeremiah 8:6)

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 14:12)

Our nation needs an awakening. Our hearts and our minds need cleansing. We need to pound heaven with our own repentance and request that of our nation beginning with our national leaders. Pray for public repentance, house to house repentance and an unveiling of what is holding people back from confessing their sin to God. 

Further, ask God to bring godly sorrow to repentance. 

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (II Corinthians 7:10)

Please stay tuned for part II of this important message next week.

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Challenge, Healing, Identity, Issues of the Day, Men, Pornography, Singles, Women

Healing for Sexual Addictions

One thing we know from God, the Creator of sexuality, is that His love is completely satisfying. One thing we know from the evil one is that lust is insatiable and can never be satisfied. Pornography and lust are a drive to serve oneself rather than one’s life mate or others.

Viewing pornography may start through curiosity, attempts to fill a void, the need to heal or cover up a deep wound, or just a desire to escape. But escapes have a way of becoming addictions. These could include food, alcohol, TV, novels, caffeine, or many other categories of addictive behavior. Addictions have a way of pulling us away from God, the One who provides a true way of escape. 2 Timothy 2:26 says, “And that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

The New Testament Writers Acknowledge Our Struggle

Our human struggle with sexual intimacy and sin is acknowledged in Scripture. I love these verses that Paul writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: “But since there is so much immortality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each another except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:2–5).

Viewing porn as a “pastime” is extremely harmful and creates a way for the sexual exploitation of innocent victims. We all need to educate and raise awareness of these dangers in our families, communities, schools, and congregations.

Licentiousness (“debauchery” in the NIV) – This means “excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures, lacking virtue.” Sexual acts on display in pornographic material are acts of fornication because they involve sexual contact outside of marriage. To take part is to condone these acts and involve ourselves in the sin of licentiousness. (See 2 Corinthians 12:21.)

Lust – Pornographic materials are meant to generate sexual arousal in our flesh through lust. Lust, according to the Scripture, is sin. It is corruption of our spirit, our mind, and our flesh. (See Matthew 5:28 and James 1:14-15.)

Sensuality – According to Scripture, observing nakedness is a sinful behavior. For example, in Genesis 9:21–22, Noah’s son, Ham, was cursed because he observed his father’s nakedness, but his brothers Shem and Japheth covered their father with their faces turned the other way. 1 Corinthians 6:12–18 – The body is not for sexual immorality; we are told to flee from sexual immorality. Galatians 5:19 – The deeds of the flesh are immorality, impurity, and sensuality.

The Path to Freedom

A friend of mine told me, “When I was participating in porn, I genuinely loved God, but I also loved porn–at my soul level. At the same time, I also hated it because it brought shame, bondage, ongoing guilt and I wanted to be free. There is a false fulfillment with porn that connects with who I am. Growing up in a pretty strict home with a religion connected to performance, I felt that I could never please God. I just wasn’t good enough. However, when my heavenly Father brought to me the revelation of Ephesians 1: 4-6, I suddenly realized I was chosen, I was adopted, I was loved, and I was accepted as God’s son.” 

Despite so many challenges, certain foundational principles and action steps can lead you to the way of escape that God provides.

  1. God is love (1 John 4:8). If you know nothing else, know God’s love for you. It is inescapable, incomprehensible, determined, and relentless. He loves you and Jesus died for this sin on the cross. He does not reject you.
  2. We all struggle to maintain a clean heart. Many really good people also struggle with sin, even the sin of pornography. You are not alone. Whatever the effects of sin may be, grace is available in abundance to bring healing and freedom.
  3. Recognize that pornography affects the whole individual. God desires to cleanse and heal not only your mind, but longs to set you free from lust, fear, anxiety, wounds, frustration, emptiness, and shame. He died, naked and exposed, for sexual shame on the cross and says to us, “Shame off of you through my sacrifice.”
  4. Disclose and confess your sin to God, yourself, and others. Start being brutally truthful about yourself and your sin. Acknowledge that you have been walking in denial. Uncover the lies. Take full responsibility and recognize the gravity of your situation. Be ruthlessly truthful with yourself, your spouse, and your counselor. Receive God’s forgiveness, because He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sin (1 John 1:9).
  5. Embrace conviction of heart coming from the Holy Spirit and deeply repent. Allow God to bring you to a place of true repentance. Ask yourself, “Who is this hurting?” “What is this costing me in my relationships, finance, time, self-deprivation, and life goals?” Do a personal damage assessment. Ask God’s forgiveness and request His help to forgive yourself.
  6. Be aware of the neurological aspect of this addiction and the brain chemicals involved. Pornography addiction is not just a moral problem. You have created paths for your brain to need and desire the chemical charge provided by porn. These paths that have been flooded with imagery of what is false will need to be starved to death. This is not about reading your Bible more or praying more; a transformation is needed. It starts when you identify what triggers you to use porn. As you identify these triggers, you can ask God why they are triggers, what healing is needed, and how to locate that healing. This requires intense self-examination (confronting your habits) as you scrutinize how your thoughts and feelings have shaped your beliefs. God can reveal whether or not those beliefs are true or are based on lies. Ask your heavenly Father for truth to replace the lies (Romans 8:5-9; 12:1-2).
  7. Locate any deep wounds from your past to discover how those wounds have affected you. If you are unable to deal with your past, you will just be treating symptoms over and over. For example, you could ask: “Is there a shame-filled sexual wound? Did I experience abuse of some kind, then retreat and find comfort in pornography or masturbation?” In seeking these answers, invite and expect Holy Spirit to be your companion and guide.
  8. Discover relational healing by purposefully mending broken relationships. Find new relationships that will help you heal. These could be support groups, a personal counselor, or close accountability with a trusted friend. Monitoring software can be useful, but will not replace real-time accountability to those who love you and care for you. You need a community around you.
  9. Utilize appropriate resources. Find what fits you in terms of books, videos, or other resources. A video series like the Conquer Series, groups like Pure Desire and websites like Faithfulandtrue.com or Be Broken Ministries can be extremely helpful. Fortunately, today there are quite a number of resources and websites available to help those who desire to overcome the power of pornography in their lives. Search on the internet for Christ-centered materials and computer prevention programs like Covenant Eyes and X3Watch to place on your devices.
  10. Go through deliverance ministry. Your mind needs renewal. Deliverance can be helpful to cleanse out the demonically oriented material that has entered your soul and spirit. Openness to evil creates a pathway for more evil. Total freedom can be found in deliverance.

Tying It All Together with the Story of Joseph

There is a wonderful story in the Bible of holy resistance followed by incarceration, but then redemption and hope for a family and a nation. That story is the story of Joseph.

In Genesis Chapter 39, we read the account of Joseph, who was serving in Potiphar’s house. The Bible says God blessed him and he prospered in his Egyptian master’s home. God gave him success in everything he did. In time, the blessing that followed Joseph also affected Potiphar’s household, and Joseph was placed in charge of everything Potiphar owned.

Joseph was described as “well-built and handsome,” and he made a noticeable impression on Potiphar’s wife. She repeatedly attempted to allure Joseph by saying, “Come to bed with me!” Joseph stood firm and refused. Joseph’s words were, “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”

Joseph’s response cost him his job and his freedom because Potiphar’s wife lied about Joseph attempting to “make sport of me,” or, as we might say, “rape me.” Even so, Joseph refused to compromise his integrity.

Joseph did not fail his test. Had he given in to temptation, it could have caused the death of millions by famine. He would have never been reunited with his family and he would not have had the opportunity to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. The favor of God rested on Joseph because he stood firm. Otherwise, he would have been just one more leadership casualty.

The point is clear. You and I have a destiny given to us by God. Your freedom from the sin of pornography is not just about you, but the hundreds that you touch. Your life-long call is tied in to others with the life call of Jesus. When many of those around grow sick of their life of sin, you will have the answer for them, as well as a life that exemplifies that answer. Be a hero like Joseph and confess his words with me: “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against my God?”

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all” (Psalm 34:17–19).

God is our deliverer. He delivered Joseph. He can deliver us.

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Challenge, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Pornography, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Training, Women

The Five-Step Conditioning Process of Pornography

The stats are frightening as pornography use creeps down to eleven-year-old kids. Eighty five percent of teenage young men are viewing porn at an alarming rate. There are over 400 million pornographic pages available on over four million websites. Pornography use is said to increase marital infidelity by 300%! And those are only a few of the statistics available today exposing this horrific cancer in our society. 

How does it grow from curiosity to a full-blown addiction? What is the process that takes place? If we can identify that, we stand somewhat of a chance to avoid an addiction. 

Psychologists tell us there are five steps:

  • Introduction/ exposure – There is some form of exposure to porn, typically by a “friend.” This often takes place during the childhood years. 
  • Habit/compulsion – Those who continually and frequently expose themselves to porn find they have to continually return for more – another high. This begins the chemical process or wash over the brain causing sexual stimulation and the need for more. 
  • Intensification – The previous highs are not enough, so the user looks for more exotic forms of sexual behavior for stimulation. 
  • Desensitization – What is abnormal becomes normal sexually. Nothing is too shocking or aberrant. The concern of hurting others gets lost in the pursuit of the next sexual experience or high. 
  • Acting upon one’s fantasy/imagination – Eventually we will enact upon what we have seen and what we find pleasurable. These behaviors will be required from a spouse, a prostitute, a date or a minor. This often results in rape. 

The escalation of use occurs because we tell ourselves we’re simply being entertained with something that is harmless. After all, God created men, women and sex. But the more porn we feed our brain, the more extreme forms of it are necessary to become aroused. 

Have you ever noticed the number of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs that are advertised on TV? Do you know why? Pornography. Younger and younger men with a porn addiction cannot function normally due to porn use. The addiction is stealing from them. Real life partners become bad porn. No woman or man can compete with the airbrushed perfect images displayed in pornography.

Pornography is killing marriages today. If you want to undermine or destroy your marriage, pornography use is a good way to do it. It will completely diminish any level of trust that you have built over your years of marriage. Pornography use opens doors that you do not want to open. 

Here’s the truth: pornography is fake! Every page, every site, every movie is fake. All of it is built on lies like, “It’s an innocent distraction; it’s harmless.” Meanwhile, it is literally destroying your life, your marriage and it has the potential to destroy your family. 

Is viewing pornography sin? Yes. We are engaging in sexual immorality and dishonoring God’s design for intimacy within the confines of marriage: one man with one woman. Pornography use will never take us where God ultimately desires to take us in our walk with Him. 

Stay tuned to part two of pornography when we look at some answers to help move away from this sin. 

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Challenge, In the news, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Parents, Postmarital, Premarital, Singles, Women

The Myths That Surround Marriage and Divorce These Days

How often have we heard that one in two marriages are ending in divorce? How frequently do we hear that marriage as an institution is on its way out? I am here to tell you just the opposite!

Shaunti Feldhahn, who is a Harvard trained Wall Street analyst and researcher has some very good news in her book, The Good News about Marriage. 

Shaunti reveals that the divorce rate in America has never been 50%. In fact, the divorce rates are actually declining. Seventy one percent of woman remained married to their first spouse and widowhood reduces the remaining 29%. Feldhahn states this brings us to a 25% divorce rate. 

Feldhahn also states that the rates of divorce among Christians are even less. Yes, those who share a like faith in their marriages were found to be at a 22% divorce rate according to a survey done by Family Life of 50 churches in 2013. 

From a Pew research: only one half of Americans are married today compared to 71% in 1960. Could this be connected to the pessimistic attitudes about God’s design for marriage? However, divorce rates have increased among those who live together, cohabitate, before marriage. They actually build a noncommitted attitude within their relationship and that spills over into their ensuing marriages, increasing their likelihood of divorce. 

Are marriages happy today? Yes! About 80% of marriages are happy and some rated their marriage “very happy.” In the book, those who decided to work through their differences will eventually find a greater level of happiness. Why? It was found that most couples know marriage takes work and they do not mind working toward that happiness. In one study, it was discovered that 93% of spouses would marry their same spouse all over again.

There you have it. Take courage; marriage as an institution is not failing. Divorce is not the biggest threat to marriages today. So, if you’re married, be encouraged, keep working, keep loving, keep praying and keep believing in your marriage. Your children will bless you for it. 

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Challenge, Healing, In the news, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Training, Women

Why are We so Anger Centric Today?

Anger seems to be the go-to emotional reaction in so many areas of our lives these days.

We’re angry at our boss. We’re angry at our spouse, our kids, our parents, our neighbor. We’re angry at the politician, the news reporter, our electric company, and the sports team we follow. Where does it stop and why is anger one of the quickest emotions we gravitate toward?

No one is born angry. We interpret our environment, the conversation, the lies we’re being told or the noncaring response of our boss as anger producing. We’re living in and with a short-fused society, as if anger is the magic pill to help us obtain what we think we need.

Normally, anger occurs when we experience a blocked goal; a desired outcome is unrealized because someone or something is in our way. Roadblocks are not necessarily bad. Sometimes they keep us from a more dangerous situation. And yet, in anger we want to blow up the roadblock. 

But let’s not be naïve; there actually is good anger – righteous anger if you will. And there is the not-so-good anger: anger related to selfish ambition. One is desiring what God desires and one is full of selfish motive or personal gain, i.e., wanting what we want. Righteous anger is rooted in what is best for another. Selfish anger is rooted in what is best for me.

Think about the last time you became angry. Was there a blocked goal? Who or what was blocking it? How did you respond? Was the anger there to protect another (for example, your child) or was it there to protect yourself? 

When we with little thought emotionally turn to anger, we forfeit the opportunity for process and often personal growth. If my wife does something that blocks my goal I can yell at her and then use anger to “push” her out of my way. Or, I can stop, take a time out and pursue a conversation about the blocked goal. As I listen to my wife and then process with her, I or she can discover what the need or desire is. We can then pursue it together. 

The prescription for long-term or short-term anger is given to us by Jesus. He had one answer and one answer only: forgive as you have been forgiven (Matthew 6: 14, 15 and Ephesians 4:32). There is no other way. Forgiving brings freedom, it releases anger and it can help bring reconciliation. Forgiveness is medicine to your heart and your soul. Forgiveness releases the captive bound by anger, primarily you.

Forgiveness is not saying what was a wrong toward you is now right; it’s saying that you release the person who hurt or offended you because you also need forgiveness. 

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Challenge, Encouragement, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

What Makes Sex Intimate?

Sex is often touted as the most intimate act of marriage. So, what makes it so intimate, especially for those married couples out there? 

Here’s a blog about making sure sex is an act of intimacy with your spouse. 

In order for sex to be intimate, there are a number of ingredients. Let’s list ten of them.

  1. Sex is not saying “I want sex;” it’s saying “I want you.”
  2. For sex to be intimate, pornography must be absent in your relationship. 
  3. Sex is knowing the preferred love-receiving, love-giving desires of my wife or husband. 
  4. Sex held within the boundary of our marriage is saying “I choose you, only you.”
  5. Sex is not “getting my needs met,” but rather meeting my spouse’s needs. 
  6. Sex is not just about a man or a woman’s physical release; it’s more about giving love to one another. 
  7. Sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual connection with your spouse.
  8. Sex is about feeling valued by another expressed through love, honor and respect. 
  9. Sex is never forced on another.
  10. Sex that provokes feelings of displeasure, distatefulness or embarrassment is not intimate.

Sheila came to us and shared that sex for her was her husband meeting his needs and then going to sleep. There is no intimacy and no emotional connection in a situation like that. For years she felt like an object. She preferred her marriage to be sexless vs. what she was enduring. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. Make a commitment to take time to evaluate your sexual intimacy. Listen to one another and hear what the other is feeling about your sex lives. Then make a commitment to change or talk to someone you would respect in this area. Do not allow one of the most intimate acts of marriage to be stolen from you. 

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