Author Archives: calledtogether

Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Wives Hurt their Husbands

nagging-wife-screamingRecently I sat with a husband and wife who are in a long-term marriage. I couldn’t help but notice how he constantly looked to her for her nonverbal approval as he spoke or how nervous he was to say things that he thought his wife may take issue with. It was painfully obvious who was silently controlling the conversation and perhaps even controlling the marriage. Last week we talked about ways a man hurts his wife. Far too often we miss speaking of the ways in which a wife may be hurting her husband. The following are some observations for the ladies and a reminder of ways to affirm that man of God in your life.

She fails to thank him for the small and the large things he does daily.

She forgets to affirm him as a man, showing him respect.

She takes his love for granted.

She fails to enter into his world and do some things with him that he would really enjoy.

She puts off the sexual needs of her husband for her own convenience.

She corrects him publicly.

She fails to pray for and with him consistently.

She tries to be his coach or mother rather than his teammate, at times forfeiting his leadership in the home.

She puts him down in front of the children.

She forgets to touch him, hold his hand and be affectionate.

She forgets to ask him how he is really doing.

She fails to tell him how handsome he is to her and why she is attracted to him.

She forgets to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong.”

She holds on to a hurt in order to make him “pay.”

She controls most conversation or interrupts him when he stumbles with his thoughts or his response.

… And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33b)

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Encouragement, Marriage, Postmarital

Ways in which Husbands Hurt Their Wives

IMG_0605Driving home from my office one winter day I heard the question, “When is the last time you thanked your wife for doing the laundry?” I couldn’t remember. There are those many mundane jobs that we as husband and wife accomplish on a daily basis and simply forget to be appreciative of one another’s servant heart. We each need that voice of affirmation from our spouse routinely. While it’s nice to receive a complement from a stranger, it’s far more significant to have your spouse speak or act in a way that simply blesses us. The following are examples of some of the failures that we make as husbands when we all too often take our wives for granted. See if you can identify with any of them and/or perhaps add to the list.  (The picture in this blog is Harold and Betty, my in-laws who are age 93 and 92, married for 74 years still loving Jesus and one another.)

 

 

He fails to thank his wife for all the daily mundane duties she accomplishes in the home without complaint.

He forgets to tell her how amazing and beautiful she really is to him.

He speaks more negative words than he does positive, encouraging and affirming words.

He fails to initiate praying for her and with her.

He puts her down publicly.

He doesn’t hold her hand or be affectionate with her outside times of intimacy.

He often fails to take the time to just listen to her.

He forgets to date her or date nights are too infrequent.

He puts off regular maintenance around the home or fails to help her with inside duties.

He complains about her spending rather than thanking her for spending wisely.

He speaks down to her, insinuating she is clueless.

He fails to accept her as she is without suggesting improvement.

He fails to consistently remember important calendar dates throughout the year.

He does not take responsibility and apologize for his mistakes, as well as, to be forgiving when his spouse apologizes to him.

He stops trying to win her with small gifts for no reason.

…. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28b)

 

 

 

 

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Children, Marriage

The Most Important Need of a Child

Parents spend a lifetime caring for their children, from midnight feedings and diaper changes to teaching them to drive a car. Parenting is more than a full-time job and one that never really ends. Even when your children are grown and married, parents never stop influencing or being available to help and serve. I always loved parenting, the good and the not so enjoyable seasons. We never had the “terrible twos.” We decided to have the “terrific twos.” We never expected rebellious teenage years or a time of “sowing wild oats” as some teach. Children are the natural outcome of God’s design for marriage. Watching my grandson chase bubbles or find Easter eggs now brings back a flood of fond parenting memories. To have the privilege of parenting is simply a joy and a gift from our heavenly Father.IMG_0803

Mary and I discovered the most important key in raising children and it wasn’t a new video game, bicycle, larger home, extra allowance or more stuff. We discovered along the path of child rearing the greatest need of a child. We discovered the way in which a child is most secure, happy, and well-adjusted. Was it discipline? Was it maintaining appropriate boundaries? Was it providing for them? Was it loving them? Yes, a thousand times “yes” to each and every one of these most important areas. But, even more importantly, it was when my wife and I made the time to pray for them and then taught them to pray. It was training them to look to Someone outside themselves and their parents. It was training them to depend upon the Source of life, of esteem, of security, of provision, of love and of salvation. He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)

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Encouragement, Leadership, Small Groups, Training, Uncategorized

Accountability? We have no Idea

United Airlines was flying me from Chicago to Harrisburg, PA a few weeks ago when I struck up a conversation with the “kid” seated beside me. I found that he was pretty special. He can shoot a gun extremely accurately. I suppose a lot of people can do that, but this 20-year-old has been on the USA Olympic Team since he was 17. He shoots for the International Shooting Sport Federation and gets to participate in his passion all over the world. He told me, “I’m not getting rich but I sure am enjoying what I’m doing in my life right now.” He let me know that there’s only one draw back: accountability. Now that intrigued me as a leader. “Accountability, what ever do you mean?” I asked. He went on to describe accountability like I have never heard of before.

imagesHe responded, “I have to provide every detail of my life and fill out form after form electronically.” “Like what for instance?” I asked. “Well, where I am at; what I am doing; where I am going; what I am eating; my health; my practice schedule; any medication I am taking; how much I’m sleeping; basically, my whole life is an open book,” he revealed. I asked him who required such a rigorous report and he told me the international Olympic federation. “Now that’s some intrusive accountability,” I said in agreement. It caused me to think about my level of accountability to those who oversee me and to my wife. It, as well, provoked some thoughts about how accountable I am to my Lord like, “So, how accountable am I, or even better, how accountable am I willing to be?” Check out these verses from the New Living Translation:

Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. Obey your spiritual leaders, and do what they say. Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God. Give them reason to do this with joy and not with sorrow. That would certainly not be for your benefit. (Hebrews 4:13; 13:17)

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Encouragement, Leadership

When God Speaks, Don’t Laugh

It is recorded in scripture that Abraham and Sarah were barren. Even though God told Abraham his offspring would be as numerous as the sand on the seashore, they were now well past child-bearing age. Abraham was 99 years old when the Lord told him that his wife would become pregnant. His reaction? First Abraham fell over, then he laughed to himself and then he questioned God by asking, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old?” His second question was, “Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?” I am pretty sure that I would have had the same questions along with the out loud laughter piece once I picked myself up off the floor.

pregnant20old20lady20elderly20woman20having20babyNot only was God creating outside of Abraham’s belief system, He was operating outside of natural/biological laws. As Abraham and his elderly bride are still in shock, three unexpected visitors show up in their front yard. Sarah, inside the tent, found herself listening intently to the conversation taking place outside the tent. What she hears is, well… shocking to her and as the news of her impending pregnancy is revealed, she laughs to herself. Sarah’s silent question is, “Will I really have a child now that I am old?” Or, perhaps more believable, her internal questioning went something like this, “Me? Pregnant” Are you kidding?” The Lord heard her laugh and then spoke something beyond their theology, beyond their life experience and beyond their personal comprehension and faith. It was a question, but not really a question. It was that God is about to rock your world to the core statement: “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” (Genesis 17/18)

I am not sure what you’re dealing with today, but one thing I am sure of: nothing is too difficult for your God and that’s not a laughing matter.

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Encouragement, Small Groups, Training

Matching Our Theology with Our Experience II

Last week we asked the question, “Do we match our theology to our life experience or do we match our life experience to our theology?“ Perhaps the answer is neither. If our theology is limited by our experience, we could literally leave God out of the equation. In other words, could not God do something for which we have no theology? Obviously the answer is yes. As pointed out last week, we have alternative options if we live by the belief that our experience must match our theology especially when our experiences disappoint us. For example, I am told from outside my body my blood looks blue in color due to visually observing blue veins. But, my blood in my body or outside my body is red and only red because hemoglobin is mainly made up of red blood cells and their literal color is red. If what I see or experience is the totality of what I believe, I will be missing a whole element of who God is and what He does. By this, I actually place God within my human framework, making Him just another human being. If I live by theology only and discount experiences, then I will never get to know the-outside-of-the-human-experience God and Savior.faith-and-reason

All of those heroes mentioned in Hebrews eleven acted by faith and yet did not see what God had promised (11:13). Further, the scriptures reveal that we live by faith; with a spirit of faith we believe and then speak; we fix our eyes on the unseen and, faith is hoping for what is going to happen even though we do not see it. Then we find this key in Hebrews two: “We do this (putting on faith and taking off that which slows or hinders faith) by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish.” (12:2 NLT) Faith never quits, never gives up and never gives in. Faith does not need experience to be reality. Faith is not hindered by theology because theology never saved or healed anyone. Faith keeps our eyes on Jesus from “start to finish.“ And faith is only found in the experience of encountering Jesus, the One who loves to confound the wise and, at times, act outside of our theology.

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Leadership, Prayer, Small Groups, Training

Matching Our Theology with Our Experience

Which is correct: Do we match our theology to our life experience or do we match our life experience to our theology? What do I mean? Let’s say you believe in miraculous healing.  As well, your theology backs up your belief in miraculous healing.  Then you go on to act upon that belief and theology by praying for the sick. You pray with all the gusto and faith you can possibly muster.  You do this repeatedly for a period of several years.  Over that same period no one is healed, not even a headache disappears miraculously.  You are left with disappointment after disappointment and not one single testimony of healing.  Now what do you do?

You have options. You can change your theology to one that says God no longer heals the sick.  You can get angry with God and declare He no longer hears your prayers and you refuse to be embarrassed by such prayers any longer. You can believe that you simply do not have the “gift of healing.”  Or you can back off, be discouraged and give up praying for those who need a miracle. In my lifetime, I have found myself somewhere within this list – mainly discouragement.  Today, because of the lack of experiencing miraculous healing, whole denominations are built on the belief that God no longer heals. It is how they justify their experience or lack thereof.  It’s dangerous to match your theology with your experience because God may have a different answer.  We’ll look at some of those answers next week.

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Encouragement, Leadership, Small Groups

Failure, the Pathway to Success

Thomas Watson, the founder of IBM once said, “The way to succeed is to double your failure rate.”  It is said that Thomas Edison worked on 10,000 different experiments to find the right filament for the light bulb.  He started in early 1878 and on October 21, 1879, almost two years later the first incandescent light bulb was born.  Edison understood that failure was the pathway to success. Edison believed that he needed to discover what did not work in order to get closer to what did work.  His theory believed in failure as a part of the process to success. For some reason we tend to see failure as a failing – I do not believe we should – mainly because I do not believe God does.  (Why do I believe this?  Because nowhere in His word did He hide the failures of His children.)

I like what Winston Churchill once said, “Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”  And Solomon said it this way, “…for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.”  (Proverbs 24:16a)  How does this apply to you and me as leaders today?  We can project ourselves as a leader, one who is the ideal.  Without always realizing it, we can become polished versions of the super Christian, the super pastor, or the super marketplace leader.  We then need to project always being happy, always being well-adjusted, always being in faith, always overcoming every temptation or failure.  We must feverishly protect our fragile esteem and our image of leader at all cost.  Whether trying it or not, owning up to it or not we are saying, “be perfect like me, have my faith – and if I am doing it, certainly I can expect you to.”  Take a deep breath and enjoy today along with the mistakes made by yourself and those around you.  Allow them to be lessons learned toward success.

 

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Uncategorized

Have It Your Way ?

Many believe that it is “their freedom in Christ” which allows them the opportunity to set their own standards for living in any way they deem appropriate.  Even when the word of God has set a clear precedence or standard, these same persons enjoy having it their way.  While I have the “personal freedom” to eat at McDonald’s three meals a day, every day, I choose not to because I believe the health risks far outweigh my personal freedom.  It may be personal freedom and my right, but if I desire to live any length of time, I will need to make better choices – healthy choices.

Actually, I suppose I can call anything “my truth,” but that does not make it true or anywhere close to factual.  Regardless of how much independence we claim, there are certain ways to accomplish things and specific practices for most of life.  I am pleased that the pilots who fly the huge jets I am a passenger on follow a certain standard set for them by the Federal Aviation Association.  I am grateful for the boundaries and guidelines our laws create and for those who are paid to reinforce them.  Independence does not give me the freedom to create my own truth.  Why then when it comes to the direction of the scriptures do many persons believe them to be optional?  I am so grateful that our Lord gave up His freedom and His independence to leave heaven and come to earth to die for us.  I am so pleased that He chose to take on the nature of a servant for you and for me rather than claiming His right as God.  Our freedom came as Jesus chose to give His up.

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Children, Encouragement

My Heavenly Father is a Gift Giver

It can be overwhelming for me to stop and consider the gifts my heavenly Father has bestowed upon me.  First and foremost there is the gift of my salvation.  Of course the gift of Holy Spirit living within me.  He has generously given me a wonderful and godly wife of almost 39 years.  I have three amazing children who have all gone to college and are now happily married living responsively on their own.  I have had the privilege of working for over 27 years in a ministry I love.  He has given me a home with many possessions.  To top it off, I am now a grandfather.   I am blessed with great health and wealth!

 

stock-vector-vector-set-of-hands-clients-purchasing-work-in-flat-retro-style.html.jpg  Those blessings toward me from heaven have caused me to be a giver.  I love giving gifts.  I usually give Mary gifts before it’s Valentines Day or even Christmas.  I anticipate and can’t wait to see her face when she is surprised with the new flowers on the dining room table.  I just can’t  seem to wait until the proper day to give.  I love giving gifts to my children.  One day we were enjoying a meal together with my adult children on our deck and I handed each of them some money just to bless them – no other reason.  My oldest son asked, “Who died” and provoked a bit of laughter.  When my children were teenagers, I would locate their wallets at random times and place a $20.00 bill in them.  Why?  My heavenly Father is an extravagant giver and I have come to believe that a sign of Christ-centered maturity is found in our ability to be generous.  The scripture states that as we water others we ourselves will be watered.  Has there been any dryness in your life lately? 

 

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