We were created to feel pain. Pain in our body is an indicator, a warning that something needs medical attention or intervention. Pain is often a danger signal. It forces a response from us.
Unfortunately, most persons fear pain, especially emotional pain. Think of losing that loved one, the engagement breakup, or the loss of a job. Often we try to avoid pain; it’s just too, simply put, painful. Perhaps God desires to take us through it?
Is it really the fear of what happens in our life or is it the fear of the pain that follows significant and pain-filled life experiences that we would rather avoid?
In this blog, I want us to consider how pain helps to build some very important things in each of us and how it requires our attention.
God never wastes pain in our lives: Every leader in the Bible went through traumatic and painful experiences. Think of Joseph, Job and Daniel. No Christ follower was or is exempt of pain. God uses it to build us spiritually, emotionally and physically. He builds character through pain-filled life experiences. He often allows tests through those areas where we are weak. Pain produces in us more self-awareness and self-knowledge. If we listen to it, we will learn and grow. Why? Because pain is a strengthener. Seasoned leaders have learned to use the pain in their lives to strengthen their leadership abilities.
Pain is a strengthener: Pain makes us stronger and tougher. Think of the weightlifter. As they push against the pain, they are building muscle mass. Resistance is a strengthener. Pain is a precursor to healing. We tend to push against pain, but the pain we can tolerate will strengthen us for the next painful situation we find ourselves in. When we persevere, endure and grow through the pain, it is strengthening us. You will handle pain more effectively in the future. You will handle life challenges more efficiently.
Pain keeps us humble: It builds humility in us by causing us to be less prideful and more real. We often tend to think well of ourselves and sorry for that poor person who is suffering. Pain lets us know it CAN happen to us. It CAN be a reality check. Pain in our lives will help to build compassion and empathy for others. It hopefully builds a greater sense of love for others and what they go through in life. Often we are looking for empathy because we want significant persons in our lives to know we’re in pain. We need them to notice and to “give us a break.” But God is working humility in our lives.
Pain can be self-inflicted: If it is self-inflicted through our reckless mistakes, then we suffer the consequences and learn from those mistakes. But sometimes pain is self-inflicted because we need to recover from surgery, lose weight or grow in more grace-filled responses. This self-inflicted pain for growth is a positive pain that produces a greater good in our lives.
Pain teaches self-discipline: We need discipline in our lives. We need boundaries. If we suffered from the lack of control in some area of life, the pain of self-discipline can get us back on track. When we fail in a life discipline or goal, it is not a bad thing to suffer pain. This form of pain can teach us to readjust or plan another strategy.
Pain grows leadership qualities: The more pain we work through, the greater level of pain tolerance we will experience. The greater level of pain tolerance we grow, the greater level of leadership capacity we will grow. Low tolerance…the lower level of leadership.
Pain draws boundaries: When someone is abusing you, it is appropriate to draw a boundary. Pain inflicted upon us for selfish gain or gratification should cause a healthy reaction of setting a boundary from that unhealthy person. Pain will sharpen your senses and cause a greater alertness to yourself and to others.
Further, to go through personal pain we will appreciate the non-painful times more. We will appreciate pleasure and happiness more. When we suffer the pain of heartache, we will appreciate even more the deep and joyful feeling of love. If we go to great lengths to avoid pain, we might miss what God is wanting to build in our lives.
Take responsibility for the pain in your life. Long-term victims remain long-term victims by blaming others for their pain. While others have inflicted the pain, at some point we will have to face it and mature through it rather than blaming others. The longer we blame others for our pain, the longer we can stay stuck in our pain.
One day there will be no more pain. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
Until then, “…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” (Romans 5:3)
Experiencing the replacement of a knee cannot be lightly categorized as a simple, in-and-out procedure. It has meant being out of commission for a season. It has meant unrivaled pain. It has meant disciplining oneself to faithfully do physical therapy (aka, “personal torture”) exercises. And, it has meant having to be patient with the healing process.
If you are listening to your thoughts about what you are experiencing while you are experiencing it, you can learn something about yourself and you can learn some things about life. What follows are some life lessons I learned while in the recovery process that have also become life applications.
I can’t count how many people said to me, “No pain; no gain.” I told my wife one day that if one more person says those words to me, I think I am going to give them some pain. But that old saying is literally true. Recovery from surgery can be painful and it’s why some patients give up. Simply put, it just hurts too much.
I was listening to a teaching about how pain in our lives – all pain – produces something: a higher pain tolerance. I felt that those words were directly from God for me. He was asking me to develop a higher pain tolerance physically, yes, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You see, the higher our tolerance, the less offended we can become, the less offensive we will be. With a higher pain tolerance, we can return good for evil, we can love in greater measure and we can tolerate far more irritants (or irritating persons).
Speaking of irritants, when someone is experiencing pain, it is difficult to be ones normal self. Small irritations can become enlarged rather quickly. However, pain can grant God permission to show me, me. When in pain, inhibitions are lowered and what’s really inside is allowed to surface. Overall, not a bad thing.
Here’s another saying we often have to endure post surgery, “Push through the pain.” Yes, it hurts, but you must push through the hurt so you can become stronger. Who on earth elects to do that? How many of us relish inflicting pain upon ourselves no matter the results? I can quickly throw the desired results out the window if it includes suffering. Funny that Jesus told us in this world we would suffer pain, we would have trials and tribulation, but He has overcome the world. (See John 16:33.)
I could have blamed my smiling therapist for the hurt she inflicted. But the reality was my mindset had to change to how the hurt, the pain was actually good for me. Said another way: it hurts for my good. The therapist is inflicting pain, but for my personal strengthening, which ultimately brings healing.
Imagine actually going back to someone who deeply hurt you and saying to them, “Thanks for the hurt you inflicted upon me. Because of it, I have grown in my walk with Christ and I am learning patience and discipline as my pain tolerance increases.” But that is exactly what is happening as you suffer. Hebrews twelve reveals, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
I recently experienced a total left knee replacement. Three weeks ago, my wife and I entered the surgery center at 6:15 AM and left just before noon to return home. Yes, home the same day only hours after major surgery. It’s pretty amazing what medical science can do today and the human body can endure.
After being placed on the gurney, after anesthesia began and after a spinal was administered, I was almost out of it when I blurted out with no inhibition and for no planned reason, “Can someone here pray before surgery begins, please?” All six persons in that room began to look around at each other and say things like, “Not me.”
Finally, one young man completely covered from head to toe in an operating room “space suit” came to me and said, “I will, Steve.” The last words I remember were, “In Jesus’ name, amen.” I was out and ready to receive my bionic knee.
God has His people stationed everywhere. My primary nurse that day, Gwen, was a lovely Christian woman who took superb care of me with the utmost gentleness and peace-filled communication.
I am learning a lot through this season and I will write more about that later. My point today? Here it is: “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord and not unto men.” (Colossians 3:23)
You may never know how you have touched a life in your workplace or your neighborhood! Take seriously your station in life right now and ask God how you can be an encouragement to others.
It was one thing to have prayed for our children as they were growing up in our home under our direct influence, but it is another praying for our adult children, especially if they no longer hold the same values we as parents do. We may have raised them with one set of values and they may choose to live by another set of values.
Our children grew up in our home with the consistent example of seeing, hearing, and experiencing faith-believing prayer. We prayed for and about everything. We wanted them to know that even though their parents could not meet all of their needs, there was Someone who could. Children need a model of prayer which causes them to “seek first the kingdom of God.”
Today, as we pray for our adult children and their children, we still desire to see changes in their lives. As minor children, we could force some changes; we had that level of control. As adults we can only influence change through prayer and any open door they will give us. Very few persons desire our advice without them first asking for it, including our children.
Praying for our adult children is our first line of defense and offense. It is not inaction. Prayer is not secondary; it is not lacking any other answer; it must be our go-to move first and foremost. Prayer is our lifeline to our Father as He works on behalf of our children. Prayer helps to keep the focus off of what we can do or feel the need to do and places it upon what Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and theirs. Prayer, giving our cares over to God, helps to keep our hearts at peace and free from anxiety.
We pray for them and we let them know we are praying for them. If you have opportunity, you can even let them know what and how you are praying. So, how do we pray?
Ask your Father to place the right person(s) in their lives at the right time.
Ask Him to be in their dreams, in the music they listen to and in the media they watch. Ask Him to show up in multiple ways.
Pray for their workplace, their families, their finances, and their safety.
Pray scriptures over them. God’s word sent in prayer is a powerful tool. Pray peace over them.
Pray for God’s purposes to be fulfilled and the passions He placed on their hearts to be realized.
Pray for their spiritual ears to hear His still small voice.
If your children are asking for prayer, no request is too small or too large. If your children are not asking for prayer, maybe even are antagonistic toward prayer, choose not to be offended. Don’t back away from loving and accepting them. Do not choose hurt; choose the relationship any way you can get it, even if it feels shallow. Surface or fragile relationships are better than no relationship or broken relationships. Continually, in every way you can, reinforce your unconditional love as their parents.
“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16) Your prayers make a difference.
I thank you, heavenly Father, that You are working in my son/daughter’s life each and every day. I thank You that Holy Spirit does not leave them or forsake them. I am grateful that You are loving them in a way that I cannot right now. I am grateful that regardless of what they’re saying or doing, You are drawing them to Yourself. Father, You gave them birth, they are Yours and You love them in far greater measure than I can. I commit them to Your love, to Your care. In Jesus’ name.
Conflicts–we all have them. Can you recall your last conflict with your spouse or your child?
At the core and simply stated, you desired one thing and the other party desired another. You may have wanted something good, but the goal was blocked by the disagreement. It can be a daily occurrence.
How do you personally resolve a conflict? How did your parents resolve a conflict or perhaps they didn’t? We tend to follow in their footsteps whether we like it or not.
First, let’s establish this: conflict in marriage is not wrong. Not resolving conflict is wrong. Conflict that brings us to a solution can be a good thing as long as we honor one another in the process. When conflict turns meanspirited or resorts to name calling and uncontrolled anger, we have crossed a line.
Here are five steps you can take to help you bring a conflict to a resolve:
Understand / Discover
Understand that any two individuals will from time to time come into conflict. Understanding means listening and not just wanting to be understood. Discover what the conflict is and then identify each person’s understanding of the problem, as well as what goals are blocked by this difference.
Set Aside Time; The Right Time
Set aside time to deal with the conflict. When emotions are out of control, take time to step back, calm down, think and then come back together. (The use of a key phrase that signals we will come back together within a specified period of time to deal with the problem can be advantageous, e.g., “We need a cup of coffee.”) The right time is when we are not reacting but rather responding without an inordinate amount of emotion.
Agreement and Staying on the Subject
Discover areas that you are in agreement as well as the areas of disagreement. Stay on the subject which represents the immediate conflict. Do not allow the conflict to wander off into other unrelated areas of disagreement.
Appreciate and Identify the Needs
Appreciate your spouse’s opinion and what they add to the process. When you value the ideas and feelings of your partner, you value that person. Allow for the needs of each partner to be met. When needs are met, conflict can be resolved and goals can be reached.
Explore the Options and Move Toward a Solution
Explore options of resolution and move toward a solution. Prayer is a vital part of exploring the options and moving toward a solution. Take the time to not only listen to each other, but to the Lord as well.
James 4: 1 and 2 tells us that we fight and argue, trying to get what we want from each other. James then profoundly states we do not get what we want because we do not ask God.
Parents do a lot of things day in and day out and are some of the busiest persons on the face of the earth. Few envy the parent of a toddler or the parent of a wayward teen. Parents give more than most humans in any relationship; it’s how we’re built.
Could we establish one thing from the onset and a truth that bears repeating to others? God gave children to parents. He did not ask school teachers, counselors, the local church or government to parent those we give birth to. That role was given to two select persons, a mother and a father.
As mothers and fathers, we’re teachers, therapists, nurses, singers, coaches, and disciplinarians. It is a never-ending and grueling job that calls for faith, patience, energy and lots and lots of unconditional love.
But what is the primary role of a parent? Of the necessary and endless things we teach our children and the thousands of dollars we spend to feed, cloth, educate and care for our kids, what is priority number one?
My wife and I spent 25 years raising children and we loved it. We embraced each and every year. We determined that there were no “terrible twos” or necessary rebellious teenage years. It was our goal to raise happy, healthy, obedient kids who knew Whose they were and who they were. Everything we did with and for our children we did intentionally with God’s direction and help.
Discovering the number one area came to me after a major mistake I made in my parenting. My son wanted to watch a certain TV show that we felt was dishonoring of family, especially fathers. We told him that we would not participate in that program and why. He then told us when he would leave our home he would watch it and furthermore, he couldn’t wait to leave!
Now I knew why I wanted to leave my parents, but why on earth would he want to leave his? He had his own room. We loved him. We loved God. We loved each other. For heaven’s sake, we bought him Nike sneakers and Levi jeans!
God whispered in my ear, “I gave him to you to leave you one day. It’s not a matter of will he leave, but HOW he will leave. And, by the way, I didn’t give him to you so that you could build you in him. I gave him to you so that you could build Me in him.”
I thought I was a pretty good guy. Why wouldn’t my son want to be like me?
Herein is the primary role when parenting your children, “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone (our children) fully mature in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28)
Stop building yourself in your child and start building Christ. It is our primary role as a parent. Your child can do all things through Christ, but our parenting has its limits.
I am unsure where the phrase “follow your heart” came from. I have certainly used it on occasion and perhaps you have too. But should we be using that phrase with our children or our spouse or our close friends?
Here’s my challenge from the book of Jeremiah: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (17:9)
Yikes, the Bible actually says that? Yes, in fact it does.
So, what are we to follow? The Holy Spirit, God’s still small voice (I Kings 19:12). Here are some additional words of advice from God’s word:
Isaiah 30:21 “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”
Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”
Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
Mark 4:24 “And he said to them, ‘Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you.’”
John 5:30 – From Christ. “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”
John 10:27 “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”
John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.
I am not sure of my heart or yours, but I am totally sure of God’s heart toward you.
We were flying all day and came to a pause in our conversation when I decided to start asking my bride of 49 years a few questions. She played along politely. We started with these two queries:
What are you enjoying about our marriage relationship in our present season?
What is not so enjoyable or a challenge in our present season of marriage?
It provoked some really good and interesting responses. I don’t know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy these types of questions and I think our long-term marriage deserves them. I tend to think long term marriages take way too much for granted and simply fail to dig into the issues at times. For some of us, we’d rather avoid such questions for fear of the answers and what might follow honest responses.
But for those secure marriages that are deep, communicative and safe, the challenge is welcomed. It’s refreshing to take a break and talk about us, our hopes and our dreams.
Two more questions that followed were:
What are you looking forward to in the next season of marriage?
What gives you pause concerning our next season of marriage?
Because we do dream about a “next season,” it is fun to project some thoughts, some “what ifs” and some hopes. If there is a pause or two, then we can discuss that and begin to work our way through it as preventatively as possible.
One last question we dug into at 35,000 feet:
What is on your marriage bucket list?
That was fun! I learned a thing or two. I know her better. I heard her thoughts. I care about our present and our future.
Try it. There are still things to learn from a long- term marriage.
Steve Prokopchak 