Author Archives: calledtogether

Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Identity, Marriage, Parents

The Primary Role of Parents

Parents do a lot of things day in and day out and are some of the busiest persons on the face of the earth. Few envy the parent of a toddler or the parent of a wayward teen. Parents give more than most humans in any relationship; it’s how we’re built. 

Could we establish one thing from the onset and a truth that bears repeating to others? God gave children to parents. He did not ask school teachers, counselors, the local church or government to parent those we give birth to. That role was given to two select persons, a mother and a father.

As mothers and fathers, we’re teachers, therapists, nurses, singers, coaches, and disciplinarians. It is a never-ending and grueling job that calls for faith, patience, energy and lots and lots of unconditional love. 

But what is the primary role of a parent? Of the necessary and endless things we teach our children and the thousands of dollars we spend to feed, cloth, educate and care for our kids, what is priority number one? 

My wife and I spent 25 years raising children and we loved it. We embraced each and every year. We determined that there were no “terrible twos” or necessary rebellious teenage years. It was our goal to raise happy, healthy, obedient kids who knew Whose they were and who they were. Everything we did with and for our children we did intentionally with God’s direction and help.

Discovering the number one area came to me after a major mistake I made in my parenting. My son wanted to watch a certain TV show that we felt was dishonoring of family, especially fathers. We told him that we would not participate in that program and why. He then told us when he would leave our home he would watch it and furthermore, he couldn’t wait to leave!

Now I knew why I wanted to leave my parents, but why on earth would he want to leave his? He had his own room. We loved him. We loved God. We loved each other. For heaven’s sake, we bought him Nike sneakers and Levi jeans!

God whispered in my ear, “I gave him to you to leave you one day. It’s not a matter of will he leave, but HOW he will leave. And, by the way, I didn’t give him to you so that you could build you in him. I gave him to you so that you could build Me in him.”

I thought I was a pretty good guy. Why wouldn’t my son want to be like me? 

Herein is the primary role when parenting your children, “He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone (our children) fully mature in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28) 

Stop building yourself in your child and start building Christ. It is our primary role as a parent. Your child can do all things through Christ, but our parenting has its limits.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Issues of the Day

Are You Following Your Heart? Don’t!

I am unsure where the phrase “follow your heart” came from. I have certainly used it on occasion and perhaps you have too. But should we be using that phrase with our children or our spouse or our close friends? 

Here’s my challenge from the book of Jeremiah: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (17:9)

Yikes, the Bible actually says that? Yes, in fact it does. 

So, what are we to follow? The Holy Spirit, God’s still small voice (I Kings 19:12). Here are some additional words of advice from God’s word:

Isaiah 30:21
“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”

Jeremiah 33:3
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Psalm 119:105
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”

Mark 4:24
“And he said to them, ‘Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you.’”

John 5:30 – From Christ.
“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”

John 10:27
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”

John 14:26
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

I am not sure of my heart or yours, but I am totally sure of God’s heart toward you.

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Challenge, Just for fun, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Women

Asking Long-Term Marriage Questions

We were flying all day and came to a pause in our conversation when I decided to start asking my bride of 49 years a few questions. She played along politely. We started with these two queries:

  • What are you enjoying about our marriage relationship in our present season?
  • What is not so enjoyable or a challenge in our present season of marriage?

It provoked some really good and interesting responses. I don’t know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy these types of questions and I think our long-term marriage deserves them. I tend to think long term marriages take way too much for granted and simply fail to dig into the issues at times. For some of us, we’d rather avoid such questions for fear of the answers and what might follow honest responses. 

But for those secure marriages that are deep, communicative and safe, the challenge is welcomed. It’s refreshing to take a break and talk about us, our hopes and our dreams. 

Two more questions that followed were:

  • What are you looking forward to in the next season of marriage?
  • What gives you pause concerning our next season of marriage?

Because we do dream about a “next season,” it is fun to project some thoughts, some “what ifs” and some hopes. If there is a pause or two, then we can discuss that and begin to work our way through it as preventatively as possible. 

One last question we dug into at 35,000 feet:

  • What is on your marriage bucket list?

That was fun! I learned a thing or two. I know her better. I heard her thoughts. I care about our present and our future. 

Try it. There are still things to learn from a long- term marriage.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Parents, Prayer

Praying for Our Children

If you are a parent, you realize you can come to the end of yourself very quickly. While parents have huge capacity levels, there is no way any parent has all the vitality, all the answers and all the correct responses for their children’s inquisitive minds and endless energy. 

My wife and I quickly realized the older our children became the more complicated parenting became. It just doesn’t get easier with age. 

However, we never believed in the “terrible twos” or the “rebellious teen years.” We simply didn’t accept that it was guaranteed we would go through those times. In fact, we decided to have the “terrific twos” and the “compliant teen years.”

Being totally honest, raising children is the most rewarding job while at the same time, the most difficult and challenging job. It is not for the faint of heart. A parent must never give up or tire of keeping the boundaries straight. Parents must remain parents at all times and not peers. 

So, what’s the secret weapon in growing happy, healthy, productive, focused and disciplined kids? Wow, that’s a million-dollar question. I do have one answer. PRAYER!

Yes, faith in Someone much more capable than you; Someone more loving and patient than you and Someone far more knowledgeable than you are a must as a parent. That’s why I wrote the Praying for Your Children prayer tract. It is filled with scriptures to pray over your children at multiple stages of their lives. 

Praying God’s word builds faith for your children. It builds your faith. God’s word has so much to say about children–as the first Parent should–and who they are becoming. And when praying the scriptures over your children, your prayers can’t miss. They will hit the target and your children will respond. 

Our adult children are still requesting prayer from us as parents, mostly for their children. Why? Because they know we prayed and we pray for them. 

Here are a few example scriptural prayers:

Even when I am old . . . do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next generation: …………. Psalm 71:18

My children shall be mighty on the earth, wealth 

        and riches are in my house…………………………………… Psalm 112:2-3

My son shall be like a well-nurtured plant and my daughter 

        like a pillar carved to adorn a palace………………….. Psalm 144:12-13

God will give my children a heart to know Him—they will 

        return with all their heart……………………………………….. Jeremiah 24:7

There are 65 more scriptures just like these. Where can you locate this valuable prayer tract? Right here.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Marriage, Men, Postmarital, Premarital, Women

The Value of Kissing

Kissing. Who knew its scientific value? Who could imagine that this form of affection actually brought comfort, security, emotional satisfaction and even released feel good endorphins?

In a Psychology Today article from 2023, key lessons were explored when it came to kissing. There were obvious, predictable and emotionally boosting improvements discovered in the relationships that prioritize kissing. 

First, what does a kiss do? It is a sensual connection within marriage that communicates affection and even deepens the relationship. Kissing reduces stress, tension and anxiety. Kissing boosts our immune systems through the trading of saliva. Kissing releases dopamine to improve one’s mood and foster more contentment. It is a non-verbal form of communication that speaks volumes, especially on the romantic side of marriage. 

The article went on to share, “A skilled kisser is more likely to be in sync with their partner’s needs…and it promotes higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.” Why? Because kissing is not just a physical connection but it also connects us emotionally. It is being in the moment with your mate. When we kiss, we are continuing to build a healthy relationship, an emotional charge and a physiological enhancement to our marriage. 

These are all psychological benefits that improve our overall marriage satisfaction and should never be underestimated as a powerful tool for keeping the flame burning. Regardless of how long you are married, don’t lose the art, the connection and the value of a kiss.

Kiss when you leave the house.

Kiss when you return.

Kiss when praying together.

Kiss as you retire for the evening.

Kiss in front of the children and kiss for no reason at all.

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Challenge, Encouragement, History, Men, Parents, Women

Growing Creative Ideas and Inventions

I have never seen myself as an artist or very creative. That is, until people began commenting that some of my hobbies are very artistic and creative. It actually surprised me, in a good way of course. 

The lightbulb has become a symbol of creativity or ideas. Creativity with invention symbolizes ingenuity. 

A friend of mine quilts scenes from a picture.The headboard is my design.

Thomas Edison was a record-setting creative inventor who has 1,093 different inventions. On one single day in 1888 he recorded 112 different ideas. He patented something every eleven days. When he died, it is said that 15 billion dollars of the national economy was a result of his innovations alone. He employed thousands of people who became known as his “muckers.” 

We use many of the items, or variations thereof, that Edison invented to this day. Items like: the phonograph, the kinetoscope (an early motion picture device), the dictating machine, the alkaline battery, the electric meter, a sap extractor, a talking doll, rock crushers, electric pens, and a tornado proof house. 

The Creator of our world gives us the ability to create. His gifts are given to us to use for the benefit of others, for income to feed our family, for teaching and instructing others (multiplying our gifts), but ultimately for His glory and His purposes.

A baseball bat headboard created by my son-in-law for my grandson.

Exodus 35:35 reveals, “He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as engravers, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers–all of them skilled workers and designers.” 

We each have a level of creativity and design because we each have a Designer. We are created in the image of the Designer. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Funny thing though, Edison did not invent the lightbulb. Incandescent lights began in 1761. Edison prided himself in making things better–perfecting them. His first patent did not come until 1869, an electronic vote recorder. But Edison did create a lightbulb that would burn for hours, prolonging daylight on the street and in the factories.

What are those gifts He has deposited within you that others confirm in your life? Make your world a better place by using those gifts for His honor and His glory.

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Issues of the Day, Men, Premarital, Singles, Women

Dating in the 1950’s Vs. Dating Advice for Today

Dating is not a concept that has been around for centuries. It is more of a modern phenomenon. Many countries still do not engage in the modern notion of dating. But what did dating look like in the 1950’s? 

It was a postwar era and much was reflected in the perception of dating when it came to male and female relationships. Men were expected to lead and demonstrating chivalry was extremely important. Dating etiquette has changed drastically, but what follows are a few examples.

Women were expected to be more reserved than men, so much so that woman would defer to their male date to order at restaurants for them. A lot of dating was group dating as dances and movies were frequented the most. Never was there a discussion of who would pay, as the men were always expected to pay the bill. After all, men were seen as the “protectors and providers” and financial ability symbolized the male role. 

Dating was far more social in the 1950’s. It was not as much a private affair as it was a time to introduce your date to all your friends and your family. After all, family approval was a very important perception. 

The idea of “going steady” began in the 1950’s. It meant that the dating relationship had become exclusive as it took a step toward a “serious” relationship. Exclusivity had within it the exchange of high school rings or college jackets as a ritual symbolizing a more permanent move in the relationship. 

While we’re a long way from the 1950’s, there’s bit of purity in the nostalgia. Relationships were cherished and not thrown away in selfishness. As sexual “freedoms” became a thing in the 1960’s and 1970’s, the innocence of dating began to deteriorate. This deterioration began a downhill slide of disrespect toward one’s date as well as the parents. 

Scripturally, the word dating is not found in the Bible. But what might be some concepts to adhere to for today in order to maintain a godly or God-honored relationship?

  1. Treat your date like your bother or your sister. I Timothy 5:1-2 reveals that we are to treat older men as fathers and younger men as brothers. We are instructed to treat older woman as mothers and younger woman as sisters. Then these words are added to the verse, “…with absolute purity.” The scriptures admonish us that in a dating relationship we are to treat our date as a beloved brother or sister with absolute purity. Romans 12 and 13 have a lot of advice as well. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world…” “Honor one another above yourself.” “Hate what is evil…” “Love does no harm…” “Put aside deeds of darkness…behave decently…not in sexual immorality.”
  2. In your dating, strive to be one another’s protection. Dating can quickly turn into a taking relationship vesus a giving one. When that happens, it becomes “me” centered. Dating has an unwritten concept within it today that goes like this, “I’ll try it to see if I like it and it meets my needs.” That concept promotes hurt and rejection rather than love and protection. When we date in a godly fashion we are thinking about what will bless this other person. We are thinking about what will bring them joy and what will promote spiritual and emotional growth for them. Think of it in these terms: if sexual immorality takes from the one I am dating then saving sex for marriage is protecting this person for their future spouse. Further, if dating becomes full of repentance and apologies from the last date, then we have not protected the spirituality or the emotions of the one we are dating.
  3. Live and date to please God; set boundaries for yourself and your relationship I Thessalonians four warns us to abstain from sexual immortality. You are warned to treat your body as holy and your date with honor. If our dating has become “acting married”, then we are defrauding one another. This foundation is a disaster for marriage. Why? Because, if one is sexual before marriage, why not be sexual outside your marriage? Think about it. If you are not setting boundaries for yourself in a dating relationship, what makes you think you’ll set boundaries within your marriage, let alone keep them? 

Do you desire to honor God in your dating? Then take a closer look at the three points above and pursue them for yourself. You will never regret following God’s truths while pursuing that special person He has for you.

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Challenge, Children, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Parents, Pornography

Children and Pornography – It’s Traumatizing Effects

According to the research, most children are exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed accidentally on the internet and many are exposed by coming into contact with their parents’ pornographic material. Those who are sexual predators specifically target young children via porn for the purpose of exploitation. 

A friend of mine told me he was only nine years of age when a friend shared his grandfather’s stash of porn with him found in their barn.

The Effects of Seeing Pornography as a Child

Children do not possess the emotional or cognitive capacity to assimilate pornography in any form. Children report feeling embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, overwhelming sadness and repulsion after being exposed to porn. Young children who view pornography are more likely to sexually assault their peers and siblings. 

According to the American College of Pediatrics, “Consumption of pornography is associated with many negative emotional and psychological…outcomes. These include increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior…sexual promiscuity…and a distorted view of relationships between men and women. For adults, pornography addiction results in an increased likelihood of divorce which is also harmful to children.”

When my friend was around age 12 he and his friends hid pornographic magazines in their tree house. He said, “We would invite girls into our tree house so we could act out what we saw in the magazines.”

Pornography use as teenagers distorts their view of healthy sexuality and seriously affects, in multiple negative ways, personal relationships. Pornography use fosters the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is abnormal. Teenagers involved in pornography have difficulty forming lasting, healthy opposite sex relationships which results in higher rates of poor self-images. 

How is Pornography Harming Our Children?

Children viewing pornography are severely harming their brain development. Young, developing minds are hypersensitive to stimuli. That means children can form habits, both positive and negative, very quickly. 

A child’s view of sexuality as normative between husband and wife is ruined by pornography. Pornography presents anything but normality. For young boys, it makes girls an object. Children are taught that sexuality is all about them. It can be violent in nature and it teaches that sex should be expected in a relationship.

Pornography use creates a secretive lifestyle which promotes hiding, lying, and denial. Viewing pornography removes the child from necessary play activities. It can be sleep disruptive. It will reduce scholastic performance by stealing time from school work. 

Viewing pornography increases other unhealthy, abnormal behaviors like sexting. Children learn and grow by mimicking the behavior they see and experience. While children are naturally inclined to explore their bodies, pornography will take them far beyond any natural exploration. 

What You Can Do

  • Talk to your children about pornography. Ask lots of questions. Be persistent.
  • Place a program on your computer that aggressively withholds access to pornography. 
  • Remove data access on their smartphones.
  • Talk to your children about their peers and what they might be exposing your child to.
  • Be calm about discussing the topic and reassure your child of your love no matter what they say.
  • If your child confesses use to you, thank them for their honesty.
  • Work at not placing more shame or judgement upon them. 
  • Find resources to help you as the parent and your child. Talk to your pastor and your local church counselor. Ask for recommendations to help your child and yourself. 

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Children, Healing, Issues of the Day, Marriage, Men, Pornography, Women

Women and Pornography

It’s easy to assume that mostly men, young and older, have issues with pornography viewing. But the truth is, more and more women and young girls are getting caught in this addiction as well. Truthfully, the battle with sexual sins affects both men and women, boys and girls.

  • United Families International reports that 1 in 3 porn viewers are women. 
  • Barna Group has revealed that 63% of men aged 18-30 view pornography several times per week while 33% of women do the same.
  • 40 million Americans claim to be regular visitors to porn sites.
  • The computer program Covenant Eyes reports that men prefer images and women prefer erotic stories and romance sites.
  • Six in ten young adults (age 18-24 males and females) seek out porn daily, weekly or monthly. (Barna)

It’s not new. In the Old Testament of the Bible, there was a woman named Gomer who was pretty well known to be unrestrained when it came to sexual misconduct. In spite of her lifestyle, the Lord instructed Hosea, her husband, to show his love to her even as the Lord loved Israel. (Hosea 3:1) 

In John chapter eight we are told the story of an adulterous woman who according to the customs of the day should have been stoned to death. Jesus, to her rescue, told those watching and waiting to throw those stones, said they could do just that…if they had no sin themselves. Every person in this biblical scene dropped their rocks because we all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Jesus did not condemn her, but did say she was to go and “sin no more” (John 8:11).

Sexual sin is not new and it can affect every one of us. But, it can also be forgiven and dealt with by our Savior because He took (endured) our shame, our sorrows and our sins on the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Therein lies our answer. Like Gomer and the adulterous woman Jesus addressed, He will convict us of our wrongdoing rather than condemning us. Conviction comes to show us or to underline our sin so we will seek forgiveness through His cross and be cleansed of our sin. 

To be honest, I believe the cultures we live in today push this lifestyle. When nothing is sacred, when God-given morals are made fun of, and when there is no example of biblically held values on our TV’s and movie entertainment, it is no wonder generation after generation becomes more and more numb to sexual erotica and sexual exposure. To the world around us, it’s simply one more form of entertainment, even sometimes referred to as educational!

This “entertainment” is destroying children, teens and marriages. Sex trafficking has now become the largest issue around the world today. Pornography use directly feeds this issue. 

Men need healing and support groups, but so do women. Yes, women are betrayed by men and husbands who are involved in pornography, but pornography use among women is growing rapidly. God designed sex, not for sin, but rather to be something sacredly held within marriage where one man is committed to one woman.

God’s design of sex carries no regrets, no diseases, and no shame with it. 

Adam and his wife both were naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25).

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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Challenge, Encouragement, Healing, Issues of the Day, Men, Parents, Pornography, Women

View It; Just Don’t Do It?

There is not one alcoholic who ever thought their first drink would lead to alcoholism and yet it can.

When did you first view pornography? Was it with friends or were you by yourself? Was it planned or did it happen inadvertently? Did you then desire to look again and again and again?

Viewing pornography repeatedly causes one to lose control. Control of what?

  • Control of our thought life.
  • Control of our eyes.
  • Control of the spirit of lust.
  • Control of the lies one uses to cover up the practice.
  • For some, the loss of financial control. 
  • Control of our sexual lives.

Do you really want to lose control over your life through an addiction? Do you really want to destroy your marriage? Do you want to open the door to porn use for your children? 

When we allow a perversion into our home, we give the evil one freedom to destroy our home. We will be opening the door to ruined relationships and quite possibly a ruined family. 

Confess your need for help to your pastor or a counselor and receive intervention. Pornography is not something God hands you; it is something the devil himself hands you. 

The ongoing viewing of pornography will not take you where God desires you to go. God treasures your heart; He wants to dwell there and remove the trash the enemy has handed you. Pornography viewing is beneath who you are and Whose you are.

Please see a comprehensive article I wrote on pornography here.

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