Recently my daughter sent me an email in which she proceeded to thank me for “building a wall and not a door” in her life. The reference was out of Song Of Songs 8: 8,9. The young girl who is a door does not know who she is, her worth, or her value, she lacks faith, depth, astuteness and wisdom. But, the tower of self-worth, self-confidence, self-respect, strength of character, integrity, honesty and humility protect the daughter who is like a wall. She knows whose she is and she knows her father’s love, acceptance and approval. She has value from godly training through her family and good judgment of the opposite sex.

She knows that she is “a catch,” a reward, gifted, intelligent and beautiful. Her strength is her confidence in her Savior and she need not take a second look at any unsuitable suitor. Neither does any young godly man intimidate her so she doesn’t need to dumb herself down in order to be led spiritually. In fact, she does not need to do or be anyone else other than who she has been created to be. She knows that she changes for only One, her Lord. Her father will not need to intimidate the young man who comes calling because she will have chosen wisely as her own dignity does the job. Frequently tell her she is beautiful, a gift from God, loved just as she is and continue to build the wall of Christ in her life. Neither she nor you will ever regret it and one day a young man of God will express appreciation too.

Keeping with the theme of raising children, natural or spiritual, what do you think is the number one inhibitor of growth in a child’s life? What do you think is the number one killer of creativity? What do you think is the number one limitation placed on vision, hope and dreams? The answer, I’ve been told, is critical judgment. Imagine a parent consistently providing negative judgment and criticism toward a child especially after the child feels he or she has done their best. When wrong or harsh judgment is cast upon another human being, that person begins to suffer a creativity and an identity crisis. Teachers can identify those children who continually suffer from words of critical judgment with their heads bowed down and their insatiable need for encouragement.

Adults who have suffered from ongoing critical judgment lose creativity and pursue acceptance in every means possible. The life is often sucked out of them and they will gravitate toward any form of attention, especially the negative. They align themselves with lie-filled thoughts based upon what has been spoken over them. They believe these thoughts and grow up only to pass critical judgment upon themselves, continuing to reinforce everything negative. The Bible is clear that we are to judge sin and not one another (Romans 14:13; James 4:11,12) As parents ask the Lord to help you see the positive, to operate out of a spirit of praise and encouragement and to heap words of life upon your children. God knows they hear enough of the negative throughout their day from the world around them.

Raising and training children is one of the most important jobs on the face of the earth today. My wife and I had three awesome kids who somehow made it through preschool years, primary school, high school, college and then marriage. The test of parenting was always more about the parents than it ever was the children. We discovered that it was the grace of God that allowed us to make many mistakes and yet have whole and healthy adult children. Life was far from perfect in those days and our finances never seemed to go far enough, but that never stopped us from laughing around the table at mealtime, playing football in the front yard or going on low-budget vacations.

Honestly, the most difficult times were when I had to enforce a boundary for my children as their father. Providing the appropriate discipline in the appropriate manner was often a challenge. You see, children have this ability to bring the worst out of you as the parent. At my worst, I might have over-corrected or when angry dished out punishment rather than correction. Is there a difference? Yes, there is.  (And by the way, seeing your “worst” is not such a bad thing.)

Punishment has to do with me preserving my right to be angry with my child and keeping my posture as the one in charge. It says that my child must pay for what he or she did wrong. Punishment is often done out of anger lacking any training toward change, just simply a more powerful parent enforcing his or her will upon the weaker child. Punishment is more about inflicting shame and pain for wrongdoing. Correction, however, is not just about reward and punishment, it is more about challenging actions and shaping a will in a life-giving method. It is training out of a spirit of love. It is more about guiding and forming the spirit of the child rather than reinforcing the will of the parent. It is less about anger and more about what’s best for the child. Correction takes time to administer because it includes instruction toward a different and healthier future. Punishment on the other hand is normally abrupt, more about reaction and often with little thought. Proverbs admonishes us to “train” a child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6). That word train in the Hebrew is used in the imperative sense and literally means to dedicate. Are you as a parent dedicated to training your children through correction toward growth or simply punishing them for your own personal comfort?